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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, August 26th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG! I thought that my betrayal was bad with STBXH and best friend of 15 years who also lived next door but my eyes have been opened. Daughter-in-laws, mothers, mother-in-laws, fathers? Can it get any worse? I still feel as if I am getting over two deaths. My ex H dropped OW as soon as I discovered it all, ceased all contact but only because he had OW2 on the go at the same time. I kicked him out on D-Day 20/11/10. 9 months later, I'm still in shock. Like most others, this woman and I confided in each other for years, shared grief, nurtured each other's children. I nurtured her also (she is 12 years younger than me). She was passing me food over the fence when I had a serious leg operation. I was so grateful! Yet all the time she was f---ing my husband. Her H considered by H to be like a brother to him so he is equally devastated. 6 kids between us all, their relationship is ruined also. For what? Neither of them can give us a coherent answer. It was just a game of control apparently and my WH has admitted to the sxcitement of having us all walking around them totally oblivious. Two families destroyed, 15 years of friendship, our houses sold at a massive loss, the rest of our small community fractured. Don't know if I'll ever get over that. How immature are these people and how sick in the head are they? I was married for 25 years - what a waste. Thank God for my 3 kids that's all I can say.

Nurture your spirit folks, because no-one else will. Private message me if anyone wants to talk further.
Love Ellejay xxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, August 27th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess I belong to this group too as well as the partners of sex addicts.

My WH had a 2 year A with a neighbor who was (I thought) a close friend. Two of our kids were best friends and we were in each others houses every day. Her husband was one of my WH's closest friends. We socialized together all the time. He followed this with an A with the wife of another couple of our so called friends, also in our neighborhood. This went on for 7+ years. They both travelled for business and met up for weekends away together when he was on courses etc. Both these OW were unhappy in their marriages and are now divorced ( this happened before D day). I guess I had something they wanted and they didn't feel any guilt trying to steal my husband. Personally I can't imagine doing this to anyone let alone a friend. These were women who I invited over for Christmas dinner, looked after their kids for, who I shared things with. I don't tend to open up to people easily and don't have many close friends. Well I guess now I'll have none as I'll never trust any woman friend again.

On top of this my WH had several encounters with other women who I know plus some ONS and was heavily into online porn sites. He is seeing an IC who specializes in sex addiction. The double betrayal is what I'm having the hardest time dealing with. I don't know how my WH or my so called friends could have done that to me.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, August 29th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((notmetoo)))

Sorry. Just want to say that I have met and trust many admirable women since my double betrayal. Don't let a couple bad apples spoil everything. You will get through this.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, August 29th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have to agree with Tigerlilly although in the first couple of months I was looking at everyone I know wondering if they too had slept with my H. It got to the point where I just felt like sending out an email to all my friends with YES/NO buttons attached so that I could get this information all in one hit! But I didn't. I now take the attitude that it is the universe's way of filtering all the bad energy from my life to allow good people to enter it. There ARE trustworthy men and women out there I just want to be able to open my arms wide enough one day to let them in.

We will all get through this. Thinking of everyone in this situation.

Ellejay xxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, August 31st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Ellejay and tigerlily

I know I'm generalizing too much about women and there are plenty of ones out there who would never do this kind of thing. After all, I would never do that to someone myself, but right now I feel like I'm living in the middle of a trashy soap opera.

The As with friends were not the latest indiscretions. They came out with all the other sordid details of what my WH had been up to. Right now we are trying to R.


I know exactly what you mean Ellejay about wondering about all your other friends and if they had slept with your H. Also people in the grocery store, coffee shop etc.

Right now we are trying to R. The As with friends were not the most recent indiscretions. They came out with all the other

[This message edited by Notmetoo2011 at 5:52 AM, August 31st (Wednesday)]


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
cognitivediss
♀ Member
Member # 33304
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had an 8 month EA (with some added cyberfun) with my "best friend". She wrote me a letter recently to tell me how she felt. Telling me how much she valued our friendship and wished she could get it back, while also telling me that she "in part" became my friend to "decrease suspicion and spend time" with my H. WTF?

Now that she and her BH are getting a D, she has subtle reached out to my WH by unblocking him on FB. But, she really truely wants to be my friend.
Crazy.

[This message edited by cognitivediss at 3:45 PM, September 8th (Thursday)]


"You treated me like an option so I left you like a choice."
D-day 7/5/2011. S-Day 9/19/2011. Divorced 7/27/2012.

Posts: 152 | Registered: Sep 2011
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cognitive: This woman has no idea what a "friend" actually is. She is self-serving only. Sad for her really. I've struggled all these months trying to work out how people can conduct themselves in this way, how they can sleep at night. The only thing I can come up with is that the closeness to the BS adds an extra dimension of risk which increases the thrill. My STBXH has even admitted to me that part of the thrill of it was that me and her BH were walking around it all totally oblivious. She still hasn't got over the "thrill" apparently, seeing as she has now unblocked him on facebook. She's a nutcase. Kick her to the curb.

Love Ellejay
xxxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess I belong in there too...WH had an affair with his (and our) best friend's wife. She was supposed to be my friend too. They have two kids together, I was their "aunt" I would have (and probably still would) do anything for those kids...their mother on the other hand....

