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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
LonelyHusband
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am interested to know whether anyone has forgiven a "friend" for this sort of behaviour.

lol. Just lol.

I'm going to vent a little here, so forgive me, and if you are of a sensitive nature, please skip this post.

Let's see. My "friend" started a business venture with me. He then manipulated himself onto a training course that my wife was taking, and promised to keep an eye on her for me. He then proceeded to start an affair with her whilst on the training course. He then lied to everyone about it, andgaslighted one of my friends to the point where he is in counselling. He then mouthed off to me when I caught them kissing. He then took the affair undergound with her, whilst making protestations of innnocence. He sent her flowers to her workplace, and a love better begging her to leave me, which he tried to route through her mother to avoid me finding out. He listened and watched whilst I became suicidal, all the while trying to take my wife.

I spent several years being trained to extinguish life. I was also taught the values of honour and loyalty. Forgive him? Not a fucking chance. Every day for the past 9.5 months that he has woken up without being duct taped to his bed, covered in petrol and on fire is a blessing that he has received only because of my self control. That's not venting. I very seriously considered it on one night when I couldn't decide between killing myself and killing him, and settled for standing in a forest screaming for a while.

i have spent 9.5 months avoiding him. The first 6 were because I figured it would just hurt too much, and reduce me to a wreck. However, at 6 months the anger hit. Balls to the wall out of control fury and military training are not a condusive combination for peace and quiet, so I have avoided him for the last few months because I figure if I actually see his smug, self righteous face, I might just lose that self control I am proud of.

I strive to not give a fuck about him. That's my ideal. Or even to look at him as the pitiful excuse for a human being he really is. Deep down I understand that, and a part of me has forgiven him because I recognise how damaged he is. That doesn't mean, however, that I want to ever hear his voice or see his face again.

He was supposed to be a friend, supposed to be loyal. He betrayed my friendship, and actually my wife's friendship. I may one day completely forgive me, but I will never think of him as anything less that dirt.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 4:35 AM, August 23rd (Thursday)]


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1279 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
aloveforever
♀ New Member
Member # 36470
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonleyhusband, I recently just joined and this was the first ICR topic I looked at and I am at the point now as well as wanting to bash this woman who was I thought " my best friend" it trusted this skank with my children! Nothing but white trash!!! I just want to beat the shit out of something or someone!! I gave my life heart and soul to my H and to get dumped on by the 2 people I trusted! Makes me sick


BS(me) 26
WH (32)
Children 6, 5, 1 year
M 7 years
DDay 12/2011
Reconciling and recovering

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012
whatnow8
♀ Member
Member # 36576
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, August 24th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After I found out about the A I started to isolate myself from everyone and everything. I only told one friend about his A's. To this day she's my only really good friend.
When I found out we were already in the process of buying a house in a new city. Since we moved here I still can't seem to trust anyone and make any really close friends. Anytime I hit it off with someone and conversation goes beyond the weather and other fairly superficial things I start finding reasons to not call or get together.
Is anyone else going thru that?


wtf?? How insane does your life have to get that you want to polygraph your freaking HUSBAND. ~ OldCow18

It's hard to make a decision when you're too tired to hold on and too in love to let go. ~ unknown


Posts: 175 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest
GreenMom
♀ Member
Member # 36385
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A month out from D-Day I am finally allowing myself to go out and about in places I know OW/fomer friend goes. I refuse to let my dislike of her keep me from going wherever I want, whenever I want.

I will never forgive, but I hope someday to forget her. In the mean time, I will just ignore her if I see her. I've done nothing wrong so I am done hiding.


DD#1 6/14/12
DD#2 7/29/12
Reconcilation attempt didn't last long...WH moved out 8/10/12
Divorcing... hoping to be done soon
Making a fantastic NB for myself and my family!

Posts: 535 | Registered: Aug 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am interested to know whether anyone has forgiven a "friend" for this sort of behaviour.

FUCK NO

The OW in our sitch was our friend. She decided she wanted to D her husband, but has never worked an adult day in her life and needed a new relationship to go to once she left her BS. It backfired on her, she might have been a piece of ass....but she failed to realize that she is also a piece of shit. She devastated her family, rewrote her family history and thought she could do the same to mine. I would step over her body if I ever found her bleeding in the street because that's what she did to me.

I am thrilled her life is a complete shitshow now and everyone she fucked has found happiness.....Karma happens and it ain't pretty.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
broken66
♀ Member
Member # 31918
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am interested to know whether anyone has forgiven a "friend" for this sort of behaviour.

