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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
disillusioned1
♀ Member
Member # 24670
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, July 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new here. I'm comforted and saddened at the same time to see so many others with stories similar to mine... I walked in on H and OW (one of my best friends) messing around on the couch in a darkened room at 3:30 in the morning two Saturdays ago. We were staying overnight for a visit at the OW's home. I had left a light on the nightstand on for him and woke at 3:30 wondering why it was still on...

I am a smart ass when I am hurt. My reaction to them was "Hey, don't let me disturb anything--you two look busy" in a very sarcastic tone. I went to the guest bedroom, grabbed my bags, encountered H in the hallway and demanded the keys to his SUV. I said I couldn't stay there for the night. To his credit, he left with me and we drove home that night (an hour away.)

He answered the questions I asked him... Was this the firs time? "No, there were maybe 2 or 3 other times before this." When did it start? "In the winter." Blah, blah, blah... I guess if he wanted to, he could have lied and said this was the first time... I don't know what to think.

He says he didn't "connect the dots" that this would hurt me. He said he felt like a failure in many ways and she offered him validation--it wasn't anything against me. He never intended to leave me for her and never imagined that it would continue or that he would lose me in the process. I question whether someone who can't connect the dots that this would hurt me really has any sensitivity at all toward what someone else in a M relationship has the right to expect.

The OW is married and has an 11 year old daughter; we were all there in the house asleep when this was going on. I have been friends with the OW for 14 years; with my husband for 12. (She introduced us--we met at her wedding 12 years ago.)

I feel such incredible betrayal. I'm not sure I'll ever trust anyone again. A spouse is hard enough, but the double betrayal is beyond my wildest imagination. I feel like such an idiot that I was right there and this was happening under my nose.


BS (me) - 45
WH - 51
Together since 6/24/97 (met at OW's wedding--ouch!)
Married - 12/23/02
D Day- 6/21/09

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
brokenhearted512
♀ Member
Member # 21456
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, July 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

disillusioned, I want you to to know you are heard, I too know what you are going through, if you need anyone to talk to, please IM me, I can try to help. It is 10 mos since my D day. This is a really hard time for me now, because last year this time is when they were together. My mind movies is driving me crazy.
I'm here for you, so if want to ask me anything, or go over anything, please write back.


me BS 51
H WH 52
ow my COUSINS WIFE!!!
D Day 8/19/08
R since D Day, going to IC and MC

Posts: 141 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Chicago
jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

disillusioned, sorry you're here!

What a horrible way to find out about the A.

The way I see it is that you actually have something going for you-- your H left with you, so there's not the "But I WUV her!" bullhockey going on.

You said the OW is married. It's time to get medieval on her ass and tell her H. Yes, even if he's a friend-- ESPECIALLY if he's a friend. He deserves to know what has been going on and to make his own decisions concerning his marriage.

I too got the "I didn't think you'd ever find out" line. Yeah, right.

Impose your needs right now--marriage counseling, individual counseling, whatever you think you will need. And hang on for the ride.

The OW in my case too was a friend, a close one, who abused every piece of information I had ever told her to gaslight me and continue her affair. She and my H talked about where they would fuck in my house (but never got the chance, thank God, or this bitch of a house woulda burned on D-Day ). She asked him to wear one of the shirts my MOTHER gave him on their next tryst. Disgusting, crazy shit like that hurts so bad, I don't know if I can ever get over it.

Double betrayal is like having your spouse plunge the knife in you and your best friend/family member twist it around real good. Twice the gaslighting, twice the lying, and IMHO twice the pain.

Keep posting. You did the right thing getting out of there. Don't let this cow back into your lives!


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
down4now
♀ Member
Member # 23635
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((disillusioned)))

Sorry your here. H and OW/friend fooled around in our house (just kisses and cuddles) every time I walked out of the room. She stayed with us several times and I didn't have a clue...I sometimes wish I had walked in on them kissing before they launched into their PA but they were sooo careful.

My heart goes out to you...I'm a few months out and feeling incredible rage and violence towards OW that I just cannot shake, I'm just thankful that she lives so far away or I might have ended up in court.

He said he felt like a failure in many ways and she offered him validation--it wasn't anything against me. He never intended to leave me for her and never imagined that it would continue or that he would lose me in the process.

This could have been my H. He had the choice to talk to me about his depression and anxieties but he decided to 'deal with it later' if it ever came out and pursue his own selfish wants. She encouraged him and was determined to have him for herself, whatever the cost, smiling to my face and badmouthing me behing my back. Some friend.