Makes me sick what some people do without any regard for others...


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1957 | Registered: Sep 2011
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KeepCalm:

The close association appears to make it easier for these people. Less reason for the BS's to query why the WS's would have coffee together, pop round for a visit etc etc. Once again, I reiterate that the closer you all are the more of a "thrill" they get.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, hope you are holding up OK as well as the BH of the other stupid woman.

PM me if you need to talk further, sometimes this thread goes a bit dead for a while (which is probably a good thing!).

Ellejay xxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, September 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I haven't quite read through all 40+ pages, but how many of you either contacted or have heard from the OP?

Part of me seriously wants to email her, and cc her husband (who already knows) and just ask her what the hell she was thinking? And let her know how much I loved the voicemail to my WH about how "OMG, they know, what are we going to do? I hope you'll be there to take care of me" right before she found out it was WH who told everything to all invested parties.

But, alas, I keep my mouth shut and my finger quiet because I don't know if it's worth it.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1957 | Registered: Sep 2011
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keepcalm

So far I have not contacted any of the OW. I also don't know if it is worth it but I think at some point I may have to do it to get closure. I would want to do it in person so I could see the look on their face when I ask them what sort of lowlife they must be to sleep with a friend's husband. I don't feel strong enough
to do that yet but I'm sure that time will come.

Meanwhile I try to stop the movies playing in my head of them with my WH. Just yesterday I finally got up the nerve to confide in a real friend about what has been going on and just having her support and someone else to talk to has helped already.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, September 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was fortunate that this "friend" sorry ass could not look me in the face (even though I did not know at the time) and he quietly left the picture. I have had thoughts of contact but as of now no way am I doing that. Who knows what I will need someday but that will be what drives my decision - what I need.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
Tru-blu
♀ New Member
Member # 29767
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, September 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first time posting and while I "can relate" to ALOT of the topics in this section of the forum , double betrayal is the most painful. This is difficult but I will try to tell my story.
Married to bi-polar spouse for 18 years.3 kids. I came from a dysfunctional family of origin with an abusive NPD mother. Husband had been on and off BP meds for 6 years, self medicated for years with pot, in and out of hospitals for suicide attempts and other health problems. He has been a good dad and husband when he is straight.
Discovered Oct. 2008 he was chatting online/phone. After confronting him and a big blow up that led to a serious suicide attempt on his part. He "came clean" with admitting to flirting online/phone and an A he had in 2002 with someone from work whom I knew socially.
Basically I had put up with alot of suspicious behavior over the years and after his admission that an A happened I was devastated. This was our fake R. He quit self medicating and was taking a med combo that worked .Until....
April 2010 he was having a extreme manic episode (always a clue),I discovered him smoking pot again, spending alot of $$ and I found strange calls on his cell from my NM (narcisstic mother) whom he dislikes and has urged me to stop talking to over the years due to how badly she treated me. He admitted to a flirtation between them after I verbally pummelled it out of him and he went into a treatment center for sex addiction the next day. I was in shock and I promised to stay in the house with the kids until he returned from an extended stay.
NM then calls me the week before he is due home from treatment and drops the bombshell that not only has there been flirting (which is disgusting and devastating enough) but they have had sex mutiple times over the years.(maybe 14 years ago being the first time.We might have been married a year and a half at that point )She also let me know that she "hated me" and how she could not help herself. etc.. bleeech!
I have no words other than I was sickened beyond belief and her "confession" triggered off some memories of abuse I suffered as a small child. Alot of things that happened in my life clicked. The fact she stole clothes from me as a teen, went into rages over my Dad buying me a car, my class ring, she was furious when I was pregnant all 3 times. I had tried so hard to love my mom and I discovered in that second on the phone that I had never had a mother at all.
I am No Contact with my NM since April 2010 ,she has turned every member of my family against me with lies. My dad doesn't know about the A. My siblings are caught up in the witches spell.
My WS came out of treatment and embraced the 12 steps. We were in meetings 3 nights a week for couples recovery and he is still seeing a T regularly. He made a full disclosure to me on his past behavior. Which was horrible but not suprising after everything else. Our marriage has gone to every bad place a marriage can go I think. I have threatened to leave a hundred times, I have hated him, I have hated myself for staying, and I have come to realize that I will never "get over" the betrayl.
He is working on himself for the first time that I have seen, he is still saying all the right things, doing all the right things, and has apologized over and over in the past year and a half.
As of right now we are still together. His T is very supportive of me and helps me work through alot of the anger and pain I am dealing with. I just started therapy with my own counselor who is helping me cope with the childhood abuse.
If I thought my WS could never get better I would be gone but I do believe he is remorseful for the pain he caused me and as long as I see him trying to get better I will try too.
He doesn't blame his bi-polar but I know that it factors in that he was unmedicated. Also I can look back in the timeline of this and see that every suicide attempt on his part was after an encounter with her.So I do know he felt guilt and she did not at all. I really expect people here to start screaming at me for stayiing in this which is why I have been a member for so long without posting my story. Now that I am in a better place I want to let everyone who has experienced a double betrayal know that it IS possible to heal even from the most horrible thing you can imagine going through. This has unburied alot of secrets that I had kept inside of me for years, it's been a form of what I believe to be a form of continued incest from my mother on into adulthood just in a sick new way that I was unaware of. Not only was my mother doing that but she was also emotionally messing with me every day by twisting the truth, acting the 'caring' parent to get information about my life out of me, using my kids as pawns in her game, and stealing my safety. Her betrayal by far overshadows his to me. I was going to have to deal with all this if I was with him or not as we have children together. I am taking a huge chance with my own sanity be working on my marriage after all this. And I know it.I have albums of family photo's with her holding my children of her at our wedding.Memories of Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays... My birth certificate has HER name on it. I can't ever escape this hurt completely but I am trying to heal for my kids sake if not my own. It's hard work and it's not pretty. Peace to all of you..