Hell no and never never will. She did her share in ruining my life as I knew it. I dont have "friends" any more as I trust no one. They are all just people I used to know......sad really


D/D 15/04/2011
BS 45 (Oh and so very youthfull)
WS 52
2 kids Son-15, Daughter-12
Married 24 years, Together nearly 30
Husband + Best Friend = PAIN

Posts: 53 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Australia
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something I am learning as time passes is that forgiveness is not for "them", it is really for us..

The only one locked up in a torturous cell over the former "friends" are those who allow them to live in their head (rent free might I add) and continue the turmoil, the pain, the heartache, the hatred, and the bitterness.

Believe me, I have not reached the point of forgiveness, but my heart is open to it. OW/xBFF did a real number on me after 28 yrs of "sisterhood". I do not believe she deserves forgiveness, however, I more than deserve the freedom that it will give.

So, I am open to it. I doubt I will ever want to let her know I am "forgiving" her if that day ever comes, but I suppose I can never say never.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My goal is only to eventually be indifferent, or to let go of the pain, for the MOM... but I already know I'll never 'forgive'. He's a predatory piece of shit, with a womanizing history that I never knew about in the 10+ years we were friends. He absolutely targeted my wife, worked on her for years, until she was at just the right point of vulnerability. No accountability taken away from her, not one bit, but in hindsight, it's obvious to everyone who is aware of the situation what a piece of shit he is.

The latest comment, after I told a mutual friend what happened, was "Wow, I always suspected he'd done something like that, but never thought he'd be stupid enough to target your wife". Anyway, I digress... Fuck no on the forgiveness part.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anytime I hit it off with someone and conversation goes beyond the weather and other fairly superficial things I start finding reasons to not call or get together.
Is anyone else going thru that?

Yes.

About 1.5 years ago I worked with a woman who I totally hit it off with. We have tons in common and i could easily see her becoming my best friend. I struggle, though, with not being able to trust anyone, and it is so unfair to them because only 2 people betrayed me.

I have to push through it, to be honest. If I feel like withdrawing, I take it as a cue to call or text her. So, our friendship is evolving, but more slowly than I would have in the past.

As for forgiving the MOW, no way. She is unremorseful. I was trying fo indifference, but now am working toward what aesir described as "an effortless hate. Kind of like the way you hate an evil historical figure." (I am paraphrasing what he wrote, but it was bang on. But basically I just want my feelings for her to have no bearing on my life.)


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1683 | Registered: Nov 2010
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lately, I've been having dreams about MOM (my ex-very good friend), where I'm not hostile, and wanting to tear his face off. More like the "good 'ol days" when were all still friends, and laughed and hung out together. Very strange, because before these started about a week or two ago, any dream where MOM was in, it would always turn hostile, and I'd wake up all triggered, pissed off, and hating going to work more than ever.

Anyone else experience this??


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
whatnow8
♀ Member
Member # 36576
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lately, I've been having dreams about MOM (my ex-very good friend), where I'm not hostile, and wanting to tear his face off. More like the "good 'ol days" when were all still friends, and laughed and hung out together. Very strange, because before these started about a week or two ago, any dream where MOM was in, it would always turn hostile, and I'd wake up all triggered, pissed off, and hating going to work more than ever.
Anyone else experience this??

Yes and no. My nightmares just started again a few weeks ago. Saturday I had one that felt so incredibly real. My H was moving our boys downstairs into another room, and moving the whore into the room right next to ours. I woke up and


wtf?? How insane does your life have to get that you want to polygraph your freaking HUSBAND. ~ OldCow18

It's hard to make a decision when you're too tired to hold on and too in love to let go. ~ unknown


Posts: 175 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just have to share this little experience, from last week. At work, I always use the stairs in our building, never the elevator. I was coming up the stairs, opened the door and nearly ran right into MOM. This is the closest I've physically been to him in nearly 6 months. It happened so fast and sudden... I barely had even recognized who it was before we passed each other... but my physical reaction?? My arm started to cock as to punch him. My brain had just hit "recognition" and my body wanted to start to take action immediately. Fortunately, I restrained the reflex to jack him.

I guess all those many, many months of pounding on my heavy bag, picturing him, has created a nice muscle memory reflex...


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DWBH

Good for you resisting the urge to flatten MOM. I think we all dream of ways we'd like to cause physical pain to our former friends who have betrayed us, but its probably best not to follow through as satisfying as it would be at the time. Just remember they are lower than low, they are scum and not worth bruising your knuckles on.

