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User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night FWH and I had a little talk about online relationships and online experience.

He said that he looks back on all that and realized that most of the interaction and involvement was "Totally in fantasy, totally in my head and so foggy that I couldn't even see it was unreal."

We spoke about the fact that he kept telling me "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. I know what the kids are doing, I'm not ignoring anything here..." He said that he thought that just his physical presence was required, he had no idea what was happening in our home since he was totally entranced with "the screen."

He said there is the "Internet fog" separate from the sexual/EA part. He also said that it really gets foggy when justification for indiscretions become necessary.

He apologized again and again for letting himself fall into that fog so completely. He cannot believe it of himself.

He recently was im'd by someone from four yrs ago. Not a g/f, just a person. He said that even 2 years ago if she had shared the info she shared with him the other night it would have hooked him right back into the KISA syndrome, BUT he has had enough distance from that. He was cordial, sympathetic and didn't carry it further. He said "I just am not on that wavelength anymore where I feel I am the only one to talk to about troubles. I won't have any secrets anymore."

And it was the "secrets".. the "don't say anything to so-and-so" element that kept him so enthralled. He felt special to all those women since he was their "protector and confidante" He said that as long as he played that role he was destroyer of his marriage and family.

Can we give this man a hand! I see he has made sooooo much progress here!


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
erinlc
♀ Member
Member # 14491
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that's pretty much what happened with my FWH. He has belonged to an ems related website with a chatroom for a couple of years. There are several women in there that are obviously desperate for attention, and some that are so bad that he says he has avoided getting on there in the past if he saw those particular women in there. But he has been a KISA for a few women in there, it is just that he let it go too far this time and let himself get attached to the damsel in distress. Previously, he would do as your H now does, just give a sympathetic ear, but not get too personal. But something about this particular woman clicked with him, and he says he really didn't think it was cheating since it wasn't "real", even though he knew it was wrong and went to great lengths to hide things when I wasn't even looking or suspicious yet.

I think the internet fog is what makes them susceptible. They disconnect from their real lives and the fantasy world takes on a life of it's own. And the internet world can be a seedy place that can really skew a person's perspective.


Me, BS, 36 y/o
Husband, FWS, 36 y/o
Together 19 years, married 17 years

Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter - Lee Ann Womack


Posts: 3145 | Registered: May 2007
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


They disconnect from their real lives and the fantasy world takes on a life of it's own. And the internet world can be a seedy place that can really skew a person's perspective

AAAAAAAAA-Men Erin!

It is a skewed world, filled with anonymity, making up of new identities, bullying through booting, power trips of a sort I have never seen IRL and believe me ... I have seen power trips.

The disconnect from reality seems even more so online.


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
mmhurts
♂ Member
Member # 14798
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too have now been on both sides of this beast. I carried on a chat only affair where we exchanged pics and set up a meeting. Turned out I'd been set up by a guy who was messing with me! I learned my lesson about chat but not about cheating.

I have been into porn for years. For years my wife complained, but I never took it to heart. The last couple years I started going to massage parlors and this is where I think my marriage went downhill quickly. My wife could feel the distance but didnt' know what to do. She still doesn't know the extent of my cheating.

I found out about her cheating on-line when the OM sent her a message in the game World of Warcraft that seemed too intimate. I confronted her and she confessed.

She has not given up the game and even plans to stay in the guild, but swears there will be no direct contact. I want to believe her, but she's still coming out of the fog and has not apologized and doesn't know what she wants to do about our marriage.

I have given up all my porn and massage parlor activity and am now seeking therapy. Had a great consult today as a matter of fact.

It's kind of funny, but I had decided to give up my oversexed escapist cheating when this whole thing went down. It's really freaky that it happened this way. This happen to anyone else?


Divorced 10-31-08
2 kids: DD13 and DD9
Me: -45
Divorced and better than ever.

Posts: 2188 | Registered: May 2007
tryingandcrying
♀ New Member
Member # 14811
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like he doesn't see it the way I do because the women he spoke with live far away and he never met them in person. It's still a human being and you're still saying things to them that only me, your wife, should read. It pisses me off he never writes me love notes or sweet letters or even sexy things like he said to them, THAT SHOULD BE MINE. It's not fair!


Yes I know there ain't no finish line, I know this never ends * But I'm just learning how to fall, climb back up again * I know there is nothing perfect, I know there is nothing new * We are just learning how to live together, me and you...

