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User Topic: Double Betrayal
unthinkablepain
♀ New Member
Member # 29243
Flame  Posted: 10:58 PM, August 6th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I didn't realize how not alone I am! My H had an affair with my aunt for over three years. My family new something was going on and either couldn't or wouldn't tell me. Turns out the A according to my H started a month after our wedding, I was pregnant at the time to. I hate this OW with a passion! I fully intend to confront her at my earliest oportunity, she lives 2,000 miles away. I helped her with her kids from the time I was ten. She was a shity mother and and ended up loosing her kids after I started having my own. She's also a swinger and I'm pretty sure she inderectly gave me an STD. None of it realy makes any sense he's a good looking guy and the two OW that I know about are nasty. And older not that age is something I judge people for but it just doesn't make sense with him. I geuss I could go crazy trying to piece this all together and actualy I think I already have to a certain point. I'm angry at every one that I've ever been truley close to! I feel like our wedding was a big joke to him. The only reason he ended it with my aunt was our move across the states. I did get to confront the second OW from last summer and she wouldn't talk to me. I got so angry I punched her twice and cut her tire! I don't normaly condone violence but I have to say that it felt realy good to do what I did. I think It's a good thing I can't get to my aunt yet, I need this wound to heal some first if it can. I have been in love with him since I was 15 and he was my best friend for thirteen years. It has been almost a year since DD and I still feel the knife blade sharp in my back all the way through my heart! We are together but I keep seeing it as a prison term because of the kids I have about 13 more years. Who knows maby I will find happiness with him again but I know one thing for sure I need this web site bad!

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Way North California
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the Jerry Springer Show from my 1st Marriage (although it would appear my second has turned out similarly) -

My ex slept around with whoever, whatever, heck I think she's do a tree for $5. But the kicker, when she started spreading nasty lies about me when her family caught on, was when I kindly directed her Father and her Brother to take a closer look at her then current fling. Actually, he's still there just experiencing what I did for years (she's still running around)....She's shacked up with Her sister-in-laws brother. Same dude we used to see at family functions....What trash.Guess that's what we call "keeping it in the Family"


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
FeelUnloved
♀ Member
Member # 29404
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, August 26th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My neigbour who I thought was a friend had an A with my WH.They would get together during the day and talk. He would ring her to let her know when he was about and arrange to meet when he was at work then one thing lead to the other and they started the A. Tells me it was only happening for 4 months. It is just one big nightmare. Thats why the house is being sold. Cant live here anymore it is too close.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Aug 2010
Heart Sick in IN
♀ New Member
Member # 29464
Shocked  Posted: 2:24 PM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


First time posting. DD is one year ago now. WH had an affair with a good friend that lives two doors down. Both families were great friends for many years. H was my knight in shinning armor. 22 years together. Thought we had a great marriage? I had a feeling that something was going on and started to do some checking. I found over 1000 text messages and many e-mails. Her, mainly talking about her marital problems. (BTW she has a wonderful husband who was laid off of work for over a year but took care of her sick invalid father 24 hours a day).This POS called all the time to see where I was and when I would be returning home. H and I started a business 4 years ago with me running it. Spending 18 hours a day/7 days a week at the office. I guess he felt he was being neglected as I was running a Multi Million Dollar Company for us. H and I went into this together knowing full well the time this venture would take. The embarrassment, the humiliation, the hurt was unbelievable. He hurt our whole family. H was so respected by our children, our friends and our community. He gave all that up for a woman that both himself and others make fun of. WTF was he thinking. Did I mention he was was my knight in shinning Armor? Of course he wanted to work things out. Said that it was just Text Messages and e-mails. Was trying to break things off when they meet for drinks one night. At least thatís what H said? So now I am working at it. This one year point brings back all those bad feelings.
I would come home in the middle of the day and OW would be in my home. Said she needs milk and then another time said she needed eggs. What was she doing there? NO ONE WAS HOME. Twice my 18 year old son was napping on the couch and he woke up to find her standing over him. Said she was looking for me? Right. OW would call me at work, to see where I was. She wanted to spend every weekend together. She even went as far to be invited to parties of people that she didn't know so that she could go with us. Found out while we were together, OW and WH would text back and forth. How humiliating.
H and I went to counseling to make our relationship better. All I wanted was someone to tell me what I needed to do to make things better. Dr. told me everything that we were doing was right. and why did I pay her for that? I guess I was looking for some magic potion that just doesnít exist.
Here's the part that I still cannot handle. We have many mutual friends together. I just can't be in the same place as her. I can't. So now, I don't attend parties that I know she will be in attendance at, and that really hurts me. I have alienated myself from all of our friends. I wonder if anyone was part of it. I can't understand why my good friends would want to invite her anywhere knowing the pain that she has caused. So now I have No one to trust. But I will survive.
Three months ago, I received a letter of apology from her, well kind of an apology. She blamed her actions on her dad being so sick, one of her employees having a brain tumor, her husbandsí bad attitude and her drinking too much. Of course she did not mention that she was a home wrecking slut. I have not responded because I have nothing nice to say to her. Iím not ready to comfort her on her misdeeds. Once again, I just canít.
I know that I still have a long way to go in the trust department but we have three wonderful children and I still love my husband. I pray that I have the strength to forgive.
E.



Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Saint John IN
mattie
♀ Member
Member # 25280
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, October 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI All

it's been 1 1/2 years out from D-Day, sometimes I feel I'm making good progress others I feel like what the hell-it will never go away. I can say that not one day has passsed that I do not think about the betrayl-some days it's just a quick thought-other days is a long hard look at all the details and the pain, and how it has affected me as a person. my husband is very remorseful and tries to be supportive but he can never know the pain and loss of trust and at times hope. I try to be resonable and forgiving but sometimes truly hate him and her as well. she of course (the ow) has moved on with her husband and had a baby, I'm probably not even a thought, i still cry atleast once a week (on a good week)-and have dreams and suffer some isolation because of my embarrassment about the event I have stopped association with some of my friends--it's just too embarrassing to face them-I am suspicious of new woman that come into our lives and find I keep my distance. I've been working very hard to overcome these feelings but find I often am unable to shake the feelings of shame and insecurity. Even on good days I hurt alittle. Progress is slow. I am so sorry for snyone this has happen to-it is truly one of the worse experiences and breaks you so far down it takes forever to come back up.Sending out love to all my SI friends-don't give out, don't give in, don't give up


Posts: 73 | Registered: Aug 2009
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, October 10th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..hello mattie,

..just read your recent post and wanted to let you know that how you are feeling is so typical..loss of trust in friends and mistrust of new people who come into your life..

..i too, took a closer look at my friendships and chose to pull back from some..for lots of reasons..but certainly partly because i just became more reclusive..

..i'm also about 18 months out from D-day and i still think about my fWW's A with my fbf..every day..it just doesn't go away..

..mind you, their LTA went on for nearly 20 years, right under my nose and his gf/wife#1 and Wife#2..until i caught them..finally!!!

..it has been, as you've stated, the worst thing ever to happen and the pain is ongoing, relentless, mind-numbing and soul killing..

..we don't like to compare the pain and damage an affair causes, but i still maintain that the 'double betrayal' is way up there on the scale of most devastating..

..compared, say to someone being caught texting a 'Gee, i think you're HOT" on the blackberry to a fellow employee..not that that's easy to fathom for the betrayed spouse!!!

..my fWW and i have been together for over 40 years now and are trying to R, but this situation has presented such difficult hurdles to get over, given the length of their affair and the close friendship through 'so many years' of our lives..

..all this, just to say i hear you and feel your pain and can understand why it's so hard to come to terms with the dreaded double betrayal..your spouse AND your friend..stab you in the back and the front!!

..is it true that misery loves company?? i'm here with you, miserable in the knowledge of what my HS sweetheart/wife did with my fBF for half my life..

..memories/ holidays/ parties, so many occasions and photographs spoiled and tainted forever..

..sadly, there is no chance for a 'do-over'..

