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User Topic: Double Betrayal
Cygnus
♀ Member
Member # 25525
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all, I'm sorry to be in here with you and I'm sorry that all of us have reason to be in here.

I have been posting on SI since shortly after my D-Day, and I thought that it was about time that I popped in here.

OW was my best friend and adopted family member. My kids still ask after her and her kids, and we have to constantly reiterate with them not to call her Auntie anymore. (Anyone who loved them wouldn't do what she did.) I loved and often baby sat and cared for her daughters. I've invited them all for sleepovers and OW would stay at my house for as long as nearly a week at a time for "fun".

OW and WH began their A while my son was undergoing the most active phase of treatment for his leukemia. I had to stay in a hospital 6 hours from home with my DS for about 10 months.

WH and my other DS's stayed home and visited on weekends so that way WH could work and we could afford to live. OW babysat my children while WH worked.

I could understand an A of loneliness between them, but they were both so horribly nasty. WH has since D-day recently been diagnosed with Aspergers, and I realize that during the time when I was away with my son he literally saw me as nothing but a critical, insane, abusive hag of a woman. I was going through hell yes, but there were a lot of good things that he selectively does not remember. Eventually I became quite abusive towards him because he was incredibly neglectful to my ill son and myself and our basic human needs and rights were being compromised at his apparently willing hands. (IE food, clothing, shelter etc.)

WH also began picking fights and using every hurtful technique in the book so that way he could run to OW, say how horrible I was and how horrible he had it and receive her sympathy and get his knob polished in return.

However, much of what he was actually telling OW was outright lies and exaggeration. She was my best friend for years and she should have known right away that he was exaggerating, this person he was describing was NOT me, and she could have come to me any time. However, OW apparently had had feelings for him for years and she saw him as her one chance for happiness and stability- something she's not had much of.

Eventually, WH and I separated because of the hopelessness of the situation and my desire to be there for my son. WH and his abuse and neglect was too much of a distraction and my son was needing me for his very survival.


OW's BH eventually found out about the A and OW played the abused wife card to me. Both WH and OW sicced me on her BH. I backed them both up, OW had a nervous breakdown, and I was her biggest champion and defender from afar. OW's BH eventually began harassing me. He was trying to determine if I knew about the A, but seeing as I didn't he decided not to tell me and when I threatened criminal harassment charges against him he left me be.

OW and WH continued, although occasionally WH would still try with me and he was certainly still sleeping with me.

After OW's BXH kicked her out (She left to a shelter for abused women initially. how quaint.) I invited her to live in my home as WH was then coming over to stay with me and DS as I was on the verge of mental breakdown.

OW lived in my home for months, slept in my bed. I'm still finding her hairs in my home and laundry. I'm still finding remnants and pictures that her daughters drew for me and it hurts terribly.

When my family returned home, OW was in her own place finally and WH and I decided to give our relationship another try now that we were living together as a family again.

OW and I became inseparable again. I did not share any details of WH's and mine's attempt at reconciliation however. I don't know why, I guess I viewed it as private and things were certainly rocky.

WH at this time unbeknown to me was feeling terribly guilty. He COULD NOT accept the fact that I was changing for the positive through IC. So much of his justification for who he was and what he did was based on the fact that he thought I deserved it. Our reconciliation attempts frequently went sour and I never knew why. It hurt me terribly that he'd be fine one day, then the next he'd be distant, sulky, and he'd pick fights. He'd also disappear for long-ish periods of time while doing chores to go on "dates" with her.

WH and OW only began having sex after WH and I were R'ing, and OW and I were frequently together. WH would pick a fight, run to her and have sex with someone that was telling him that he was perfect, he should never have to change, he should come number one in his life etc. Nevermind the fact that his actions literally were having potential life and death consequences on his children.

OW at this time began aggressively pursuing me sexually (We're both bisexual.) as I was "single". Her persuits of me coincided with the times that WH and I were R'ing, although I never told her. WH did though of course.

I rejected her because I cared about her too much to jeopardize our friendship, and that's when she began pursuing my WH doubly so. I think she honestly wanted both of us as she said she had considered a polygamous relationship with us, but when she realized I wasn't an option it became a competition.