BS (me) 44
WS (him)45
Married 21yrs, Together 25 yrs
Children boy 14, girl 19
D-Day(s)26th Feb, 1st March, 12th March 2009
5 Month EA/PA
OW: 52,former friend.
NC 4th March 09. Broken by OW 13th Aug, 20th Nov
On the road to R

Posts: 837 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: UK
TACS27
♀ New Member
Member # 24699
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well sorry to say, but I'm glad to learn that I'm not the only one who's husband slept with a so called good friend of mine,she was also a mom in my playgroup so our kids lost their friends too. One of the other mom's in the group knew about the A and felt compelled to keep it to herslef and on some level even supported it... such a mess... on top of discovery, we (my kids and I ) lost our weekly playgroup..but fortunately most members sided with me and we have formed our own group...I don't consider ow (obviously) my friend anymore nor the other 2 faced beyotch that supported the A to begin with. Hubby and I are trying to save our marriage, but it is so hard sometimes...

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Southern US
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, July 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((disillusioned1))

I discovered the A in much the same way. OW was a house guest, her and her DD's. I found them at 3AM in the guest room with no clothes on. They claimed that "nothing happened". I think I would have killed them is if my DD was not in the next room (with her DD!)

((TACS27))

I am glad that you found support in the play group.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17264 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, July 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SIL/OW is pregnant.

Don't know really what else to say at this point.

oh, except, it is BIL's


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, July 8th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

funny story, I posted in your thread in General.. but still...WTF???!!!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17264 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
disillusioned1
♀ Member
Member # 24670
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, July 12th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the messages. Wow--I am amazed and saddened by how many others have had to suffer this indignity. We had our first MC session on Friday and it did not go so well--I go through stretches of "normalcy", but then I get unbelievably outraged and angry.

I met this "friend" a few years before she introduced me to my H. (They had known each other since they were 12 years old, but never had a romantic relationship.) I didn't write this in my original post, but in my haste to exit the OW's home, I forgot my purse. Once I realized it, I had to knock on the door to be let back in... She said my name and tried talking to me. I slapped her across the face (I have never done this to anyone in my life!!!) and said "Thanks for introducing me to my husband so you could f*@k him!" Well, I found out later that must have jarred the husband from his slumber and he now "knows." Besides calling the OW the day after, I believe my H has maintained the NC rule.

H conceded that this "friendship" was not healthy for either of us for some time now and that in the future, if we are to continue on, we need to seek out friendships that are pro "us" and pro marriage in general. (These friends, the OW and her, were always bickering and the OW tried to get both me and my H to side with her against her hubby who is really not a bad guy.) The other creepy thing I didn't mention before is that the OW's 11 year old daughter was also sleeping in the house at the time. My H and I are her god parents. I feel bad that the girl is a casualty in this (she calls us "aunt" and "uncle" and we have always been very close), but I don't see a way around that right now. Can't think about anything beyond getting through the day, week, etc.

[This message edited by disillusioned1 at 9:56 PM, July 12th (Sunday)]


BS (me) - 45
WH - 51
Together since 6/24/97 (met at OW's wedding--ouch!)
Married - 12/23/02
D Day- 6/21/09

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
shock&disbelief
♀ New Member
Member # 24150
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, July 18th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story was 1st posted in Just found out Forum. Glad I found this forum. WH was friends with OW. I knew her as an aquaintance. She and her son are in "kids group" with my WH and our son. He encouraged us to be friends! We started hanging out together (she is married). She and her son would stay over. Boys having sleepover. Short story, found out A Feb 09. My question is...has anybody told the other BS about the A? OW won't tell her husband. Should I? Looking for advice.


BS (me)-39
WS (him)-43
D-day 2/9/2009
M-17 yrs
Together-23 years
4 kids
3 yr old boy, 7yr old girl, 11 yr old boy, 16 yr old girl
Status: still together, stopped counseling after 6 months. Taking one day at a time.

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Jacksonville
jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, July 19th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shock&disbelief, DEFINITELY DO TELL the OW's.

OW begged me through my H not to tell her H, because he'd be so hurt. WTF? I am not the one who hurt him.

The first thing I did after I found their secret emails was to send them to her husband.

He has the right to know the truth. That is maybe the most damaging thing about an affair-- not being able to make one's own choices with ALL the information, losing the control over your own life.

In my situation, the OWH didn't ever respond to me other than a short email "Okay, it's taken care of." Not another word out of him. BUT-- it brought their A out into the light and stopped the bullshit romanticism.