Your other question about dreams. I have had a few where the former friend/OW was in them and things were just like they used to be when we were friends and hanging out. Sad really. I guess my subconscious still remembers the good times we had before WH and her decided to stab me in the back.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Dancetilldawn
♀ New Member
Member # 36980
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a thread on triple betrayal? 2 out of the 5 were doubles, being friends of ours, and me doing favors for them.This one takes the triple award. My WH moved OW#5 into our house to caretake the property while we moved overseas for his job. I think she thought that telling me about the A would make me leave him and she could have my family for herself. My kids liked her a lot. I did tell her to leave, but it took 2 months to get all her shit out! My mom had to deal with it. Oh, and she did leave momentos for me. Nothing like feeling violated in your own house!

BTW- BS said she came on to him once.
She did tell me that my FIL was coming on to her now that my WH was gone. CRAZY!


BS 42 WH 45
BD 15 BS 18
D day #1 2/14/12
D day #2 5/17/12
married 18 years
At least 5 OW over 10 years
I am dedicated to my family, always have
been. I did not deserve this!

Posts: 33 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: EU
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dancetildawn

Yup, I'm in the same boat as you. Two of WH's OW were close friends of ours.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, October 4th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Dancetilldawn))

I totally understand that feeling (when they leave stuff behind)

We moved OW/xBFF in with us on more than one occassion in our 10 years of marriage. The A started in lucky number 7 year of the marriage..

Her and I had been losing weight together, so she was giving me a lot of her clothes. I'm sure it brought her great joy that she was smaller than me and that when H looked at me he saw her clothes on me.

We threw away every picture of her, every thing she ever bought for us or the kids, over $1000 worth of her stuff I would say got tossed right into the dump.

But she stayed every weekend at our house for over a year while I worked weekends only night shift. Nothing like letting them spend the night together every single weekend.

I couldn't stay in that house anymore. Let it go back to the bank and we are in a new house. As we packed the old house up, I came across things that she "hid", I can only imagine so I would find them someday. Panties in particular..

Then, after we moved, came across another pair of panties that I accidentally packed into a box with one of my daughters. I felt violated all over again since I was in my new house supposed to be free of her.

Recently, came across hundreds of pictures of her on the ipod that H and I never thought to wipe clean of the memory. That day sucked too, but he handled it well.

I'm sure having more than one OW be a friend is hard. I have not had to deal with that and pray I never do.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Dancetilldawn
♀ New Member
Member # 36980
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, October 4th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((StillHurt))I was just thinking today that I should start a knew topic in I can relate and ask who on SI has to deal with WS having A,s in their house.
One of the things that really bothered me was, she left her feminine wash in my shower. I can,t stand the smell of her kind!

I also ended up taking good care of her horses for a week. I was worried she might do something crazy if I flipped out on her. I was so f...ing polite it made me sick. She actually thanked me for being so understanding. What does one say to that?


BS 42 WH 45
BD 15 BS 18
D day #1 2/14/12
D day #2 5/17/12
married 18 years
At least 5 OW over 10 years
I am dedicated to my family, always have
been. I did not deserve this!

Posts: 33 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: EU
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am interested to know whether anyone has forgiven a "friend" for this sort of behaviour.

Yes.

OW 6 was then and remains a good friend. The 'A' was a brief afternoon encounter when she was desperately needing comforted after learning she was infertile. This was about 20 years ago but having only learned about it 3 years ago, I can still get angry about it, but more about the sheer stupidity of WH. I get that it - the act -reaffirmed her feminity on a difficult day, what I don't get is how the underlying envy of me, which was apparent in this act, found this to be in any way anything other than self-destructive, BUT she has always been sexually quite ...hmmm... 'liberated'.

Other people don't understand my tolerance and continuing close friendship with her and it makes me question myself. But she is deeply remorseful and, apart from this matter, always been a very close and supportive friend.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
dovetool
♀ Member
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart feels so broken. I knew there was another person back in 12/2011. But I just found out the affair was sexual and three years long and with someone that was a friend of mine in our town. Her and my son were best friends from pre-k to 2nd grade.... it just kills me sometimes. Havent confronted her. Dont know what to say.


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 67 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dove,

Are you and your WH both NC with the OW?

In most cases of double betrayal, you have to eliminate them from your life altogether. I think there are a few stories in where someone might have forgave their friend and continued a friendship, but I think its pretty rare.

Unlike you, I had too much to say to OW/xBFF and kept in contact with her for 2 months following dday. I called her every name in the book, told all our mutual friends, outed her to her parents since she will most likely never be married, borderline harassed her via text message. I wanted her to know how badly she had hurt me and I wanted everyone else to know what a piece of garbage she was.

But, there did come a point where I realized I was only showing her that she succeeded in her quest to ruin my life by doing those things. So I have been NC with her for a little over 2 years now.

You may need to tell her you know and how you feel and to stay away from you and your WH. You could also out the affair to her husband if she is married.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
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