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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
aokmom
♀ Member
Member # 18610
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regarding the mutual friends issue: fortunately for me that was easy. The former friend/whore was never really liked by my other girlfriends b/c she was a very jealous person. She made it perfectly clear to them that she did not approve. My other girlfriends were like what the hell are you doing with her? So when XWH took off with her everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) was stunned. Yes I had a few neighbors and friends who tried not to take sides but as time wore on, they saw that he had taken off and wanted nothing to do with his own kids. He was so wrapped up in his new girlfriend, and she wanted him to herself. When we sold the family residence XWH didn’t lift a finger to help. I had to rely on my friends. One of the guy friends who was there went with me to go pick up food for everyone that evening and he admitted to me in the car that he tried not to take sides, but he couldn’t help being so angry with my XWH. Here he (my guy friend) was helping me and children move to a new home, and where was the kids’ dad?? Out bangin the whore while everyone else is picking up the slack that he left behind. I mean, he couldn’t even show up and help PACK the kids’ stuff?? So yeah, my XWH lost pretty much all of his friends in our divorce. A few months ago I finally had the balls to tell him that I hoped the pussy was worth everything it cost him. He replied it wasn’t. Too bad.
Another stupid move on his part: less than a month after I kicked him out, he “tried” to take the kids for the weekend. What did he do? He packed them up and took them down to a $700/night hotel by the beach with his shiny new girlfriend (his GF’s choice – she likes to spend money she doesn’t have) and stuck them in the hotel kids’ camp so they could go do whatever. The poor kids, who hardly saw their dad anyway, were really confused. And why was daddy with your friend, mommy, at the hotel? So when I told him that it was messed up that he was taking the kids out with his girlfriend so soon, his response was “you’re just pissed because I am with her and if I can’t bring the kids around her now then when is it going to be ok with you?” I said I had no idea, but when I felt the kids would be ready to handle it. He said I would think it would never be ok because I am so mad and I said he was probably right, so why can’t he respect that? Oh it just gets me friggin fired up about all the stupid and thoughtless things that asswipe has said and done.
My two cents. Grrrrrrrrr.


Me (BS): 39
WH: 39
Married: 14 years
Two beautiful kids: S-10, D-7
D-Day: 5/9/06
Divorce final: 1/18/08

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: CA
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tigerlilly, the situation you describe from 1 year out is exactly what I keep hoping will eventually happen - that those who have judged me unfairly will see them both for who they really are. Especially him.

As hard as it is, I have avoided spreading rumors and talking trash for two reasons - to save my own dignity and also in hopes that one day people will see that I took the high road even though I was the victim.

I just keep my fingers crossed that things will crumble for STBXH and OW. At this point, that would be the ultimate reward for me.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So when I told him that it was messed up that he was taking the kids out with his girlfriend so soon, his response was “you’re just pissed because I am with her and if I can’t bring the kids around her now then when is it going to be ok with you?”

My X did the same thing. WhenI said I don't want my kids to be alone w/ her,he said to "cut the drmatics" and "You'll just have to get over that."


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
aokmom
♀ Member
Member # 18610
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tigerlilly - that is an argument my XWH and I had over and over. All he could think about was himself. He didn't get it. He thought since the kids already knew her that they would naturally be ok with everything, even with daddy now living with her. WTF? I had to explain that what daddy was doing was not normal but we cannot control his actions, we can only control ourselves and contine to love each other. And what daddy was doing had NOTHING to do with them. Yes, daddy's behavior was not appropriate but he's still your daddy and he loves you.

It seems like when they are in the fog that serious brain damage sets in, huh? I had friends ask me if he was doing drugs because his behavior was so bizarre.


Me (BS): 39
WH: 39
Married: 14 years
Two beautiful kids: S-10, D-7
D-Day: 5/9/06
Divorce final: 1/18/08

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: CA
mariusa
♀ Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Hi haven't posted here but, wow, same scenerio for me.
OW is an employee, 18 years younger and was a "friend" of the family for over 6 years. Yeah...we always said she was like a daughter to us!!

He actually thinks this "little girl" is going to be a good influence for our 10 year old daughter. Is he out of his mind??? She left her own kids and H and moved her older married boss into her house that we helped with the down payment for, blindsiding everyone and I want my kids around her?? This 25 year old whore??

