OW2 was one of my BFFs....until she decided that she wanted to make out with FWH IN MY HOUSE.
After dday, they took the affair (never sexual...but only cuz I caught em), underground with secret email addresses.
Worst part.....DUDE.....I forgave her for the initial encounter after dday and I found out about OW1 (which was a full blown LTA). She gushed about how grateful she was for my forgiveness....while emailing him behind my back for weeks.
Needless to say, I told the b*tch off and haven't talked to her again.
[This message edited by frazandme at 3:02 PM, October 10th (Monday)]
It sounds like you and I were married to the same man. My stbxh had 5 year affair with my best friend and nextdoor neighbour plus at least one other PA. Of course he told them they were the most important thing in his life and I was nothing. He even allowed my FBF to think that they were on a 10 year plan at the end of which they would both walk off into the sunset with me kicked to the kerb. Of course he was NEVER going to follow through with that. OW1 (my FBF) now realises that and is out for revenge. I just need to sit back and watch the fireworks! He tried to latch onto many of my friends as well (I am now finding this out), all these women who were fragile, in unhappy relationships themselves and their H's were placid men, his close friends also. He chose with precision it seems now I am standing back and looking at it more objectively. Extremely predatory behaviour.
I am almost a year past D-day, I see it has been 2 years for you. I cannot get past the level of betrayal and there are other factors involved which is why I have decided to end our marriage. 25 years down the drain. I have beautiful kids, they keep me going. This betrayal of people who I loved is the most devasting aspect of the whole thing. The sex is almost secondary.
I don't know what the answer is, in learning to trust again, just time I guess.
I'm pleased you are trying to reconcile, hopefully your FWH understands just how deeply this has affected you. Keep posting here for support. I keep getting told it gets better and I have faith it will. Just unbelievable how low some people will go to satisfy their own needs and egos.
Be thankful you are not one of those people and go about your life with your head held high.
My story isn't as heart breaking, but I do UNDERSTAND the hurt, pain, humiliation, etc.
My roommate who over the years became my so called "best friend" had slept w my ex boyfriend when we had broken up for 3 months. This was 4 years ago, but I recently found out. I was crushed. My bff and bf had slept together and never told me? Ouch!
I felt so betrayed and HUMILIATED that I considered my bff and considered her like family. It makes me sick that she knew EVERYTHING about me. How could she not have felt bad? What hurts the most is that she is happily married w/a daughter.... And well I'm here to pick up the mess they did 4 years ago.
I thought there was a line a friend just doesn't cross with a boyfriend or ex (even when we had broken up I still talked about him and how I missed him.) She knew I still cared for him. I remember crying at dinner once that I missed him so bad and didn't finish eating. It just makes me wonder if she had already slept w/him....if not then Wth would she?!?
Just hurts me that over those 4 years us three would hang out all the time, when she started dating we would go on double dates, we would have gno. How could she look at me, look at me and him kiss, hug, etc. ?
I'm sad that I was going along my plan: college, date "the one", purchase a house, and get married. Everything was going great until by bf told me about them hooking up. I felt my heart was ripped out, thrown on the floor, stomped on, etc. I felt two people dies at the same time.
I have posted a thread about this and I get the whole "we weren't together thing". Sad to say I expect this from a guy, but a friend? Really? Me and him WERE broken up, but OUR friendship wasn't.
It just breaks my heart that the love of my life, soon to be husband (he had already purchased the ring), father of my children, was in her. It just devastates me. We made love, were passionate, and to think he just f*****d her? Wow.
I'm not worried that he liked her. She confirmed she had asked him if he had feelings for her. That infuriated me! Bitch!!! Why would you ask him that? Did you have feelings for him :'(
She told me he told her "No, he doesn't feel anything for her and I was his love of his life" She said her thoughts were distorted back then. Um, you think?! :(
Im trying to focus on what HE did now not what SHE did, because I have to learn she was never a true friend and she is dead to me now. Him on the other hand....like many "I can't believe he did that"
We never had a trust issue, we had a good relationship, just had a fall out back then. He was free to do whatever he wanted....., but chose the wrong person.
I'm just wondering if any of you confronted the OW if you found out about the A a long time after it was over.
My FWH had a series of As, several of which were with women I thought were friends. The most recent one (with a supposed friend) ended a year ago. She knows I know. I haven't seen her since D-Day and I hope I never lay eyes on her again. We used to socialize as couples with our H but I never felt that close to her. She always seemed stand offish (makes sense now that I know what she was doing behind my back). The one before that I considered a good friend. She was a neighbor and two of our children were inseparable for years. She was in my house most days and we went away together as families. She has since moved to a different neighborhood and has split from her husband (who was one of my FWH best friends). The A with my FWH ended about 9 years ago. Her XH does not know about it and she doesn't know that I now know.
