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User Topic: Double Betrayal
booger bear
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Content  Posted: 9:42 PM, February 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

have not posted in here in awhile ...

Not much to report ... I started school on this last Tuesday ... all oreintation stuff ... this coming Monday will be 1st day of real class ...

I posted in O/T about my new study nest

anyway I also just posted in D/S about getting a lawyer ... very scary ...

hope ya'll are doing well ...

I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
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Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, February 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay. So I've had a chance to read several posts and am in awe of your strength, your resolve and empowerment. Knowledge is power and 48 hours ago, my WH/WS made me the most powerful person in the world.
I learned that for the past 10 months, he and my best friend (he's best friends with her H and our daughters are best friends), have been in a relationship. The word "love" had been used.
They both swear nothing sexual (beyond kissing) occurred. I don't know what to believe. Our daughters go to pre-school together. We saw each other every weekend. We are each others "emergency" contacts.
WH became distant over a year ago. Claimed we weren't communicating. Claimed I had shut down out of resentment for having to financially support our family for the past 10 years. Blamed me for the deterioration of our M. Said I shut down so he pulled away. One thing led to another. They started to meet for coffee, then drinks. Then...who knows. He says nothing physically happened, but almost a year? Honestly?
DDay was in May of Last year, but I never knew it was my BF. He gave me a random "made up" name and made up person and told me it was over. I trusted it was over. it was all a lie. M became unbearable, constant fighting and begging for him to reach out to me again - my gut told me it was all a lie - I chose to ignore it. We were still distant. I really tried to pull him back, but he didn't change. He was cold. He left after the New Year - said he couldn't take this anymore. He's been couch hopping for almost 2 months.
DDay2 was Tuesday. Her H found out and WH was forced to tell me. He says now he wants councelling and he's never going to give up on us again and will win me back.
We have a little girl who has lost her daddy and her best friend. Her life is upside down.
I realize that this was a self serving game. They wanted each others attention and they wanted their spouses to beg for them to come back. They wanted to feel powerful and in control. It was all just a game of russian roulette - except the families have just lost. A fantasy land with no fear, responsibility, or consequences. And now, just a broken home with a broken heart.
I can't bear to go back to someone who not only took advantage of my love, generosity, patience and support for 10 years, but who in return screws me over like this....with my bestfriend??? What kind of a person does this?
Need to physically hold on to something to stop from falling to the floor.
Actually, I did lay on the floor today - just couldn't bring myself to get up. I feel like everyday I wake up I have to get dressed and go to a funeral. (not literally, but feeling like I have to muster the strength to get through this day). Like I have to go have a root canal or put my dog to sleep or something equally as horrific. Everyday I wake up grieving. I wake up empty and lost. And somehow, in the midst of all this, I am supposed to function as a mother?
I know. It gets easier. Time. All I can do is start counting the days, second by second and reminding myself that I've just gotten through another second of the day. I can get through the next. I can get through the next and then the next. Moment to moment.
Breathe. Breathe.

When life gives you lemons, look up a recipe for Long Island Ice Tea and suck it back. It's a tough road and we need all the help we can get.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2010
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Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, February 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS had a EA/PA with my best friends sister. Who I considered a close friend. This is really messed up and I don't know how to continue my friendship with my best friend. I know that sound weird and it's not her fault!

WS- 31
OW-23 (Best friend's sister in law)
Married-6 years
Together-14 years
EA/PA D-Day 8/9/09
R Day ?

Posts: 149 | Registered: Aug 2009
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Cool  Posted: 11:49 AM, March 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Christina", all I can say is that you don't have the whole story. Yours is very similar to mine. My WH also told me it wasn't who it really was. But my gut told me different. So I played a detective for a week, and I found out who the real whore cousin's wife.
Then too, they didn't do anything, I was led down that path for four months, but things just didn't add up. So I finally told him, there are three people in this marriage right now, and you created this mess. If you want the other person out, then you have to tell me the truth. . He finally told me the truth, and we have been in a really good place since.
Sure we have our ups and downs, but then the downs become less, and then the ups become good, and next thing you know, you start feeling like yourself again. It's strange how that happens.
But it does take time, and it takes the truth. I can't stress that enough. They have to know they can't lie anymore. That a lie is not acceptable anymore.
If I could help in any way, please contact me.

