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User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, April 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote this a three years ago and gave it to my husband. It's taken a while, but he's getting it....

Running Scans on your WifeyXP

Your computer needs to have regular scans run to assure proper operation and prevent slowdown of processing speed. There are powerful programs to provide you with the needed tools to assure your computer is working at its best.

For you gents out there who are married or have a significant other and have a computer here are some programs to assure your SO* or DW* are functioning at their highest potential, thus making your marriage operate smoothly. These programs prevent memory slowdown, withdrawl of physical pleasure and devastating crashes of the female system.

These scans and programs must be run daily on your SO or DW:

Knot-bot Search and Destroy: This tool, when uploaded correctly, will assure a pleasant smile and friendly conversation. Place your hands gently but firmly on your SO or DW’s shoulders while standing behind her. Rub and massage until you feel the knots disappear in her shoulders, neck and back. You will immediately notice improved functioning and greater ease of operation.

The Watcher: This product, new from Marriagesoft, assures that your SO or DW will feel appreciated and understood. To run this program just open your eyes and look around you. If things look clean, organized and pleasant and you have been at your computer, chances are your SO or DW has completed tasks that have contributed to this environment. A sub-program has been loaded into this software called “The commenter” which, when started, should bring on statements from you of appreciation and praise. Simply open your mouth and say something nice.

The “Off -Switch” is software that assures that your SO or DW feels significant and/or dear to you. Simply click on “start” and shut down your computer. Turn to your SO or DW and say “I love you, want to cuddle and watch a television program together, your choice.” Other statements that could be made are “Want to see a movie?” or “Want to go shoot a game of pool?”

The “On-Switch” software program was designed for mutual pleasure. After utilizing the Knot-Bot, The Watcher and the Off-Switch, applying the “On-Switch” will result in memorable moments for both you and your SO or DW.

For other software products that will assure the proper operation and smooth running of your precious, costly SO or DW just click on “Quiet Moments” after running the “On-Switch.” on your SO or DW model of operating system. Reconnect to the world wife web and explore your love.

Thank you for testing our products, we hope you enjoy the outcome!



FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
ladyvorkosigan
♀ Member
Member # 8283
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, April 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very nice.=)


It nagged him, in particular, that none of the girls he’d known so far had given him a sense of unalloyed triumph.

Posts: 14221 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Florida
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, April 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Ladyv!


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
ladyvorkosigan
♀ Member
Member # 8283
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, April 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to believe that too, and can see why'd youd think a person talking to your H would be disillusioned when suddenly faced with his true dishevelled appearance.But over the last few years
Ive come to realize its not true.

I don't think the person you're responding to is saying that her husband is too basically physically repulsive to attract women. I think she's saying that were they to be faced with him in the state he was when he was speaking with them, dishevelled, unwashed, basically the way he presented himself to her as he schlubbed around the house - they would be repulsed. And sure they would. He was putting across his "best face" online because it's easy to put on both your best personality and your cutest appearance online, because all you have to do is send them one picture, and it can be one that you choose. Or you could send them someone else's picture. It's just about the low degree of effort that has to be put into online seduction. Her husband couldn't shuffle off unshowered in his ratty bathrobe to the local bar and hope to pick up women, but to pick them up online he needn't even perform basic hygiene.


It nagged him, in particular, that none of the girls he’d known so far had given him a sense of unalloyed triumph.

Posts: 14221 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Florida
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, April 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep yep ladyv, that is exactly what I meant!

It is the FANTASY as Inchy said! I know my FWH would "imagine" those women in his head after seeing photos or them on cam. It's really easy to keep what is right behind you tidy. The webcam only shows a small piece of a person's physical space. The rest is left to the imagination.


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, April 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and i might add, it took a year of him not messing around online before I got him a new robe or new sweats... I did throw away the old ones, but he had to be "clean" on the inside before I could muster a new robe for him....lol


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Nobodys Angel
♀ New Member
Member # 14237
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a recent update, my H was caught thanks to a keylogger just yesterday. I could not and would not take any more, I asked him to leave gave him all the prove to back up the request. He says he's sorry and loves me and we could work it out. H told me all my faults that caused him to look to his "firend" and that he would stop it. Also said that in a day or so "we" would write a email to her. Today ALL his email accounts have new passwords HMMMMM. I have read the "180" and the the other shorter version of 7 I believe posted by Andrew. I printed them off so I would always have them but its SO hard when I look at H and know that he's done all this. How long should I wait to see if he wants to write this email. BTW I gave back my rings and told him that he has trashed what they stood for and would never wear them again. How can you carry on with the 180 but hurt so much?

