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User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, November 15th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I called my husband out on his online bullshit sites. I told him that when he comes back from Iraq, we will NOT have any internet in our home. His response was 'although I do not agree with it, it will save us $50 a month'.
ETA- I still don't know how I feel about it all.

[This message edited by ragingalone at 3:03 PM, November 15th (Thursday)]

Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
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Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, November 15th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate very much with internet kind of innocent chitting. I told my H many times how offensive it is but he did it agian and again. As a result I have no trust with internet and him. I think if I am not around he will go to porn sites to get lusty from some women. I expained that it feels like cheating, he promised never do it, but I do not believe him. I told him that if he does not respect me enough I will not respect him by going lustty for somebody else.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
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Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, November 15th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWW originally said "it's not cheating because we never met!" Then she read up on EAs and internet affairs (this was later on D-Day #1) and was aghast at the damage she had done to our M.

Love that "Totally innocent" bullshit they try to pull on us at first, when our gut is going wild, we feel crazy and desperate and miserable. GRRRr.

DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1

Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
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Member # 17057
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posted: 4:07 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007

17057 Posted: 4:04 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007
Posted: 3:43 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007
Posted: 3:15 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007
please help me understand my h has been having an affair with someone he met in second life 11 months ago- she lives in europe we live in u.s. they started having a cyber affair and then he started pursuing a client in london and has been there 3 times since may and has met her all three times- she is married and has 2 young sons- she is 20 years younger than my h- he lied and decieved me until i found him on the computer late one night he acted suspicious and i push for the truth- he said it was just a friend and he had never met her- i discovered after some invetigating he had seen her on his first trip and second trip- he finanially admitted to it after i found proof receipts from hotels- they have been continuing there affair by phone computer and he went to see her again in october- i kicked him out in august when i found out about everything- we have talked about divorce before i knew about other woman- we decided we would stay together for our daughters sake until she finished high school three more years- in my mind our marriage wasn't over but divorce was a strong possiblility- we started an new business last november and it was failing i thought maybe once we sold it and got out from under all the financial stress there might be hope for our marriage- until i found out about the other woman that was it- he had lied to me and decieved me for months- he hAs depleted our assets we have no security or insurances- we are filing bankruptcy we lost the business and our house is in foreclosure- after he saW her in october he told me he has found true love and hoped i would to some day- he lied to her when he meet her on second life told her he was divorced and 12 years younger than he really is- they are continuing this affair- i have contacted her and her husband- her husband and i email each other now- to let the other know what is going on- he didn't even know they had met in person until i told him- after there october meeting i told her husband and she cut it off with my h- my h was so mad at me saying i am ruining his life by interfering with his relationship with her- i told him he was being a bastard tearing another family apart as well as ours- and i was going to help her husband by letting him know what was going on and the continued lies and betrayal- my h has told me if i contact the other husband he will run away and hide and i will not get his cooperation or help with anything- he has depeleted our assets i don't have a dime and his income has dropped about 80 percent- leaving my two daughters and me desperate- we have been together for 25 years and married for 19- we are devastated by all the lies and betrayal- he was a christian man- but is justifying all this by saying he was unhappy and unfullfilled in our marriage- i was to but i was in therapy-bible groups and prayer groups trying to save my marriage and family and he was on the computer distroying it- should i let the potential client know what a lying bastard my h is so they don't hire him- i am afraid he will hide in europe in we will not get the financial support we deserve- i haven't worked in 20 years i was a stay at home mom- i want him to feel the pain he has caused us i want to tear the rug out from under his little fantasy world and turn his world upside down like he has done to me and my daughters- please give me some advice and insight-


2 daughters/teenagers
married 19 years
on my way to divorce

Posts: 136 | Registered: Nov 2007
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Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, November 17th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bayview, I wanted to welcome you to the site and to this forum.

I don't know if we can help you understand why your H is doing what he is doing, because Internet fantasy affairs are surreal. He has only met this woman three times. He has not had the opportunity yet to have reality hit him hard. It's amazing what the WS in an online A can ignore. They learn how to ignore family, marriage and the home while in the home. Leaving becomes much easier for some because of it.

For your own and your girls' financial protection, get an attorney!

You also need to read in the healing library. Right now he is not going to listen to words. Read about and implement the 180 so you don't get hooked into his gobbledee-gook! Do not expect him to act like a father or husband right now. Take care of YOU! and your girls!

FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
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Angry  Posted: 8:15 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, this is my story too. I found out that my WH had been having an EA for our entire marriage (and probably before) of five years. There still is a porn addiction that is causing issues.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2007
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, November 26th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Picture this, everyone:

An attractive woman is walking by a group of male construction workers.
They yell out, & "cat call", say all those words & names associated with such a sitch.