me BS 51
H WH 52
D Day 8/19/08
R since D Day, going to IC and MC

Posts: 141 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Chicago
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Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, March 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have spoken to WS several times since DDay. And as I suspected, I don't feel that I can believe a word he says. He has told his family, his friends and claims to be telling me the whole truth about the EA. Question - How do you find out if it was JUST an EA vs. Sexual?
All I can go on is the information I have and OP has told her H that it never went beyond kissing and emotional connection. I don't know what to believe. WS is so messed up - he has no money, no job, no prospects, has issues with backpain. My fear is that he's reaching out to me for reconciliation so that I am his soft place to land (yet again) - he has already moved out and is couch hopping - has been for 2 months. Now his funds have run dry and his life is more screwed up than ever.
My only shining hope is that I need to work on myself so that I can be strong for my daughter. How do I stop contact with him? I still have so many questions and am addicted to finding out the details. I can't seem to get enough. It's almost as though I'm letting myself get drawn into a battle that he HAS to fight on his own. He is dealing with depression, financial and stability issues. Why am I contacting him? Why am I so curious about what happens to him? He needs to figure this out on his own. I can't fall back into the pattern of "helping" him.
After all the betrayal and secrecy and pain I feel so flattered that he's interested in me again. I'm so confused. Thoughts anyone?

When life gives you lemons, look up a recipe for Long Island Ice Tea and suck it back. It's a tough road and we need all the help we can get.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2010
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Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, March 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cristina, (((hugs)))

First, let me tell you that you are already stronger and more insightful than you realize. I have added something you said to the Quote thread in F&G

Now onto you most pressing issues - your pain and empathy for WS. You will never really know what happened completely. You cannot trust what either your WS or your BFF say because they are both trying to avoid shame and guilt and minimize what happened. One thing you can do is investigate -- go online and look at the details of the past 18 months of phone records and credit cards and bank statements. If you feel particularly obssess, make a calendar and fillit out with events that you know happened (like visiting family on xx date, vacation at beach xx date, child's school play on xx date,...) and then start to fill in things that you find from your "forensic accounting". Compare notes with the other BS (assuming he is willing). Hack into facebook and email and whatever other means they may have used to communicate. Then at least you will have a fuller picture for yourself.

As far as being confused because he is interested again, it is very possible that he was never NOT interested in you. He thought he could have you and his dirty little secret all at the same time. He never thought you would find out. He never thought that you would be so upset that he would have to leave. (My x, who eventually M his whore cousin, still comes sniffing around me! ) You will hear this again and again -- the A was not about you, it was about him getting a little thrill. That is all it was, a little thrill. And he threw away his entire family because he wanted a little thrill. Asshole!

You are still curious about what he is doing and still concerned about him because you cannot just flip a switch and stop loving him. Has much as you would like to, as much as you may hate him sometimes, you did love him and trust him completely not very long ago. You have been hit by a truck and you are still in shock.

As you said, stay strong your for DD. Get thru every day anyway you can.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17285 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
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Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, March 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jtiger, ((hugs))

I am sure it is hard to see your friend and not immeidately think of her sister, even before dday because their lives are intertwined in the same family. And then you are immediately reminded of the A and that clouds your enjoyment of your friend. And even if your friend is very supportive of you, she probably has mixed feelings because her natural instinct is to help her sister.

Perhaps you should have a long talk with your BFF and explain the mixed emotions that you feel when you see her. While acknowledging that it is not her fault, perhaps you should take a "breather" from your friendship for a few months. Or at least not see each other as often as you used to.

As you are finding out, and A changes EVERYTHING. And then your WS has an A with a friend or family member it makes everything weird.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17285 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
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Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, March 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Christina, I would seriously doubt it was NOT sexual. Read my profile, I got the same story....TWICE. After catching them this time, he finally admitted to having sex...but it still took a few days, and it took me saying "You're lying, I know you're lying, either tell me the truth, NOW, or we're through'..

I wish you luck and don't have more time to post, have to get to work, but I feel your pain and I'm so sorry.

Married 11/1989
One child, daughter, born 2/99
Affair: EA turned PA for 4 1/2 months.D Day 11/19/07 OW WAS employee/friend.
D Day 2, 4/30/09:OOPS turns out it never ended, I've been in false R for a year and a half.

Posts: 1004 | Registered: Aug 2008
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Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, March 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had an EA with a good friend os mine. I don't know if it ever was physical. Trying to get the truth is really tough. I was just lucky enough to find emails. My questions is how do you deal when the OW was one of your good friends? When there are mutual friends? My DD is in the same dance class as her DD. What do I do about the dance class. I either have to see her every week or my WH does. He wants to R but how can I when every time I turn around there is the OW.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2010
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Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, March 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double berayal, is the worse!!! Your life as you knew it will never be the same. Who you used to hang around with won't be who you hang around with now. My H had an A with my cousin's wife. So this has changed our family dynamics to the max. I went to one family party that she was in attendance as well last fall. That was after one year of not seeing her, and to tell you the truth, I don't think I will ever attend another event that she will be at. In one aspect it was good to see her that one time, to see her ugly, pitiful self, but in another aspect I will never ever put myself through that again. It was too much stress.
So to answer your question, don't put yourself in the same situations where she will be. It's just not worth the anxiety that it will bring. Make a new life for yourself and your husband. Find new friend, healthy friends. Set up healthy boundries. Do diffrent things, healthy relationship things. You will have a better marriage for it.
If you need to ever talk to someone, just PM me, I will be happy to help or talk, or listen.