..life will never be the same..i will never be the same..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 66
Her 63
Married 41 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4009 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Betrayed_1692
♀ Member
Member # 29607
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, October 23rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really sad how not alone we are on this topic. My WS had a 2 year affair with his cousins' wife. Started when she was 20 years old. My husband is in his mid 30s. She was our nanny and was in my home everyday. From what I gather the affair mostly took place in the morning after I left for work. Still getting alot of TT so I don't know the whole story; probably never will. Just found out nanny is pregnant. I may have to see her tomorrow for the first time if I am brave enough to go to grandpa's birthday party. My WS is "confused" doesn't know what he wants. Says he never stopped loving me but this is so hard. Give me a break! I'm pretty sure the baby is not his but nothing would suprise me at this point with these liars. Supposedly the affair ended last december.

Posts: 865 | Registered: Sep 2010
timestandsstill
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Member # 29921
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering where I balance the people we're cutting out with the boundaries we need to R.

WH, me, OW, and her BH are/were in the same circle of friends and used to do a lot of things together. Our son was good friends with one of their sons as well as a few other kids about his age in that circle.

There's NC with the OW and her BH since the A. Our son misses their son, but I don't see any way that that relationship could go on without bringing OW back into the picture.

I've cut more other people from this circle out than WH has. He's frequently in contact (phone, FB) with his friends (used to consider them our friends) who know about his A but still talk to and hang out with OW as well.

This makes me uncomfortable, but then I feel like a total bitch if I demanded WH give up his closest friends unless they cut OW completely out of their lives too.

I really don't think WS has any feels much but disgust for OW and his A anymore, although he says he wishes they had just stayed friends.

OW's apparent new best friend was someone I considered a friend once and someone I could talk to. (She didn't become good friends with OW until after the A ended.) She also has a son that DS used to see frequently but hasn't seen since. DS has asked a few times when he would see him again.

She posted to WH's FB page (I've removed her as a friend and she can't post to mine) yesterday that her son misses DS. WH posted back that DS misses her son too.

I would love for my son to not lose any of his friends over this; I really feel mean about cutting this out too. But again, if the kids are together, then we're one degree or closer to OW again.

How far out did you cut your ties to remove the OP from your life, especially if you had kids with ties too?

I'm trying to find the line between effective and unreasonable boundaries. Right now, I'm feeling like these would the strongest boundaries:
1. cut out everyone in our circle who knows about WH and OW and still includes OW as a friend
2. still not having DS around the kids of group #1 because of possible interaction (DS or us) with OW

But I feel like these might be too tight to impose on everyone else and might just make things worse.

What a mess. I would so love to move somewhere else and start fresh if that were a possibility.


Me, BS 37
Him, WH 40
DS 12
Together 17 years
2010-2011: Serial As and false Rs
Sept 2011: Moved in with latest OW, 21
OC born June 2012

Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2010
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can only speak for myself. I almost never socialize with my old circle of what I will now call acquaintances.

I feel completely at peace with this choice. I am making a new healthy me and attracting other healthy people into my circle.

I have kept old friends who were in other states far removed from the melee. As most of the OW were either friends or acquaintances of mine...some closer and more manipulative than others, I have only kept 1 friend and her H who live near me.
I still associate with neighbors who I respect and had no dealings or knowledge of the A and my FWH's behavior.

I haven't "imposed" this on us or my family. It just works out that way as you shift your priorities and your focus onto other areas of your life.
I have let everyone else fall by the wayside. My relationships with them weren't adding anything of true benefit into my life. I was wasting too much time on people who were never going to really be there for me when I needed it. Only if they could feed on the drama, and when that ended they went on to the next drama victim elsewhere.

When I see others (not the MOW"S of course) I am cordial but distant.
It works for me.

Now I am living part time in a new place, (for my daughter to attend a specialized school) so it's become even easier to disassociate from the toxicity and to focus on healthy friendships and activities.

When I return home, I focus on my family. It's nice and I feel good about it.

Hope you can find your balance in this mess.
It's not easy. The double betrayal was so difficult....and mine was double x3.