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Maine
Shadow Dog
♂ New Member
Member # 14695
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mmhurt: We're in more or less the same boat, although my wife has not had online entanglements (I think ).

I'm going to reiterate the WS party line: tell her everything. Get all the poison out so you can both begin to heal and move forward.

My next step was pretty drastic: curtailing online activity to pretty much nil. No chat or PMs my wife can't read. No alternate accounts. And no game playing. No MMORPGs, not even MUDs or MUSHes. All done, all gone. Considering most of the writing I've had published in the last 2 years was about MMOs, I think if I can give it up, so can you. Play console games, and do it offline.


"Genuine, demonstrated, and enthusiastic remorse is the necessary condition for beginning to think about starting R." -- toonice

Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2007
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya know, I really am glad that the WS and BS can join in this forum!

I think Internet Fog really gets to so many of us that we need to support each other through it!

Welcome everyone to our spot, a place where all of us can sort of hold hands to learn and find our way!


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Nobodys Angel
♀ New Member
Member # 14237
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is where I belong, H's EA was all on line. I finally had enough, emailed the other woman told her what she knew of H's life was fantasy and really did not know him. Funny 1 week later found out H had initiated contact again so again emailed her msm and a work email (wished I had flagged it so her IT people would have to read the message). H seems to be coming out of a fog cuz I was leaving, and to top it all of my uncle called my house and asked for me by by maiden name (all Unknown to me) I believe he's shell shocked and is now trying to R.
I do feel that taking care of oneself first is formost, which is what I have been doing. My heart is not as heaving thanking everyone on SI, but I do have a long way to go and find lots of support here.

HUGGS TO EVERYONE
THE PAIN DOES LET UP


Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Toronto
Sandygirl
♀ Member
Member # 10943
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, June 2nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found another webcam he was hiding a few days ago. I just took it, and I'm waiting for his reaction.

I thought all this was possible over...but here we go again I'm sure there is some secret e-mail and chat account.


WS:42 H
BS:37 Me
My boys:5,4
D-day: My sons birthday 4/06 hired a girl to video tape, found tons of chat messages with different girls, know of one girl that he was in contact with
Dday #2 5/31/07 2nd webcam found
? 7/1/07
7/25/07 3rd webcam

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Florida
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, June 2nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bravo to Mr. Unarmbears!

I went thru so MUCH of this stuff with WH...now that we are Sep., I don't care anymore.

Its such a relief not to care...


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, June 2nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PAs can originate on the internet, as in my case. My FWH met his mistress on Paltalk. Even though he drove to be with her every few weeks, most of their relationship took place on Paltalk. After D-Day and NC, I hung out on Paltalk for a number of months off and on, just to see how these people operate. I even posed as a man from her city. It didn't take long and she was giving me her phone number and address. I didn't have to do or say much at all to draw her in. I finally got bored with the whole game, gave her huge hints as to who was doing this and she figured it out. She told me she knew all along. Yarite!! I wanted to prove a point about these internet chat sites. For some, they are just pick-up joints. Also wanted to show FWH that he was nothing special to her; as our MC said ages ago, "She's done this before and she'll do it again." FWH walked right into her arms fully aware of what he was doing--idiot!!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, June 4th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Sandy_girl))))

Do you have a keylogger? It sounds like your WH wants to just go deeper undercover to keep up his shenanigans!

I am so sorry ... I hate seeing so many d-days for you!
It just hurts so bad!


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, June 4th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dreamlife)))

I remember looking at my husband 2 years ago and thinking that I had to go, I could not stay in this madness any longer.

He pulled his head out of his butt, and I can honestly say that it has taken a long time for me to feel safe again.

I know that I could have taken a shortcut to healing if I had left...but I love to torture myself I guess lol

BUT here we are, you and I dreamlife, surviving and thriving when we didn't know if we ever could again!


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Sandygirl
♀ Member
Member # 10943
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unarmbears,

I never had the guts to get a keylogger. His initial reaction to the first d day was that I invaded his privacy and that I needed to trust him.

Well, I had a bad feeling it was happening again so I set up a digital recorder near the computer and could hear everything including the tapping back and forth on the keyboard for almost 2 hours. See, I work nights so it gives him more time to himself to fool around. That's what brought me to search the house like crazy. But, as I listened carefully to the recorder, I could hear the specific drawer he hid it in and that's how I found it. The other day he claimed that he had some stuff "missing"...never mentioned the webcam, of course.


