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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
Megpie
♀ Member
Member # 24358
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, January 4th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to know if anyone else has a situation similar to mine.

FWH had 2 ONS and 6 month EA (lots of sexual emails) with his ex wife. They've been divorced for 15 years, we've beeen together 14 and married for 10. His XW has borderline personality disorder and has made our entire life togther a roller coaster. She alienated his 3 D from him (how 16, 18, 19) although wee now have contact with 18 y/o. To say she made our lives hell would be an understatement. Tens of thousands of dollars is legal fees, the pain of losing your children, the constant demands for more money..........the list goes on forever. I supported him emotionally and financially through all of this.

Nearly 2 years ago 16 y/o daughter got very ill and was hospitalized for several weeks. FWH and XW spent all their time at hospital and according to him they were able to talk like they never had - either before or after their divorce. About 2 months after D was hospitalized I went out of otown for a week on business and thee first ONS occurred. 2 months later, when I was out of town again 2nd ONS happened. Another 2 months of sexual emails then FWH ended it by stopping communicating with her. I was still unaware. 5 months after he stopped emailing her he had to take D back home and when he did his XW came out into his vehicle and tried to start things up again. He came home, emailed her how much he'd liked their "conversation" and 2 more days of emails between them. He stopped it again. 1 months later she told me - gave me all his emails to her (but none of hers to him)

His betrayal has been devastating but the fact that it was HER is beyond unbelievable. The person who made our lives hell is also the person who "made him feel like he was the absolute object of her desire". Borderlines are absolute masters of manipulation. However I hold her no more responsible than I do him - she at least was single.

What's even more difficult to deal with is the fact that his kids know - she told them right away. It has been very difficult for 18 y/o but we've included her in our progress and she and I have become quite close.

I guess I just want to know if anyone else has experienced this kind of double betrayal.


Me - BS - 54
Him - WS - 40
OW - his ex wife (divorced for 15 years)
Married 10 years, together 14
Blended family, no kids at home
D-Day - 13/04/09
R-Day - 13/04/09

Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Atlantic Canada
brokenhearted512
♀ Member
Member # 21456
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, January 4th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want you to know you are heard, my situation is a little different. My WH had a A with my cousins wife. I can't tell you how devistating this has been. It's be 18 mos, and it still hurts. I think what hurts so much is that there are two people that you know that have betrayed you. It's hard enough when its one person who has betrayed you like this, but to have someone else enter your marriage and be intimate with the person you are supposed to love for the rest of your life is just too hard for me to put my head around.
I feel your pain, I'm sorry. If you ever need someone to talk to, please PM me. I'm here for you.


me BS 51
H WH 52
ow my COUSINS WIFE!!!
D Day 8/19/08
R since D Day, going to IC and MC

