I think for me, the hardest part of all of it was that it went on in my home, just a few feet away from me, all day and all night when he wasn't working. "Home" no longer is the safe nest it used to be.
He would warn them, "Hey, she's in the next room, I may logoff all of a sudden."
A quick overview of my issue.
My wife play a game Second Life. She lays 12 - 20 hours per day. all day at work, and all night until 4:30/5 am.
I put a keylogger on several weeks and found all I needed to know. She is having a relationship online between her "character" and his. The chat is disturbing as is the "body" parts she buys.. She denies everything of course. I confronted her 15 days ago, she left. slept in her car at work for 2 nights, spent 2 night in hotel, stayed at here moms for 10 days until her mom confronted her and started turning off the internet at 2am. she left friday night and has been in a hotel for the last 3 days.
I gave an ultimaatum and 60 days to coply or I would file. Her mom confronted her and she ran from there. Her work plans to confront her in the next 2 days.
What do i do next. She is gone. Yesterday she was on for 27 hours straight!
Do i do an intervention? will that really work?
I love her and want to save it. This has been going on for 4 months now. She says I'm the problem and the game is her recreation.
I'm currently doing the 180. have been since the ultimatum. even though she called a couple of times when she needed things and I did not comply/give in. I have not seen any change in her. I'm concerned there may be no hope.
I'm doing Alanon, counseling, SI. But I still feel like a piece of crap she has disposed of. Not to mention our 3 kids she has abandoned. Including one of them being her 17 year old daughter from a previous marriage. How could a mother do that. I'm just so pissed!
Thanks for your help
An update from the original post.
So to date, I have given her an untilmatum and 60 days to comply. Her mom confronted and turned off the internet, my wife then left there and went to a hotel.
Her employer has now confronted her and suspended her for 1 day + the holiday and made her leave her laptop at work. So that will be 3 days with no access. She is now staying with a friend (the only one she has) that she would never even visit for longer than 30 mins because her house is a pig sty(?). I called her friend last night to see if she was really going to stay there because she did not tell where she was staying.
I received a call about 11pm as to wehy I was asking where she was and why didn't I just call her and ask. I said because I was giving her the sapce she wanted and I just wanted to make sure she was somewhere safe. Now earlier in the day she sent me an email asking to meet for dinner so she could tell me "what was going to happen".
Now to me that sounded negative and like she was trying to get the upper hand. I replied thanks but no thanks and re sent the unltimatum and that when she had made some progress then I would be happy to meet with her. But not until then.
When she called me at 11pm she asked why I turned her down for dinner. She was ready to talk.
Now how could she be ready to talk when this weekend she spent 27 hours on the game Sat - sun morning and 17 hours sun-mon morning. what time did she possibly have to think. Or was this her way to say i quite with out facing the music.
I said that her email had a negative condentation to it and I didn't want to talk unless she made progress. she said I only gave her 60 days to figure this all out and why am I the one to be in control.
Where I messed up was I let her engage me and we talked about that we do have issues to work out. She doesn';t know if she can work thru that. that she told me for 2 years that she was having issues. Funny because she must have whispered and I didn't opick up on it. All I know is when she was constantly in a bad modd and I would ask what was wrong, what could I do, I would get the cold shoulder and alot of attitude. I'm the one who got us started in counseling 2 times for 5 session each. but it didn't work because she did not take what we learned and apply it. I tried and it worked from myside a little. But it takes 2.
Last night she took no responsibility for anything she has done. She said she did not abandon the kids. He left me. That she calls her 17yo daughter everyday. Her daughter says every 3 days. So as you can see I engaged in a conversation I probably should not have at this time.
I mean at least she was communicating with me. She was very upset. The work thing appears to have hit her very hard. She does not know that I know about the work thing BTW.
So no what, do I ask her to come home, do I stick to the ultimatum, I thinking about writing her a long note with my thoughts, requirements, and offering for her to come home and live ina seperate room while she works thru this. Am I am being to soft? is it to late.
I told her how many hours she played the game in the last 13 days (196), and she laughed and said its not true. I have screen shots to prove she was online and active. I told her it was undenyable. She kust paughed. I am like so turned around right now I just don't knwo what to do. Now that she's at least talking, and appeares "wounded", I want to use the oppurtunity, but maybe now I just need to stay with the 180. I know I broke the 180 rules big time last night. But she made me feel like the 180 and the ultimatum where going to send her running because it was to demanding. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
My A stemmed from a serious addiction to an online game - WoW. For two years both me and Mr. V did NOTHING but play that game, every night, all weekend. He wanted to stop, I didn't. I was worse off than he was. He kept playing to make me happy. I met the OM in game. We started talking. I slid down the slope from there.
The ability to be whoever you want online is a powerful drug , especially those with self-esteem issues. I already had addiction issues and that game was just another level of me shoving my head in the sand. Why be in real life when I could be a powerful warlock?
I guess I wanted to say I'm here to help if I can. Talking about what I did is still painful, but a necessary step.
Me, you, the dog and cat....the rest are details.
