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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
ketch37
♂ Member
Member # 14986
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just an update. My EA WW left Tuesday for a week long trip to L.A. to see one of her female chat friends. She has not been on YM or MM since Monday night either (or as far as I tell).
I feel horrible for my daughter because the Sunday before she left, she asked her Mom to go to WalMart to hang out and her mom said "No, not right now." All because she was chatting online.
The most profound thing that my girl has said to me was last night when she said--"Dad, you didn't ruin this family, Mom and the internet did!" I told her that she only gets to see one side of me--her response, well maybe if mom would open her eyes, and paid attention to you instead of the computer so would she.

I hate the internet and all that it can do. Don't get me wrong--the internet does not make marriages and relationships go bad--people do, I just hate the fact that it can be used as an enabler.

Any advice about people constantly online chatting?

[This message edited by ketch37 at 2:31 AM, July 12th (Thursday)]


"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." Mark Twain

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Alaska
kiwialice
♀ New Member
Member # 15308
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, July 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

I am new here and just thought I would put up a post to say hi and let you know my story. Ketch, sorry I have no advice about IM solutions. My XWS used it all the time as he was chatting to his friends in a war game that he plays but of couse now I know he was also chatting to Ow (that is plural and there were many, not that I knew). If i were to stay I guess I would stop him using it or put boundaries. Your girl sounds amazing to have that insight, but sad that she needs to have that insight so young.

For my XWS it all escalated from there to phoning, messaging and meeting. He is addicted I guess and I am disgusted he brought this into my home.

So it is a sad week for me


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Auckland, New Zealand
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, July 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((ketch)))) and ((((kiwialice)))) I am sorry you had to join this little club.

ketch, I can totally relate to what happened with your daughter and it is sad that she has to have that perceptive view of things. 3 years ago my FWH went on a trip for 10 days and shook hands with our kids before he left. They were never around when he was home, and for those 10 days they were home every night visiting with me. FWH wouldn't even talk to them when he called. He monopolized the computers at the hotel he stayed at in order to keep in touch with his online g/f's tho.

kiwialice I see from your post that you are divorced or separated? It is sad that a square screen can come between two people who are supposed to be in a loving relationship.


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
manytriggers
♂ New Member
Member # 14899
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

unarmbears,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. It is appreciated and a relief to hear that someone else once had the same fears.

As for IC, I doubt it. I have actually always played that role for my wife. It takes her quite a while to open up to others. She is quiet...definitely an introvert. I know that one of the reasons she fell in love with me was because she could open up to me. Our talks with each other since confronting her about the EA have been as much about her dealing with the scars from her past that led her to the place where she would risk her marriage/family, as they have been about me expressing my anger/hurt/depression/etc. over what she did.

One of many residual fears I have is that given her quiet nature and the fact that some things from her past have come up in our talks that I was never aware of, who knows what other secrets there might be??? I am also watching her family deal with her dying father and have once again come to understand that this is a family with secrets and lots of denial. She recently told me that she feels like she never really knew her father and she is clearly saddened by that. I can relate. Her EA was so completely out of character...at least I thought so...that I must sit back and ask myself if I really know her as well as I thought I did??? I suppose only time will tell.

As you can tell I am still quite confused about my feelings. I know I love her...intellectually that is...and sometimes I actually feel the love for her too. The problem is that I also still hate her for breaking my heart and robbing me of my trust. I now truly know what a love/hate relationship is. I wish I didn't, but I do.

I know that it has been less than 3 months since D-day and that this process of healing can take a while. We were moving along well until her father's illness came along. I suspect this will put us on hold for a while. I hate bringing up our problem when she is dealing with such sadness. I have only had one brief conversation with her about us since he received his latest prognosis. As noted in my earlier post, it is work in progress.

As for NC, the hotmail account was closed immediately and a call was placed to "him" to tell him it was over.

Thanks again.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Mid Atlantic
kiwialice
♀ New Member
Member # 15308
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, July 14th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for replying. unarmbears it is sad that we are apart because of this, but it is a deal breaker for me. I was hoping to have a child next year and cannot imagine bringing a child into a home with this happening and with my biological clock ticking very loudly, I cannot wait. Even now I may have to give up that dream.

I know he has a long struggle on his hands as he is addicted and this has been his life way before he met me. I will support him as a friend once I have some strength and distance as mostly he is a great guy - just this awful side to him.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Auckland, New Zealand
kiwialice
♀ New Member
Member # 15308
Angry  Posted: 6:24 AM, July 14th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arrrgh, he just sent me an email from his hotmail - usually he emails me from work address. And it had his fucking Pseudonym at the top, god help me. I was having the best day I have had since d-day until then. What an idiot.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Auckland, New Zealand
ketch37
♂ Member
Member # 14986
Angry  Posted: 10:11 PM, July 14th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kiwialice

You from Aussie land? I know the feeling. I have pretty much given up and made a decision to try and work on it and trust. Then today a friend (female...known since 1996 from a couple of military bases ago) asked if I knew anyone by the myspace name XX______XXXXXX? I said hell yes....That is the BLEEP that my WW chats, calls, webcams each other. She said well, he checked my profile twice last time was 11 Jul.

