[This message edited by confusedforsure at 5:41 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)]
FWH is baffled. I just don't get it, either.
This has been one of the things that has knocked me off course on occasion-- wondering why the hell she did it. I mean, my M had problems for a while, we'd been married for 11 years and there was a lot of water under the proverbial bridge, on both our sides. But she'd only been married for a couple of years. I tmakes me wonder if she'll do this to her poor unsuspecting BS again, and again, and again, every time she feels like she isn't getting enough attention.
Truth be told, I don't want to want to ponder the why for her, but because she and her BS were our friends, I do it anyway.
It bothers me that she is just merrily living her life and mine is a mess
I feel the same way! I found her twitter profile the other day, and she had always described herself as having poor impulse control like it was something to be proud of. And there she was, on twitter, with her profile boldly stating "cranky new englander, poor impulse control"
It made me want to die.
Me - BS
Him - WS thelateghost
But I have to think about who it would hurt.
humboltmom - you took the words outta my mouth!
Family gatherings are very difficult, especially those first few when you really don't know what's going to happen or how you are going to react when you are beside OP, or when your spouse is in the same room as them.
It's very hard....the only piece of advice I would give you is give yourself lots and time and have a place you can go to in the house ALONE if you need to (my IL's place was unfinished at Christmas last year, and I snuck down there many times throughout the day to compose myself or give myself a high five for being so damn awesome in the situation).
Most likely, nothing will happen, just remember that you've done nothing wrong and if something were to happen, you would have nothing to be ashamed about.
Family events are getting easier for me, but I won't lie to you - I dread them like the plague. But for the rest of my family whom I love dearly, I do it. It's part of my deal to R.
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
Yes, there were times when I actually looked forward to seeing OW/SIL because I was doing so good, and I wanted her to see it.
One time, I remember I took a polished rock and put it in my pocket. Whenever I started feeling anxious, etc., I would reach in and grab hold of that damn rock and remind myself what a fantastic person I am.
It was a great day.
It's a special kind of awful when you know the OW very well. I can't decide who hurt me more some days, my FWH or the OW. Luckily I don't have to deal with her since she moved, but she's still here in my H's mind and heart.
What's your situation with the OC? Are you and your H trying to R?
Hope you're well.
And you can count me in that group whose WS had an a with his best friend/neighbor's wife.
OW and her BH are my youngest child's Godparents. I videotaped the birth of her youngest.
When her BH was out of control with his alcohol, my WH helped to an intervention. They have been friends since Junior High school.
I have a text on my phone that I have saved but not sent.. I want SO BADLY to text it to her, but I think she will see it as an opening to weasel her way back into our lives.
Before my worst fears were confirmed I sent her an email
saying I thought WH was going to leave me.. her reply was defensive and not supportive..my first idea something was up.. I sent her a lengthy reply.. she waited over an hour before she wrote back. I guess she did not like me talking about sex with him, or how much I wanted him to hold me and love me.... DO you think she has any idea I sent her those emails.. with those words because I knew things were more than platonic with them? And she told him, which I knew she would.
On DDAY night he was in such a fog.. he tried to make me look like the bad person.. like I was imagining things. But I think now he was scared because his fantasy world was exposed.
I love WH.. I will work to trust him and forgive him and move forward. Our families feel so intertwined that I am not sure if complete NC is even possible. I do believe at this point he is being honest when he tells me if she has contacted him in anyway.
He emailed him to tell him she told her BH.. I hope this is true. Based on the fact that her BH has not called my WH to see if he wants to watch the NBA playoffs, I think she must have told him.
But I wrestle so much with how she could have done this to me? I can follow the painful, logical trail with WH, we have some M issues that we have not dealt with. But I never did anything to her.. I never would have done this to her. How could she look at MY husband and not think of me? She knew they were meeting and texting in secret...
I want to ask her why..
What was going through my head when I had the affair? Me. Purely selfish.