My WH would go on dating sites and do this a LOT.

He progressed to asking *where* did they live (in a state he was in or that he was going to! ).

He called it...'making *conversation*.

I call it Bull Shit!

He was ALWAYS attempting to Hook Up...since we were in a long distance M for a few years, I found out how deeply he was "into" it by creating a few faux profiles & the POS was hitting on "me" ...even though I had told him STRAIGHT UP that I was a "prostitute", etc.

After he came to live with me PERMANENTLY in 05, he continued on.

He saved those *hot chats* to wank to later.

I have them.

I'm not ready to listen/read them, yet.

Tech1 told me it was pretty bad.

I believe him.

I found that he was checking out Amtrak to Vegas, one way, one adult. July 4th of 06...checking out a house to buy in that city!

He keeps telling me its "over", but will NOT tell me his handle or hers (she could also very well be a "he" since I found the Gay Porn File on his desktop)...this is just ONE of psycho's numerous parahilias & he is rife with numerous personality dis-orders.

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if I belong here or not. Here's my sitch:

Found out when I was 9 mos. PG in 2002, purely by accident, all sorts of porn on our computer. Not really "literate" at that time, confronted WH who gaslighted & I bought it.

Fast forward to 7/07 I catch WH in 3-4yr. EA with actual person. I'm now "literate" and begin investigative work on computer & find it suspiciously clean. Alas - WH let one web addy up & he was busted.

Apparently - WH was spending upwards of 4-5 hrs. per week on this porn crap.

I need some insight here. I am totally creeped out. NC with OW since DD#1. I can't get it out of my mind that WH is sex addict.

Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2528 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
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Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if he was carrying on with her online for several years, that it is a cyber-A. Is he SA? Only a therapist can diagnose him- is he willing to seek help?

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
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Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Sorry I wasn't clear. This is two separate issues. Easily 5yr. internet porn used for M purposes. No internet "connection".

Then 3-4 yr. EA with OW from work.

Met WH for lunch today and did discuss, very briefly, my concern. WH has IC on Thurs. Will try to find out tonight what they have worked on.

Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2528 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has just bought a NEW laptop.

Off to the races once again!

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Member # 11924
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would wake up in the middle night and find XH "playing" on the computer. I was told he belonged to dungons and dragons and was hooking up with the boys. Finally one night I dedcided to catch him. He was playing porn all night....and then he would please himself afterwards or while watching.

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2006
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Member # 16931
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had profiles on quite a few, AFF, and a few other kinky websites. Caught him last week still chatting with some of the women from those sites. I sometimes wish we didn't have computers.

~avidreader the bookworm!
Me:BS 38
Him: WS 48
One child
Dday Oct 30, 2007
Together 11yrs married 7 yrs

Posts: 79 | Registered: Nov 2007
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH was spending the month of July with me back in 04. (My birthday month at that.)
He thought I was going to take longer than usual in the shower washing my long hair, but being tired, I decided not to.
From the look on his face, I surprised him doing something *unsavory* at the computer because he suddenly caused the screen to go all blank...but he was probably on it made me feel so hurt thinking I was not going to be ever *enough* for him.
Before I kicked him out in 9/06, he was carrying on with a Vegas Whore from that same passion site & planning to leave me for her while ALSO looking at GAY porn as well.

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, December 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXH recently became obsessed with the online porn/dating/affair/chat sites. He even stole my credit card information to charge these accounts to, took money that was supposed to pay our mortgage from our joint checking account and sent it/was scammed to women supposedly in "trouble" that professed their love for him and desire to be his wife.

He recently lost a job because he was calling in and lying to his boss saying he was sick and telling me they weren't working. I called his boss and found out the truth We have to file bankruptcy because his other compulsive spending behaviors have led us to financial ruin.

He would come home and then proceed to sit on the computer chatting with anyone who would talk dirty with him for many hours at a time. If he got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom...he would check his mail and chat.

He even had the gall to spend 7 or more hours chatting online to these women and then ask me to have sex with him because I am still his wife

I put parental controls and passwords on the account and he went totally ballistic. I mean a full out rage, threatening to destroy the computer...yelling at me and calling me every name in the book. Just like a child having a temper tantrum when they don't get the candy they want in the store.

He still argues that he is not having an affair because he hasn't actually been physical with any of these women. Although, he took time off work or didn't go at all because he fell into the scam and believed that if he sent them money for plane tickets, etc., that they were coming to see him.