Well, I did get a minor victory in this by having it written in the pendant lite orders that the children are not to be in the presencs of paramours. Boy, is this a thorn in STBXH's side!!
Unfortunately, this won't last forever and I really feel for my kids when they are exposed to her. I know she thinks they will be one happy family too. STBXH even said to them that they will be able to call her "Mom" soon!!

Yeah, it has to be brain damamge!!


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
“Live without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He thought since the kids already knew her that they would naturally be ok with everything

Yup. Before we had separated, STBXH told me that he would be able to talk to the kids and make things ok with them. Of course, the kids quickly realized the truth of the situation and were not happy with him having a substitute family. DS 12 blew up at him and said, "You're not my dad anymore; you're (OW's kid)'s dad now!" He has now heard this several times. But, of course, he blameshifts and accuses me of "putting notions in the kids' heads" and of "using the kids against him". Whatever. They know who left and who didn't.

I think all WSs must have this fantasy that they will be able to have this big happy family like on the Brady Bunch. It just never occurs to them that the kids might actually have feelings- because they (WS) sure don't any.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yuk, I just got my son's soccer schedule and he plays OW's son 4 times! Help, I SO do not want to have to see her. I think that my strategy will be to say nothing, but not avoid eye contact. I hope she is very uncomfortable. I don't understand how she can live w/ herself. I also will try to have some of my famly come for support.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tigerlily,
That soccer schedule really does suck. You have the right idea - bring support along with you. Hopefully both teams' parents sit on opposite sides of the field, and you'll never have to get too close to the ho-bag. I'm hoping DS's team whips the pants off them!


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Red Fox
♀ Member
Member # 18421
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi tigerlily

Wear a dark pair of sunglasses to soccer. Don't forget to cheer and clap your sons team and have a good time! Good luck.


Infidelity - deception of self and others.

Posts: 194 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: New Zealand
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just posted a letter to my SIL/OW in general - if ya'll want a quick laugh over a similar situation, go over there and have a read...

I doubt I'll ever send it, but it sure felt good to write it!!


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a good letter. You are doing such a good job.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RE: soccer. Thanks, guys, I will keep you posted. I just found out that her father had a heart attack. Even though I do not like her, I do know that it is tough to have a sick parent. I had a hard time, but I told my STBX that I hoped he would be ok. (He didn't even thank me for my concern, but I felt good that I did it, anyway.)


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you tl,

It must be the season...I've got a soccer meeting tonight too - H and I are BOTH going - usually I would be doing these things alone, or taking the kids with me without him.

Baby steps, right?


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
myrriad
♀ Member
Member # 6437
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWS had an (at least 9 month long) EA with one of my best friends. The result of it was my not being able to maintain normal friendships now.
Tonight was the night he tried to kiss her and maybe (he was drunk and at her house, an hour away) try to fuck her. At least she pushed him off. But a couple weeks later she was sending him bikini pics of her in Florida. So she KNEW he was malleable. That was 4 yrs ago but I'm still F'd up by it.

[This message edited by myrriad at 10:23 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me and him: 40's
A: 9/03 - 12/04
D-Days: 4/8/04 & 6/14/04
Both: Rediscovered & Reconciled

Posts: 2375 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Ann Arbor MI: 30 sq miles surrounded by reality!
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you, myriad. Although, I would have done anything to save my marriage, now that it is done, I sometimes think that I have an easier road than those who are reconciling after a double betrayal. I hope you are well rewarded for your hard work.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
just_sad
♀ Member
Member # 19237
Frustrated  Posted: 1:54 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. I don't know if this is where I start, but I am starting...

