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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, June 10th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in the same little group. My husband decided that he needed some "net nookie" because he was SOOOO bored or stressed or whatever. Did it all while working in the Gulf of Mexico or land rigs while I was home raising our three kids. Thought he was a decent man, what do I know? Anyway, I found out in November 2004, got the last bit of it in February 2007. Fucking prick. He knew if he told me about the web cam his ass was gone. Still fucking hate him for lying til now. Anyway, we're trying. I'm still angry as hell. We're in counseling. Taking it one day at a time. I fucking HATE the net, especially CHAT!


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1121 | Registered: Jun 2007
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome everyone!

I was really angry at chat rooms and the internet for a long time, but without the internet I wouldn't have a safe place to help me cope!

Thank you SI!


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
MochaMom68
♀ New Member
Member # 14965
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning. My husband's EA started online as well. This is a person he does see in person at the race track each weekend. It started on a racing msg. board. They progressed to pms and then on to MSN Messenger which led to cell phone calls. They would meet up at the various local race tracks. For the most part it was a lot of flirting. I have no doubts that my WH was persuing more than flirting. She's much younger than my husband and myself- that part is really hard for me. I saw her in person for the first time last weekend and I felt sick! She is the very opposite of me (physically)and everything my husband has always said he isn't attracted to- long blonde hair, BIG boobs, ghetto booty, etc. He was looking up her profile on the new racing msg. board so I know he's still interested in her.


Me-39
WH-45
Married- 11 yrs
Together-18 yrs
Children-1 son (13 y/o)

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."---Eleanor Roosevelt


Posts: 26 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: IL
ughabug
♀ New Member
Member # 14948
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 14th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can someone give me some information on the best program to install on my spouse's computer to see if he is cheating? And how exactly do they work? You install on the actual computer and it is not detectable??
Also...has anyone put a program on their spouse's computer only to find nothing and felt enormous amounts of guilt?

Thanks in advance....


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jun 2007
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome ArkLaMiss, Mochamom and ughabug!

ughabug, there is an investigative tips forum that opens for members when they reach a certain number of posts.

I never used a keylogger, because my FWH was not clever enough to delete archives after his "sessions" online.


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
ughabug
♀ New Member
Member # 14948
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you...I didn't know about the investigative forum thingy....

I guess what I worry about is that if I find nothing which is completely possible...how am I going to feel about myself?

I mean I guess it's a lose-lose situation...I don't do anything and I always worry and wonder or I do something and I find the truth or find nothing and then feel horrible...what to do....


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jun 2007
greeneyedlass
♀ Member
Member # 9858
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ughabug,

What do you mean?

I guess what I worry about is that if I find nothing which is completely possible...how am I going to feel about myself?
If you find nothing, then you were justified in looking. I hate to tell you this, but the chances are VERY slim right now that you aren't going to find anything. I'd be willing to bet my paycheck you will find SOMETHING.


ME: BS (42 on Sept 17.)
HIM: WH (49)
Dday: 2/17/06
"Everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac...it makes me sick!"

Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006
ketch37
♂ Member
Member # 14986
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I wish I wasn't part of this club, but am.

Was in Korea for a year, all the time she was chatting. First, it was with an Army guy in Korea. Friend found out about it and confronted wife about it. My (because my wife won't talk to her anymore) friend asked if she told this guy she was married. Answer "No" but would--Yeah right whatever. She continued to chat even though she said she would stop. Txt Messy constantly when I was home on mid-tour. Continued to do it after I left to finish my last 3 months. She would sent my daughter upstairs to play while she did it.

Moved to Alaska, and she continued to do it. I finally accused her of doin something with a co-worker because I couldn't take it anymore. She said I was wrong, and got defensive that I was dreamin things up, that she was not doing anything wrong.

Went TDY to Mississippi 3 months after getting back from Korea. She continued chatting, eventually webcammin with some guy in Arizona. Created acct in Messenger to see what she was doin, and she was talkin sexually explicit stuff and webcammin more. Went as far as to say that I am an ass, and she was not listening to me as I was talkin on the phone while she was chatting with me.

All this and some guy from Aussie talked to me and said that she was hot and he would nail it any time he had the chance.

Accused her one more time and she said she had enough and wanted a divorce. We live under the same roof, but daughter wants her gone...like not fast enough because she does not spend any time with her and chats all day before going to work. Then takes the laptop to work at night to chat more. Plus calls and chats with the guy in Arizona AT LEAST 6-7 HOURS A DAY.

I just can't put up with her garbage anymore. Got a lawyer, and getting the courage to divorce her. Just afraid my girl (11) will have to go with her and it tears my heart apart.


"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." Mark Twain

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Alaska
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, June 15th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ketch, sorry this is so difficult.

This is your daughter, right? Your wife is the step mom.

Do you have family or a close friend your daughter could stay with while you are gone?

The internet fog is so thick that your daughter may be witnessing a lot of inappropriate stuff that your wife is not even aware that she has witnessed.

This isn't a healthy environment for your child.

Whatever you decide after protecting your daughter is entirely up to you. If your wife snaps out of it, as some WS's do, it will still be hard for you to trust her, considering that you have to be gone so much. But it can be done.

It is really hard to break through the fog of an online A because so much is in the mind and so little is in reality.

She will try to convince you that since there is no touching or in person contact that it isn't an A. It is!

Keep posting! There's a bunch of us here to help you!


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
ketch37
♂ Member
Member # 14986
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, June 17th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unarmbears,

Thanks for your input. Fortunately, I am home now. Got home in Jan. I am just feeling bad for my little girl because she is at home with all this stuff and not getting the attention that she deserves.

It is her real mom, not a step-mother, so that is what makes it so disgusting.

