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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
dovetool
♀ Member
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myheart,

Yes we both are NC with the OW. I see her and have been able to avoid it so far. She doesnt knwo I know yet. One day she was hanging out at the field where my WH coaches just playing with her kid. It was wierd she knew that he would be there. We had been back together for 6 months and he had cut it off a little longer than that.

He did grab my hand and walk me onto the field with him and held my hand almost the whole time. But I knwo why she was there. Hoping to somehow start conversating again. Everytime i see her I want to slap her.

She divorced her husband to be with mine. They are no longer married. Kind of want to tell her mother what a whore she is though...


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 67 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I don't know what the right thing is for you to do.

If you both have been NC for over 6 months, it would normally be advised not to open up that contact. As it is said all the time here.... no contact = no new hurts.

But, for me, I couldn't control myself. To me, she had to be accountable to anyone I have the power to make her accountable to. She had to know that I knew and I was very sure to tell her what I thought. I scared her so badly, that for over 2 years now she has avoided my town altogether (used to be the only town she shopped in). She even changed schools because I threatened if I saw her I would out her to the "school's ethics board" (that wasn't a real thing, but she was too stupid to check into it, just left).

She was very much afraid, humiliated, and probably pretty broken down when I was done with her.

OW/xBFF had no husband (probably never will). So her mom was my first phone call. I think her mom was hurt, but she def ended up not liking me in the end because of all the outing I did of OW/xBFF.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
ellie1977
♀ New Member
Member # 38248
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, January 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm Ellie and just over 3 weeks ago I found out my husband had an affair with my cousin. She was living with us and I found out it lasted pretty close to the entire time she lived with us. She is no longer in the house. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. I'll probably be back to this thread just needed to get it out for now.


Me: BW 35 ~ almost 36
Him: WH 33~ almost 34
Married: 04/08/02
3 Kids
DD: Of PA and EA 12/31/12 knew before he admitted for 5 months
A: PA lasted 8 months EA lasted about 1 yr
OW: my cousin who was living with us the entire time of PA.
Hoping for R

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2013
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..((((ellie))))

..you have found a great site to learn and deal with this betrayal..

..there is plenty to read, just on this thread alone..

..yes, a double betrayal is very difficult to cope with.. the enemy in our midst, as opposed to the unknown faceless stranger.

..glad to hear she had left your home..hopefully with pavement scratches on her butt!

..it's going to take some serious time to grasp all that is ahead of you.... hang on...

read and post often.. it is theraputic to get it out on the boards here..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 66
Her 63
Married 41 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4018 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Postal1
♀ New Member
Member # 38431
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

11/26/2012 was Dday.Husband & daughter's best friend.20 yr, age diff.35 yr. marriage.3 children.34,33,31.They will never forgive him.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeez Postall....THAT is horrible.

Is the A over?

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3252 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm re-posting something I posted in the Betrayed Men- Part 9 Forum...I feel like it'll be more appropriate here. Somone told me my anger towards the POSOM was just proxy anger that is really aimed at my wife. I don't think I totally agree.

Here is the issue I run into. The POSOM, myself, and my WW were all friends for about 6 years prior to all this. He and I hung out, he came over to my house to watch games, have beers, etc., I'd have him get my son off the bus after school. In addition, since I married a tad young, I don't have too many married male friends (none, really). So this guy was the one I would talk to, vent about married life to, etc., since we were actually really good friends. I helped him acquire an apartment, and when his car got smashed in a windstorm, I convinced the landlord to cut him a break on that month's rent, and gave him rides to work. (This is all obviously pre-A) I always basically felt like he was a solid dude who just couldn't seem to get his shit together in life. So unlike some other POSOM, he knew me well enough to know that I was a good husband and father....so I don't give a shit what sob story my WW was telling him at the time, (I'm sure she was trapped in a loveless marriage she couldn't leave because of our child, blah....blah....blah...) he had enough evidence from our own experiences to KNOW that the picture she was painting was in-fucking-accurate. So while certainly she bears the brunt of the responsibility for it, due to our exchanging of vows and promises, this guy knew exactly what the fuck I was all about as a person.

Addition: If it were one of those situations where he didn't thoroughly know me, I'd say yeah, I'm just proxying, my wife was feeding him lies about myself and our marriage. But he was there to see it all and know it was bullshit. And he still did it.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facepunched:

Well, I don't know about everyone else, but I feel your anger towards him is FULLY justified and not just proxy anger for your WW.

My xBff/OW knew me since we were 2 years old. She basically lived in my home during the time of the A. She took care of my kids while I worked (and apparently took care of my fWH also). She knew I was a faithful wife, a good mother, and what kind of person I was inside and out. She knew me better than my fWH in some instances. And I, like you, chose to confide in her when I felt my fWH and I were struggling connecting and such.

I place full blame on her for these choices she made. I have a different anger for her than I do my fWH.