She was constantly putting me down, but at the same time she was copying my every move. Even her own family noticed that having a conversation with her was like having a conversation with me.

She stole literally everything from me. Copied everything, in an attempt to win my WH because he would never guarantee a future with her. Even when he was certain that he and I would never have a chance, he never promised her anything and he said I came first, period.

OW coped with WH's relationship with me by being "supportive" to both of us. She babysat my kids while WH and I were going to MC, went on dates together, had SEX. Meanwhile, behind the scenes she told WH that she would wait however long it took for him to tire of trying with me, even if it took years. WH always had a sympathetic (self-serving) backup that knew how horrible he really was and accepted it. It was hard to compete sometimes and it's no small wonder that he would pick fights and run to her.

In the meantime, OW continued to accept lavish gifts from me (Like a washer, food, girly nights etc.) and impose upon my hospitality. When she was having problems with my WH, she would run to me citing one of her "episodes" and stay at my house so that way her children could be cared for. I of course put my needs on the back burner to make her feel better for the sake of her children who I loved very much.

During this time of course WH and OW would steal little moments away to "connect". Once they even brought my ill son along and OW's excuse was "Who's he going to tell?" because he's 2. This was "her baby" mind you, who she professed to love so much.

D-Day eventually came. I accidentally happened upon something that she'd written about my WH. I'm not sure it wasn't deliberate. She'd threatened outing the A with WH many times, and she constantly made double entendres and allusions to my DH, but because we were all such good friends I thought nothing of it. She even suggested using WH as a sperm donor. Fantasies about babies, you name it.

The night before D-Day she was woe-ing to me about her cervix, she was having issues common to pregnancy.

After I read what she wrote I put 2 and 2 together, called my WH to come pick me up (I'd been having a girly sleepover at her house- my treat of course.) and I confronted my WH who confessed.

I wish I could cut her completely out of my life but I can't.

WH and I had 10 people to our wedding. OW was one of them. She's the legal witness on our marriage certificate. Either her or her children are in virtually all of our family photos for every holiday and birthday. My son's cancer journal that I maintained for him has her heavily throughout it. I posted pictures of him just for her to see.

I shared everything with OW. Her betrayal actually hurts worse than WH's in a lot of ways because WH has finally had his mental health issues diagnosed and addressed since D-Day. OW was just a horrible, nasty, rotten, user and abuser.

WH and I are R'ing, but my life is so, so tainted by this A.

OW is of course playing the victim since D-Day. We're "harassing" her. (3 phone calls in 3 weeks I believe, one to end it, one to ask for our stuff back, one where I "forgave" her plus two e-mails in regards to confirmation of potential pregnancy which she refused to give.) We can't even find out whether or not she's pregnant because of threatened legal action. We'll be hiring a PI around the appropriate time frame for a bump.

I can't believe that this is my life.

On the plus side, R efforts are going well. My WH has been diagnosed with Aspergers and so many of our problems are traced easily to Aspergers behaviors.

I'm sure OW thinks that WH is staying with me out of obligation, but he's so in love it's almost painful to watch sometimes. He has to live with the pain of what he's done to our family and it would be so much easier for him to run away than to face the consequences of his actions.

He practically worships the ground I walk upon right now and we're working so hard and so successfully on building something new that's better than we've ever had before. It doesn't hurt that the sex has been frequent and spectacular. (It was a big issue in our previous relationship, and he only slept with OW 4 times and it was terrible. He even said my name once. Take that OW!)

What a club to join, I can't believe this is my life.

[This message edited by Cygnus at 3:31 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)]


D-Day 05/09/09
D-Day #2, 31/01/10 Same OW earlier affair.
Now STBXWH- LTA with my mate-poaching "BF" during my son's cancer journey.
"Nothing is a greater impediment to being on good terms with others than being ill at ease with yo

Posts: 241 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Canada
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Cygnus))

So many things you posted struck a card with him even though your story is very different than mine -- OW the Auntie, trying to take care of OW, OW living in your house, still finding remnants of OW in the house, OW the "victim", defending OW...and in the end discovering that OW is psycho sociopath!