He barely acknowledges our daughter when she tries for his attention. It sickens me. His psych doc told him to have parental controls on the pc and he freaked out again at me because they were on there. I can't take the abuse because he has a f'in addiction. I can't wait for the bankruptcy to be filed in the courts so that I can get the divorce filed. I am so ready to be done with this crap. I didn't do anything to deserve this...I have tried to make myself available, and he won't even talk to me...would rather chat online.

He tries to retaliate by saying that I have this site that I visit, but as I try to explain to him...this is not a destructive place...and I'm not sacrificing my family to be here.

Wow, the twisted perception of things...

Me: 31
WH: 35
4 year old daughter
d days:6/99, ?/01 or /02, 1/07...maybe more
together: 16 years
married: 9
*had enough...divorcing*

Posts: 139 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Minnesota
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Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rh, he's very twisted alright, & just "justifying" as you've posted.

((((huge hugs))))

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Member # 17127
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks dreamlife for the hugs and justification.

Things have not gotten any better, in fact it seems even worse.

Our poor daughter...all she asks is that her daddy play with her without being on the 'puter. She shouldn't have to fight so hard to try to get attention from him.

I can only hope for time to pass quickly... for the bankruptcy to be filed so that I can file for the divorce...for the whole thing to be final. So our daughter won't have to fight him in our home every night for some basic attention.

Me: 31
WH: 35
4 year old daughter
d days:6/99, ?/01 or /02, 1/07...maybe more
together: 16 years
married: 9
*had enough...divorcing*

Posts: 139 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Minnesota
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Member # 17322
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, December 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow - just found this thread. Well I am living with this, my live in g/f has been on dating sites, and is now living in instant messenger, MSN/Yahoo. She spends more time and energy in her relationships with her cyber friends than me.

She has one PF which developed from a fellow she was having a cyber affair with. Now it is cyber sex with a caht partner.

Me- BS 50

"It's what you do right now that makes a difference."

Posts: 604 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Better and better every day
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Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, December 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, Steve, & glad you found this thread.

bears is so right about the fantasy aspect...till reality of paying bills, etc., "intrudes".

My WH has a huge *intimacy* problem & this appears to be the only way he can "relate".

Wow, he's moving on, from one online *fantasy* to sad...

Huge hugs to everyone on this Xmas Eve.

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Member # 17515
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wish to heck I wasn't- but I'm sure a member of this club too. In my case, it was the online game WOW (using initials, hope thats ok) Heck not the games fault.. but stupid I ever LET a third person have so much time with my SO trusting him so much as I did. Both of us are techies so I WAS checking logs, and it progressed over 6 months until phone calls- even a VISIT to MY HOME under the pretense of being MY FRIEND too... ugh. Makes me so mad.. but hindsight. Anyway. First discovery was emotional affair- all the online crap. Fake aim names, multiple emails etc. That was enough that a counselor suggested I leave to another state to be near family, that he work himself out & join me. Well, he never joined me but no one bothered to tell ME that just strung me along for 3 months all the while, flying over my head to HER home state.. beautiful.

And I found OUT online go figure! hah. OWH emailed me and told me far too many details. On the bright side, he is one of the few ppl I trust completely to tell the darn truth- even now. So when my SO pretends to break of contact with OW (or does, whichever it may be- hard to know 1600 miles away!) I have a way of checking somewhat.. but really its only increased the cycle of paranoia, checking and limbo... ugh. I just need closure, and it's hard to get that when he won't face me and see the dmg he did to me- and to FOUR families- considering the OW/HW is a professional THERAPIST and ours was the THIRD family she destroyed WHILE MARRIED herself... she still has the other two men on the line- both have wife & kids. I'd out her if I knew who they were... I guess "my family" was cake for her considering we had no kids and weren't "married" no just 7 yrs and engaged! GRRRR.. Heck I worked online in IT for years, and yes I know, itw as just a doorway like any other, but I WILL say that if I ever play an online game again, it'll be a looong time coming. Just too many bad memories... Oh- so the progression sorry was "Online Game--> AIM, Yahoo and other chat programs--->Email--->Text Msgs--->Phone calls (during work of course, when I was not there) --> having her visit under false pretenses and as "my friend" too---> me finding chat logs & leaving-->him proceeding to making it physical and getting in WAY deeper emotionally ugh.. so thats the route it took.

BW : 32 (me)
WH : 27
Together/Engaged 7 years
DDay 1(EA) 08/27/2007
DDay 2(Phys) 10/07/2007
Status: I wanted R & MC but he chose the OW. Me & OWH both left in tatters. Hopeless

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Midwest
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