Posts: 5 | Registered: Oct 2010
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, September 30th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tru-Blu

That is a shocking story. Thank you for having the courage to share it. My heart goes out to you. I agree that the betrayal by your NM would feel worse than that of your H. A mother is supposed to protect you and love you unconditionally and out of all the relationship you will ever have in your life, this will have been the one that has shaped you. You are dong brilliantly by having counselling to sort through this mess.

All you can do now is to break the chain of abuse and it seems like you are doing everything you can to ensure that happens. I applaud you for that.

Personally, I am not going to scream at you or judge you for staying with your H although I'm not sure I could have but then I am not in your shoes. He has enabled your NM's behaviour as she has enabled his. They are both as culpable as the other. Despite being bipolar, he would have been high functioning at some points during all of this. Seems like he is getting it together now.

Removing your mother from your life would be like a death to you as I am sure the betrayal has felt as well. Sometimes though, the people that give birth to us are not necessarily the women who will "mother" us through life. This is a sad fact unfortunately. There will be other strong, solid women out there who will give you that. Also in the absence of a mother fiture I think it sometimes necessary to look at the child within ourselves and mother that child in the same way we would mother our own children. I know this because as I was growing up my mother was not always "present" to give me that because of her own demons, although now she able.

I wish you strength to get through this and please post here whenever you can for support.


Ellejay xxxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
purplefinch
♀ Member
Member # 32471
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tru-blu, I am so sorry. That has got to be one of the saddest stories I've every heard. Hugs and strength to you. Wow.


Married 28 years, together 32; DD age 23
Me BW: 52
XWH: 54, liar
DDay 6/3/2011
skank-a-saurus: 48 yo FORMER friend of 30 years.
status: Divorced January 25, 2012!!

Posts: 674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Massachusetts
purplefinch
♀ Member
Member # 32471
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tru-blu, I am so sorry. That has got to be one of the saddest stories I've every heard. Hugs and strength to you. Wow.


Married 28 years, together 32; DD age 23
Me BW: 52
XWH: 54, liar
DDay 6/3/2011
skank-a-saurus: 48 yo FORMER friend of 30 years.
status: Divorced January 25, 2012!!

Posts: 674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Massachusetts
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, October 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tru-blu...wow... ...just wow...

Glad you're taking the steps you need to make yourself healthy!


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1957 | Registered: Sep 2011
mentallyabused
♀ Member
Member # 33439
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, October 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add me to this club.. Disgusting part is OW tried to be more closer to me after the A started. Why the hell would she do that?!


WH - 30s
BS (me) 30s
DDay#1 - Nov 2009 EA
DDay#2 - Sept 2011 same OW (EA, denies PA but booked a hotel room for God knows what!)
What doesn't kill me right away, kills me slowly..
Status - in R for kids

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2011
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, October 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disgusting part is OW tried to be more closer to me after the A started. Why the hell would she do that?!

Me too!! And it's because they're sick and disgusting people! At least in my story I'm pretty sure she wanted my life...sucks for her!! It's mine!!


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1957 | Registered: Sep 2011
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, October 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My friendship with OW1 became even closer after the A started. I can't believe we sat and cried together at the movies, hugged each other when the other was feeling down etc, had our kids staying at each other's houses all the time, confiding in each other about women's issues and so on and so forth. So many times she passed us food over the fence with my H raving about what a great cook she was and I admit I had to agree! Now I realise it was all to impress him, not to share a meal with us as a family. He even said on many occasions in front of me "If you ever leave xxxxxx, you can come and live here and cook for us anytime!". How these people can look us in the eye is beyond me. I would feel sick to my stomach if I had done that to someone but not them. As far as my stbxh goes - I am done. However, I am still absolutely devastated over this part of the affair. This is the hardest part to come to terms with.

I don't know what the answer is yet. I have to force myself to look around me to see that there is honesty amongst us and not everybody is as sick as this.

I've tried to comfort myself over the past few months by saying to myself "Well, they are the ones who will have to live with this". But are they? Why would they give a damn now just because they've been found out, when they didn't give a flying toss before? Why would they suddenly develop a conscience now? THEY DON'T CARE! They have absolutely no empathy for anyone except themselves. It is that simple. Sad but true.

Hugs to everyone. We will get through this.

Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
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