me BS 51
H WH 52
D Day 8/19/08
R since D Day, going to IC and MC

Posts: 141 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Chicago
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Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fortunately for me the ow lived far away so I could easily go NC with her. Looking back I think that was the best thing I did in regards to my healing from her betrayal. Now, after 2 years I feel I could be in the same place as her and be strong enough to handle it, holding my head up high b/c I know I'm the better person in all of this, however, that first year I don't think I could have. So if you can change dance classes or dance schools I would certainly look into that first, if you cannot do that, I think you should be the one to go, instead of your H, if you haven't done your own NC letter with her, that maybe helpful, letting her know that you know you will be seeing each other and that is unavoidable but you will not be engaging with her, your friendship is obviously over and she needs to respect your boundaries. I think I would choose to not be mean ( in my case, early on I was afraid if I engaged with her in anyway it would turn ugly fast and I didn't want to lose control of myself ) but I would just suggest ignoring completely.
I did have to get new friends, I had to start over from scratch and not just that I had to relearn how to be friendly with women, I didn't trust them anymore, I didn't want to be a shut in so I had to relearn how to trust friends, it's an ongoing struggle.
In regard to R with your H, my suggestion is to discuss this with him openly, let him know that when you see her you are going to trigger and he needs to be prepared for that, perhaps discuss how each of you plan on handling the situation so neither of you are over come with emotions. Perhaps after dance class you will share how seeing her made you feel and he will agree to hug you and tell you how proud he is of you.

Me BW-39
H WH-41
Married for 10 years
Two boys 6yrs, 3yrs
D-Day 12/1/07
Got whole painful truth 2/2/08
5/15/2008 EA with co-worker, I left
6/1/08 - We are committing to R
"One falsehood destroys a thousand truths"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Georgia
booger bear
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Content  Posted: 3:27 AM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


well I watched the show with stbx in it ... and it was good ... natgeo did a great job on the show ... even tho they kinda just showed one side of the prison system perspective ...
and stbx was all over the show ... however only 1-2 scenes were with his face ... the rest were him dressed out in riot gear going in to get an unruly inmate ...

doesn't matter I knew who he was ...

and I did not trigger like I thought I would ... and I have it saved on my DVR ... and have only watched it once ... the night it aired ... thought I would be watching it everyday ... but I don't ...

so that is it ... things are still moving along ... the meadiation is set for May 13th ... I will appear by phone/fax ... last time I talked to stbx he asked if I would be coming to CO for the meadiation ??? and where I would be staying if I was ???

WTF ??? no I told him I will be by phone ...

no other news school is good and I am almost done with the first trimester ... 2nd one starts May 3rd ...

I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
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Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

another one I can join. My husband and his brothers wife. My SIL had an affair. I must add that we were always with his brother and their 3 boys, bbq, parties, camping, every single weekend. What I don't understand is the only 3 times part? My husband never liked her never spoke well of her. Her and her husband had a terrible relationship, and they are no longer together. I have spoken to her once and am sure that they did only sleep together on the 3 seperate occasions. what a slap in the face..T One while we were camping and my son and I sleeping in the trailer. So 3 times over a 2 year period. This is not the only affair that he had. He had a ONS with a friends wife's sister while camping. I was not there this time. And 4 years ago he admitted to having Intercourse with a co working twice at their place of employment- he no longer works there. I found out about all of these at the same time, and am trying to R with him. Just so confused...

[This message edited by betrayed_one at 3:52 PM, April 30th (Friday)]

Posts: 56 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: ca
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Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in this boat too.

EVERYONE my WS had relations with were friends, two of which were my best girlfriends, one of which was my roommate as well to whom I was very close.

I honestly wish he'd have gotten involved with someone who I DIDN'T know so I could have just easily cut them out of my life without so much extra pain on my behalf. It literally crushed my support structure and pretty much negated my social circle.

Him - WM - 29
Me -BW - 32
"You gave me sorrow"
1st DDay - Feb 20, 2010
2nd DDay - April 26, 2010

Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: BC, Canada
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Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been having strange nightmares lately (we are 11 months out from Dday today.) I walked in on FWH in the arms of a woman I thought was one of my best friends. We were staying at her and her BH's home for a weekend visit.