That WW BLEEP DA BLEEP BLEEP is in Pheonix, not L.A. like she said. Needless to say, no workin it out now.....She can fry in hoowie haaaa


"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." Mark Twain

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Alaska
kiwialice
♀ New Member
Member # 15308
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, July 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ketch, how are you doing - bloody hell you must be hurting. What a cow! Hope you are OK, hugs from down this way. To think you were trying so hard! She sounds addicted, to risk so much over what? Something less than real. Still that is no excuse, and you have a lovely daughter as well.

I am in Kiwiland (New Zealand) just across the ditch from Australia. I have been very up and down, but I feel much better since I became resolved in my decision to be apart. Still I am so angry...

Going to counselling tomorrow, as I don't want this to ruin me for the future but I can't help but wonder if I am really cut out for relationships, I seem to have such bad taste!

Gotta laugh otherwise it is a mass of tears for me!

[This message edited by kiwialice at 1:49 AM, July 15th (Sunday)]


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Auckland, New Zealand
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, July 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((ketch))))))

Stay strong and take care of yourself and your daughter.

Having worked in the realm of child custody/protection I can say that you have two legs to stand on regarding physical custody of your daughter. It really does depend upon the judge, but your status as active military is much more consistent and secure than a mother who spends all her time online w/ OM and on flight going to see OM.

Your daughter may have to move a lot if she stays with you, but your wife taking her to live with a stranger who she has met online is much less safe and not good parenting.

Now you have to gather your evidence and get it to a safe place in order to make sure your attorney can represent you in the best way possible.

Be sure you have a really good, safe, positive plan for where your DD stays if you are deployed.


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
justlee
♂ Member
Member # 15279
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just saying hello. Looks like I am a member of this club as well.

My story is in my profile.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: TX
ketch37
♂ Member
Member # 14986
Default  Posted: 2:35 AM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kiwi and unarmsbear: Thanks for the support

Seems my wife is starting to try and cover her tracks. OM comments section is now clean as a slate, but friend downloaded pictures on his myspace page.

Not to mention she now wants me to send her and our daughter down to Michigan where her family is. When I explained that our daughter does not want to go with her, she got really mad, said she is a little girl and can't make up her mind and doesn't have a choice in the matter. My rebuttal, she is not a little girl but a young woman who is way more mature than she thinks.

Needless to say it was a useless conversation.

The only thing she doesn't know is that my daughter still does not want to go with her, and I go to my lawyer tomorrow and sign the paperwork...which denies her to leave the state of Alaska until this all blows over.

I am tired of the BS from her and all the negative attitudes.

Of course she has not been back for 24 hours...She screamed at me within 10 hours, made our daughter cry by saying she was leaving with her and had no say by 14 hours and has been online on and off through out the day to include the last 2+ hours.

And I supposedly don't know what is best for our little girl

[This message edited by ketch37 at 2:35 AM, July 17th (Tuesday)]


"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." Mark Twain

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Alaska
kiwialice
♀ New Member
Member # 15308
Default  Posted: 4:14 AM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Ketch, sounds terrible, and she is still being online all through this. Sounds like hell for you and your daughter.

I can't offer advice just support from across the planet. Kia Kaha ("be strong" in Maori). Take really good care of yourself.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Auckland, New Zealand
ketch37
♂ Member
Member # 14986
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will do Kiwi

Yes she is still going online through all this. Oh well, I sign the paperwork to start the divorce tomorrow morning. If I had any remorse I would feel bad right about now, but my daughter is my #1 concern.


"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." Mark Twain

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Alaska
Crossbow
♂ Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, July 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess it is time I finally joined the club here. I have avoided it for the few weeks I've been here (found this site the morning after DDay #1), but was too triggery to read about online affairs.

My wife had a 3-week long online A with a guy we know from EQ2. I was amazed to see how many other EQ2 players are here. Yikes.

They carried their affair out of the game into emails, IMs, chat, text messaging, and phone calls. It only ended because WW accidentally (or did she want to get caught?) left her SECRET email acct open on her computer screen for nearly 2 days. I just went over to close it for her & there it was. Ugly scene.

She & OM didn't consider it A since they never met in person. Then she read about EAs and came out of the fog with a crash landing. Turns out everyone we've spoken with - MC, pastoral counselor, our doctor (for my anti depressant meds) - knew all about EAs. Doh!

So she & he wildly cybersexed via text and IMs almost every single day of their A, sometimes more than once a day. The number of text messages sent & received was unbelievable. She didn't actually realize how much (all) of her time she was spending in contact with him until I showed her.

