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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
sweetgirl
Member
Member # 9928
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Looking for peace))))) and (((((all members of this unfortunate DB club)))))

The short version of my story :

Met FSOW in 1991 - right before FWH and I M'ed. Her family and FWH's family are from the same town and were all friends.

FSOW and I became very close, sister-like, after she came to live with us for a short while. She was making the transition from college to the working world and had moved to our state. I thought it a nice gesture to the long standing friendship between the families to open up my home to FSOW and take care of her. Little did I know that FSOW developed a crush on my H which she then carried through several years.

Fast forward to over 4 years ago. FWH is thrown into a midlife crisis by some difficult life events. Added to that is his depression. Marital issues arise. I confide in "friend" who then begins a campaign to wreck my M, unbeknownst to me. FSOW throws the "soulmate" crap around and FWH is hooked - after all, this would be a solution to all his unhappiness. An affair of two years begins. FSOW begins to pull away from me - tells me that she hates me. I have not a clue as to why.

Everything eventually blows up. FWH and I reconcile. I haven't seen hide nor hair of FSOW since the beginning of the A. Both families now do not talk.

<sigh>

I am just so sick of this. What is wrong with people? What has happened to loyalty? To honor? To integrity?

We just came back from a holiday visit back home. The whole time I was confronted with the presence of FSOW's family. They all look at me as if *I* was the one who dished out all this pain. From what I've heard, they all think that FSOW is the victim and FWH is scum, forgetting the fact that she had had another A with yet another MM from the same town a few years ago. WTF?

I am just tired of dealing with the fallout of this A. I really don't think it will ever end. If the A had been with some random person, then it would seem easier to put behind us, to move forward from. But the reality is that there are two huge extended families that have been affected by this choice by two very selfish people to engage in an A. It will always be there. Numerous R's have been destroyed by this A.


Posts: 631 | Registered: Mar 2006
Lookingforpeace
♀ Member
Member # 13872
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Tore_up"

"I know that he will get his someday. I just hope I am around to see it and then I will be good."


You will be good without being around to see it. I have been down this road before with WH.

By the way, if you like country music (and even if you don’t) there is a great song regarding this. I included most of the lyrics below for you. It is by Little Big Town. How ironic, that I got this CD for my WH about 3 weeks ago and this was one of the songs on it (timing is everything). The words are so, so, so true. Knowing this, I know I don’t have to be there to see it. Neither will you.


What goes around comes around
Feel it breathing down
Heavy on you
You made that bed you’re laying on
Deeds that you have done, now you can’t undo

You’ve got bones in your closet
You’ve got ghosts in your town
Ain’t no doubt
Yeah, they’re gonnna come out
They’re waiting for the sun to go down

You can’t hide from your demons
You feel them all lurking around
You’re running scared
Cause you know they’re out there
They’re waiting for the sun to go down

It’s a long and hard row to hoe
When seeds that you sow
Grow by the wicked moon

Be sure your sins will find you out
Your past will hunt you down
And return to tell on you.


Untouchable

Posts: 349 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Michigan
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sweetgirl,

both flipper and I were betrayed by someone we reached out to help and asked to live in our home. My story is so similar to yours, except that I never got the chance to R. OW refused to leave X alone and he could not quit her.

There were so many times that they were lying to my face and I did not know it at the time. OW also undermined my M, telling X that I was not right for him and I did not treat him with respect etc etc.

The reprucussions of their betrayal shook 3 families (mine, his, hers) and rippled across 3 continents.

I NEVER thought that someone I was helping would do that to me. I NEVER thought X would do that to me. It sucks!!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17275 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
dr1968
♂ New Member
Member # 13424
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am in this boat, I cooked for this kid, treated him special.

Foolish.....I have so many regrets.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: NH
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This forum is been a wonderful gift that SI has given me.

It has bought good people into my life that understand what I am going through and reach out so I know I am not alone.

