I wasn't going to let that bitch win...no matter what it took.
At the beginning, this was my ONLY motivation for Ring!
A couple of updates-- FWH told me recently that the OW pissed him off with her constant neediness. This confession happened after a barbecue we had with some friends. One of the guests said they'd seen FWH every day on the road to work last school year, and he was always on the phone... he mumbled something about being a hard worker. Later I asked him what was up with that and he said it was because he had to call Whore every morning or she'd pitch a bitch. That's when he said, "Yeah, she was really needy."
Other tidbit is, the OW is grooming a new married OM-- this one through his wife as well, who's heavily pregnant. Just like she did with me, she's chatting up the W, going to lunch, talking about her crappy M and all. OW works with the husband, is fast becoming his work wife. How original! I wonder how long it'll take her to screw up their marriage.
FWH once said that I couldn't call the OW a whore because she had once been m friend. Yeah, back when she wasn't fucking my husband, MAYBE she wasn't a whore, but once they started on the slippery slope, all bets were off. If it fucks like a whore and lies like a whore, it's probably a whore.
God, every time I think I'm getting close to indifference, I swing back to hatred.
It was a ONS while I was asleep in the same house.
Doesn't matter anymore. It's over.
This is not the first time I have been hurt by a man, but it is the first time I have been betrayed by a friend. It might be unfair, but I've always expected more from women. We are supposed to be the heart of our home, the one who thinks of the good of the unit before acting. The one who considers the "big picture".
I know just how you feel, it's strange, but I'm finding it easier to understand why my H cheated (not forgive, accept or anything like that, still working on THAT), but 'understand'...for OW who was a close friend? I'm still sort of in shock.
I think to myself "friends don't do this to friends" and then have to force myself to accept that she WASN'T my friend, although I was hers.
I'm laughing here about the slap in the face...OW in our case had the misfortune to arrive at our house minutes after I listened to the tape that caught them, I had already called my H, but he hadn't made it home yet.
She was totally caught off guard, and while I didn't slap her, I was pretty cutting in my words. But I DID offer to let her have my H, she didn't answer that at all.
This is not the first time I have been hurt by a man, but it is the first time I have been betrayed by a friend. It might be unfair, but I've always expected more from women.
It took me a LONG time to get over this fact as well.
I think in my situation, I had told SIL about the troubles I was having my M which made the betrayal even worse, because she had inside knowledge about what H could be unhappy about and whether she used it or not, she knew. To me, it was like kicking me when I was down.
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
The little ho kept digging for info from me about personal things. I never realized that she was going to make a play for my H.
Crude maybe but it felt so good to hear that what OW did was not right at all and was a huge betrayal of the very CONCEPT of friendship.
Then BFF and I laughed and laughed! And I promised her that I'd never, ever, not in a bajillion years, fuck her husband either.
So SOME women can be trusted... it's just hard to make the selection.
Sadly I can't trust what anyone tells me. My best friend had her previous best friend to this to her and then when I suspected she had slept with my husband she assured me that she knew what it was like to be hurt like this and she would NEVER do it to me. Turns out she had done it just a few minutes before she told me this and I actually believed her.
She wanted my life - now she's got my husband and is pregnant. But it sure as hell isn't MY life or what i would want. I have a job - she doesn't. I have my self respect - she doesn't. I have a ton of new and decent friends - she has a serial adulterer who will inevitably let her down, no friends (because other female friends obviously give her a wide birth).
She's looking dreadful and my husband looks like he has cancer. He's aged terribly over the year - working all hours god sends in the panic that he has to support her and the child.
I'm glad and wish them nothing but misery.
My so-called best friend worked with my H, she was in his office a lot, and I did become suspicious when she was calling him all of the time, asking for random help with things that HER H should be helping her with. I was pregnant and just thought my hormones were getting the best of me...should have trusted my gut.
The A started in 2007 and continued in 2008 while I was pregnant and couldn't have sex per Dr's orders (nice). She had the nerve to continue to be best buds (Keep your enemies closer I guess) - she was over at my house constantly , chatted with me on the phone, even threw me a baby shower. Completely faking it the whole time. How I wish I would have found out about the A before I moved 2000 miles away so I could confront her about it.
The 2nd OW happened just this past spring. Her and her H are swingers. He called my H and asked him to go to their house and take care of his wife. Never in a million years did I think the man I married would actually do something like that - I thought I knew everything about him but apprently I was wrong. He says he did it because "he wouldn't stop asking me too"...seriously? What kind of fucking excuse is that? You could have said NO!
