I am so very sorry for what I did, I am deeply remorseful and regretful. I did call FWH to see if there was anyway you would be willing to talk to me, because I feel like I owe it to you to say I'm sorry in person; but he said it was best not to for now and I want to respect your wishes. I have wished for years that there was a way to take it back and now to undo the hurt that I have caused you, but there is not.
I can tell you that I have thought about telling you several times, but I didn't want to harm your relationship anymore than I had; I decided to leave it to FWH to come to you with that information. I never told you because I knew what we did was wrong and I was foolishly trying to spare your feelings. I know that it may sound dumb, but that is what I thought. And then with MY H I have been going through that pain of knowing that your partner has cheated on you, I thought that if you didn't know you wouldn't hurt the way that I do. There is no excuse for what happened, please just know that I am not the same insecure, thoughtless person now that I was then. This has weighed on me for so long and I thank you for giving me the opportunity to apologize, you could have handled this so much differently.
I have only ever told a friend (who doesn't know you) and my priest what happened, I needed to repent for what I had done. You have always been such a great friend and I can't believe that I would do this to you, I was so stupid. Losing your friendship hurts so much more than any friendship I have ever lost and it may be too much to hope that you will be my friend again, I just pray that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I really do love you *GG*, and I hope that clearing the air with FWH will help your marriage.
I just don't know what to do about all of this... Drunken ONS... if they had come to me years ago and actually been remorseful.. maybe. But TWO drunken ONS in my home with me asleep in the other room and then they NEVER confess until yesterday!? I just don't know how to handle it!
I am so tired of this.
Status: trying again. What can I say? I must like the pain.
What she said(wss): I did call FWH to see if there was anyway you would be willing to talk to me
What she meant(wsm): I called FWH to find out exactly what he told you. We need to get out stories
strait you know!
wss: I decided to leave it to FWH to come to you with that information.
wsm: I never thought he would ever tell you. I thought our secret was safe!
wss: I never told you because I knew what we did was wrong and I was foolishly trying to spare your feelings
wsm:I didn't tell you because I wanted to be spared from your anger and disappointment in me
wss: And then with MY H I have been going through that pain of knowing that your partner has cheated on you
wsm: See??!! I am really a victim!
wss: I thank you for giving me the opportunity to apologize, you could have handled this so much differently.
wsm: Thank you for not killing me or outing me to my H
wss: I have only ever told a friend (who doesn't know you) and my priest what happened, I needed to repent for what I had done
wsm: God has forgiven me, now you should
I am a little biased, but this does not sound sincere. As you point out, it happened "accidentally" twice. That is no accident. And the whole "I didn't tell you to spare your feelings" is the biggest load of crap that either the WS or AP ever came up with. The truth is that they wanted to spare themselves the feeling of shame.
Cut off all contact with her. Do not respond to this email.
Also, did FWH tell you that he talked to her? If not then that is a huge red flag because he is not being transparent. Either way, question him about what he said to her, what she said to him, how long the call lasted, etc. It really bothers me that she called him first.
Yes, FWH told me she called. This "friend" has known us both for many, many years. She's been married for 2 years, has a new baby, etc... she really is not the same person she was when she had sex with my FWH 5 or 6 years ago. SO I do not feel threatened by her at all right now and I know she had good intentions calling my FWH (also she lives across the US).
With that said, I did tell my FWH that it doesn't matter that we both know her so well. Right now she has the same status and rules as the recent longer-term OW... NC. He gets that and he relayed their conversation.
I feel OK about it, and my gut has never been wrong.
However, I totally agree with your interpretations of her letter. It helps to have an outside opinion.
Thanks. Now I'm going to the gym to work off this anger
And I'm back with all the complications of a double betrayal again, and how can I possibly choose between a H and my family? They've both hurt me. Things are even more tense between FWH and my mom.
I can't sort all my feelings out and can't figure out if it's related to grief, the A, M problems, SAb. So much. And I have to just go on as I can't take more days away from my job and have 3 kids that need me.
Not sure what I'm posting here for...I feel bad for constantly venting and crying to you all here. It's just like this is my only safe place to speak freely and take off the muzzle and fake smile I feel the need to wear all day. My chance to feel and let it all out, I guess.
your story stings a bit for me because it is nearly identical to mine. my h had a drunken ONS with my best friend while I was asleep in the same house.
in my home with me asleep in the other room
I actually had to read this part over again to be sure that it wasn't from a post that I myself had made. I feel your pain...truly. And I am so, so very sorry for what you are going through.
I am sending you a PM because I know that you need a lot of support. I am not in a great position to give it but I hope that I can at least help some.
*sigh* it's just so awful to not be able to trust your friends and to be let down by the one person that promised to love you forever and be faithful.