I finally get it. I am not a bad person. I didn't deserve this. I didn't cause this. IT'S NOT MY FAULT. People have been telling me this all along but I just didn't feel it to be true. I get it now!! Thanks to this DB forum. I see so many wonderful people who are in the same place as me who I know did not deserve this to happen to them. Through this I can finally see that I am in the same boat.

Wewillbeok has been a huge help through her honesty in answering all our questions. Tore_up has also helped as through him I can see that it is OK to R. I am not betraying anyone by doing this. You are a wonderful couple and don't think you truly realise how much you have helped others on here.

I hope this all makes sense. I just had this sudden realisation and had to put it down.

Through the support of everyone in here I know that we will be stronger and hopefully happier at the end of this.

Thank You to each and every one of you for sharing your stories. Thank You for being here. Thank You for helping me through this. THANKS SI
flipper

[This message edited by flipper at 6:48 PM, April 13th (Friday)]


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
tore_up
♂ Member
Member # 9171
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, April 14th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lookingforpeace,
I do like county as you might have been able to tell by the way I said that I was going to make the poem a little more like me. That is from garth brooks, Friends in low places. The song from little big town, What is the name of the song?

Thank you flipper. I am glad that we could be of some help to you and yours. It is not your fault and NO you did not ask or do anything to cause it. It took me a long time to understand this also. I am happy to hear you say it. This is not something that anyone in their right mind would ask for.

Tore_up


Me46bs
her46ww
4 kids
married 26 years!!!
working on 27
24/20 girls
15/14 boys
Grandson!
d-day#1 5/2/04
d-day#2 5/16/05


Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2005
Lookingforpeace
♀ Member
Member # 13872
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tore_up

The name of the song is "Bones"

On their "The Road to Here" CD. Lots of other good songs on there also.


Untouchable

Posts: 349 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Michigan
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys, I had a "light bulb moment" this weekend.

I'm afraid to forgive because I'm afraid that by forgiving I will open my heart again and start trusting again. I know myself. I operate that way. I'm stupid and dumb for loving so much when I open my heart. And I don't want to be in that place again to get so hurt.

I understand the "Forgive but don't forget" stuff. But I'm such a sucker that I deeply love and completely trust when I let my guard down and open up.

I really don't want to get hurt so bad again. I know what it was like to love someone deeply and with your whole heart to the extent that I carried the entire marriage and was blind to what everyone else saw. I put that glowing warm ball into a closet and shut the door. I don't regret that I loved so deeply; I regret that it wasn't returned.

So now I try to wrap my head around if I ever can forgive him and NOT love so deeply.

It makes me feel like I'm crippled.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6324 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm afraid to forgive because I'm afraid that by forgiving I will open my heart again and start trusting again. I know myself. I operate that way. I'm stupid and dumb for loving so much when I open my heart. And I don't want to be in that place again to get so hurt.

Absolutely K9! It's funny that I chose the fnf user name. I need to forgive but I'm terrified that if I let myself forget for even a moment, I will put myself in a very vulnerable position. You know the saying, 'first time shame on you, second time shame on me.' Wow, I think of that so often. I don't know if it is truly forgiving if you refuse to forget. I hope so for my own good. But right now, I must protect myself and until I am sure of my H's commitment to this M, I have very little choice to do otherwise.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Pennico
♀ Member
Member # 10724
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

K9 & FnF

You both hit the nail on the head for me. I know I have somewhat forgiven my FWH, but I am so so afraid of letting my guard down. Can you forgive and not completely let your guard down. Most days I believe that he wouldn't ever do that again, but there are tons of stories at SI where there are repeated D-days. I think I would go crazy. I'm just starting to feel like myself again after a whole year. I guess I will always look at my life through the "A" filter.


BS - 50
FWH - 50
D-Day - 4/9/06 (with next-door neighbor/friend)
Married 18 years
2 girls (16 & 13)
Update 8-26-11 . . She MOVED!

Healed after five years and with God's Grace.