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Toronto
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry! Big hugs to you!

H told me all my faults that caused him to look to his "firend" and that he would stop it. Also said that in a day or so "we" would write a email to her. Today ALL his email accounts have new passwords

Honey, actions speak louder than words.

He is trying to keep his "friend" and still have you to blame it on.

The 180 hurts, omg, it was so very hard, but I learned so much and got so much better than if I had kept beggin and pleading for something that wasn't going to happen as long as begged and pleaded.

It takes time for the 180 to work its magic on you! What it does for or against your husband you have no control over.

You have to get yourself strong or you will continue to believe all the negative crap he throws out there.

He has to SEE that you refuse to believe his excuses for talking to his friend.

It's tough, but you can do it.
You are not the reason he is doing what he is doing. HE owns it.

He is only offering words of placation, not acting like he has any remorse.

Let him know... NC with her NOW and make a consequence that you can live with.


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Nobodys Angel
♀ New Member
Member # 14237
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have asked him to do the NC with her and last week and I think that is what prompted me to do what I have done. He laughed at the idea cuz I asked him to make a contract with me to have NC with her and what the consequesed would be. So that is now a no issue. BTW just checked and one email account is back but not his "secret" acct.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Toronto
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have a keylogger or similar program on your computer, does your WS know it's there?


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
Nobodys Angel
♀ New Member
Member # 14237
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No WS does not know its there. So I guess I'll find out tonite when he is at work.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Toronto
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard to make a foggy WS see reason. He's likely justifying it by saying "I've never met her- how can it be the same as cheating?"

Hang in there, NA, you know that you're right and what he's doing IS cheating.

I hope he wakes up.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
Nobodys Angel
♀ New Member
Member # 14237
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Fallen. I hope he does come out of the fog. After 25 years with him I still love him. I will have to try the 180 harder if I am going to survive myself.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Toronto
Nobodys Angel
♀ New Member
Member # 14237
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS has said he(we) will write an email to his "friend" in a day or so, that was Mon. after I had asked him to leave, has not left. How long should I wait or should I push the issue now. I know in the 180 it says not to bring up the subject but I just want this done to get on with things. Opinions please.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Toronto
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, what is the consequence of him not writing the NC letter and following through with NC?

The 180 "rules" are really guidelines. If he doesn't write the letter, if he keeps his "special friend", what then? That is when you apply the consequence. You can then use the 180 to save yourself. It is in that "indifference" that you learn strength.

The 180 is not a way to win a husband away from a computer. It is a way to gain some control over the only person you have control over...YOU!

He is trying to minimize and laugh at your pain. Is that fair?

A friend of mine said "Take a stand!"

There is no reconciliation of a marriage with continued conversational contact with the OP, no matter how far away they are.


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
K Phantom
♂ Member
Member # 14105
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, guess I am going to chime in here too.

I have been married 15 years and have no children. D-day March 19, 2006. I had not had sex with my FWW for over eight months, at the time I thought this was because she had gained a little weight and has always been very conscious of this. I know I know big red flag now. I had to start snooping. Boy did I get more than I bargained for. Voice conversions video scenes and of course massive amounts of cyber sex chat logs. In complete shock I said nothing that night. I would copy her hard drive the next day, as I am in the computer business and work out of the house. After I copied it I kinda don’t remember the next two weeks. I think I was tiring to be the best possible husband I could as if it were a contest between me an the OM(I did see stuff that stated she was leaving me for him). I have concentrated on my marriage all my life. I gave up my job at times because my FWW did not like the aria we lived in. She has always been very independent and it is one of the things I love about her. She could not find a job where we were, and she soon was on ADs.

Right after d-Day I insisted on MC. That was a waist of time, I don’t think we had a very good counselor. I know I have learned more on this site about infidelity then the whole time we were in MC.

She was in love with the OM and it would have been a PA if they lived in the same country. They said so to each other and I have proof. She was bringing him up in MC(in a loving dearing way) and the counselor did not say hey maybe your husband does not want to hear that. Wtf. I puked enough times just reading that shit for a day and believe me there was enough material to keep a perverts busy for months. I have not looked at it since d-Day and will never again. Let the lawyer do it if that where this goes.