I am just disgusted with him and the decisions he has made. There is no excuse for his behavior. He could have said NO to the women praying on him. He acted like a damn 15-yr old hormonal teenager. He said he thought we were getting divorced which is why he had the 1st A. So I have asked him - the next time we are on the rocks, will I have to worry about him going out and having his way with the first woman who "actually shows that she cares about him?" I have flat out told him that he has a serious problem keeping his dick in his pants. Even now, the second I act happy he pounces on me like a dog in heat and thinks I want to have sex.
[This message edited by ams02 at 12:22 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]
So sorry to find you here, but you've come to the right place - you'll find lots of support here.
First off I should say that OW was my sister. I know her twin knows, my mom probably knows but she doesn't know details. Now those 3 hate my husband completely. My mom always says rude comments and I've realized that she NEEDS to create drama even when it doesn't exist. I long ago stopped saying anything to her about my husband (esp. negative things) yet she'll call and say crap like "Why was he driving to XXX town today? I saw him getting the mail. Did he leave you & the kids alone?" If he's there it's worse, she has to let something slip out like "I sure hope he makes you dinner and has it ready for you when you come home." FWH knows I don't support this, but then he'll specifically NOT help out at home as a subconscious F-U to my mother. Well, it's ME that's getting hurt here!
My nephew (OW's son) has been in trouble and it's been worse lately, with him going (back) to juvy and a few suicide attempts and banging his head on the floor, etc. and he's 16. But all FWH will say is insults about his former mistress' parenting skills, so I don't feel I can talk with him about MY worries over my nephew.
Both of my sisters have major health problems and I want to stay connected with them b/c who knows when/if I'll see them next. But I stopped contacting OW/sis#2 when she had the nerve to send me a joke about killing a cheater. Very bad choice. Now I hear from her twin/sis#1 that she's in bad health (Crohn's attack) and extra stressed out over her son being in the psych ward.
I want to be there for her and be a good sister, but I also don't want her to think that means I've forgiven her. Same with my mom, I want to support her with all her worries over her grandson, but she makes things worse in my relationship w/ FWH. And sis#1 straight up said I was married to a douschebag and he's done nothing but keep me down.
Even when he's treating me badly, I don't discuss it w/ my family cuz of their involvement in the problem. So, I want to turn to them and help them out, but how do I negotiate these delicate boundaries?
I was always the peacemaker in my family-- not the same dynamic as you have since OW was a "friend", but still, I know what a peacemaker does and feels like she needs to do. You're killing yourself by trying to be kind to everyone. Unfortunately in this world you can't be friends with everyone, and sometimes family members need to be cut off like gangrene before their sickness spread to you.
Why are you trying to heal everybody else's wounds?
Who takes care of YOU?
All I mean by this is that you have a lot on your plate with the A, and it seems like your family has taken the easy way out-- blame your FWH and make YOUR life hell. Your Mom needs to STFU. Your sisters need to take control over their own lives.
You can be compassionate but there is nothing you can do to make them better, just like it's not in your capacity to make your nephew better.
I may sound mean as hell, but you need to be more selfish. Get your family off of your conscience; they're all grown up, and if they aren't, they should be.
I'm saying all this as someone who has had to let go of certain relationships with family members who just did nothing good for me (sexually abusive brother, toxic stepmother, father who let stepmother run all over his kids).
Find some peace for yourself and I bet that the others will grow the hell up and rise to their challenges. And if they don't, it is not your fault.
I've let go of my family in many ways--moved to another town, invite them into my life on MY terms (I don't go out with them, but will occasionally ask my mom to come to my house and watch my kids here.) But the hardest is the emotional link, as you put it I have their actions in MY conscience. Psychologically this is really deep from childhood where I was literally held responsible for my sisters' actions. But I'm NOT a child anymore and need to move on from this for my own healing.
THank you, thank you, thank you for reminding me that the answer isn't to keep being generous ONLY to others, but to do it for myself. I keep following the bad patterns myself, by giving too much.
Kudos to you, hon. It's haaaard to break the old patterns. Really, really hard. It's like leaving your own personality behind, and there is some positive value in being the one who keeps the peace-- that's how they "keep" you in that position, by praising your rational thinking and willingness to help others, while you slowly die inside and neglect your own needs.
I'm lucky in a way because I live very, very far away from my FOO (another continent and 9 hours in a plane far), yet I still find myself embroiled in their drama from time to time. It's usually easy for me to put the phone down and think, "Done for this month."