Tell the OWH, either by yourself or with your H. He needs to know, and who cares if the OW is pissed? It's not about getting revenge, it's about letting another person make his own decisions without having the wool pulled over his eyes.


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
mepe27
♀ Member
Member # 18158
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, August 2nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we are in a unique situation, if suddenly we are not friends with these people anymore their BS is probably aware of something going on.

I think the BS has a right to know, especially if we are friends with the BS as well. I offered to tell BS what I knew and he said no, he did not want to talk to me. I honored that. He knew his wife had some sort of affair, he knew it was with my H, my responsibility to him is done at that point. If he ever called and asked me, I would tell him whatever he wanted to know.

So I say, offer to talk to the BS, you don't have to forward all the emails or proof if you are concerned about hurting him/her but just the offer of honesty is enough in my opinion.


Me BW-39
H WH-41
Married for 10 years
Two boys 6yrs, 3yrs
D-Day 12/1/07
Got whole painful truth 2/2/08
5/15/2008 EA with co-worker, I left
6/1/08 - We are committing to R
"One falsehood destroys a thousand truths"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Georgia
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey guys - there are a few newbies in JFO that could use our support...


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, August 12th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumping for svvs


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, August 12th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

disillusioned1
So sorry to find you here.
((hugs))


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
brokenhearted512
♀ Member
Member # 21456
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, August 12th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

disillusioned1 so sorry for your hurt. Hope the counseling is going better. If you need someone to talk to. I'm here. I feel for you. I too am the godmother to OW youngest. I don't know how they could do this. What were they thinking???


me BS 51
H WH 52
ow my COUSINS WIFE!!!
D Day 8/19/08
R since D Day, going to IC and MC

Posts: 141 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Chicago
BreathingAgain
♀ New Member
Member # 25031
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, August 14th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The MOW in my case was our "friend". All those "girl talks" were just ways for her to get info to use against me.

I did love my husband and wanted my marriage to work, but I have to admit my hatred for her was a big motivator for me in the beginning.

I wasn't going to let that bitch win...no matter what it took.

Did any of you have the same feelings?


Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2009
down4now
♀ Member
Member # 23635
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, August 16th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Breathing Again

The MOW in my case was our "friend". All those "girl talks" were just ways for her to get info to use against me.
I did love my husband and wanted my marriage to work, but I have to admit my hatred for her was a big motivator for me in the beginning.

I wasn't going to let that bitch win...no matter what it took.

Did any of you have the same feelings?

Not the major motivator, but hell, yes, there was no way that manipulative selfish woman was getting her hands on My Husband (I told her so in a very restrained e-mail, my only contact with her), MY children or OUR business, all of which she wanted to one degree or another. I feel nothing but sublime hatred for her at the moment, especailly as she has been 'fishing' for the 1st time in almost 6 months, this week.


BS (me) 44
WS (him)45
Married 21yrs, Together 25 yrs
Children boy 14, girl 19
D-Day(s)26th Feb, 1st March, 12th March 2009
5 Month EA/PA
OW: 52,former friend.
NC 4th March 09. Broken by OW 13th Aug, 20th Nov
On the road to R

Posts: 837 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: UK
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, August 16th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't going to let that bitch win...no matter what it took.

Yes. In the end, my X and OW did get M. It did not last. It was a disaster. Why? Because she wanted MY life. But she could never have my life, in the end she was still stuck with hr miserable life. As a "bonus" she got a shell of a man that was no longer the man I M, in any way shape or form. She turned him into a guilt-ridden lying cheat.

They tried to make the fantasy a reality and but it was just all smoke and mirrors. 4 years after dday, I am mostly healed; OW is back in her miserable little life looking for her next victim; and X is a very broken soul.

My point is that no matter what, the unremorseful OW does not and cannot win. They will always be the miserable little creatures that they are destined to be.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17264 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
BreathingAgain
♀ New Member
Member # 25031
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, August 17th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks...It's good to know I'm not the only one that felt that way (that I wasn't going to let her win).

I do realize that if I had backed away and they had gotten together that it would not have lasted. I realize that she wouldn't have actually "won". But it would have taken a while for it to completely fall apart and I couldn't stand the thought of her having even a momentary sense of victory.

This is not the first time I have been hurt by a man, but it is the first time I have been betrayed by a friend. It might be unfair, but I've always expected more from women. We are supposed to be the heart of our home, the one who thinks of the good of the unit before acting. The one who considers the "big picture".


Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2009
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