She really didn't pop up in my head much at all in the beginning and in fact I tried to justify the affair by diminishing our friendship "Oh she doesn't call me anymore" "or I don't really have that much in common with her" "I have more in common with OM" "she doesn't really like me as a person" "I don't think she really loves him" " "she still pines for her former boyfriend". These statements were exaggerations from what the truth really was. I was fooling myself to justify my actions.
I did start to feel guilty as it became more physical and was devastated when she found photos of me on his IPhone. I felt ashamed and remorseful. She didn't deserve for this to happen to her and I give my former friend her space now out of respect (our kids are in the same school). I wish i could have found that respect for her and myself before the affair.
The OM and the former friend and I have been at NC for 5 months and it will stay that way. I am sorry to lose two great friends from this but we are all moving on in our lives.
I am sorry it has happened in your life also.
I'm not sure that you broke any rules, and it really is nice to hear about a WS in this double betrayal situation who feels true remorse for not only what they've done to their spouse, but what they've done to the other party.
Short story is I met this girl about a year ago who seemed to have a lot in common with me. We hit it off and became friends.
She pretty much immediately began getting way too drunk and passing out here. When I mentioned it to WH, he accused me of being insecure.
Lots of stuff happened, but it all culminated in me finding her and him in my bed cuddling. As far as I know, there was no actual sex, but what I saw will never leave my mind.
She's married too and now WH is crying the blues to her husband and carrying on like we've never been married. When I was out of town a few weekends ago, I found out she stayed here and returned to find her in my husband's clothes.
It took me a few days to confront her after I saw her hitting on my FIL at DD's birthday party. It takes me a long time to learn.
I don't have the energy to write out my whole story, but that's it in a nutshell.
she abruptly cut off contact with me and I had no clue why. Now I do. Oddly, she once told me that outside of her sister, she really didn't have any "women" friends and was grateful for my friendship.
OH MY GOD. That was the SAME story as me, but with a twist - she said that my FWH and I were the only friends she had and whom she trusted. She had a lot of male "friends" - her female friends came and went. And like you said, now you know why. Then she wrote to me one day out of the blue and said "I'm not comfortable with the three of us being friends anymore" - and went on to "tell the truth" about her emotional connection to FWH. Yet she still thought it was just fine to continue contact with him. No joke. Now, 2 years later, she says she's changed and just does not understand why I am still mad at her. Again, no joke.
Wow...there are some real winners out there, huh?
Hugs to you wiswounded, I feel your pain and I'm sorry that you too were betrayed by someone you thought was your friend. It's hard enough building trust back in a M, but then it really screws things up when you meet new women as potential friends. Honestly, I still really don't have any - I have acquaintances - and they've never met my FWH.
Thanks for the reply. My STBX and I will not be reconciling. He moved out of the house on D-Day, I made some calls to mutual friends and they told me about her. He moved in with OW on May 1. He has no interest in MC. He told me he would just walk in and refuse to participate so we are divorcing. All kids are grown so that helps. I just feel more anger toward her than him right now for some reason. So do my other friends. They are positively venomous when her name comes up.
I'm so very sorry.
Of course you're angry and have every right to be! IMO, he will see one day what he lost and will have serious regrets. If he did this to you after your history together, I can almost guarantee he will do it to her.
My daughters (grown), people I know, many hate OW too. They know her and what she is like.
Again, I'm really sorry and we're here for you.
I suspect that the OW will get what she deserves. My STBX told me he discovered they had "so much in common". Now, I know her too and to me, what they have in common is self-absorption and the fact that they are both carbon-based life forms. She is everything he told me he disliked in a woman. Or at least that's what he told me when we were dating. She's not much like me I must say.
Anyway, with the help of a therapist and supportive friends and family, I'm doing my own post-separation 180, just for me. I will be the strong, confident, independent woman I once was. In fact, I will be even better. I will not stoop to her level EVER. I will not let him see my pain and as for her...NC. She does not exist for now.
I still have a lot of legal stuff to deal with and so far, I've been pretty neutral, not betraying any weakness there.
After 17 year though, its hard to lose my WH. He was the person I thought was my best friend. That's harder than losing my husband to me I guess.