Posts: 172 | Registered: May 2006 | From: West Coast
caretoomuch
♂ Member
Member # 12625
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OM was my BF for 25 years,our families holidayed etc to gether. He was a doctor. He knew about WW psychological history. Its a mess. After a 4 year A triggers in everything that passes in the day


2006..Me 48
WW 47 OCD/ Sex Abuse by brother
Married 21 years,together 27
Teenagers
PA when engaged and now 3 1/2 yr PA with best friend
Dday 10 Nov 2006
Dont feel too bad ,people destroy the ones they love all the time.Its n

Posts: 640 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: floating, 2012..going
lorjo
♀ Member
Member # 12321
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

K9, Forgivenotforget and Pennico, I am in the same emotional place as the three of you. Aside from someone who trusts completely and loves too much as all of you so aptly described, my H is the consummate compartmentalizer, and as a recovering alcoholic he became very adept at hiding things and behaviors when he was drinking. I too am afraid to be that vulnerable again. I don't trust easily and rarely have I loved the way I once loved him. All of this makes it very hard to allow myself to be vulnerable again.

Having a double betrayal thrown into the mix has sent me on an emotional roller coaster. She is a close family member and there is no easy way to avoid the OW without shining a spotlight on the tension between us. Her H has chosen denial as the way to go. He will acknowledge that she cheated but carries on as though her behavior has changed nothing in his marriage, and changed nothing in her relationship with my H.("Can't we just all be friends?") No one else in the family knows, and I want to keep it that way. I feel that the more people who do know, the greater the chance that it will get back to the children involved, ours and theirs. The last thing I want is to damage the kids, or their relationships with the wondering parent.

This would be so much easier if the OW and her H understood the reason for no contact, but they do not. In addition, she has shown no remorse, has made no apology to me even though my H has made amends to her H. Her response has been to turn the blame for her bad behavior and her long time lack of regard for me onto everyone but herself. The things her H told mine during the amend, things in her defense were absurd. When my H repeated them to me, my emotions ran the full range from outrage to laughter. I continue to run the full emotional scale with everything from pity to anger and even humor when I find myself thinking about her.

[This message edited by lorjo at 7:52 AM, April 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 92 | Registered: Oct 2006
Pennico
♀ Member
Member # 10724
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lorjo:

My FWH is also a recovering alcoholic (sober 19 years). It is interesting because I really think that the years of drinking also made him adept at compartmentalizing as well. He has said that his "drinking" brain was definitely guiding him through the A. Thank goodness he didn't start drinking again during all of this. It is so sad that I don't think I will ever look at my H with that total trust and adoring love I once had for him. The FOW lives directly across the street, so unfortunately I do get reminders on a daily basis. Miraculously, it gets easier. We have complete NC with her. I do talk to her H because we are always outside with the kids. We have a close neighborhood. No one (hopefully) knows in my block. I don't want my kids to find out what a poor choice their father made. Best of luck.


BS - 50
FWH - 50
D-Day - 4/9/06 (with next-door neighbor/friend)
Married 18 years
2 girls (16 & 13)
Update 8-26-11 . . She MOVED!

Healed after five years and with God's Grace.


Posts: 172 | Registered: May 2006 | From: West Coast
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Pennico,

Unfortunately the saying "Love is blind, but the neighbors see all" is so very true.

We just have to deal with it.

{{{pen}}}}

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6324 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Pennico
♀ Member
Member # 10724
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks K9 -

I try to go about my day with my head held high and a big smile on my face (in case she is looking out the window ). It makes me feel better. I love the saying - Living well is the best revenge


BS - 50
FWH - 50
D-Day - 4/9/06 (with next-door neighbor/friend)
Married 18 years
2 girls (16 & 13)
Update 8-26-11 . . She MOVED!

Healed after five years and with God's Grace.