As a little background I'm a FWH myself, having just confessed to my own bad behaviour June 22. My wife's affair has been going on since at least April, maybe March of this year. She's slowed down her game playing a lot, but still goes on 5 nights a week for a couple hours each night.
damn straight you should out her to her guildies. Its like in school, all her "friends" will know and talk about it. She will hopefully feel embarassed when she logs in. However, be prepared for the fact that they already know. It was my experience that most High-end raiding guilds in WoW were made up of a dis-proportionate amount of 18+ males. Girl players, especially one who plays as much as your wife, are not as common, and are way cool. Shes loving, LOVING the attention. Trust me. Been there.
Stand your ground. That game HAS to go. I remember Mr. V begging me to come and watch TV with him one night, but oh no, my in-game friends were way more fun right? (God, I can still see the hurt in his face)
Until she has unplugged from that game, and sees that RL is much more fulfilling than Azeroth, you dont have a hope of getting her attention.
Delete her account. All of it. Shard her gear first. She will flip, I know I would have. But, it would have stopped me. I wish I had smashed my computer...still think about it sometimes.
Her guild and her popularity are the attraction.
If she wants to R, then no WoW. Simple right? Ya...not so much. She doesnt think she has a problem right? Suuuuuuure.
I remember one day at work, after a late late night playing, walking down the hallway, for a brief second I thought about silencing one of my co-workers.....hmnmmmm....can anyone say fantasy land?
Make her stop. You or the game. Mr. V said that once, and I chose wrong. Thankfully he has given me the chance to show him I am worthy.
Stand your ground. Stop that game. Its not about the game for her anymore. Its about the people in it. Its not a game. now, its a social circle, and they are NOT friends of your marriage.
Just my $1.45.
However, be prepared for the fact that they already know...Her guild and her popularity are the attraction...Its not about the game for her anymore. Its about the people in it. Its not a game. now, its a social circle, and they are NOT friends of your marriage.
With something like Second Life or The Sims, the female player quotient is higher, and that sort of intervention is more likely to work out. You might actually have some perfectly happy, well-adjusted women who just enjoy playing around on SL or Sims. A high end raiding guild in WoW etc. is made up of people who all either have no lives and responsibilities (because they're teenagers and/or 35-yo guys living in mom's basement) or who are ignoring and failing at their lives and responsibilities - like your wife, who is failing as a wife and mother. They're more likely to reinforce one another's resistance to RL intervention than anything else.
[This message edited by ladyvorkosigan at 3:09 PM, July 3rd (Tuesday)]
I think I'm in a double bind here. I stand my ground on the game and she throws what I've done to her in my face. I can't win. Also, I think the shock of what I've done is starting to get to her. She's been very upset all day today.
married 12 years
known for 16
She is. That's the difference. Two wrongs and all the stuff, right? You can't even begin to address what you did if she won't address what she's doing right now.
You DO have a right to tell her to stop or else. Just make sure that you're prepared to follow through on any ultimatum you issue. Make sure that she's aware that there are consequences to her actions and enforce that. She must feel the pain of her stupid decisions.
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
But, and its a big one, what you did does not justify this continued, purposeful, hurtful behavior.
At this point the both of you have serious issues to work through. What YOU need is to know she wants your marriage and wants to work through this. Im not sure how much you two have dealt with your past A, but it seems very very unresolved.
Getting her to stop playing, when she feels justified in her actions = almost impossible.
You need to force it. Delete the game, whatever you have to do, smash the monitor....
Let me tell you about guilds. For the most part they are a group of friends or family. Others are people who play hard-core all the time no life. (just like Lady V described) They are worse than highschool, because instead of kids acting like kids, its adults acting like kids. Fighting, backstabbing, drama, its disgusting.
Time for you to press the issue. The fact that she keeps throwing your A in your face shows she feels she is using her "get out of jail free" card here.
Enough is enough. You are adults. Time for her to start acting like one.
Delete her account. I promise you that will really shock her ass. She will mourn the loss of her characters....I know I did. But, now, when I go home and actually play with my dog instead of leaving him alone outside while I raid, I feel like Im living the life I deserve.
Your past actions do not make you deserving of her current ones.
The EA coincided with her father dealing with a serious illness and several other significant changes in her life...some good...some not so good...but lots of changes all the same. She admitted that the "friendship" crossed the line and told me she would do anything to make things right with me. I told her that we would need to have open communication and that any time I wanted to talk about the EA and it's impact on me and us, she needed to be availiable. She was and we had several long and diffficult conversations that were painful, but good. We turned several important corners and I really feel like we are on the road to recovery. She understands that my heart is broken and that my ability to trust has taken a major blow. She has done everything I have asked to help me get my ability to trust back. It is a work in progress.
In the past several weeks her father has taken a turn for the worse. He has been given two months to live. She has crawled back into a shell and is clearly devastated by the news. This all puts me in a very strange place. I too am sad about my father-in-law, yet I am having a hard time expressing it. I think it is because I am fearful that this may cause my wife to run back to "him". Am I being irrational? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
There was a time when I tho't that any similar events will only lead my FWH down the slippery slope. My FWH would still withdraw some at first, but it is only briefly now. He didn't do nearly as many things at first as your wife has.
She may have learned to establish boundaries. She also knows what she was doing when things were difficult.
It is dreadful news and she also may feel shame about her actions the last time around.
The sad/frightening/hopeful part is that only time will tell.
Would she consider IC right now to help her with healthier coping skills for her current situation?
Has she been maintaining NC?