When two people who truly know you betray you, there are two different betrayals to deal with internally (I assume you have nothing to do with him anymore). I let xBFF/OW go a few months after dday. I knew there was no way I could (or wanted to) salvage both relationships. I chose my husband.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facepunched, I fully agree with Myheartstillhurt. It's not "proxy anger" towards your wife. This was a friend who take advantage of his relationship with you! He deserves your wrath.

I can understand how our marriage and actions towards each other led to the conditions of which my W strayed. It's not an excuse, nor do I accept any responsibility... but the relationship we had pre-A... I kinda get it.

But my alleged-friend? Like you, I did nothing-but-good by that man; there is no reason in the fucking world that should have led to his decision to fuck my wife, yet he actively chose to pursue her for years before finally sealing the deal. No random, by-chance, single drunken incident... but actively pursued, persuaded and snaked his way into her pants. All while pretending to be my friend. The fucker deserves castration by my rusty knife.

So rage away, if that's what you need now! You will eventually have to find acceptance of some sort, and make him a non-entity in your mind, but that will take some time, trust me... I'm still working on that part.

Take care.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, March 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my anger towards the POSOM was just proxy anger that is really aimed at my wife. I don't think I totally agree.

Nope. I'm with the others on this. Double betrayal is just that. Double.

LIke your WS...they also betray you. They know you...they manipulate you..they essentially engage in the same set of behaviors. You just aren't legally bound to them in marriage. Nothing about the anger toward a faux friend and their betrayal is "proxy". IMO


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2360 | Registered: Jan 2010
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, March 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoo, good to know that I'm not alone in feeling that my anger is justified towards the POSOM. I also feel like it's harder to let myself off the hook for the A, too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not at fault, they're both adults who made decisions...but when I think about all the times where I allowed the two to spend time together alone, or semi-alone in small groups, and all the information I shared with the POSOM, I get really upset with myself. It's like I allowed the conditions to exist, and then also gave them the tools with which to stab me repeatedly in the back. I basically gave POSOM the inside track on subverting my relationship. Again, WW holds 50% of the blame. My WW told me soon after DDay that POSOM would feel badly from time to time and express that. So FUCKING what? I can't believe that she didn't see it as the manipulation tactic that it was, he just said it so that she wouldn't think he was a terrible person with no morals....even though he clearly is. He could have told me ANY TIME he wanted to.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, March 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also feel like it's harder to let myself off the hook for the A, too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not at fault, they're both adults who made decisions...but when I think about all the times where I allowed the two to spend time together alone, or semi-alone in small groups, and all the information I shared with the POSOM, I get really upset with myself. It's like I allowed the conditions to exist, and then also gave them the tools with which to stab me repeatedly in the back.

I totally get ya on this. I too struggled with this. I mean, I let them spend the night with one another every weekend while I worked 3rd shift at a hospital. (she was watching my kids for "free" during the day while I slept but told me she could only do it if she could sleep on our couch because her drive was too long that early in the morning)

Of course I believed this, because she had been my best friend since we were two and I loved her like a sister.

So, I finally let myself off the hook for this. I had spent many evenings with his cousin (who is his best friend), unsupervised, never once crossed my mind to have a relationship with him. That is because I had good boundaries at that time.

Hindsight is 20/20. Would any of us ever allow our spouses to be allowed alone time with our friends again? Absolutely not. But, you cannot blame yourself for having faith and trust in your spouse and former friend. I mean, really, who would have ever thought right? You can only change the future, not the past.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Tiredofitall41
♀ New Member
Member # 38664
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, March 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad I found this thread. I too have been double betrayed. It was with a "friend" of over 10 years. Her daughter and my daughter are best friends. It's been 8 months since I found out. What is sad is that during the affair my husband was showing signs of distraught. He lost weight, became mean, and distant. She never wavered. I even told her about my husband's changing behavior and she was giving me advice. I cried to her and she felt so bad...Yea right... She is like a black widow. I blame them both but really wish she would've been a true friend. I am past the grieving stage and am now in the "I don't know if I want to be married stage." Some days are better than others and I want to try and some days I want to throw in the towel. I appreciate any advice.


D-Day 07/22/2012
Why do people really suck sometimes??

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2013
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tiredofitall:

I'm sorry you find yourself here. It's been 8 months so I have a few questions..

Are you still in contact with OW? Since your kids are best friends I wonder how that dynamic works?

Are you and your husband in IC and/or MC?

Does OW have a husband and does he also know about the A?

All affairs are extremely hard to deal with, but when two people we trust do this to us, there is a whole new level of complication to deal with.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Tiredofitall41
♀ New Member
Member # 38664
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myheartstillhurt...Here are my responses to your questions:

Are you still in contact with OW? Since your kids are best friends I wonder how that dynamic works? No. I don't contact her at all. The kids are still friends but we are not.
Are you and your husband in IC and/or MC? I went to counseling. He didn't.

Does OW have a husband and does he also know about the A? She does and he does. She cheated on him with his best friend 5+ years ago.
All affairs are extremely hard to deal with, but when two people we trust do this to us, there is a whole new level of complication to deal with. I just feel broken at times. I can't imagine being so selfish. They both didn't think of the children. They thought about themselves.
She really knew how to pick her prey. I could've been the psycho b from hell but instead I chose the high road. I didn't want our children to find out. It wasn't fair to ruin their relationship. They've been friends since they were 2. It's been very hard but I push through. Some days are better than others.