Now thanks to si the rule is that I am allowed to bring him up (when I am feeling bad about it) and she is not. When I do she is just to say sorry a hundred times over. She BROKE my heart and I don’t believe that our marriage will ever be the same. I’m pretty sure that I will never forget. Anyone that does not feel that this is a real form of infidelity they are wrong. She is out of the fog now and has NC with the OM, but still spends too much time online. Were working on that.


Me BS
Her WS
Kids 0
Married 15 yrs 02/14/1993
DD#1 3/29/06
DD#2 6/23/07
D 4/15/2008

Posts: 490 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: USA PA
Sandygirl
♀ Member
Member # 10943
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't believe how many stories are similar to mine.
My story is in detail on my profile, but the short is I became suspicious when he took my video camera to "video a new car". He said the car was gone from the dealer, I then drove by it, there was the car.

Then I realized I hadn't seen a cell phone bill in a long time. I found out he was hiding it. I then hacked into my own cell phone account and his "secret" yahoo account. Dummy never erased his chats with women. I read it all he had chats and cyber sex with several women including one that he specifically called on his cell phone. She lived just a couple of hours away, I believe I caught this in time. I also found his webcam so it was all live.

The video camera? Well he claimed he hired someone and took video of her then destroyed the video. Some 20year old bimbo. I believe deep down it was a call girl, hence, I did a full std check on myself and him.

I don't trust him. I won't let him do any secret codes on anything. This is the only chance I am giving him. He does this to me again we are through. He refused any MC, therefore, he'd better find a way to heal himself. In the meantime, I've got my eyes wide open.


WS:42 H
BS:37 Me
My boys:5,4
D-day: My sons birthday 4/06 hired a girl to video tape, found tons of chat messages with different girls, know of one girl that he was in contact with
Dday #2 5/31/07 2nd webcam found
? 7/1/07
7/25/07 3rd webcam

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Florida
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome K Phantom and Sandygirl!


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
erinlc
♀ Member
Member # 14491
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, should we start issuing cards to this particular membership, maybe it would feel a little more legitimate since it seems like the WS wants to minimalize it? My husband did not have a online affair of a sexual nature, but it could have got there if I hadn't caught it (though he says he doesn't think it would have, it wasn't what he wanted, but he wasn't doing a good job at controlling himself now was he?). My FWH belonged to a chatroom where he could socialize with other people that did his job. A few months ago, a woman joined that he said he liked, but that it was just a casual flirtation like a lot of the relationships he had with the other women on there. About 3 months ago, he started having headaches, and she is in med school and was apparently being supportive. By about 2 months ago, they had hit it off so well they were talking daily for hours in the chatroom through private chatting and through private messaging when he was at work because the computers there would not allow him to access the chatroom. It was about this time that I would come home from school in the evening to find the kids and the house in complete chaos. I asked my oldest what was going on, and he said his dad just sits on the computer all night and yells at the younger kids if they interrupt him. Then, about a month ago, our computer had a major malfunction, and after several days, it was determined that it would have to be replaced under the warranty. In the meantime, we went off for a vacation on Vegas, where my husband acted distant and irritated about everything. Upon our return, he kept asking when we'd get the new computer, which was going to take about another week (at that point he had been without the computer for about a week), so he suggested we buy a second computer since he thought we could use it with my school and everything. So we bought the computer, and apparently he got back on and that is when she gave him her cell phone number, "in case he needed to talk". That is when he says it went completely inapropriate, with all the sweetheart stuff, etc. It was about 2 weeks later that I discovered the incriminating pm's after he had let one of our children get hurt by not watching him and sitting on the computer instead. He was writing affectionate things, supportive of her problems, telling her he was holding her, etc. I confronted him, and he was apologetic and afraid, said he'd end it, became very affectionate with me. I grew suspicious when after a couple of days he was doing a lot of private chatting with no more pm's (I could see the little private chat windows when I'd walk by, and the only pm message he'd received from her sounded like a staged apology justifying their relationship). So I installed a spy program, Spector Pro, which monitors everything. He was telling her not to pm him, just chat, and they were carrying on just as I suspected, they even told each other that they loved each other, that he couldn't imagine not talking to her everyday, that he'd miss her too much. I didn't tell him abut the program yet, but I had a talk with him where I used some of the information I had to give him some perspective (I asked him if he had ever told her that he loved her, he lied and said no, tried to tell me it was like she was a sister or something). He seemed affected by this talk, and I checked his private chatting later, and when she started to try to boohoo on his shoulder and flirt with him, he kept it polite and cut it short, I was so encouraged! I was a fool! By that night, she had managed to boohoo her way back in, and he was back to all the holding her and crap again. So, the next day, I told him about the spy program, he was shocked. Everything came to a head, and he agreed to stop contact with her. He stayed off for three days, on the first day, he didn't stay long enough to run across her. By the second day, she was back and he kept it polite, but she was trying to boohoo to him. On the third day, they were back to talking about each other's problems, but not all the affectionate crap, though they did give each other hugs. All this while he knew I could see it, and he says he didn't think he was doing anything wrong since I could see it (I think it would have been only a matter of time before she suggested he get some account I couldn't monitor so they could continue to talk out of my supervision). He now says he was trying to back away, but to him, that meant trying to take it back to just a freindship. I told him that was not possible, once you cross the line, there is no going back. I think that would have just led to another complete relapse anyway. I exposed their relationship in the forum of that site, and he was mad at me for awhile, saying I cost him his friendships there, but that was just his perspective at that time, and I think he was more embarassed than anything for getting caught not being the good husband he portrayed himself as there. He withdrew from me for awhile, I think he was grieving for that A. He has gotten past that, and we are currently in MC. He seems to be coming to a better understanding of how damaging what he did was, and he doesn't blame me for any of it. I showed him the progression of the chats he had with her, and he was honestly suprised by some of it because his memory or perception had been distorted. He says he honestly doesn't remember typing that he loved her, he says he must have been more out of control than he had thought. We are far from done with dealing with this, but I see progress everyday.