But your WH was also in the A and was a willing participant. He is not blameless. And even though he has been diagnosed with Aspergers, do not allow him to blame all of his bad decisions on that! He is still highly functional and has been able to presumable make many many good decisions in his lifetime.

My best advise to you is to try to kick OW out of your head. Reduce to a non-entity. She does not deserve any of your time or thoughts. It has gotten to the point where I cannot even say OW's name because she simply does not deserve the respect of even a name.

Stay strong
((hugs))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17282 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
lostkale
♀ Member
Member # 25482
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Cygnus - Dreamboat))

Group hug!

I wish we weren't so alike.

When my kids mention OW/xBF and/or xBFBS's names, or ask when they will see them again, I tell them they moved to China. (but my heart breaks too because I know they love them).

Consequently, we will not be visiting China any time soon. And I figure if and by the time my kids every do, I will have "lost touch" and will not be able to provide contact info. Darn!


BW 31
WH 28 (Sorry Sack)
Married 8 years, together 13
D-Day - 8/30/09
Trickle truth....
Real D-Day (I think its all out now?) 9/19/09
MOW - "A dear friend" of mine...in my house...while I was sleeping...once in the same room
Kids - 2

Posts: 75 | Registered: Sep 2009
Cygnus
♀ Member
Member # 25525
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Dreamboat for your response. I'm sorry that you're in a similar situation.

My WH thankfully is owning his part of the A. The Aspergers diagnosis certainly explains many of our communications problems and many of the other problems that we've had throughout our marriage, but the A is a separate entity. He knew what he was doing. I'm actually somewhat understanding of his motivations during the EA part of their A (about 9 mos.) when I was away and he had to put me down in order to receive acceptance from *someone* (Many other people were so shocked about how distant he was about his own son's health issues.) but there is absolutely no justifying what he did when they began their PA. Much of what he did was out of a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" attitude and that's unforgivable. He was unhappy with OW, but he kept on trying with her because he felt he *should* feel something with her and if he confessed to me he was certain I'd never allow him near me or his children.

In regards to OW becoming a non-entity, I'm sometimes able to do this. It's become much easier since I've learned more about OW and how she was stringing along her BXH and maintaining at least one other EA while she was with my WH. However, I just don't know how to handle it when my kids bring her or her children up. I prefer to think of her as a very sick, sad person. The pictures we have are of some genuinely good times, but she grew to hate me so much in the end.

The kids constantly mention her and her kids and I try to be supportive- they vaguely know what happened- but I'm constantly being triggered by her "presence".

How do you deal with this? Do your kids ask after OW? (Sorry I assumed that since you mentioned OW was "Auntie" that you have kids!)

I do not tolerate them calling her Auntie that's for sure. Even they don't like doing it and the realize it's a slip. They resent her for trying to make a family with their Dad without me. (About as much as they understand.)

They're very young though so this is very hard.

[This message edited by Cygnus at 4:10 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)]


D-Day 05/09/09
D-Day #2, 31/01/10 Same OW earlier affair.
Now STBXWH- LTA with my mate-poaching "BF" during my son's cancer journey.
"Nothing is a greater impediment to being on good terms with others than being ill at ease with yo

Posts: 241 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Canada
million tears
♀ Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you ever feel like a big loser even on a message board?


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1566 | Registered: Jun 2009
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you deal with this? Do your kids ask after OW?

DD was in the house when I discovered them (in bed), so she knows waaaay more than she should

Anyway, she hates OW as much as I do. Perhaps more because OW took away her father. She never mentions her or her children (who also lived here -- DD shared a room with one of them). In fact, we rarely ever mention X anymore.

Your kids will eventually stop thinking about "Auntie" or her kids so they will stop asking about them -- out of sight out of mind works well with kids.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17282 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Cygnus
♀ Member
Member # 25525
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamboat-

Thank you for your insight. I hope that the kids do forget them eventually. We have pictures, but hopefully they'll forget the circumstances surrounding everything and they'll forget that these people were anything other than friends we used to have.


Do you ever feel like a big loser even on a message board?

milliontears-

I'm not sure what exactly was meant by that, was this addressed to me or anyone in particular? Sorry, it's hard to read tone in text. I know that I feel like a big loser pretty much all the time right now. I don't know how one earth I could trust OW so implicitly, even when I had suspicions. But I was just crazy jealous psycho bitch remember.

