Honey, so sorry you are here. What a horrible situation to be in. You must still be in shock.
As you H is now living with your sister I take it the rest of your family knows what's going on. Do you have their support or any one else IRL you can turn to? Are you seeing an IC?
Take care of yourself and your son. I don't have any words of wisdom but know you've been heard and I'm sending you hugs and strength.
[This message edited by Notmetoo2011 at 9:09 AM, February 2nd (Thursday)]
..a sister yet..
..for what it's worth, i'm 65 and see things thru old eyes..
..i 'see' a sister who, at 16, 17, even 18.. as being so still a 'child' in terms of any real measure of maturity.. wanting what 'older sister' had..
..she is in teenager fog fantasy and will be there for a few years yet..
..she really doesn't have a clue what the hell she's doing with her life.. not looking past the end of her nose..
..her infatuation with big sis's WH may fizzle out sooner than you think.. and he'll come wimpering home with his credibilty and honour down the toilet!
..keep your chin up!
I am so sorry.
In January of 2011 he was diagnosed as being borderline personality disorder. We learned that basically the way he sees things is he tries to surround himself with people or events that will confirm to him that he is a bad person because that is how he sees himself. And that when he knows someone is healthy for him or someone truely loves him then he will do all he can to destroy that since it is too scary to handle the unknown. If not for the diagnoses I would be gone. But I also suffer from mental illness (post Tramatic Stress Disorder from a rape, Bipolar - low scale, agoraphobia and anxiety/panic disorder). If I expect him to accept me with my mentle health issues then I sould stand by him as he tries to over come his.
All on his own last week he quit the job he works at where he worked with the other woman. He then went out and bought a wedding ring to wear on his finger. All his choices. He says that this will remind him that he is taken and show other women that as well. He has also be talking more and listening more and has been b\very concerned about how I am feeling both physcially and mentally.
I don't know why I am posting other then I feel very alone right now, very stressed and very scared. I know I love him. As long as he wants to try then so do I. I know what it is like to be udge and deserted by people you trusted when they learn about your mental illness. I just don't know what else to do. I just feel lost and alone.
I don't know why it's taken me so long to post here, but I've been feeling a real need to lately, especially in light of some things I've learned in the last few days.
My H's A was really more of a triple betrayal with my neighbors. Both OW and OWH had been suggesting swapping and/or group sex for a couple of months, but I wasn't interested and I believed my H wasn't either.
One night after the 4 of us went out for a double date (a mutual friend's birthday party), we came back to my house to have a few more drinks. However, all night both OW and OWH had been really pushing the foursome idea, and I thought the best way to address it was to avoid it, so I played possum and pretended I passed out in bed. I was completely conscious as OW ran her hands over me while OWH watched, grabbing my breasts and putting her hands down my underwear. I continued to pretend I was too drunk to respond, she got bored or discouraged, and she and OWH went into the living room where my H was. *This event is something I have only recently admitted to my H. He didn't know about this, and I never shared it because the degree of shame and violation I feel surrounding this is extremely difficult for me. When I told him, he sobbed for about 5 minutes, and then he launched into a rage unlike anything I've ever seen. I thought he was going to kill them.* When OW and OWH went into the living room my H says the following happened: they told him they were horny, started having sex, and fWH watched. Then OWH took OW and "gave" her to fWH and he had sex with her. I have to live with the knowledge that I very likely heard her having sex with my H, thinking it was "only" OW and OWH. The next morning, I asked fWH what happened, and he admitted to only watching them have sex. I believed him, and unknowingly opened the door to the A.
Over the next couple of months, OWH set up several threesomes, telling my H that I was obviously not a good wife for not understanding that a man needed more than one sexual partner. OWH convinced my H that it was natural to have sex with OW. For whatever reason, fWH believed that shit.
In the next few weeks, OW decided she wanted fWH to herself and started sleeping with just him. OWH knew about this, but was fine with it as long as OW promised not to grow attached to fWH. However, fWH and OW began to think they were in love, and control-freak OWH realized he needed to end it. OWH told me about the A on D-Day, leaving out all the parts about his role in the A. As soon as I confronted fWH, we both went NC with both of them.