Me, BS, 36 y/o
Husband, FWS, 36 y/o
Together 19 years, married 17 years

Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter - Lee Ann Womack


Posts: 3145 | Registered: May 2007
burnt
♀ Member
Member # 14680
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I belong here too. Mine is a little different though.

After my son was born 4 years ago, I couldn't take off all the weight, so I felt less attractive. My H still caressed me and still wanted to have sex all the time. I was put on migrane medicine which I gained 30 pounds on. Another depressing moment. At this time I started pushing my H away when he would caress or want to have sex. I HATED myself. So, my H stared to pull away and started to come home later and later. He did try to tell me that I needed to be more positive, but I couldn't. I felt horrible about myself even asking myself "why would he want to be with me". In the meantime, my Father passed away 7 months ago and my Mother has cancer. Then last Fall he came home and looked at me and said "You are so negative" and we talked and he said he had thought about divorce.

Now for the kicker...I had asked him several times if there was someone else. He said "no". In the meantime I am trying to change my attitude. He was still coming home late everynight. Finally 1 1/2 months ago, I put myself on depression meds and changed my birthcontrol so I would have a better sex drive. It has made a huge difference for me. I feel better about myself and my sex drive has come back. I thought things were getting better, but he was still coming home late. I went to meet him at work one night about a month ago because he said he was going to do some more work and it would take 1 1/2 hours. He was not there. I confronted him when he came home. He said he stopped and talked with a good friend of his. Then after more interrogation by me, he said he just took the long way home. He was tired of coming home to a negative wife. Then 1 1/2 weeks ago I got on his computer and found emails to two women. One of which he had been emailing since November. They talked about things that each of them had done over weekend, and then it went into "When I come there we will have to loose T.J. (his coworker) and go do something and be sneaky. The other woman works in the same town he does and one of the emails stared off "Good morning my love". And she wrote to him that she would have to turn on the air if they were in a car togehther.

I confronted him about all of this and he didn't see anything wrong with it. He said they were just friends joking around. He said there was never any touching, kissing, etc. The one that works in the same town, he has gone to lunch with a couple of times to listen to her about her divorce she is going through. He says he was just trying to be someone to help her out. We have discussed this several times.

He now understands that it was EA because I made him read some things. He says he is truely sorry and that he did cross the line. He knows the boundaries now and says there will be no mre emails or lunches. He will break off all ties. (He will not be able to avoiod them 100% because his job requires him to service things at their workplaces) He says he will keep it 100% professional. He knows if it happens again that it is over.

[This message edited by burnt at 1:25 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me BS 32
Him FWS 32
Children D8 S6
D-Day May 22nd, 2007 (Our 8th Anniversary)

Posts: 163 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Iowa
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