As hard as it is, I have avoided spreading rumors and talking trash for two reasons - to save my own dignity and also in hopes that one day people will see that I took the high road even though I was the victim.
I just keep my fingers crossed that things will crumble for STBXH and OW. At this point, that would be the ultimate reward for me.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
My X did the same thing. WhenI said I don't want my kids to be alone w/ her,he said to "cut the drmatics" and "You'll just have to get over that."
It seems like when they are in the fog that serious brain damage sets in, huh? I had friends ask me if he was doing drugs because his behavior was so bizarre.
He actually thinks this "little girl" is going to be a good influence for our 10 year old daughter. Is he out of his mind??? She left her own kids and H and moved her older married boss into her house that we helped with the down payment for, blindsiding everyone and I want my kids around her?? This 25 year old whore??
Well, I did get a minor victory in this by having it written in the pendant lite orders that the children are not to be in the presencs of paramours. Boy, is this a thorn in STBXH's side!!
Unfortunately, this won't last forever and I really feel for my kids when they are exposed to her. I know she thinks they will be one happy family too. STBXH even said to them that they will be able to call her "Mom" soon!!
Yeah, it has to be brain damamge!!
He thought since the kids already knew her that they would naturally be ok with everything
Yup. Before we had separated, STBXH told me that he would be able to talk to the kids and make things ok with them. Of course, the kids quickly realized the truth of the situation and were not happy with him having a substitute family. DS 12 blew up at him and said, "You're not my dad anymore; you're (OW's kid)'s dad now!" He has now heard this several times. But, of course, he blameshifts and accuses me of "putting notions in the kids' heads" and of "using the kids against him". Whatever. They know who left and who didn't.
I think all WSs must have this fantasy that they will be able to have this big happy family like on the Brady Bunch. It just never occurs to them that the kids might actually have feelings- because they (WS) sure don't any.
Wear a dark pair of sunglasses to soccer. Don't forget to cheer and clap your sons team and have a good time! Good luck.
I doubt I'll ever send it, but it sure felt good to write it!!
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
It must be the season...I've got a soccer meeting tonight too - H and I are BOTH going - usually I would be doing these things alone, or taking the kids with me without him.
Baby steps, right?
[This message edited by myrriad at 10:23 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]
My husband, who I have always thought was the most amazing man ever, I mean EVER, had an EA with a very good friend of ours. We live in a small community and we are all teachers. It only lasted a couple of weeks (confirmed) but there was kissing. I am shaking as I write this. I found out a little over 4 weeks ago and have been reading this site for about 3 weeks and i think it has, no, I know it has saved my sanity. This is a very difficult situation and I feel SICK! The OW was a very, very close friend. Lots of family events, dinners at each others house, kids sporting events, you name it! I am very close to her partner ( she is a lesbian or at least we all thought she was...) apparantly she is bi. I knew she was really flirting a lot but I kind of blew it off. We are close friends and co workers...and her partner is this really cool, awesome person. Anyway, she, the ow, started really flirting with my WH ( feels very weird using those initials for MY h.) I really didn't think anything of it because we have always had such a strong, strong relationship. Tons of laughter, lots of intimacy, cools trips that run the full spectrum...we camp... and we go to Paris. Really I thought we had it all. Anyway, long story short, the flirting got out of hand, and he says he let it get out of hand because it was kind of fun and it felt like safe flirting because she is a lesbian....(or so we thought???) she tried to kiss him on several occasions and he turned away...first, thinking she was a lesbian, then thinking she had too much alcohol. She plays this little game where she has a few sips and gets "drunk: because she is such "a good person who hardly ever drinks, and a lightweight". She does get really flirty, with lots of our male friends...but she also seemed to be in an airtight relationship with her partner, and they have two kids (hers) so whooodathunk???
So, my husband went down the slippery slope and gave in to the kissing which then turned to some iming. I found out right away....I couldn't sleep one night ( which is bizarre in itself because I sleep like a rock!) and came down to living room and he was acting all weird...I got on computer to check score of a basketball game because I couldn't stay awake to see the end....and I saw her name at bottom of screen. It was midnight and that was of course bizarre and in my book unacceptable so I asked a few pointed questions and he fell apart, said he was relieved I knew...he didn't know what to do, felt guilty, they had kissed on three occasions. Long night, all the predicable conversations....he told her the next day...then she told her partner and she went crying to MY best friend. BITCH! She did say it was all her fault and she really pursued him and wasn't giving up. Then said she is bi-sexual. (Ya think?)! It is really awful and there is more to it, lots of history now, that I see she was really, really playing some little games and some serious mind games with my wh(ouch, still hurts to type that!) and I think he never saw it coming. It DOES NOT excuse his behavior at all and he has been an open book since that moment. He has not responded to her few attempts to contact him ( little emails like "good morning", crap like that!) The situation is worse because she and I are both teachers and she teaches my child and I teach her child. AWKWARD! The kids do not know, nor do I want them to. I do beleive this is a once in a lifetime event for my h BUT I am struggling. I have been intimate with him and have even kissed him, but can not intimately kiss him because he gave my kissed away! jack ass! How could he do that!?