[This message edited by Cygnus at 10:47 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)]


D-Day 05/09/09
D-Day #2, 31/01/10 Same OW earlier affair.
Now STBXWH- LTA with my mate-poaching "BF" during my son's cancer journey.
"Nothing is a greater impediment to being on good terms with others than being ill at ease with yo

Posts: 241 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Canada
jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said,

I wish I could cut her completely out of my life but I can't.

You Can. It starts in reality-- with no contact. I have a feeling that if your H slips up on this, it will lead you to D because that is one particularly effed up situation you had there with OW. She has to be completely eradicated from both of your lives.

Second thing, it's hard to stop giving her all this power, but you have to do it. I still hate the OW on principle, but once NC was established, it was just me and my FWH's problems on the table. (Unfortunately he isn't equipped to deal with those problems and we are Ding, but I'm okay with it and I'm not blaming it on OW, it's a mutual decision.)

In time, the OW will lose her hold on you. You wouldn't want to go there again-- she burned you so many times and I can guarantee you, there are tons of better people in the world to make a better friend than her. You just have to liberate that best-friend space in your mind when you're ready.

For me, having been in a similar situation (kid in hospital getting an operation, OW begging STBX to fly her here so they could be together during it, them getting together the very night my son was discharged), there are some betrayals that can't be forgiven. I think this one runs so deep, I don't consider the OW even human anymore. She is a mother, and was supposedly a friend, but she couldn't fathom what it is to hurt another mother/friend during the most sensitive time of her life.

That is the smacking definition of a disturbed person. Why bother wondering what she thinks or does? She is clearly not fit for human consumption!

You may also want to ask if it was healthy for your M (not blaming you, but really ask yourself) to have someone so damn close to all of you, all the time. I definitely keep a mental fence up now. There was some dynamic there that allowed for a 3rd person to get too far into your business. Close off the hole in the fence.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by jolene at 12:39 AM, November 1st (Sunday)]


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
Cygnus
♀ Member
Member # 25525
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Jolene.

NC is not an issue.

WH and I want NOTHING to do with her, and she cried harassment over legitimate contact (Like is she pregnant? Still a pressing issue...) so if WH even attempts to break NC he could face criminal harassment charges.

The problem I have is that I literally can not wipe all traces of her from our lives. Like I said, virtually all of our family photos have her or her children in them and I'm certainly not chopping them up. I can't edit out the parts of her that were preserved in my son's caringbridge page etc. and I'm certainly not going to force a shame-induced amnesia on my kids.

My kids remember her and her kids and talk about them. (Less now mind you, and they're mad at OW.) I'm not going to invalidate them or their feelings by saying that we can't ever talk about OW or their kids again kwim?

My kids are in pain because of their losses and I'm trying to guide them through this in a healthy fashion and unfortunately that means that OW comes up more constantly than I'd like.

I hate it, but I don't feel like it would be right by my kids to do it any other way.

You may also want to ask if it was healthy for your M (not blaming you, but really ask yourself) to have someone so damn close to all of you, all the time.

I very, very much agree! WH and I are very much in love with the book Emotional Infidelity by M. Gary Neuman and we have agreed to never let anyone get so close to us that they would detract from our marriage in any way ever again. (Sounds codependent if used wrong, but we're not doing it in a bad way I swear!)

I used to put myself or time ALONE with my WH on the backburner so often because our friend "needed us".

For crikey's sakes, when my youngest was a newborn "poor" OW "needed" driving lessons from my WH (There was absolutely nothing inappropriate from him at that point.) and I suffered alone with all of the kids after sleepless nights with a bub that never slept etc.

When she had mental breakdowns we invited her to stay with us so that way her kids would be cared for.

No freaking way am I ever feeling responsible for anyone who isn't my FAMILY again!

Part of the "Emotional Infidelity" book details never having those "friendships" in the first place that could eventually evolve into an affair under the right (wrong?) circumstances despite the best intentions. Constant vigilance against inappropriate attachments and emotional detractions from your spouse. I like it!