It was a ONS while I was asleep in the same house.
Doesn't matter anymore. It's over.
Oh well, it felt good
You and I are the same age
Been married the same number of years
Dday is only about 2 weeks apart
OW happened to be friend...(although my H had only the one)
It was a drunken ONS...
In our own homes...
While we were sleeping.
We both have three children
I am sure there is more that I am forgetting...maybe you are really me in a parallel world (actually kinda depressing to think that, because then I know that it is fate that my H screwed my best friend )
About the letter she sent, I could actually see my former best friend sending me a very similar letter...except that she is too chickenshit to confront me even to apologize. However, if she had sent me that letter, I think I would have gone crazy mad and driven to her house to do all the things that I have only dreamed of doing to get back at her. I have imagined vandalizing her car so that she can't go anywhere without someone seeing what a backstabbing, whore she is. I have also dreamed of outing her to her entire family, and every one of her friends on facebook. *sigh*
My H and I are in MC to work on things but some days I feel like I am incapable of recovering from this and the whole thing is pointless.
Why am I here?
[This message edited by amott at 8:42 AM, October 1st (Thursday)]
See, it's strange, but I am not really angry or wanting revenge against the "friend" who had the ONS. I cut off ties from her, but I haven't said anything mean or hurtful, just told her to go away.
I think I'm too busy being angry with my FWH longer-term OW (Feb-July of this year and it was EA and PA), so all of my emotional energy is going into hating her. (The OW that was fishing last night was the longer-term one, not the ONS, and boy did she get a mean e Mail, LOL)
Other than being sad that my "friend" would betray me (twice) and lie to me for years... I haven't felt any anger for her yet... also she lives on the other side of the country, so it's not like I have to be near her.
I have had a crappy morning though and think I'm just gonna go cry it out.
The thing is, she was such a slut. Seven guys, other than her own husband in a little over a year! I am so glad that she didn't give him anything. (Yes, I had the tests done).
I had a friend, who I really and truly thought was a very good friend of mine, considered her second best. She and her husband lived a little less than two hours away and would visit and stay the weekend often with our family, but what we were really planning was for them to find jobs here in our town so we could be in walking distance at the very least. She and I even used to daydream about them buying the house behind us so that we could put in a gate and it would be even better! Knowing now who she really was, or is, looking back on all of it makes me spin and spin - was she really daydreaming about screwing my husband ever so conveniently?
I mean, I made her wedding dress, bought, made and set up all the centerpieces, embossed and handmade every invitation, bought two big wedding tents, all the floral; my H went online and became a “pastor” and married them. I really just can't believe all of this and I spin and spin and my anger is so intense I do not know what to do with it.
So about a month ago, Dday #1, they were in town and that Saturday night we put a movie on. I, like always, fell asleep on the floor. At some point though I woke up, looked around and her H was asleep on the couch, but she and my H were nowhere in the room. She is a smoker, so I looked outside - nope…my heart is racing now…I open the office door where her and her H stay and there she is legs wide open, underwear still on, but wide open, and my H is sitting on the side of the bed pulling his hand away from her. She rolls over and mumbles something and acts like she is sleeping. I start screaming like a lunatic, telling him to get out, asking him what the F@($K, but he was totally silent. She comes out of the office acting all disoriented asking what is going on and I am screaming, “he was in there touching you, I saw him touching you!” and she still acts like she was asleep and runs into the bathroom. He still wont give me any answers and I am asking if she was asleep or not and he is not talking at all. She comes out again and I ask her if she was asleep, but of course I am screaming like a lunatic, so is she going to admit it, of course not. Again she claims she has no idea what was going on until I came in screaming. In my rage, I called the cops. If he was touching her while she was sleeping, he needs to go to jail. She tells me not to call, but of course still says she was sleeping.
He goes outside to wait for them and I am still acting like a crazy person screaming at him what was he thinking touching her while she was sleeping, what is wrong with you, etc. She comes out and tries to beg me to not call, but I am yelling about oh hell no, he touched you while you were sleeping, he needs to go to jail. Again, she goes crying into the house.
The cops come, I show them to her and hear her as she tells them this story about how she was asleep and the next thing she knows I am screaming that he was touching her in her sleep and she is crying and acting crazy. By this time her H had finally woken up. I went to sit in the kitchen and her husband went out to smoke.
One cop tells me that my H is saying it was consensual, but she is claiming to them her little story. Third cop comes in to talk to her and her H comes into the kitchen and is standing with me when the cop comes out and tells us that pretty much she finally confessed to them that it was consensual. They asked what I wanted to do and of course, I wanted them OUT! Can they leave my husband, will he be safe, they ask? NO! I'm raging mad.