We haven't seen each other much for the last couple of years but we do occasionally see each other. She organized a group get together with her new BF about a month before D day. As usual she was acting like she considered me a great friend and kept going on about how we should get together more often as she missed the old days when the kids were young and we hung out all the time.
Chances are I will run into her sooner or later. Her son goes to the same HS as one of my kids and it's parent teacher night tonight. I don't know how I will react if I see her and she bounces over all smiles. I'm sure she thinks she's got away with it and I would never find out. I keep imagining what I will say to wipe that smile off her face. I'd like to see her crumple into a snivelling heap on the floor but that will probably be me not her.
I feel I will have to say something but I'm worried I'll either lose my cool or fall apart when it happens.
Sorry, I've really rambled on here. This is just bugging me alot lately.
I feel I will have to say something but I'm worried I'll either lose my cool or fall apart when it happens.
I haven't confronted the OW for these reasons. I don't know that I would be able to control myself.
Recently WH and I did not go to a group party to avoid any situations that could arise. It really didn't seem worth it and I don't have bail money
Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August
I definitely think you need to let her know that you know. Why should she get away with such a disgusting betrayal even though it was years ago. She may well have slept with other married men since then and betrayed several other friends for all you know so you will be doing them and you a favour by pulling her up on it and doing so when she is offguard. Shock tactics need to come into play with people like her I'm afraid. She is a bitch.
I am not suggesting you slap her in the face when you bump into her but I do think you need to say something. If you feel you will get too emotional which you most definitely will having been so hurt then this is what I would do.
Have a letter in your handbag ready. If and when she bounces up to you, say absolutely NOTHING. Simpy hand her the letter, stare her straight in the eye and then walk swiftly away. This in itself will catch her offguard and puzzle her greatly seeing as she will now be totally cocksure she has got away with it. You can keep the letter fairly short and to the point with no Dear so and so or anything, saying something like:
I am now painfully aware of the disgusting level of betrayal and disrespect that both you and H showed to me several years ago. You have also had the privilege to continue to enjoy my company and that of my family in the years since whilst wearing a smile on your face, with obvious total disregard for your behaviour or the possible impact on my family.
As you will be aware having known me for many years, I am a woman of considerable class and dignity. That is why you are not lying beneath my feet right now with no teeth left in your head. Nevertheless, I am now putting you on notice that if you ever approach me or any other member of my family again particularly with a smile on your face, then I will be forced to show you the true consequences of your appalling view of friendship.
Above is just a suggestion. Let us know if you do confront and how you are feeling.
I haven't been on here for a couple of weeks, just didn't have time lately.
I loved your suggestion for dealing with the OW if I run into her. I think a letter is a great idea. She wasn't at parent teacher night so I got through that okay. I'm going to write something similar to what you suggested and keep it on me, that way I can deal with her even if one of my kids are with me.
I'm glad you are preparing yourself just in case. It is always tricky when the kids are around, not good for them witness a slanging match. Having given you advice on what to write in that letter, I now realise that I ought to write something similar myself for next time I bump into FBFF and next door neighbour.
What a bunch of low lifes these people are!
I am a victim of DB too. I have shared my story with many who have always have a double betrayal.
I don't come into this thread often, but I am here for anyone dealing with this. The OW was my BFF/"sister" for our entire childhood and young adulthood. I have now been without her for 17 months..
Finding out who she really was might have saved me another 30 years of heartache..
((hugs)) to you all.
This is the most painful thread for me, out of the other threads I belong to on SI (including Divorce/Separation). I don't post often here because of the intense pain it brings but it is probably the one I should be on most
Anyway, I'm triggered today to come here to let off steam due to bumping into a relative of the poor BH of my FBF and neighbour. She approached me in tears and then proceeded to tell me that there was "so much more than I didn't know". I stopped her short. I know she means well but really I have had enough. Of course by the time I got home, I'm down in that great pit of depression again when I thought I was doing so well. I feel I am one year into a life sentence because of the level of betrayal. Don't know what the answer is except of course to leave the country so that i don't have to ever bump into these people again, which is impossible whilst my youngest still needs me.
Anyway, onwards and forwards as they say.
Prayers and hugs to everyone going through this.
I hope you are feeling better today. I know what you mean about "the pit of depression". It doesn't take much to send me careening over the edge into it these days, even on good days.
I too feel like I am dealing with a life sentence. I know I will never be the same again. That's one of the reasons why I am constantly questioning my decision to try and R with my FWH. I wonder if I am just prolonging the misery. I can't imagine ever trusting him again . He fooled me for so long I'll always be suspicious of him now even if he isn't doing anything wrong.