I know it adds an extra element of complications to say the least!

It can be done!


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2358 | Registered: Jan 2010
ebauer333
♀ Member
Member # 30057
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, November 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My "friend" who is 10 years younger then me who was 20 i brought her into my families life since her family life sucked and was abusive. So she thanks me by persuing my husband and when we had some problems he took her advances. all this under my nose. i just said they are friends like brother adn sister. nope they were doing it as i slept on my couch. stupid whore had nothing to say. She wanted to be me so bad she even cut her hair and dyed it my hair color which was creepy. but though i am angry almost raging at her, i miss the friendship having that person to call and chat with. i don't want to call her now but i miss ahving that companionship. she came over 2-3 times a week watched our kids for us all the time and everything. i have issues with women anyways i don't tryst them becasue i have been hurt by so many women stabbing me in teh back and i trusted her she was the first in a while i ahd trusted and now i am at a loss, i am even distancing myself from my other female friends. this is really hard. this double betrayal is rough! how do i go abotu getting over this part fo the affair, i know what to do with him but the friend part is harder.


Me: BS 32
Him: WS 33
Married 7 years together for 9
DDay 10/13/10
with my best friend
3 kids 11,5,2
In slow recovery

Posts: 262 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Austin Tx
goldenbrocken
♀ New Member
Member # 30155
Helpless  Posted: 9:13 PM, November 18th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My friend of 25 years had an A with my h, when I confronted him I found out it was one of many. Most days I'm barley putting one foot in front of another. The

Posts: 1 | Registered: Nov 2010
michelledenise
New Member
Member # 30199
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, November 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to double post, so I will give the quick version as I've been discussing this in just found out. If the moderators want to move the thread I will understand.

My D Day was yesterday, when i confronted my h about some suspicious craigslist activities. I thought he had been meeting up with strangers for sex... but it was much much worse than that. He had a one night stand with my cousin in the beginning if the relationship, and 2 months before our engagement he had sex with my best friend at our New Year's Eve party in an upstairs bedroom while I was downstairs. Then 2 months ago he had sex at a party with an acquaintance/friend if mine. I am reeling almost worse from my best friend. She and my cousin both were bridesmaids in my wedding. My best friend and I are inseparable and I love her more than anything. How could she not tell me?? How could they help me get ready on my wedding day and stand up for me without dying of guilt? I don't know what to do. I don't think I will ever be able to look her in her face again. She admitted it when I confronted her, my cousin blubbered and denied at and said she was vulnerable and that they didn't actually have sex. My WH says they did, and I believe him. My cousin is dead to me now. This happened within the few first months of my relationship with my WH, knowledge of this could have changed everything and avoided a whole effload of issues.

I want to crawl under a rock and never come out. Tonight we are supposed to go to my friend's Thanksgiving which I look forward to all year long. I don't think I can stand there and smile and enjoy myself without breaking down and losing my mind.


BW 40
WH 31
Married 1 year and 2 months
Together for 4 in May
D-Day November 24th, 2010
Current State: undecided

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: indianapolis
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, November 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..((((goldenbrocken)))))

25 years of friendship..some friend..

..and your WH now says there have been more affairs??

..so sorry you are dealing with the horror of the "double betrayal"..

..glad you found SI and we can help you get through this.

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 66
Her 63
Married 41 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4009 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
AttemptStrength
♀ Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can now post publicly in this thread! I knew but I wanted to see if he'd actually come clean about having an EA/PA with my maid of dishonor first.

Cowards will be cowards and I dragged it out of him.

So Hi new group! /wave


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1991 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
wordsfail
♀ Member
Member # 30289
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here. I can't believe it but it's a fact. Nobody who hasn't experienced betrayal could ever possibly understand how it REALLY feels. Double betrayal is an even more "specialized" level of hell.


SHE/ME: 40's
WSO: 40's
OW: x-BF, 30's
Met 11/06. Moved in 1/08. Engaged 8/09. EA 11/09. PA began ??. My Mom died 12/09. DD 2/8/10. WSO is with x-BF now. My Dad died 12/10.