Posts: 141 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Chicago
hurtX3
♀ New Member
Member # 27077
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to the board - after two years I am hoping I have found somewhere where I can talk to anyone in a similar "Jerry Springer" like situation. My H had a ONS, with his B wife, our SIL. The worst part is he had a ONS with her on night while drinking/drugs etc. Then he did it one more time. Why would he do it again if he knew he screwed up once? It has been over 2 yrs since D-day and I am still struggling like it was yesterday. Instead of talking to me he did this. He has done all of the right things, counseling, acceptance for his mistake - for him it was about the act there were no feelings or love involved. Thank God. I have the comfort of knowing what a mess she is but the awful feelings of him wanting that even if it was just for a moment. All of the things I am having a struggle with ... the many random thoughts that run through my head on a given day. WHAT IF THIS IS IT? What if I can not get past this regardless of how much I love my H. When the reaction to just saying SIL and BIL names is suicidal, how healthy is that. When my reaction during sex is rape-like because the thoughts of my H and SIL are in the back of my head during the whole process, how healthy is that. I wonder if she touched him like that, what they did, what he said, etc. I have many issues of my own and I know that one of them is I suffer from depression. I had gone off medication over the summer and have since started taking it again. I've realized how much I really need it and I truly hope that that will make the difference because right now my depression has been winning. At the start of the R I was so much stronger I think - I wasn't going to let her win or define me. Now I feel like part of her did win because I have lost myself. I struggle with what to expect from family. I can not expect everyone to not involve them in their lives because of me and my feelings but it is also puts a huge weight on me. Would these same people let her in their house if she slept with their H. Oh wait “Their H wouldn’t do this to them” I forgot. I am the W that this happens to right, why would my marriage be safe. I am expecting everyone to let my H into their homes again so why not her? Maybe I just need to let them in our home again? What if that is never an option, what if I am so selfish that I can not ever be in a room with her again. Why should my BIL ever want to be in a room with my H ever again? Then I feel like if I even think this M isn’t going to work for me that it is so unfair to the kids because I know that any decision I make is going to affect the rest of their lives. Amazing how he didn't think about our kids. How did this act become all about me? Then I wonder what really did happen to love, honor and cherish and what about through good times and bad and what about forsaking all others. I hate weddings now, I am not thrilled about any holidays ... pretty much any reminders. How do I get past these things? How do I stay happy and believe in these things like family and love and marriage when I get physically sick from the thought of believing that these things are happy thoughts. What was so wrong with me that my husband felt I wasn’t good enough to talk to instead of doing this. I think I am a shell of the person I once was. WHAT IF THIS IS IT? What if the sadness never leaves? If anyone is in a similar situation or can relate I would love to talk.

[This message edited by hurtX3 at 9:57 PM, January 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2010
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, January 9th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurtX3~ I have a similar situation. Feel free to PM me. I don't log on as often but will make it a point to check my messages.

It's so difficult and intensified when the A involves family. A lot of the advice that you might get doesn't always fit in our particular situation. The most important thing is that you take care of yourself and it sounds like you're trying to do that.

Again, feel free to post here or PM me.

~Humboldtmom


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 3:01 AM, January 9th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG !!! I have not joined this forum yet ...

well here I am ... please just read my profile it is easier and I am tired and sad of writing it out ...

I belong to so many more bad threads/forums than good + ones ...

for lack of a better way to describe them ...

I know the more specific help I get for my sich the better off I will be ... that is why I am so thankful for this site and all the forums and threads ...

but come on ... when does the A shit stop ???

I wanna get off now and start healing ...

good thing I am doing much better than I was ... I am moving forward ... just these little set backs like joining another thread that set me back ...

I appreciate any and all advice ... I am not picky or choosy ... lolololol

guess I should have been maybe I wouldn't be here ...

hahahaha I have a very dark weird sense of humor now you will have to excuse me ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
UR_AN_IDIOT
♀ Member
Member # 18764
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, January 11th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for:

Colleenm100

Hope you find this sweetie...


Me:BW 48
FWH: 50

Married 25 years
DD 23 DS 21
Reconciled


Posts: 12696 | Registered: Mar 2008
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 5:00 AM, January 12th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump for a couple newbies who may be looking for this thread ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, January 12th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello All,

I am fairly new to SI....I have found a couple of specific forums that fit my situation....it looks like double betrayal is one of them....

I am on my second DDay. WH had a month long A with a younger woman that I took in and treated like a sister....The A was going on in my own home right under my nose. OW had a BF too, he grew up around my WH family....he lived with us for two years....

That didn't stop WH or OW from hooking up in our home. So I am dealing with second DDAY right now....I am still reeling because it had been five years and I thought we were okay.

We all attended and were active in ministry activities at the same church. Our pastors patted the OW on her head and basically shunned my WH and our family.

So I have lost my church, been humiliated...got to see the true nature of alot of people in the process, which has not been pretty. My kids have lost some of their friends from church and we are starting over somewhere else...while OW gets to stay at our old church and everyone feels sorry for her because she lost her BF in the process.

Am I crazy or is it kind of messed up that people are feeling sorry for her?....

I am going the through the rollercoster of emotions right now but my heart hurts even more than last time because I actually trusted and started to love him again....and I just can't understand how he could do this to me when he saw me self destruct last time.

