I think one of the worst things with a double betrayal is that the "friend" is often someone whom you've shared your insecurities and worries about your marriage with, and then they use them AGAINST you, with your SPOUSE, even after you've put your trust in them. I think that's what stings the most.
Been there, totally agree.
I've learned keeping my friendships separate from my marriage is helpful for me. Since i found out about his A's WS has onle met one of many friends, and only because he was home unexpectedly one afternoon she was at our house. WS is blocked from my FB page so he is not able to hunt fu*k buddies from my friends list anymore either.
Absolutely. When my WS had an A, it was with the one person I'd shared intimate details of our relationship with. I'd told her things I wouldn't even dream of telling my own sister. When the truth came out, there were things that shocked me that she'd ASKED of him, knowing they were off limits with me.
In addition, during the period of their A, she'd call me, ask me what our fights were about, then turn to my WS and use them as further bait to draw him to her.
Now he wonders why I don't invite people into our home.
A Dates: March 2013-May 2013
D-Day 2013: May 24
MW: My former best friend.
Anyone else in that boat? Or is this just something I will eventually work past?
[This message edited by DWBH at 2:12 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]
Looking for the rainbow after the storm
We mend and offer forgiveness to our spouses because they are the ones we have given vows to, made families with, and love. It is easy to then hate and place greater blame on our EX friends because we hate what happened.
I got rid of all pictures of OW/xBFF, starting at age two when our parents had us in dance class together. I re-wrote the history of our friendship and NONE of it is documented anymore other than her signature on our marriage license.
I don't regret getting rid of those things as looking at them would only remind me of where we ended up. But, I do not think that 2 yr old OW/xBFF had ill intentions towards me. Nor did 12 yr old OW, or even 22 yr old OW. She, like my fWH, got caught up in a the fantasy, and in her case had the added fuel of jealousy as she felt I had the life she deserved.
I did not feel this way until after I was close to three years out though. I hated her to the core and gave her 100 times the blame than I did my fWH. She was my best friend, how could she do this!?? But, really, he was my husband.. Who promised to love only me, who made me the mother of his four daughters, who vowed to me and God to never forsake me. Yet he did.. She didn't promise me one single thing in life.
But yes, I totally get and acknowledge your point about assignment of blame being unequal. That's all very logical and rational, and hopefully someday, I will be in a place where I can emotionally accept that and stop devoting so much hateful energy towards OM.
I wrote her a letter and asked for an apology, which I got-- which was, in the end, weak. But, it did shine a light on her and there are some things about it that have been a bonding thing for my fWH and I.
Looking back I obviously see red flags. . .she was very attentive to my husband. She/they/we liked to banter together, and he was usually the focus. I have started to believe we were all part of some crazy flirting thing that the OWH and I weren't aware of. (To be fair, OWH was a big banterer, but I don't think had designs on my husband, ha.)
Anyway . i do know now she had a crush on my husband for years. I find it hard to get over that. . . .that she would put her family and mine at risk for her fantasy life by continuing to cultivate a friendship with us. maybe she didn't imagine herself capable of such a terrible thing.
So, my fWH is 100% responsible for his actions, but I do feel she was more the pursuer, at least at first.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:10 AM, August 9th (Friday)]
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months
In MC & Reconciling
Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time. ; )
If your husband claims he has given you the truth, ask him to take a lie detector to prove it. Do not play nice with OW, she is just as much a cheater and a liar.
I'm basically "playing nice" hoping I can get the truth from her, since I can't trust anything WH says. My sister thinks this is a bad idea. I figure it can't hurt. Advice?
VERY bad idea, IMO. Trust me, it will only lead to more pain and resentment towards your friend.
NC, NC, NC. Just walk away, and do your best to never acknowledge her existence again.
[This message edited by DWBH at 9:31 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]
Now I'm done with her. Unfriended her on FB and NC from now on. I don't care how much she's sorry, there are some lines you just don't cross!
Even if she hadn't been directly involved in SAWH's cheating, I couldn't be around her right now because of the lifestyle she's chosen to lead the last few years. She and her H have an 'open' marriage and she regularly places ads on CL and gives BJs to a lot of her male friends. Those type of triggers are bad for me right now. I probably should have dropped her as a friend when she started going down that path, but I thought "She's an adult and can make her own decisions." Boy did that come back to bit me in the a$$.
I don't have any more energy to waste on her.
There may be times you feel like you want to ask her more, but I would just throw those thoughts out. If you continue to contact her, it will only cause you more pain in the long run.
Now I feel like there is no one I can trust. The old once burned, twice shy. Do we ever get past that? Do I even want to? I feel like I'm walking around with my STBXH's dagger in my heart and xBFF's knife in my back.
There are now three adults that I trust, my mother, my father, and surprisingly my sister-in-law (technically wife of brother-in-law). I trust SIL because she is a brutally honest person, and if she has a problem with me, she will tell me.
My actual sisters are anxious to support me, but can't understand why I didn't just leave STBX on D-Day. They seem to think it will make me feel better to tell me that "they never really liked STBX." They've also told me about every horror story they've heard about divorce (false accusations, DCFS involvement, emptying bank accounts, parental alienation, etc). I've never been really close with them, and all their "support" hasn't changed my mind. So if you can't rely on your sisters, who can you trust?
[This message edited by Gemini71 at 7:28 PM, October 28th (Monday)]
I know that pain except R came for fWH and I. I know the whole feeling as if you will never trust another person, and it sounds like your sisters are not the ones you will be able to lean on in this process.
OW/xBFF was my MOH also, and I can still see her pathetic signature on my marriage license. It sucks, being friends with someone that long and then they steal your sense of trust in all human beings.
The good news I can offer is that with healing, some trust returns. I have to question if blind trust is truly healthy for anyone? I mean, how can we put full 100% blind trust into people who are completely imperfect and failable?
But, those types of questions come with 3+ years healing. It is hard when it is fresh.
If you are not in IC, please at least consider it. I have made a complete 180 of who I was post dday and who I am today and much of it is from the work done in IC. This is where we learn to heal and learn to be alive in my opinion.
Ignore what your sisters say about the horror stories of divorce. Every divorce is different. Maybe set boundaries with them that their opinion isn't really wanted and you will set your own course with your lawyer on your own. We see consistently that NO ONES story is the same.
Good luck with it all, be good to yourself. You deserve it.
I was very withdrawn and introverted before the A, and the people I truly trusted were few and far between. And two of them completely decimated that, so yeah, trust is not something that will likely ever occur again.