Posts: 192 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: wish I knew
armywife227
♀ New Member
Member # 30482
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My DH had an emotional/physical affair with my SIL (oldest bro's wife) who happened to be my best friend in the world. They didn't have sex (yet) but had plans. Txted from 6am-midnight most nights, sent naked pics to each other, met for sexual encounters, would even kiss, etc, when I left the room when we were there. I caught them before they slept together -THANK GOD- but barely hanging by a thread now. He and I are doing so much better, but it kills me when I hafta see her at family functions/church/everything else. I mean we're the women's ministries coordinators at our church! I see her AT LEAST once a week if not more.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Missouri
JW123
♀ Member
Member # 21265
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am two years on from knowing now and my divorce is in progress. OW (a close friend) shows no remorse at all and in fact has turned it all on me being a bad wife blah blah blah. She and him live together now. He has told me I need to respect her for the sake of our children. WTF. I hate that their relationship has lasted - he says they have so much in common (COMMON being the word). Will the pain ever go away. I will have to put up with her at future children's functions when I hate her so much. How do we survive this???


Him (WS)41
Me (BS) 41
3 beautiful children
D -Day 13 October 2008
He moved out - 1st June 2009.
Divorced - 29/11/2011
He lives with OP now
Married 15 years. Known him 21 years
(Although I suspected, denial is quite a thing)

Posts: 483 | Registered: Oct 2008
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found out that my husband has been having an affair with my best friend and next door neighbour for 5 years. I found out via explicit emails I recovered from his computer. The betrayal from both sides is like a double death to me. When I think of what has passed between us as families over the years, it makes the level of deceipt completely incomprehensible. I am broken (as are my 3 children and their 3 kids also). Two families annihilated, 6 kids and two partners in mourning but I'm sure they had a great time. Hopefully it was worth it. We had been married for 25 years and with all the ups and downs during that time I loved this man with all my heart. Going through all the emotions right now but my only advice is that sometimes when all seems lost, it simply means there is something greater waiting to come into your life. Try not to dwell on the details of the affair, just know that you have dignity and integrity where they had none. Time is the only healer in this case. My heart is broken but it will mend and I will not break.

Me: 52 years old
Him: 50 going on 6
Date of discovery: 20/11/10
Three Kids: 22, 18 & 12

[This message edited by Ellejay at 9:40 AM, December 23rd (Thursday)]


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1072 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
bjw65
♀ New Member
Member # 30533
Helpless  Posted: 8:19 PM, December 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post...I have so much to say and hear that I don't know where to begin. 6 years ago today my world as I knew it changed forever when I discovered that my S was into a year long affair with his stepmom which started shortly after S's father died and our son was born. I was extremely close to her...the year was the worst in my life...I was extremely sleep deprived and going crazy. Lot's has happened since, I have two incredible kids, WS and I have been separated for 3 years, peaceful coparenting but still lots of pain. OW still on periphery, very complicated....think I have done lots of forgiving, but not forgetting....still struggle with pain and some ptsd i think, no, i know. Glad to find a place to share and learn and heal and move on. All for now

Posts: 2 | Registered: Dec 2010
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, December 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


(((bjw65)))..

..sorry to find you here, ..if i may ask??..how long had you known the stepmom , and how long had H's father been married to her?

..with 3 years of seperation, do you feel you have regained your focus in life and are on the road to being happy again?

..you don't say u r divorced, but still seperated, yet OW is still 'on the periphery'.. meaning..?? still in the picture..is your H still seeing her??

..do either you or your H want to reconcile???

..your children are young..??
6 y.o. and -----??

..??how old is the OW -stepmom??

..sorry you are still in pain but it seems to be our new 'reality'..a life with pain..

..my dad lived with migrains ..

..the double betrayal does give a certain special twist of the knife..

..love your children, enjoy each and every day you wake up..

..hope you have sought out legal advice and have some support of friends and family..health services.. i hope you are taking care of yourself..?diet, sleep, exercise..do you have a social life? ..are there financial issues still in effect?

..keep well

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 66
Her 63
Married 41 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


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