I keep recalling so many conversations I had with the OW and I can see the game playing, the manipulation and the fishing for information. My husband is an awful liar so I know it could not have gone on long even if I didn't wake up that night. He swears it never would have become physical sexually, but I don't know what to think. It doesn't really matter, because he got caught early and we will never know. Thank heavens!
One of the problems I am having is that we really want to keep this private, especially with the situation with the kids in each others classes etc...but by keeping it really private gives me very few people to talk to . I feel like I have already talked my leg off to them and worry they will tire of it. I am tired of it myself. I feel like a yo-yo. One minute I am great and the next minute I don't know what I want. One minute I am crazy in love and grateful for a chance to find what ever slipped away on his part and the other minute I feel nothing. I even looked at him once when he said "I love you" and all I could say was "I nothing you." It was the saddest moment in my life but that is what I felt at that moment. I do love him and we are working things out and he is really doing everything he thinks is best but my feelings for him just vary so wildly it is really freaking me out that I feel this way. Another thing that is really pissing me off is that I have changed b/c of this! I am really a positive, happy, outgoing person. Now I feel jaded and distrustful and it sucks. It isn't me...but it is me! Today I heard a song by train and part of the lyrics go "I feel like I'm dreaming and wide awake too" , that is me. One more thing I want to mention is that I have not cried very much and I cry at the drop of hat normally. I tear up when someone gets voted off American Idol but I really have not cried much about my own situation. Some, but really not much, considering the nightmare I am in. I really, really cried the first time I read some of the posts on this site and I found that to be very cleansing....
Well I am signing off now. Still shaking and having trouble typing. Very weird to put this in my print. How can this be my life? I think my husband is more shocked than I am, really I do beleive that. This is all so bizarre......
Follow your heart and you won't get lost. - Brett Dennen
My situation is different from yours, but alike in many ways. The double betrayal is a huge pill to swallow. Like you, we had a very close relationship with OW and her family. Dinners, parties, BBQs, vacations, etc. Really I wonder if this was the root of the problem -- too much closeness.
How difficult it must be for you to have to work with this woman and to look at her child everyday. I know that OW's child has nothing to do with any of this, but I really have a hard time not thinking bad thoughts of him too.
I am divorcing, so I don't know how to advise you on R. You will probably get more real practical advice on your R situation in the R forum or in JFO or General.
For now, you need to take care of yourself. The anxiety, shaking, insomnia, the feelings of detachment, etc are all normal. I remember thinking that I felt as though I were observing my own life from the outside. It's a strange feeling of things being surreal. Like you, I cannot believe that MY life has become something out of the Jerry Springer Show.
You and WH should seek counseling. There are great meds to help you if you feel like you can't keep it together. Be good to yourself. Make sure you're eating.
This too was the first place I posted. I could not believe that there was a whole group of people who experienced the "double betrayal".
My story is a little different - PA between my H and his brother's wife(mySIL), but that doesn't matter, just want to let you know that you are not alone - we've all thought that ours was a "one and only" kind of situation.
What you will find here is INCREDIBLE support.
I too suggest counselling (both MC and IC, but IC for sure). I will be the first to admit that I was STRONGLY against antidepressants before this all happened and I have been on them now for a couple of months. They truly saved my life. So if you feel you can't get up and go on, maybe book an appt. with your doctor to talk about it.
And I agree with woundedby2: EAT! That's something I couldn't do in the beginning and it wore me down as much as anything else.
Take care of yourself. YOU are number one right now.
My husband and I are trying to work it out. We have been happily married for 17 years and as often as I think about walking away because of this...I know it is worth it to work through this mess and make it right. He has to do most of the work right now though...I am still pretty numb....
He has been true to n/c as far as I know...has been open book and always available to me any time of day...but she has not completely stuck to that...and I just hate that they work together. I am at a different school. Not possible for anyone to switch jobs at this time
Woundedby2 I had never thougth of it before but I think you are right about our families were probably too close and we were spending too much time together. I will never put myself in that situation again. I am wiser for sure!
Thanks again for your notes, it makes me feel sane...
[This message edited by just_sad at 3:28 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]
Welcome just_sad and every one else that is recent to this forum. ((hugs)) I know it is a place that you never imagined that you would be.
To those who are trying to R and trying to keep this quiet I wish you the best of luck. Separate yourself from OW or OM as much as possible. If outsiders question why you are not friends with OW/OM anymore, just say that you have drifted apart. Do not say anything negative about OW/OM because it will probably get back to them and they may reveal the whole ugly A.
Regarding your X exposing your kids to OW/OM, there is not much you can do. But realize that your kids probably view the relationship between X and OP as anything from weird to just plain wrong. While you do not want to bad mouth X, I fully believe that you should support your kids feelings. If my DD does not want to go visit X then I do not force her. If she wants to come home early from visitation, I see what I can do to make it happen. On the other hand, X called her last night and she did not want to answer. I told her "It's your father! Answer the phone."
All of you, stay strong!! YOu WILL make it thru this whether you R of decide to D. You will be strong for yourself and your children. You will make it because there is no other alternative.