There is a difference in being supportive to someone and in solving all their problems for them. Took me a long time to realize that, and it seems you've had that realization too. I think being the peacemaker had some responsibility in the A for me; just wanting everything to be okay in my M, not make waves, to let my H have his "friend" w/o poking my nose in. Damn FOO!
Being held responsible for other's actions just sucks. Nothing fair about that. But it happens because people don't have the parenting skills to accept their own authority and responsibility as parents. Blame the oldest because it's easier than disciplining the youngest or the whiniest (or the most violent or the most "fragile"); they create a martyr who's willing to eat a shit sandwich just to keep the peace in their place. It's not healthy for the peacemaker, the parents, or the ones who get off scott free. Hello, dysfunction...
I posted in R about some issues in my M that have been coming up, but for the sake of length I didn't post those here! Part of what was eating at me was that I have been actively defending my H to my family but in some ways they're right. He is treating me like shit. FOO issues ironically have taught me to keep taking it!
It's been almost a year since D-Day. But basic patterns haven't change. I thought many had, but a lot of that was "just for appearance." I don't know if FWH is capable of being truly unselfish for a long period of time. He still hasn't acknowledged my birthday that was 3 weeks ago when I specifically told him to do something for me after he forgot that day. He hasn't been wearing wedding ring to work and lied about stopping by a friend's house, his best friend's sister, but she's still a girl AND HE LIED ABOUT IT AND BLAME-SHIFTED over it! I don't think he cheated, but the fact that he doesn't see anything wrong with what he did makes me fear that he is incapable of ever sharing the same expectations of marriage as I do.
Just like I have to *let go* of my family's issues, I have to let go of responsibility for FWH's actions. My instinct is to investigate again, but finding something out isn't even the problem! I'm going to continue (and better implement) 180, with the mindset that it's for me, not about changing his actions. I will observe his response, without acting like a parent to him, and see what happens.
Thank you for the 2x4; it hit harder in my dream than it did here!
I am writing her an E Mail to tell her that I know... could you all give me your opinion on it?
I know about you having sex with my husband... twice. It came out because FWH and I are going through counseling and working through a lot of marital issues and he volunteered the information so we would not have any secrets between us.
I do not want this to get out- I donít desire my family or children to ever hear about this. I would hope that you could respect me in this way, but since you seem to have no respect for me and my marriage, I wonít count on it. I have no intention of telling your husband since he was not in the picture at the time of your affair(s) with FWH. If anyone else does know about this (**** or anyone) I would like to know so I can minimize the damage.
I know we havenít been really close over the last few years, but I do not desire to continue being friends. Friends donít behave this way with other peopleís husbands and then lie by omission for years and years. What you participated in could break up my marriage, but it absolutely breaks up our friendship. Please do not call me. If you want to discuss this you can e Mail me.
What do you think? Also, I feel like a hypocrite wanting to R with my FWH and wanting her to jump off a cliff... is that normal?
Thanks. I still feel like
Status: trying again. What can I say? I must like the pain.
I understand your desire to contact her. Perhaps you should. But I want to caution you on giving too much information. Here is why
You and FWH are in MC and he says he does not want to have any secrets. He may truly want that. But he may still be trying to "soften" the blow by not giving you the entire truth about his relationship with this OW. Therefore, be vague about the details. Just state that you know she slept with your H and you want nothing more to do with her. How about this:
I know about you having sex with my husband. It came out because FWH and I are going through counseling and working through a lot of marital issues and he volunteered the information so we would not have any secrets between us.
I realize that it is in your best interest and it is my desire to keep this issue private. I have no plans to inform anyone, including your H.
I do not desire to continue being friends. Friends donít behave this way with other peopleís husbands and then lie by omission for years and years. What you participated in could break up my marriage, but it absolutely breaks up our friendship. Please do not call me. If you want to discuss this you can e Mail me.
Keep it business like and to the point. She may (or may not) give you info that your FWH has not. Or she may confirm what he has said. He she may stay silent. She may go into attack mode. Whatever she does, take it with a grain of salt. Because you are correct, a friend does not behave in the manner that she did.
Do not feel like a hypocrite. Your relationship with her is very different than your relationship with your spouse. You have built your life and future around your spouse and you are trying to salvage that. You did not build a life or future with OW, even before she was OW. And she is certainly NOT a friend!
Wow, this really hasn't sunk in yet... this girl has been friends with me for almost my whole life, and since this happened 5 or so years ago, this girl and I have continued to be friends (I just found out about drunken ONSs today). I was in her wedding just 2 years ago!
I hadn't really referred to her yet as an OW. But, I guess she was.
Yikes, I am in my own fog, I think. This has been a lot to process after the year of HELL I have had.