Two days later I am driving home and decide to call her to ask her if anything else had ever happened between them since my H was claiming nothing ever had. She swore nothing ever happened and that she did not invite him into that room like my H was claiming, but that she admits that she felt him touch her and did not stop him. But swore nothing else ever.
BUT a couple years earlier when they were in for a visit I had of course fallen asleep, but woke up around 4am to an empty bed. We had a few other local friends over that night as well who were scattered on couches and the floor; but all the lights were off in the house, and in the backyard, and as I come into the living room, in come H and MOW. I asked what they were doing and they both said just talking. I kept H up for hours asking what happened, having this gut feeling, and he kept claiming nothing and he would never do that, let him sleep, yada, yada. The next day was fairly normal, they stayed until 8pm or so before going home and it wasn’t until days later that she start accusing me of judging her and deleted me from her Myspace. Looking back now, and with what I know now, she was blame shifting. If I had known the truth, hell yes I would be judgmental the little #(*&$*&@!!!!! On the real Dday, after the trickle truths where he told me that night she started by rubbing his leg, worked her way up, touched him, and kissed him - but he stopped her - and then they went outside where they talked about how much they both loved me and that it would never happen again. So awesome to know how they had their little pact.
A couple weeks later I start questioning him again, why would he stop her, is there anything else to tell me; you must tell me the truth now, etc. He admits that she gave him a BJ that night and one other time, but “that's it.” He even invited me to call her to confirm, which I quickly did, but of course she had been avoiding my calls.
WELLLLLL now let's fast forward to the REAL Dday, the next morning. It was still just eating me up. Every time I got more facts I had to beat them out of him, I had to ask specific questions and it was driving me crazy. So he finally says “we kind of did it.” Kind of? No, the other night when I caught them in the office was post “kind of doing it.” And there was no kind of about it. She had worked her wormy little hands up his pants again and got him all worked up and the idiot is sitting there letting her, while I am sleeping literally feet away on the floor and her H is asleep behind her on the couch! Then she get up and goes out to smoke and he goes out with her, where of course it quickly led to her having intercourse with my husband. THEN they went into the office. Must need more I suppose….and she was going to let him go to jail for touching her in her sleep! She is incredible!
Oh yeah and of course that time two years earlier, they did their thing in the bathroom because you know, those other friends of ours kept stirring in their sleep and disturbing their little party. It wasn’t until after the kissing, BJ, and going into the bathroom for a quickie that they went outside to talk about how much they LOVED ME and wouldn’t do it again and wont tell me. Yeah, except for the stuff that was going to happen after that.
I guess there was this other in between time when her H was at another friends house and she had come to spend the night at ours. The kids had stayed at my mom’s since we all went to a show the night before, so in the morning when I went to get the kids, she gave him another BJ. Then they sat down and finished their coffee and greeted the kids minutes later. My mom doesn’t live more than a mile away. I wasn’t gone long.
Still today she refuses to admit she did anything. She is still telling anyone who knows anything at all that she did not ask him into the office and that she was asleep. She claims he came onto her. Now, he has lied to me so much I really could not say I know for sure that isn't true, but I know he is telling more truth than her and he has admitted that the quickie BJ was brought on by him, so I guess I want to believe him there, but I really do not know. How can I? How can I believe anything that he says? How can I believe these were the only three encounters in the two years since the first time? Was that the first time? How do you go from friends to being comfortable enough to have intercourse like that? My head just spins. I do not get it. Something doesn’t jive.
I really only want the truth. ALL of it and now so I can move on. I swear if I have to hear anything new down the road I will completely explode. I could not get any more hurt or down than I am, so now is the time, I need all of the truth. But how can I believe I have it? At some point she will probably decide to free herself of her burden and tell the truth, but it will probably be years and years to come.
I am worried about me right now though. The anger I have inside is so intense that I keep having visions of doing awful, awful things to her. I think I really just want her to admit it, to be sorry in some way, but I know she has made excuses and reasons in her head to justify this and is possibly even beginning to believe her own lies. It infuriates me beyond belief. I finally deleted her from my phone since I do not think that my daily texts asking her things like “will you be able to look in the mirror today?” are helping me at all. I just keep poking hoping for an answer I guess and I do not know why. I need to focus on my family and knowing the truth, understanding on some level why he could do this to me and still love me, and hopefully growing and healing. It just seems hard to do with this dagger in my back that has her name engraved on the handle. If she could just pull it out, the bleeding will slow and the wound will begin to heal. But she just wont. After all I have done for her, I do not get why she wont just admit it. Just stop putting salt in my wound by lying that it wasn’t consensual. Spreading vicious lies on top of it all? WHY?!?!?!?!