If I'm honest , I think I'm frightened of the prospect of S or D and what that would mean to my life. (I am tied to him in so many ways. I gave up my career to go and work with him so we could income split and i could work parttime when the kids were litle. I haven't worked for anyone but him in 22 years)
I hate to think that this is all I have to look forward to - never trusting and always being suspicious about where and who he's with and what he's doing.
Hugs to you Ellejay and everyone else out there living this nightmare.
I too gave up my career to help him in our business and to "income split" at his suggestion . It was only 3 years ago but still, he encouraged me to do so "for us and our future" and he wanted me to be in a position to only be working part-time once our youngest started high school. At the same time he was also telling OW next door that everything he was doing was for her and him and that I was nothing in the scheme of his future plans. I think he was just telling her what she wanted to hear and really had to intention of carrying through with any of it but still......a lousy thing for him to be putting out there and just another example of his total disrespect for me. He is the sole director of the company but we always considered ourselves partners. Immediately after D-Day he started relating to me as if I was just an "employee", sending me emails with dot points setting out what I had to do next. When I went to see him a few days after D Day to talk, he got out his leather-bound conference pad with the intent to take notes I presume . He then sent me an email threatening to "terminate" me if I did anything detrimental to the business. I had not threatened to do anything of the sort at that stage but I guess he was panicking, the stupid man. Anyway, he apologised afterwards but it left me reeling. I felt like telling him to stick his job up his a--e and just walk away but I was stuck with a huge mortgage and bills to pay. I am still working in the business but from home and have very little to do with him. I do this because it suits me whilst I am going through this transition. It kills me though and in the New Year I will be looking elsewhere.
Don't let fear stop you from gaining a life of self-respect if that is what is stopping you from ending things. Yes, it is scary, terrifying in fact but once the dust clears, a path starts to become visible. Only you will know if you will be able to work through this without hating him every day of your life. It will take time though.
Myheart and others......big hugs.
I feel I am one year into a life sentence because of the level of betrayal.
You have said the words I have been trying to find for 18 months now. This really does feel like a life sentence BECAUSE of the level of betrayal. That is such a perfect way to put it.
I know the people on these boards are dying with pain. All of us have pain and it IS SO REAL. However, I just can't help but feel when someone SO FREAKING close to us does with with out husbands that the pain is so much more difficult. It become MULTIPLE layers of pain and difficulty because now we have two betrayals to deal with instead of one.
And, of course, someone in our lives now has to go. In my case (and I think most) that was the CDS (See my signature for the meaning of that)
I go insane on a daily basis thinking of that idiot, asking myself why did she do this to me. Not only was I a good friend to her, I was a BEST friend to her. I wanted nothing but blessings and good things to happen to her because I LOVED her. And all the while she was trying to steal my husband. It makes me SICK that her and I shared him sexually for so long. I can't believe either one of them.
And now I see why you stay out of this thread. I am hurting with so much pain right now. I am so sorry to us all who are here with this intense, horrific, undeserved pain which to me also equals a life sentence.
[This message edited by Myheartstillhurt at 7:57 AM, December 8th (Thursday)]
It's almost going to be 3 months that I found out what they did 4 years ago.
What I want to say is I tried dealing w/the hurt they both caused at the same time. I just recently started to separate what the each of them did. My thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. were all over the place so I couldn't make sense of stuff. Thank goodness I posted on here bc some who replied made me look at things differently and ask myself more questions.
I started reading articles online about friends betraying you. That level of betrayal is on another different level.
The way I am coping w/what happened is figuring out why it hurts from each of them instead of them together.
It is helping me clear things up for me and direct my anger and hurt to the correct party.
I never realized how much a friend meant to me until this happened. The kind of hurt I'm dealing with was enough to make me not trust people anymore. I am stronger than that. What my "BFF" did I will not be jaded, I will still trust people, and I will still be a loyal friend to others.
I don't think some people understand the special kind of hurt we feel when it comes from a "friend". It makes us see the world a little different.
I would suggest reading up on betrayals by a friend and focus on that also.
My counselor suggested I try to not get angry anymore and talk about my hurt now. I have been taking her advice and it is helping.
Instead of me calling her every name in the book, blaming her, etc. I started thinking to myself why it hurt so much. I loved her. She was my best friend.......
Don't get me wrong, my bf is still dealing w the hurt he caused me, but separating the two is definitely helping me cope.