I think OW and OWH are sick sociopaths, and I am fairly certain we are not the first M they messed with (although they both swore they had never done anything like that with anyone else). I am not only dealing with the betrayal by my H, but the deep, deep shame and disgust I feel about what OW and OWH tried to do to me, and that I had an opportunity to stop it in its tracks and didn't.
I think I just needed to get this story off my chest - it's weighed heavily on me and is just one more obstacle in a very difficult R.
My WH also had several threesomes with a couple we were friends with. It was initially solicited by the other couple then turned into a brief A with just the wife. This happened probably 10 years ago (I did not find out about it until D Day).
He followed this with two LTAs both with so called "friends". I had a similar experience to you in that one of these women tried to convince me to have sex with her husband one night when we had been drinking. She came on to me first, tried to kiss me and convince me to let her do certain things to me that I really didn't want any part of. At the time I thought she was a friend and I didn't want to offend her (stupid me), so I told her nicely, "no" I wasn't into that and I didn't want to spoil our friendship by doing something stupid that I would later regret. Turns out she was already screwing my husband and maybe thought it would alleviate some of her guilt if she could get me to sleep with her H ( he knew nothing of their A). This couple has since divorced. She doesn't know I know. (this all happened about 8 years ago). I haven't seen her since DDay but she still thinks we are friends. I haven't felt up to a confrontation until recently, but I'm starting to feel stronger lately so that time is coming.
My brother has buried his head in the sand since I told him about his WW. And SIL is denying everything and only admitting to "kissing" an OM.
I was away at training for 2 months when all of this happened. Phone records showed WW and SIL "texting" each other a total of 11 times the month prior to my leaving. Two weeks after I was gone, WW and SIL started talking more than WW and I talked. They texted hundreds of times. Almost everytime I got off the phone w/ WW, she was on the horn to SIL. SIL's M w/ my brother was already on the rocks and I warned my WW to not let their problems rub off on us. Should've fkin listened, WW.
I can't believe WW chose to be loyal to OM and SIL over me. If that isn't a double betrayal then I don't know what is. And to top it all off, I was talking w/ SIL the whole time who insisted that she said nothing but good things about me and my M to WW. I even confided in her when WW confessed to the PA. She acted so sincere and upset that she has been given the "Liar of the Year" award. Fkin b*tch
Today is the birthday of my 8 year old niece. My brother has the balls to tell me that SIL doesn't want their kids around me/WW. WTF? What is wrong with people?
Working on myself through IC, NA meetings, intensive outpatient program, and lots of digging. Praying for R.
That is so terrible. I am very sorry for the pain you must be in. Did your husband leave?
All of us in this thread can relate to the double betrayal part. I am so sorry you are dealing with a pregnancy as well. Was she with any other people at that time? If yes, then a paternity test should be done when the baby is born to ensure it is your husbands. These woman who cheat with married men, tend to be screwing lots of people (at least my xBFF was)
I know too well that howling pain, the agony. It does get better with time, which is really no help right now, I know. I am sorry for that. Make sure you try to treat yourself good.
Whether you and your husband reconcile or not, you still could very much end up being a mom.
Being able to trust is really hard right now. Your husband has betrayed you.. hard to trust him or men for that matter. Your xBFF has betrayed you... hard to trust any friend or woman.. I get it. Almost 2 years out and I still find myself pretty distant. But it isn't all terrible.
You WILL survive, so many people do. It is hard work to go through this pain, but when you do you will come out stronger. There is also an OC (other child) thread here in ICR (I can relate). You can also reach out there to others who have been in your same predicament as far as the OW being pregnant.
I'm so sorry you found yourself here, but you are with some of the strongest people in the WORLD. I truly believe that.
..do not ever measure YOUR value by the poor and selfish choices other ppl make.
..those that would betray us, seem to do it blindly, and don't see the cruelty that their actions inflict until it is too late.
.. how often have we heard, "i never meant to hurt you!"..