[This message edited by Tiredofitall41 at 9:28 AM, March 8th (Friday)]


D-Day 07/22/2012
Why do people really suck sometimes??

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2013
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand about the kids. OW/xBFF and I were friends since we were two. She was much more like a sister than a friend in my eyes (clearly not hers). My parents even moved her in when her parents faced a tragedy when we were teenagers.

I was there when her daughter was born and she was there for the births of all four of my children. Our 1st and 2nd daughters were very good friends with her daughter, but I could no longer have any contact. My two girls that were close to her were 8 and 7 at the time, so that might have been a bit easier. It took them awhile to quit asking where "Auntie" and their "cousin" were. It was a pretty awful time period.

Is your husband committed to reconciling and making things right? MC was a big tool for my H and I. Having someone put it in perspective to my H when OW/xBFF and him had done was very beneficial.

If he is transparent and remorseful, willing to do the work and willing to do WHATEVER it is to assist you heal, I can tell you it gets better. June 5th is my dday and this year will be the third year. Sadly, it has only been in the past 6-8 months that OW/xBFF has become less significant in my mind. I lashed out at her for a few months following dday and ruined anything I could for her. There was no high road path for me. But I continued to let her live in my life and marriage (in my mind) for another year and a half.

Are you still going to IC or no? If nothing else, it assist to help build you up for yourself. I continue to do IC, and when H and I feel we are having issues we go back to MC. It has only been about 3 months since the last time we went.

Also, do your kids hang out together where you have to see OW?


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Tiredofitall41
♀ New Member
Member # 38664
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, March 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myheart:

I am not around the OW very much only when I have to be. When I do have to see her at a sporting or school event, I do not hang out with her at all. I sit with other moms. She's still around though, and that is what is tough. I haven't seen her in months. Our kids are teenagers and best friends. I haven't told many people about this. Actually the people in our former circle don't have a clue because I don't want my daughter finding out. As far as my husband being transparent and remorseful..He is at times. I feel he should be kissing my A$$ more than he does. I feel he should be going above and beyond and he doesn't do that enough. We actually had it out this morning. I'm tired of him getting comfortable again. He needs to fight for me if he really wants me back. He needs to prove to me that he f'd up and if he wants it, he needs to come after it. We've been together for 25 years and married for almosst 18. We have a long history. I am willing to work things out but not on his terms any longer. It's going to be on mine for a while. It's time for me to be selfish now. I'm always putting everyone first, him, the kids, etc...Now it's time for me to be first. If he doesn't start showing me how worth it I am and being consistent, I don't see how this will work long term. We shall see. I'm sorry about your ex "friend" too. I wonder if they think it was all worth it now.

[This message edited by Tiredofitall41 at 10:24 AM, March 8th (Friday)]


D-Day 07/22/2012
Why do people really suck sometimes??

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2013
Lethealbegin
♀ Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think having two people deceiving us is a hard thing to deal with. I am still struggling with this. She was my good friend and she played mind games all the while sleeping with my husband. Always go with your gut. I new she was after him in 2006 but said no that is my friend she would not do that. I then would be mad at myself for thinking that. I even confronted her about it. She was no way would I ever do that to u or my kids or husband. Should of went with the gut and end the friendship. I was right so that makes me mad. I am finding it hard to get her out if my mind somedays. Does that happen to you? People think I should move on from her. But somedays I can not! Thank god she moved from across the street and took a 32,000 hit on her house. Her husband was acting crazy about the entire thing by blaming me for all the neighborhood gossip when it was her that started to confess to he so called friends. I still can not wrap my head around all the craziness.


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jul 2011
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Always go with your gut. I new she was after him in 2006 but said no that is my friend she would not do that. I then would be mad at myself for thinking that. I even confronted her about it. She was no way would I ever do that to u or my kids or husband. Should of went with the gut and end the friendship. I was right so that makes me mad.

This right here. I was the same way...I am naturally a really jealous person, so I tend to run my feelings of jealousy through a "rationality check filter" in my head before I ever say anything...basically, "Is this a real issue, or is this imagined by me?" Mu gut was screaming at me, and I was convincing myself that I was being dumb, that there's no way POSOM would do that to me, my family, my son.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Tiredofitall41
♀ New Member
Member # 38664
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, March 9th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My gut told me too! The gut is a POWERFUL tool. Before the A was uncovered, I confronted her and my husband separately. They, of course, denied it. Then when it came out she was caught with her tail between her overly used legs. (and other parts) She never wavered when she saw me as the A was taking place. She is a wonderful liar. It's really scary how she could listen to me cry about how my husband was changing before my eyes....but yet she wasn't. I mean she didn't waver at all. It makes me sick to think about what a DB she is. When she had an A with her husband's best friend, I never judged. That was my first mistake. I'll never make that mistake again!


D-Day 07/22/2012
Why do people really suck sometimes??

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2013
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