My husband, who I have always thought was the most amazing man ever, I mean EVER, had an EA with a very good friend of ours. We live in a small community and we are all teachers. It only lasted a couple of weeks (confirmed) but there was kissing. I am shaking as I write this. I found out a little over 4 weeks ago and have been reading this site for about 3 weeks and i think it has, no, I know it has saved my sanity. This is a very difficult situation and I feel SICK! The OW was a very, very close friend. Lots of family events, dinners at each others house, kids sporting events, you name it! I am very close to her partner ( she is a lesbian or at least we all thought she was...) apparantly she is bi. I knew she was really flirting a lot but I kind of blew it off. We are close friends and co workers...and her partner is this really cool, awesome person. Anyway, she, the ow, started really flirting with my WH ( feels very weird using those initials for MY h.) I really didn't think anything of it because we have always had such a strong, strong relationship. Tons of laughter, lots of intimacy, cools trips that run the full spectrum...we camp... and we go to Paris. Really I thought we had it all. Anyway, long story short, the flirting got out of hand, and he says he let it get out of hand because it was kind of fun and it felt like safe flirting because she is a lesbian....(or so we thought???) she tried to kiss him on several occasions and he turned away...first, thinking she was a lesbian, then thinking she had too much alcohol. She plays this little game where she has a few sips and gets "drunk: because she is such "a good person who hardly ever drinks, and a lightweight". She does get really flirty, with lots of our male friends...but she also seemed to be in an airtight relationship with her partner, and they have two kids (hers) so whooodathunk???

So, my husband went down the slippery slope and gave in to the kissing which then turned to some iming. I found out right away....I couldn't sleep one night ( which is bizarre in itself because I sleep like a rock!) and came down to living room and he was acting all weird...I got on computer to check score of a basketball game because I couldn't stay awake to see the end....and I saw her name at bottom of screen. It was midnight and that was of course bizarre and in my book unacceptable so I asked a few pointed questions and he fell apart, said he was relieved I knew...he didn't know what to do, felt guilty, they had kissed on three occasions. Long night, all the predicable conversations....he told her the next day...then she told her partner and she went crying to MY best friend. BITCH! She did say it was all her fault and she really pursued him and wasn't giving up. Then said she is bi-sexual. (Ya think?)! It is really awful and there is more to it, lots of history now, that I see she was really, really playing some little games and some serious mind games with my wh(ouch, still hurts to type that!) and I think he never saw it coming. It DOES NOT excuse his behavior at all and he has been an open book since that moment. He has not responded to her few attempts to contact him ( little emails like "good morning", crap like that!) The situation is worse because she and I are both teachers and she teaches my child and I teach her child. AWKWARD! The kids do not know, nor do I want them to. I do beleive this is a once in a lifetime event for my h BUT I am struggling. I have been intimate with him and have even kissed him, but can not intimately kiss him because he gave my kissed away! jack ass! How could he do that!?
I keep recalling so many conversations I had with the OW and I can see the game playing, the manipulation and the fishing for information. My husband is an awful liar so I know it could not have gone on long even if I didn't wake up that night. He swears it never would have become physical sexually, but I don't know what to think. It doesn't really matter, because he got caught early and we will never know. Thank heavens!

One of the problems I am having is that we really want to keep this private, especially with the situation with the kids in each others classes etc...but by keeping it really private gives me very few people to talk to . I feel like I have already talked my leg off to them and worry they will tire of it. I am tired of it myself. I feel like a yo-yo. One minute I am great and the next minute I don't know what I want. One minute I am crazy in love and grateful for a chance to find what ever slipped away on his part and the other minute I feel nothing. I even looked at him once when he said "I love you" and all I could say was "I nothing you." It was the saddest moment in my life but that is what I felt at that moment. I do love him and we are working things out and he is really doing everything he thinks is best but my feelings for him just vary so wildly it is really freaking me out that I feel this way. Another thing that is really pissing me off is that I have changed b/c of this! I am really a positive, happy, outgoing person. Now I feel jaded and distrustful and it sucks. It isn't me...but it is me! Today I heard a song by train and part of the lyrics go "I feel like I'm dreaming and wide awake too" , that is me. One more thing I want to mention is that I have not cried very much and I cry at the drop of hat normally. I tear up when someone gets voted off American Idol but I really have not cried much about my own situation. Some, but really not much, considering the nightmare I am in. I really, really cried the first time I read some of the posts on this site and I found that to be very cleansing....

Well I am signing off now. Still shaking and having trouble typing. Very weird to put this in my print. How can this be my life? I think my husband is more shocked than I am, really I do beleive that. This is all so bizarre......