Posts: 172 | Registered: May 2006 | From: West Coast
sweet_agony
♀ Member
Member # 12685
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in after a break. I can't imagine how it would be to have to live across from OW/relative and be reminded all t he time. My cousin initiated the sex with my X BP, and I have dropped her completely from my life. It is fine without her, and although we are related, our family was never close, so there really is noone who knows us both that I see. I do sometimes miss her 2 sons, who grew up with me visiting, but I could have independent relationships with them...only, I don't even want to go that close. Someday I will call up her x partner, but today I don't even want a hint of any info on me getting to her. I accept the losses.

Funny how I still am not settled with the X BP though. We have had NC since January, when his year affair with OW good Christian lady came to a head and he dropped me fast. All the betrayal he brought to my life, and I still have complete unresolved feelings towards him. But no outlet to talk. A barrier there I can't get beyond, he was so cruel to me. I don't understand why I want something that I don't have, and I don't even know what i want...


Me-45
him 52

BP=betraying partner


Posts: 239 | Registered: Nov 2006
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,

Had our first MC session today.

It went well, painful but worthwhile I think.

Apparently, I have to figure out what "I" want. How do "I" feel. I'm not being flippant but 99% of the time I don't even know how I feel or what I want. The questions and questions really started annoying me.

If he hadn't had the A then I wouldn't have to be examining myself!

I bought up the fact that I was dealing with a double betrayal and that was just glossed right over. I know this is MC but I still feel it should be relevant.

I truly don't think people understand the pain involved in double betrayal unless they have personally experienced it. Thank God for you guys!

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
lorjo
♀ Member
Member # 12321
Wink  Posted: 7:58 AM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pennico, the last inappropriate contact my H had with the OW was when he was sober. It was in a party-like setting and he described it as feeling drunk even though he had consumed no alcohol. He had been sober for 5 years at that time. Now, he has been alcohol free for over 10 years, but whether we can say he has been "sober" for 10 years is another call. He switched his alcohol addiction to work and AA activities. The first 5 or 6 years of his soberity were the worst of our marriage because he was all about "him" and hugely self absorbed. During those early years, he was rarely home because he was always at work, an AA meeting or off to an AA men's group retreat. The sad truth is that when he was drinking, he felt more able to cope with his real life than he did when he first quit drinking. He was more present in our lives (his life, my life and our children's lives) when he was drinking than he was in the first years of his sobriety.


There are many times I am thankful that the OW lives several states away because I don't have to worry about seeing her while I am out and about during the normal course of the day. I have not seen her since my H confessed. There are times I wish she and her H lived closer so we could get the initial face to face meeting with her over with. I feel fairly certain that the next time I see her it will be at a family event and the initial meeting will be carried out in front of other family members. This adds to my concern about seeing her for the first time. Her husband has been to our home for overnight visits 3 times since 'the cat has been let out of the bag" (what I really want to say is "since the sh*t hit the fan" because that seems a more apt description. ) I have a friendly but distant relationship with him which is pretty much as it as always been.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Oct 2006
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

flipper,
My IC and I talk A LOT about the double betrayal, although we focus more on X's betrayal because he was the one I loved and was M to.

I understand about not knowing what you want. What I wanted used to change from hour to hour or day to day. But the bottom line was that I felt betrayed and hurt and I wanted someone to make it better.

Are you in IC also? THAT is where you should be examining yourself, IMO. MC is where you should be examining the M and each others role in the decline of the M. And you BH should be examining WHY he allowed himself to cross the line and to betray you in such a hurtful manner.

This is just your first session, and god knows I am no expert in MC! I would give it more time. But is after a few session you do not feel like MC is addressing the 800lb Gorilla in the room (i.e., the A) then I would get a new MC.

Good luck!!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17275 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamboat,

Thanks for your response.

I was going to IC but stopped but I think I should start again.

I just feel that I would like it to be addressed with him there. I want him to be involved in this painful part of the process seeing he is the cause of it. Know what I mean?

I'd like to get a cannon and blow that damn gorilla to pieces.

It's a damn mess that we have been handed.

Talk to you soon.

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
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