WS:42 H
BS:37 Me
My boys:5,4
D-day: My sons birthday 4/06 hired a girl to video tape, found tons of chat messages with different girls, know of one girl that he was in contact with
Dday #2 5/31/07 2nd webcam found
? 7/1/07
7/25/07 3rd webcam

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Florida
Chella
♀ New Member
Member # 14689
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I guess I need to throw my hat into this ring. You can read my story in my profile.
My WH is Shadow Dog and we are in the midst of R. Things are going well, but it is not without its ups and downs.

His A(s) all started online. He started off in Second Life about 2 years ago. I caught him, he repented and vowed never to do it again. He saw how hurt I was.

He had me put Safe Eyes on his computer but it was merely a bandaid to the whole problem. It worked for awhile, until he found a way around it and at one point I accidentally turned it off. That's when the real crapola hit the fan. He started with message boards, PMs, and e-mails. He started trolling message boards that promoted extra-marital affairs. He decided that finding someone to fulfill his sexual needs (not me) was the answer to his problems. He convinced himself that he could have this "secret life" and still have a happy marriage because he still loved me...but needed "more".

On one of the message boards he finally found one girl that would meet him and after a couple months of cybering and phone calls they agreed to meet at a hotel in another town for a weekend. WH told me this was just a small vacation to help him get away from work stress. I even packed his suitcase and called him there several times. He talked to me while he was with her, even told me he missed me and loved me.

This A eventually ended and he progressed to another woman from the same board. This one became the more serious EA. I might also point out that all the while he was still cybering with women from Second Life and some other women on other boards.

Our d-day occurred 3 1/2 weeks ago when I discovered his "secret e-mail" account for the EA. He denied much at first, he even wrote a fake NC letter to the EA woman but I found out about it. I did a lot of digging and when presented with the truth it was all revealed.In spades. Most of it made me feel like I was having my heart ripped out of my chest, but I am now convinced all is out in the open. He has been an open book since. He wrote a real NC to the EA woman and we are in MC and I truly believe we are on a good path.

I wanted to point out something that our MC told us. You see, I had been in a previous marriage that was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. Through counseling I managed to escape this man with my life. It was close. He put me in the hospital twice.
So, I KNEW what abuse was. I thought.

Our MC pointed out, that what my WH did was also abuse. This hit me hard, but it hit my H even harder. He had never considered himself to be an abusive husband, but in truth, abuse is abuse. He abused my trust and in many ways that is even more painful than being beaten. I think it was facing this truth that shocked my H into reality and has really started us on our way to healing.

I am sharing all of this, knowing that Shadow Dog will also read it.
That is the other thing. Total disclosure of everything.
We are both so happy to have found this forum and most especially this thread.
It helps so much to know that others have gone through such similar experiences. I hope we can help each other get our lives back on track.
*hugs to all*
C

[This message edited by Chella at 11:21 PM, June 6th (Wednesday)]


"If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?"
-T.S. Eliot

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2007 | From: East Coast
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope we can help each other get our lives back on track.

I hope so, too.

Glad you found this forum.

Hugs!!


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
CrushedChick
♀ New Member
Member # 14873
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awe.... man.. I belong in this club to.


D-day 6-3-07
Psyical Affair took place a year and half ago. He met her on-line.
They met up at a hotel 10-05
They have continued to talk (email)the Affair, but never saw eachother since.
He has had no contact with her since May of 2007



Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, June 8th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh, bears, has it been that long already??

You really helped me a LOT, sweetie, when I dragged in here end of Sept.

I'm starting to actually thrive, again!

I have more good days than bad now that we are Sep., I don't have psycho infecting my aura daily, and D looms on the horizon.

Whew, what a relief to have made this decision at long, long last!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, June 9th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

awwwww dreamlife!

Luckily for me, I knew my Faithful husband for 20+ years before he found the internet.

If I had been through what you have been through w/ the mindfF#^k I would be on vacation like you...alone and very happy lol


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, June 10th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, bears.

However, WH told me he did all this in the early-mid 90s with his first W.

He was very computer savvy even way back then with DOS.

I have been talking to several men but I cannot get past the suspicion & paranoia.

I don't think I am ever going to be able to fully TRUST another man ever again.

The lies & the constant cheating have all taken their toll and I fear its...permanent damage.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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