I have a question for everyone. How did you handle mutual friends of the OW/OM that continued their friendship with the OW/OM after the affair was discovered. There are a couple mutual friends saying they are not picking sides but they aren't going to stop their friendship with the OW. These friends were part of the four families that did everything together this summer (my family included). To me its kind of a betrayal that they are still staying close to the OW, considering what she did to me. I don't expect them to totally cut off their friendship but I thought they would be sticking up for me a little more or let the OW have it. It sucks, because I got the double betrayal and also lost additional friendships on top of it. I'm the one walking around the neighborhood and school ashamed while she is out there flaunting herself. Am I over-reacting?
[This message edited by dd1009 at 2:09 PM, December 9th (Friday)]
I am hoping that the "life sentence" feeling I mentioned earlier, will shift to something else someday. I don't know what that will mean but maybe it will accompany some kind of "forgiveness" on my part, not for them but for me. I am a long way off from that though.
The double betrayal has so many layers. Not only has the WS betrayed you, the AP has betrayed you, the WS has betrayed the friendship that you had with the AP, the relationship you had with their children is shattered, the relationships within the community are shattered. It just goes on and on.
That was an incredibly immature and selfish thing for your "friend" to do even though it was during a time that you were separated. You may not have physically been with this man but she KNEW that you were still emotionally involved. I hope she has learnt a very big lesson but probably not. We are dealing with very sick people here. I also agree with you trying to separate the two hurts. They do need to be dealt with individually.
The other friends seeing OW is yet another betrayal. I can't quite understand why other people don't see it like that? I guess it's because it has never happened to them but honestly, where is their empathy? I can't imagine still continuing socialise with someone who had hurt a friend of mine so badly. I don't get it. I have had one couple (the parents of our D's bestfriend) that invited my stbxh round for a BBQ soon afterwards. I have distanced myself from them.
The other main mutual friends were several other families in the street (the ones who haven't slept with my H). They have distanced themselves completely from the OW. Her BH is still welcomed into their homes but they refuse to entertain her at all. I no longer live next door to the Mad Slapper (as I call her) having sold my beautiful home and moved elsewhere due to the pain of continuing to live nextdoor to her. The people who bought my house are also friends of mine and don't have anything to do with her either. Hopefully, this all makes it rather uncomfortable for her. She and her BH put their house up for sale also in April this year, it still hasn't sold but I'm sure there will be dancing in the streets when eventually it does. If feel dreadfully sorry for her BH who also considered my idiot H to be like a brother to him. It is his choice though to still continue to live in the same house as her. How he does it I don't know but anyway.
It may appear that the OW is flaunting herself while you walk around feeling ashamed, embarrassed and humiliated but in truth the people who know will be absolutely disgusted with her even if they haven't got the guts to say it to her face. She will be looking like the whore she is especially to all the women in your circle and believe me they will now be watching her every move where their own partners are concerned. If not, they are very foolish indeed. As for my stbxh, the only friends he's got left are work acquaintances and the friends/family of OW2 (yes there were others
) who he has managed to manipulate into believing his crap.
What a huge price to pay for what "meant nothing" according to him.
Notmetoo and all the Gang. Onwards and forwards people and big hugs to everyone dealing with this coming up to Christmas.
I haven't had to deal with this because only my WH's parents and one couple we trust know the details of my WHs As. I decided to keep things private while we try and R.
I would be incredibly hurt in your situation if mutual friends knew the details and didn't shun the OW. You are not over reacting at all. Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed as you walk around. Hold your head up high. You have done nothing wrong. You still have your integrity unlike WH and OW. As Ellejay points out, others who know the situation will be looking at the OW with disgust even if they don't say anything to her face.
I have never felt through all of this, that anyone is looking at me with anything other than a high regard. Yes, it is humiliating to know what these people have done, however we need to take a step back and look at it from other people's point of view. By that I mean, if this had happened to someone else in your community, would you be looking down at them? You may feel sorry for them, you may feel bad for them but it would be a very strange person indeed that would think less of YOU. The reason we feel so exposed over all of this is because of the reputation our WS's now have. It is nothing to do with our reputation, what we stand for, our morals, or our value as men or women. It hurts to have people look at your spouse as someone who has betrayed you in the most disgusting manner. It hurts to know that they have marked your family with their stupidity and disrespect. Hear this now though loud and clearly........maintain your integrity throughout, stick to your values despite the hurt, act in way that you would like to be remembered for. Don't get caught up in the need for revenge. It may sounds cliche or airy fairy but believe me The Universe WILL take care of you and everything will balance out as it should be. It may not be apparent at this moment but in time you will recognise this.
Continue to value your friendships, continue to TRUST. The difference now is that in order to trust, we must be absolutely clear of our boundaries, we must not be afraid to communicate what these are and we must not be afraid to walk away when our boundaries are crossed. We are NEVER alone, we have ourselves and our beliefs and We are the bestfriends we will ever have.
Hugs to everyone.