Married: 20 years now...
Reconciling and happy about that most of the time. The man I knew is back to being himself!

Follow your heart and you won't get lost. - Brett Dennen


Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Far away from home...
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, Just_sad. (((hugs)))
This is also the forum where I first posted on SI.

My situation is different from yours, but alike in many ways. The double betrayal is a huge pill to swallow. Like you, we had a very close relationship with OW and her family. Dinners, parties, BBQs, vacations, etc. Really I wonder if this was the root of the problem -- too much closeness.

How difficult it must be for you to have to work with this woman and to look at her child everyday. I know that OW's child has nothing to do with any of this, but I really have a hard time not thinking bad thoughts of him too.

I am divorcing, so I don't know how to advise you on R. You will probably get more real practical advice on your R situation in the R forum or in JFO or General.

For now, you need to take care of yourself. The anxiety, shaking, insomnia, the feelings of detachment, etc are all normal. I remember thinking that I felt as though I were observing my own life from the outside. It's a strange feeling of things being surreal. Like you, I cannot believe that MY life has become something out of the Jerry Springer Show.

You and WH should seek counseling. There are great meds to help you if you feel like you can't keep it together. Be good to yourself. Make sure you're eating.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((just_sad))

This too was the first place I posted. I could not believe that there was a whole group of people who experienced the "double betrayal".

My story is a little different - PA between my H and his brother's wife(mySIL), but that doesn't matter, just want to let you know that you are not alone - we've all thought that ours was a "one and only" kind of situation.

What you will find here is INCREDIBLE support.

I too suggest counselling (both MC and IC, but IC for sure). I will be the first to admit that I was STRONGLY against antidepressants before this all happened and I have been on them now for a couple of months. They truly saved my life. So if you feel you can't get up and go on, maybe book an appt. with your doctor to talk about it.

And I agree with woundedby2: EAT! That's something I couldn't do in the beginning and it wore me down as much as anything else.

Take care of yourself. YOU are number one right now.


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
just_sad
♀ Member
Member # 19237
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the encouragement. I am just counting the days until school is over. All the kids involved are teens and they have their own hormones running amuck and trying to act normal for them and always wondering if they know just gets exhausting. I am thinking about writing my former friend, the ow, a letter and just getting it all out there. Did any of you confront the other person? If so did you feel better afterwards?

My husband and I are trying to work it out. We have been happily married for 17 years and as often as I think about walking away because of this...I know it is worth it to work through this mess and make it right. He has to do most of the work right now though...I am still pretty numb....

He has been true to n/c as far as I know...has been open book and always available to me any time of day...but she has not completely stuck to that...and I just hate that they work together. I am at a different school. Not possible for anyone to switch jobs at this time

Woundedby2 I had never thougth of it before but I think you are right about our families were probably too close and we were spending too much time together. I will never put myself in that situation again. I am wiser for sure!

Thanks again for your notes, it makes me feel sane...

[This message edited by just_sad at 3:28 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]


Married: 20 years now...
Reconciling and happy about that most of the time. The man I knew is back to being himself!

Follow your heart and you won't get lost. - Brett Dennen


Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Far away from home...
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,
I have not been keeping up with this forum but I do check occasionally.

Welcome just_sad and every one else that is recent to this forum. ((hugs)) I know it is a place that you never imagined that you would be.

To those who are trying to R and trying to keep this quiet I wish you the best of luck. Separate yourself from OW or OM as much as possible. If outsiders question why you are not friends with OW/OM anymore, just say that you have drifted apart. Do not say anything negative about OW/OM because it will probably get back to them and they may reveal the whole ugly A.

Regarding your X exposing your kids to OW/OM, there is not much you can do. But realize that your kids probably view the relationship between X and OP as anything from weird to just plain wrong. While you do not want to bad mouth X, I fully believe that you should support your kids feelings. If my DD does not want to go visit X then I do not force her. If she wants to come home early from visitation, I see what I can do to make it happen. On the other hand, X called her last night and she did not want to answer. I told her "It's your father! Answer the phone."

All of you, stay strong!! YOu WILL make it thru this whether you R of decide to D. You will be strong for yourself and your children. You will make it because there is no other alternative.

(((((HUGS)))))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17282 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
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