I don't understand how someone that you treat like a sister can be screwing your husband ...and go shopping with you, go to lunch with you....want to have girl talk and ask opinions....how they can go to dinner with you and WH and smile like it's nothing....or better yet, the two of them can sit at the kitchen table reading their bibles together...I am going to be sick...I don't understand.

We are both attending celebrate recovery and starting IC for now. WH finally unveiled his SA to me. I did not know it went that deep. I thought first A was do to alot of marital issues...and chalked it up to that....I am really getting to see who my WH is now...and it scares me.


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, January 12th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((renee21)))

Parts of your story are almost exactly like mine:

WH had a month long A with a younger woman that I took in and treated like a sister....The A was going on in my own home right under my nose.

Yep, except I discovered them after 3-4 months. She wanted my life and she thought if she had him then she would get my life. She got him, but she never came close to getting my life


I don't understand how someone that you treat like a sister can be screwing your husband ...and go shopping with you, go to lunch with you....want to have girl talk and ask opinions....how they can go to dinner with you and WH and smile like it's nothing...

That was so hard for me to understand. The only way I was able to come to terms with it was to realize that OW was a sociopath who felt justified in every thing she did to reach her goal. Since "playing the game" of being a friend was required to pull off what she wanted, she never felt badly about it.

Take good care of yourself.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17280 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
hurtX3
♀ New Member
Member # 27077
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, January 12th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me the OW is my SIL and I know she is a sociopath. I find it interesting that so many of these OW have this tendency. In my case I knew how messed up she was but I didn't think it would ever affect me, I mean I was married to my non cheating H right. In her sleeping with other men besides my BIL I learned that these men were challenges to her, she went after them and had to have them. Manipulating situations in her way. Like my marriage. It is hard to understand how someone could do that because it is not something that I would ever think of doing. I try to find some comfort in the fact that the OW is a mess. If there is any comfort there is that. Although then you are left with the fact that it still took two of them for the ONS. UGGGGG

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2010
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Sad  Posted: 11:11 PM, January 12th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this same thing in the LTA thread just a few minutes ago ...

BUT GUESS F-ING WHAT ??? IT BELONGS HERE TO !!!!!

I am projecting i am really not mad or angry at anyone on this site ...

so I posted in general the last night about me breaking my 180 and texting stbxwh ... nothing big ... to start anyway, just wanted to make sure he got the gift card I sent back for the dogs and wanted to make sure they were doing ok ...

then the texting led to chit chat about what next steps he is taking in his career ... blah blah blah ...

then the texting turned toward OW ... shocker right ... it was all at my doing me asking the questions him trying not answer and me forcing the issue till he did ...

and surprise guess what I got hurt ... again ...

I asked him if they had marriage plans, moving in together, or was he hanging around when her boys there yet ???

he said no, no & no ... so good I guess, although part of me thinks he is lying bout the living together thing, not on a full time basis, but more than he claims ...

anyway it turned to then do you all date ??? like go to dinner or movies ect ...

he said no they stay in and watch movies and cook at her place ... because yes he said this ... he cannot afford to pay for them to go out ...

not that we are still married, I would be embarrassed(sp) if someone saw us out ect ... nope blamed it on not being able to pay for her slutty ass to have popcorn or steak

so when I asked ... yes it is still me doing all the asking and him trying to evade or just not answer and me still forcing the issue till I get what I want, which is to basically torture myself and make myself sad

anyway I asked what do they cook ... who does the cooking ??? he says they cook ... together

and they just cook normal stuff, like hamburgers ect ...

so basically like a real H & W family household ... just not her kids there ... YET !!

that hurt the worst and has been dragging me down for a day & a half now ...

that hurt worse than him saying he cooked for her or vice versa ... together implies intimacy and a real relationship ....

god I hate my life ...

I am also going to post this in double betrayal ... cause guess what ???????

the whore WAS a friend of mine/ours for the last 11+ years ... her BH and mine stbxwh were BFF's since the 7th grade ...

oh shit just read my profile if you want it is a long sick story that does not have a happy f-ing ending ...