She went NC with him on DDay #1. DDay #2 is when I found out about the actual cybersex.

I am very triggery around Email, IMs, text, and EQ now. We got the hell out of the guild we were in with OM and joined another one. I told OM to back OFF from my wife, no more contact, and he tried to play it off like he & I were buddies. Right.

We play a lot less than we used to, and always group together. And she shows me every PM she gets ingame now.

I used to love EQ2, but it has lost a lot of its luster for me since her nasty A.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
K Phantom
♂ Member
Member # 14105
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome crossbow but sorry you’re here.

Little update on my WW. I had my second d-day 6/23/07. Things have not been good since then except we are both going to IC, and I am no longer in false R. I don’t know if anything that comes out of her mouth is the truth anymore. She wants to separate to “find herself” uggggg. Of course my reasoning and hers for separating are completely different. I saw chat logs of an irl meeting that is supposed to take place soon. I have to stay here at least another week because of appointments but I think she is going to get her wish after that…and I will leave.

I did leave about a week ago for about 4 days. Durring that time she called me twice each night. I thought hey maybe she does want to “make up”. When I came home she made a point to give me a great big hug and was blowing kisses at me. That night we end up arguing and she tells me she is not sure what she wants. Told me if she wanted R she would have done all the right things after d-day 1. Gives me the love somebody then set them free speech. I told her I already did that with you. When we were 16 years old we were bf/gf for a while and she ended up leaving me for someone else back then. The guy ended up going to jail for distributing and she came back to me around 22 and we were married a couple of years later. I guess she wont give me that speech again.

IC told me that I can’t do any good here. Told me that I can only make things worse, so that is why I’m thinking about leaving next week. I hope to post something positive in here next time I do. Until then I guess I’ll just pray that things get better and try to take baby steps toward healing from this awful mess.

I am amazed at all of the folks here that are similar situations! Thanks for all your wisdom. You guys are GREAT!


Me BS
Her WS
Kids 0
Married 15 yrs 02/14/1993
DD#1 3/29/06
DD#2 6/23/07
D 4/15/2008

Posts: 490 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: USA PA
ketch37
♂ Member
Member # 14986
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, July 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crossbow--

Brother you have tons of courage to allow your WW to get back into that scene, my WW was in it and had on PA and then when I went to Korea, she started up again and had another. I am not saying your wife will, it is just such a strong draw that sometimes people don't know what they are getting themselves into, then BAM, they are back in it.

Just be wary, and careful. It is good that your wife continues to keep you in the loop. Just keep her honest, if she starts acting squirrely, you are not out of your boundries to ask questions.

By the way, I am Network Security by trade, so you can imagine how I feel that my wife does that stuff on her computer.


"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." Mark Twain

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Alaska
erinlc
♀ Member
Member # 14491
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, July 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our mc told us that game has led to many EA's recently, and some PA's. You may want to consider distancing yourselves from it entirely for a certain amount of time so that you can learn to re-prioritize your attentions and efforts elsewhere.

Maybe with you both playing, it is alright, but I keep hearing all kinds of things like this in regards to that game.


Me, BS, 36 y/o
Husband, FWS, 36 y/o
Together 19 years, married 17 years

Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter - Lee Ann Womack


Posts: 3145 | Registered: May 2007
ketch37
♂ Member
Member # 14986
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, July 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

K Phantom--

Sorry man! I know what you are feeling right now. Real quick, the whole if you love them set them free thing....Fine, leave...Get you butt out of the house! That is my humble (or not so humble) opinion. Find myself..again right outside the door! Dude, right now she is just thinking about her. Focus on you

Look, your IC is right, you can't help her right now...Just focus on you and get you ok. I have done that and feel a lot better about myself--(lost 70 lbs--now 160, 4/6 pack, run 4-5 days a week, talk constantly with family and friends.)

Hope to find encouraging things from you in the future


"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." Mark Twain

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Alaska
Tracylynn120
♀ New Member
Member # 15648
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not even sure how I came across this site but I feel as if I've found my new family. It's amazing how little there is about online cheating. I found out my husband was cheating about 10 months ago. It doesn't matter that he never "touched" another woman, I still feel completely betrayed!


Tracylynn
D-Day 9/25/06

Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: midwest
Crossbow
♂ Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know a lot of people, especially after they get caught, say online cheating isn't "real" cheating. I pointed out to my FWW that the time and energy and money she was taking away from our family and spending on OM were plenty real.

Besides, she was cybersexing with him every day, sometimes more. She was giving him cyber BJs when she was giving me nothing. She was spreading her legs online for him and paying no attention to me (when she wasn't being outright nasty to me).

It's real enough to hurt like living hell, that's for sure. And our MC, her IC, the family doctor, etc. all say that the damage to the M is the same whether it's online infidelity or in the flesh.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
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