.."we never meant for it to happen!"..
..this is a horrible event in our lives and, for me 3 years out, it still 'kills me inside' every day
..time to draw upon your inner strength and all of your core values.. go on survival mode ..pull on the big girl pants!!
..and show these two ppl just who they're dealing with!
..take your time to get your feet steady..speak to your doctor,(tests), lawyer,(rights) and a good friend for moral support.
( i find it so difficult to even say the word 'friend'
without choaking )
..be good to yourself.. stay nourished and watered..
..sleep may be an issue.. doc can help with meds..
..so sorry you've been put here but glad you found us.. many will come to help in all the different forums..
..check the healing library too..
So sorry you are here. It is a heartbreaking position to be in when you are betrayed by both your spouse and BFF. It really makes you wonder what is wrong with these people that they can so callously toss us aside while they satisfy their own selfish wants.
First and foremost, you must take care of yourself especially as you are recovering from surgery. It's good you have some support IRL from your family and friends. Lean on them when you need to. Read up on some articles in the Healing Library. As hard as it may be implement the 180 with your H. Show him how strong you are.
I know you desperately want a baby. Don't think he is your only hope of that happening. Women are having babies into their 40's all the time, so you still have plenty of years left for that.
You have no cause to feel embarrassed or ashamed. Your H and xBFF are the ones who should hang their heads in shame. Stand tall, hold your head up and show them how strong you are.
Find a good counsellor to help you, talk to your doctor and hang in there honey. There are lots of us out here who know how you are feeling. Sending you hugs.
My story is in my profile, but basically my fWW's A was with a VERY good friend of mine. The OM's W was her very good friend, going back 16 years.
One thing that hit me especially hard this morning... My fWW told me about how she felt during the A... how the OM "chose" her over his own W... like she had "won" his attention and preference. All this while she was still 'good friends' with her. Yes, very fucked up...
As I was walking through the parking lot at work this morning, and triggering as always, seeing the OM's car (I work with him still, unfortunately)... the thought occurred that he likely had the same thoughts. That my wife 'chose' him over me (at the time... we're R'ing). That he'd "beat" me. It was an infuriating thought, and it already takes constant self-restraint to keep from beating him to death, on a daily basis.
I've seen other threads, asking the question whether it's better or worse knowing the AP... but anyone who has to ask that has no idea how bad the double betrayal is...
Sorry you find yourself here. It truly is heartbreaking to discover that not only our spouses thought nothing of betraying us, but supposed "friends" too.
My fWH is a SA and has had many As. Two of his As we're with the wives of couples we were good friends with. The BHs were probably two of his closest friends. Go figure. I was totally unsuspecting and totally trusting. I never dreamt he would cheat on me, he was always telling me how much he loved me, blah,blah,blah. I also never dreamt a friend would betray me by sleeping with my husband even if the opportunity presented itself. How stupid and naive I was, because not just one friend, but two had no problem doing just that. I should add that fWH had three other "flings" with employees who also knew me (two were while I was pregnant or on maternity leave.)
It must be incredibly hard for you to still work with OM. I don't think I could handle that.
What you said about your wife feeling "she had won" by getting OM to chose her over his wife is I think the key to how so many of these OW/WW feel. There are a lot of very competitive women out there who seem to feel that stealing a man from another woman is 'one up' for them. It's like they have a need to put someone else down to make themselves feel better about themselves. I apparently have been unfortunate in finding myself living in an area where there are a lot of these type of back stabbing, catty, bitches who have no integrity and do not know the meaning of true friendship.
I don't know that I will ever fully trust anyone again. Certainly not my fWH ( who I thought was my best friend and soul mate), and not even female friends. It's sad.
There are a lot of very competitive women out there who seem to feel that stealing a man from another woman is 'one up' for them. It's like they have a need to put someone else down to make themselves feel better about themselves.
I don't think it's limited to just women... men are so competitive by nature. In my case, the OM is short... about half a foot shorter than me. I'm quite sure there was a bit of the Napoleon complex going on...