Is it not bad enough this has happened, now I have to distance myself from our mutual friends that she is spreading these lies to? People are believing this about him. Its insane! She has always been very promiscuous and he has always been so sweet. Our relationship has been strained with work and the kids and an imbalance of responsibilities; and she has had all the inside information from both sides and manipulated us so perfectly. He is a frickin IDIOT for falling for her. For MOW to do this to me, I do not trust any other woman OR my husband. Its crazy, I mean, if you knew us all and how much they both act(ed) like and profess(ed) their love, undying intense love, for me, this is just mindblowing.
Did I mention they never used protection and I await my test results? YEAH! Fun, fun! I know of at least HPV since she talks about it like it is a new CD release or something, but who knows what else! And of course H & I went through hysterical bonding afterwards and before he admitted the truth, so I have been subjected to infection over and over and over again. His one last stab. I have been so faithful, always have been. Always thought about how I am glad we met young because there was so much disease and I did not know if I could handle the knowledge of my husband being with other people before me - and bam! He does it DURING our marriage! He is with someone DURING our marriage. And a promiscuous diseased person and without protection! OMG!
I think I am done for today. I was struggling so much with wanting to send her nasty emails or texts, but I know it isn't helping. I was literally shaking with rage at work today and it got noticed by one of my employees and how do you explain that away? It was obvious something was wrong in my face and I was shaking. I went downstairs and ran for 15 minutes, but it did not help the intense rage inside me.
I need to distance as much as possible and I have to let go of the friends who are buying her story, but it is hard. I wasn’t ready for this, not that I ever would have been. I do not want to give them up. It isn't fair. I did not do anything wrong and I have to lose friends because of what they did and her lies. It isn't fair!
I sat here, happy with my life and friends, trusting my H and her, loving them - and out of nowhere my world spun out of control. I was losing everything and this is all just too much. I want the movies to stop playing in my head. I want the visions of doing something bad to her that will land me in Hell for all eternity to stop. I know someday she will slip up again since she is such a [horribly expletive word], and then everyone will finally know who was telling the truth, but that day can't come soon enough for me.
Wait, I said I was done for today…. Even if no one reads this, I feel better putting it out there. Double betrayal is so awful and she just wont quit with it. Karma, please, I am such a giving, honest, loving person, I beg of you give back to me by giving back to her the black karma that is coming her way. I need it now. Please. I can't wait. Out her black karma, out her please. I can't lose anything or anyone more.
But yeah, at some point you have to vomit out the rage or it will eat you alive. She's not worth it. No nasty slut who will fuck another man literally in front of her friend and her own husband is worth any of your precious bile!
eta-- the OW in my case too, I actually cried at her "I'm a fairy princess I demand unicorns and rainbows" wedding just a few years ago! Thinking about it now makes me laugh. What a whore!
[This message edited by jolene at 12:21 PM, October 5th (Monday)]
My head spins whenever I think of it.
I think this is why I just really don't believe in BS's forgiveness of the OP. I just can't imagine that someone so devoid of a sense of morality could ever appreciate forgiveness.
[This message edited by jolene at 11:43 AM, October 9th (Friday)]
I think there is a special kind of twisted that allows a person to do this kind of damage and think nothing of it-- or worse, be guilt-ridden but do it anyway.
often the ow/friend is jealous of you and wants your life. So they think that by fucking your H they can have your life. She says hurtful things to you to try to get rid of you. She says hurtful things about you to your H to try to get him to ditch you.
It is very very twisted and very very sick. YOU are not the awful person, SHE is!!
Then they went for a hike and at a bridge she said, so are you going to kiss me?
She asked him over to help her with something while her BH was out of town and then initiated the first physical encounter. When WH didn't want to do it anymore she told him the damage was already done.
MC told me that my WH has this innocence about him and had it not been for her, it wouldn't have happened. She said OW is a SA and a romance addict. OW would pick fights and then come back all sweet. That is how she kept the romance alive. I think WH liked her to apologize and want him again. I'm not saying this wouldn't have happened had another woman like her come along.
WH could be lying about all of this but looking through the phone records and the way he told the story, not rehearsed, not totally blaming OW, and keeping the details exactly the same everytime I asked him, I feel that this is probably how things progressed. Plus she is a serial cheater.
She made fun of my appearance and my personality and I thought she was my friend. I was nothing but kind to her. We even gave her some things like a trampoline and I let WH go help her whenever she called. Sometimes it was about her 13 year old son who was out of control.
I want her to feel bad about what she did to me and my family. Of course she doesn't. She's not even being nice to her BH.
I could have gotten her fired. I could have sent a mass facebook message to her family and friends. She always has to have the appearance that her life is perfect.
I guess maybe I will be happier than her in the end because how can someone like that he happy?
Married 27 years. Together 29.
3 children 24, 21, 14
OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.