In these dreams--I've had 3 now over the past few weeks--I discover FWH in a compromising position with one of my friends. 3 different friends! 1 he has never even met and I haven't seen since college 20 years ago.

The dreams are so realistic that I wake up with my heart pounding like crazy and feeling the worst kind of panic. I can't figure out why this is happening right now. Has anyone else ever had anything like this happen?

BS (me) - 45
WH - 51
Together since 6/24/97 (met at OW's wedding--ouch!)
Married - 12/23/02
D Day- 6/21/09

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 24th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think because you are so close to your antiversary. You will be one year out soon. So it brings up so many emotions, at one year out and then I believe every year following that. I will be two years out, when they first started seeing each other the end of June. And I can tell you from the way I feel now, it's like its yesterday all over again. I have to get my head straight and realize that I'm in a good place all over again. Its weird how our minds are, and even though you are not thinking about those dates, its in our brain.
If you need anyone to talk to , please contact me. I'm here. Double Betrayal is the worst.... I feel for you.

me BS 51
H WH 52
D Day 8/19/08
R since D Day, going to IC and MC

Posts: 141 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Chicago
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Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, June 19th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

Add me to the list of the double betrayal! My DH has been embroiled in an EA with my now former very good friend who lives about 6 blocks from our home.

It's such a long story that I wouldn't even know where to begin so I'll just go with the condensed version!

I became ill in 2004 and was diagnosed with a rare incurable disease which has led to devastating consequences. Although it is treatable my life and health will never be what it was.

I've known the OW for many, many years. We met and became friends because our two oldest children went to school together and were friends. We also worked in the same DR.'s clinic together for the same doc. We used to do alot together and were close, bbq's etc. She is divorced and had 3 kids.

In any case it became can your dh stop by and help me with "x" and I'd say sure being the sweet thing that I am. From there she was constantly calling for help with this or that! I got fed up and put my foot down said no more. Well it then led to her calling him directly on his cell phone. I found out while I was in the hospital that they apent a great deal of time together.

So I went to her and asked her to stop calling my H for help and that led to her calling him wahhhh, and a big fight between him and I. I then terminated the friendship with her but it didn't stop them from the "friendship" they were having. I again contacted her via letter asking her to stop the EA and again it did no good!

It has been going on for 3 years now. I confronted H and told him that I was not comfortable with all the time he spends with her etc. and thought it had ended but actually found they had gone underground and gotten very sneaky. Our kids know, I have been approached by other neighbors and friends who've seen them out and about together. I know that they talk quite a bit on the phone. Her calling him, him calling her even when he is out of town on business. Long conversations. Funny when we talk he never has much to say to me. He says this is only a friend and he'd be proud if I had such a friend, of the opposite sex. yeah right. Idiot. I spoke with WS father the other day and asked his honest opinion which was not a favorable one for him.

This past week I finally said I have had enough either it ends or we end,period. I am dead serious and have now made preparations for where I will be going to stay and be able to live etc. Obtain my meds and everything else because it is so damn complicated!

Thanks for hearing me out! EA's suck!!!!!!!!!!!!

WH: 49
Married 28 years
3 Wonderful Boys 21, 25 & 26
LT EA OW #1 was a former BFF
10/24/2010 WS got on Facebook and found former best friend from 30+ years ago & now in an EA.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Wisconsin
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Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, June 19th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Please take care of yourself.

Sending you hugs and good energy from beautiful Atlantic Canada.

Me - BS - 54
Him - WS - 40
OW - his ex wife (divorced for 15 years)
Married 10 years, together 14
Blended family, no kids at home
D-Day - 13/04/09
R-Day - 13/04/09

Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Atlantic Canada
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Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm looking for advice from anyone who has had to deal with the other person being literally right next door. I found out three weeks ago that the friendship my husband had developed with our neighbor became much more over the last 8 months, and I'm struggling right now with many issues, but mostly with the idea of being faced with it daily. Each family has small children who are no longer allowed to play with the friends they ran around with almost daily, this woman was going to watch our children next school year and our kids are enrolled at the same school... I'm trying to give myself time because my husband and I are trying to work things out, and we built our home together for our family and we have other friends in the neighborhood, etc. Anyone dealt with facing a situation this close to home?

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2010
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Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, July 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

S123 I have not dealt with a double betrayal next door but I am still dealing with double betrayal that took away my kid's best friend and took him out of an excellent daycare program that we desperately need for me to be able to work...

Double betrayal is so hard because it makes you question everyone and everything and makes it so hard to feel safe.

How are you doing? How are things going?

Son 10
Dday 9.24.07

BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 763 | Registered: Nov 2007
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