I don't want a new BF, I want my life partner to be my new BF. He's my life partner for crikey's sake. We *should* share everything.

(I know that not everyone agrees with that theory, but we do and for us this will hopefully work.)

They used to praise each other for lying to me so well when I'm not a dumb or easy to deceive person.


D-Day 05/09/09
D-Day #2, 31/01/10 Same OW earlier affair.
Now STBXWH- LTA with my mate-poaching "BF" during my son's cancer journey.
"Nothing is a greater impediment to being on good terms with others than being ill at ease with yo

Posts: 241 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Canada
million tears
♀ Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, November 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cygnus,

My post wasn't directed at anyone here. I was just thinking about my earlier post and how pathetic I sound.


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1566 | Registered: Jun 2009
confuzzled
♀ New Member
Member # 26137
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, November 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by confuzzled at 1:15 AM, November 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: canada
confuzzled
♀ New Member
Member # 26137
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so i made a notebook for my WH and I to communicate. Questions I have about his 3month affair with my best friend. Ugh my stomache's in knots!! He is being honest in this book, he finally gets it. Our prior convo's have all ended up in yelling matches, he was defensive, angry, lying through his teeth. Now I am getting the truth and although the truth can set you free if you let it, I'm scared shitless! Anyone have any stories about how they felt when they found out the truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth?Please share with me your feelings and opinions

Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: canada
terriblysad
♀ Member
Member # 25701
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone... I have been on SI for a few weeks and just discovered this forum... and unfortunately I can relate.

The OW was a close friend and former employee of ours (we own our own business). I had known her for about 7 years and always thought I knew her pretty well, but I guess I didn't know her at all.

D-day for me was July 3, 2009, but I had suspected something going on for a while prior to that. My H and I own 3 businesses together and she worked at one of the businesses that I really was not too involved with, which made their A very possible. This past April, I was reconciling our books and found discrepancies, which led back to her - she had been embezzling money from our business for about 5 months.
My WH immediately terminated her and asked me not contact her (stupid me, I listened) because he didn't want me getting too upset over the whole thing. I was actually glad she was out of our business because I was getting a bad feeling about them. Well, when I saw the cell phone bills come in the following month and saw that he was still contacting her, all the red flags went up.
I questioned a few times, and of course he lied. So I continued to collect my evidence and he finally admitted to the A in July. It had been going on for 3 years.

I could not believe that both of them could betray me in such a way. I had helped her out so many times - giving clothes to her grandchildren when they needed it, loaning her money when she had a crisis, among many other things. I just felt like I was played for a fool and that they played their game right in front of me - and didn't feel guilty about it. My son was in the hospital back in February for brain surgery and she played the sympathy card so well - giving me hugs and crying. She even bowled on my bowling team, and went to dinner with us and our kids. How can any normal person do that and live with themselves.

It is still not over between them... he is still fence sitting although still living at home. I have done the 180 and am trying to work on me and not focus on them. I just get sick to my stomach whenever i think of them. I just want something to change... I'm so in limbo right now.

I thank God that I found this site because I need to vent to someone. It is keeping me from going crazy.


BW (me) 49
WH 51M
arried 27 years - 3 wonderful children 23,19,16
D-Day - 7-3-09 - LTA with a "friend" - started in 2003?
False R - finally NC 5-11
Trying to R - one day a time.

The worst thing you can try to do is cling to somethin


Posts: 132 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Northeast
brokenhearted512
♀ Member
Member # 21456
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, November 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this OW married? Did you tell the H?


me BS 51
H WH 52
ow my COUSINS WIFE!!!
D Day 8/19/08
R since D Day, going to IC and MC

Posts: 141 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Chicago
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, November 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

confuzzled and terriblysad,

I just wanted both of you to know that someone is reading your posts.

confuzzled, so many of us are scared of what our WS will tell us. Not so much the actual details, but the churning up of how terrible it makes us feel. Like "He did THIS with HER??!!"" Ugh!!

terriblysad,
The limbo...there is nothing worse than the limbo. For your own sanity, please put a time limit on how long you will allow him to disrespect you this way. If he does not come out of the fog SOON then please visit the D/S forum. We can help you thru the roller coaster of limbo-land

(((HUGS)))
to both of you!!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17282 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
terriblysad
♀ Member
Member # 25701
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, November 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenhearted -
The OW is currently legally separated. Swears that the A had nothing to do with it. That is a crock. We have known her and her H for a few years and though things were not perfect between them, I believe the A definitely moved things in the wrong direction for them (as it does for everyone). I have not talked to her H since I found out. I'm not sure if he knows - my WH doesn't think he does. I have been considering calling him for a few weeks but have not done so yet. Even though they are separated, I believe he has a right to know. I made the decision in my mind that if my WH moves out - I will call OWH. That may be soon.