I changes bank accounts because I didn't want to finance her trip to LA, she was really mad--especially when I told her that if she didn't want me having access to the joint account any more, then she had to give me half her pay, or half of the bills in the 2 week period or I am going to start shutting stuff off (like the cell phone, the INTERNET...Or reduce the speed to comperable to snail-mail).

The worst part is now our daughter is starting to act out against her.....I feel that is fine, but know (and do) correct her for it.

And my job in the military....COMPUTERS!!!!!!

This is not the first time. It is the 3rd time she has been hooked to chatting and wanting to meet people. I equate it to internet crack.


"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." Mark Twain

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Alaska
morgaine108
♀ Member
Member # 14946
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, June 18th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there. I am a FWW who had an online ea with another man in a video game that then progressed to IM and email as well. My BH is being wonderful and understanding so far, I am confident we can do this even though I am tempted (just 1 week NC yesterday).


FWS...very new all still very raw
Married 8 years, together 10
Me, 31 BS, 32
One 3 year old son
D-day June 10, 2007

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
Foggy
♀ Member
Member # 15019
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From the length of this topic, I can see online cheating is "en vogue" for the WS.

I'm a member of this terrible club. I caught my husband in March of this year carrying on FOUR simultaneous internet affairs. It was hard to get him to admit it, even with all the logs. (God bless Actual Spy.) I has suspected him of having affairs for most of our marriage, as he lies about almost everything. I remember when I caught him... it was good to finally find out I wasn't crazy. (Unlike he had been asserting to me over and over again.) At the same time I wanted to just find a gun and end it all.

Trouble is, I'm sure he's carrying on with someone either at work or in town now. He won't talk to me about anything in his life (as usual), and gets pissed when I ask. He won't meet my barest of demands, and says he's moving out because he "doesn't love me or like me anymore". The internet is great, but it really can be both a blessing and a curse.

[This message edited by Foggy at 2:15 AM, June 20th (Wednesday)]


Vagabundas, tramps, and thieves-
Spouse usurpers are all of these.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oklahoma
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The internet is great, but it really can be both a blessing and a curse.

That's for sure. I can't tell you how many times I have gone over in my head "if we had never bought a computer....."

I often wonder if that would have changed the course of our marriage.

AOL has singlehandedly destroyed my life as I knew it.

[This message edited by wasfooled2 at 2:22 AM, June 20th (Wednesday)]


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
Sandygirl
♀ Member
Member # 10943
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't tell you how close I came to throwing away every computer I have in my home. I feel like I can't trust him around a computer. Its like bringing an alcoholic a drink.

I still can't believe I've been going through this for over a year.


WS:42 H
BS:37 Me
My boys:5,4
D-day: My sons birthday 4/06 hired a girl to video tape, found tons of chat messages with different girls, know of one girl that he was in contact with
Dday #2 5/31/07 2nd webcam found
? 7/1/07
7/25/07 3rd webcam

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Florida
ThyrceIdiot
♀ Member
Member # 14691
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the internet is especially handy for those who like to really exaggerate their fantasies. Heck, with the net, you don't even have to worry about your appearance or body odor! They can put the AP in a really unrealistic position - a chat window - and type their marriage right into the ground.

Of course, often times the very thing that allowed them to start the affair is the very thing to bust it up - the lovely internet and it's amazing capacity for information. I love SI!


"Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on."

"It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew."
~ Henry Rollins


Posts: 317 | Registered: May 2007
stillstinging
♀ Member
Member # 14887
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I guess I am a member of this club too.
Lucky us.
So, is it an EA when it's totally sex chatting?
The emails back and forth were all about hopeful encounters and then eventually about their PA!
Painful, humiliating and mind numbing.
I have gotten as many details as I can from him and OWx2.
There are still some gray areas that I would like to address.
He is remorseful, embarassed and angry at himself.
I still have a key logger and my eyes wide open.
We are attempting to R but it's still so new (5 weeks) that I am not totally there trust wise.


BW (me) 50
WS(him)52
Married 26 years
Together 26 years
4 beautful amazing children. The loves of my life.
DDay #1 May 18 (email)
DDay #2 June 11 (proof of 2 PA)
8/13/07 DDay #3
Comfortably reconciling.

Posts: 587 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, June 22nd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kicked him out last 9/06.

Need some help here.

I have been putting off reading his "hot chats"...not sure if I can handle it or not.

But, I feel like I have to.

I have to...because it will be like the final nail in HIS coffin.

I guess I'm afraid to...

Cound not wait to eagerly read it before, n now, I've been postponing it.

Why??

Anyone else feel this way?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Repeat after me...he's a Mind Fuck!...repeat this 5,000 times...or till it sinks in". -- DogMom

Maybe it's sunk in and what you needed to do is done.

((((dreamlife))))


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to welcome you morgaine, and keep up the good work of NC!

A warm welcome to the new members of the online club!

For you newbies, my only nugget of worthy information is that the BS gets to decide what is betrayal and infidelity. They are the ones being hurt by it and need to acknowledge that even a relationship that involves no touching or 3-D contact can be quite sexual, quite emotional and quite harmful.

Don't let the WS talk you out of your pain by trying to justify or minimize their infidelity by the fact it was "just online." If it hurts you it is betrayal of you and your relationship!


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Foggy
♀ Member
Member # 15019
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, June 23rd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say if it walks like a chicken, clucks like a chicken, and and has feathers like a chicken, but is "only" a video on the internet, it's still a chicken.

Case in point: if they are cybering online, it can probably only be attributed to the fact that the OP is still too far away to do it in person. Online sex is sex. All it lacks is the exchange of bodily fluids and disease. Therefore, it is cheating.

That's how I feel, anyway.


Vagabundas, tramps, and thieves-
Spouse usurpers are all of these.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oklahoma
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