I am so sorry I am not mad at anyone on here I am projecting ... sorry


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad to have found this thread, because the double betrayal issue just seems to amplify the anger/rage. I waffle on the edge of every emotion that can possibly exist within me. And honestly the rage and anger are were the thin line between sanity and wanting to slit my wrists. And then I realized that those cheating pieces of crap, stole my ability to choose what is good for me and my kids. And I took it back...maybe not in the best way...but I took it back. I have been judged harshly for my anger...I mean angry people are scary and not much fun to be around...but that whore and that destroyer of my love took some of my soul. I get to be angry about that. This anger is mine! They don't get to talk me out of it...no one does, and when I don't need it anymore, I guess that is when I will lay it aside like an old smock!


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2360 | Registered: Jan 2010
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Happy  Posted: 4:22 AM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ahhh yes my fellow unwilling DBer's ... may you to also have a wonderful day ...

may it be fogless, without the coaster ride, and with all the understanding and compassion you can tolerate ...

and like I wished to my other threads if you can have none of this and your day is hard, may it also be filled with the most terrific revenge plots to come along ...

doesn't mean we have to act on them ... but what goes on in our head is our business right ???

have a good and safe day, I will check in tomorrow, must sleep now ...

[This message edited by booger bear at 4:23 AM, January 14th (Thursday)]


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
What?  Posted: 4:11 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey everyone ... hello newbies to this thread ... we have some really great members of this thread and they give amazing advice and support ...
been having a pretty good week since I last posted ... can't complain for once ...

Only thing that has come up is I got my w-2's yesterday and mailed them off to stbxwh today ... he is going to file taxes as married more $$$ ...

then after that he will be doing the D thing ... so I really don't have any emotion about that yet ... don't know if I am in shock, numb, or just don't care anymore ....

I have not broke the 180 again since the last time I think it was over a week ago that I did ...

so that is my update ... just waiting on the roller coaster to start again and praying that it does not ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, January 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the wit, booger bear. We could sure use occasional uplifting banter!

I'm stressed out at work, but taking a half day for IC. Been awhile taking that time for myself, and it sure feels good! To finally talk about all the things I can only say here on SI, but to a real live person. I have to say, without you all here, I'd have been in a much worse place. Thanks for all the free "therapy" and support here!


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 12:22 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello DBer's ...

how is life on the razor's edge of suck ville ???

Life in booger bear land is ok ... strange high I have been on the last few days ...

I promise nothing illegal ...

Just another phase to the roller coaster I am sure ...

However I am afraid of when I come down off this ... when the roller coaster makes it's inevitable fall into nowhere ville ...

I hoping that my good mood will equal out the next low a little bit ...

anyway just want to check in with you all ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GOing to IC tomorrow to finally TALK about the roller coaster...I've been on this ride for awhile now, so I'm unfortunately used to the twists and turns, ups and downs. Luckily they don't bug me as deeply on a daily basis as before.


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 12:08 AM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so happy for humboldt ...

I really hope it goes well for and you can find some peace ...

I know I wish I could go to IC ... but I have no ins...

and stbxwh will be taking me off his asap ...

anywhoo ... gotta love the damn roller coaster right ...

I will never look at amusement parks the same again ...

really all my best wishes for you in IC


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, January 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurtx3,

I am a similar situation to you. My H had an affair with my SIL (my brothers wife).

I don't come onto the boards very often but feel free to PM if I can be of any help.

Same to any members of this horrible double betray club.

Sending you all strength.

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
amiese
♀ New Member
Member # 27372
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, January 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes the OW just happened to be my sister who I invited to move in with us against my H wishes. After 6 months things started up between them!!! I didn't find out about any of it until she had been gone for four months and i found my H other phone with the messages on them! The whole time my sis and I got really close (or so I thought) as she started telling me how i could do much better than my H and how he didn't treat me good. Oh, really? I wonder why now! However when I confronted my H he fessed up and dropped her so fast i bet she felt her head spin. She often texts him ranting and raving about she wishes he would die and all. I'm not sure what shocked me more. His or her betrayal. I guess him since he's the sucker who made those vows when he married me.


Him: 34
Me: 31

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2010
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