Dreamboat -
Thanks for the response. I have been quite busy lately so it has taken me a few days to get back here. I know I have to put a time limit on it because I think he will let it go on like this forever. I have been doing the 180 for the past few weeks and have been pretty much ignoring what he is doing. I reminded him yesterday that what he is doing is not OK and that he needs to figure out what where he wants to be. I also told him that if he has made his decision, just tell me. The limbo is the worst.

I am giving him a few days to ponder on what I said. I cannot see myself going through the holidays with him the way he is right now. I'd rather be alone and I'm picturing myself alone more and more lately. It is a much more peaceful place. I figure I'll give him until this weekend to get some kind of response. If I get nothing, I plan on asking him to leave. In a way, he is already gone.

I keep hoping he will come out of the fog, but I see no signs right now. Maybe a dose of being without his family will wake him up. I know I cannot fix him, or this situation, so I will continue to concentrate on me.


BW (me) 49
WH 51M
arried 27 years - 3 wonderful children 23,19,16
D-Day - 7-3-09 - LTA with a "friend" - started in 2003?
False R - finally NC 5-11
Trying to R - one day a time.

The worst thing you can try to do is cling to somethin


Posts: 132 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Northeast
azgal
♀ New Member
Member # 26069
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS and an old friend of his family (who also befriended me) argh!! She just sent me an email tonight basically saying it was my fault for not keeping "my man" happy. WTF?!?!?


AZGAL
~Together 12 years, married 11.5 years
~1st D-Day: 6/15/09, 2nd: 10/31/09
~Be courteous to all, but intimate with few;and let those be well-tried before you give them your confidence. ~George Washington

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Arizona
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She just sent me an email tonight basically saying it was my fault for not keeping "my man" happy.

That is typical OW crap. Dr. Phil has some slimy OW on today that is spewing the same shit. The fact that OW gleefully pointed out all of my faults to X while rubbing her ass against him really had nothing to do with it (I say sarcastically)


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17282 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, December 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm bumping this - I have seen a lot of posts lately, and quite a few from new members,who may not know this exists. It just sickens me how many of us are victims of "friends" who betray us.

But this is a great place to share your experiences and impart your knowledge.
Hugs to all,

Lala


Me - 48; FWH - 50
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 26
4yo GS & 14 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/14(DD30) and 2yo GD(DD26). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 4809 | Registered: May 2007
Megpie
♀ Member
Member # 24358
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, January 4th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to know if anyone else has a situation similar to mine.

FWH had 2 ONS and 6 month EA (lots of sexual emails) with his ex wife. They've been divorced for 15 years, we've beeen together 14 and married for 10. His XW has borderline personality disorder and has made our entire life togther a roller coaster. She alienated his 3 D from him (how 16, 18, 19) although wee now have contact with 18 y/o. To say she made our lives hell would be an understatement. Tens of thousands of dollars is legal fees, the pain of losing your children, the constant demands for more money..........the list goes on forever. I supported him emotionally and financially through all of this.

Nearly 2 years ago 16 y/o daughter got very ill and was hospitalized for several weeks. FWH and XW spent all their time at hospital and according to him they were able to talk like they never had - either before or after their divorce. About 2 months after D was hospitalized I went out of otown for a week on business and thee first ONS occurred. 2 months later, when I was out of town again 2nd ONS happened.


Me - BS - 54
Him - WS - 40
OW - his ex wife (divorced for 15 years)
Married 10 years, together 14
Blended family, no kids at home
D-Day - 13/04/09
R-Day - 13/04/09

Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Atlantic Canada
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