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User Topic: Double Betrayal
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow K9 - great job! I for one would be very willing to treat her with respect and appreciation for putting herself in this position. It cannot be easy since she knows how deep our hurt is but I would love to ask her a few questions. My first would be, "What kind of rationalizations did you use in order to engage in this A so that you could ease the guilt you must have felt?"
How was it possible to face your sister/sister-in-law after you began your A? What kind of thoughts went through your head? Did you really believe that as long as no one knew, no one would get hurt? (That's what my FWH told me him and the OW said to each other.) Were you able to share any of your thoughts, feelings, etc., with anyone or was there extreme secrecy to "protect the innocent?" What was that like having to hold a secret of that magnitude to yourself? I know I'll have so many others, but this is as good a start as I can come up with. Thank you, wewillbeok, for your frankness and willingness to ease some of the pain of those on this board.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
wewillbeok
New Member
Member # 9331
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll try to answer as many questions as I can and to the best of my ability. Some things I still struggle with and don't have answers to, but I am (we are) in R and working hard to save our marriage.

The story is a long one and I won't go into it all now but I will try to answer your questions.

How was it possible to face your sister/sister-in-law after you began your A?

Actually it was hard. We hung out every weekend. Husband and his brother were very close and our kids are about the same age and played a lot of the same sports. There weren't too many times though where it was just the two of them and the two of us. There were usually other people, kids, etc. around to distract us. He had me convinced that she was a bad wife and that I was helping him. Sounds lame now I know but at the time, in my head, it made sense. He said that when he was happy he was a better person and a better father. I knew it was wrong but somehow I felt I was helping him.

Did you really believe that as long as no one knew, no one would get hurt? (That's what my FWH told me him and the OW said to each other.)

Yes, actually then I did. I figured what my H didn't know, wouldn't hurt him. Now I see clearly. I hurt him (and the real me) every time I was with his B.

Were you able to share any of your thoughts, feelings, etc., with anyone or was there extreme secrecy to "protect the innocent?"

Yes, one girlfriend of mine knew. She was also in an A. My H actually told her H about her A. He said that he wished someone would have told him. After her H found out, as you can imagine, she blamed me. We really haven't had much contact since and I'm not sure we ever will. I realize that I cannot subjective myself to that kind of behavior. It's just not good for me or my marriage.

What was that like having to hold a secret of that magnitude to yourself?

Unbearable. It was a relief to finally have it out in the open. After he found out, I opened up completely. No questions were left unanswered. He was allowed to ask anything, say anything, scream anything. I know what I did is unexcuseable and unforgivable but for some reason he's decided to stay and work things out. I thank God every day for him and for his strength. I think what made it easier for him to trust me was that after he found out about the affair and before his brother's wife knew, he (the brother) tried it again but I went straight to my H and told him. I think that showed him I was committed to him and our marriage. Anyway what happened next is another story.

Soon after that H went off on B, B told his W and we've been NC since. I have had many regets in my life but this is the biggest. I lost the respect of my husband, my kids and my friends and I had no one to blame to myself. Guilt is a very hard thing to live with. Don't think that I'm saying what you have to live with isn't hard, I'm just giving you my point of view. I hope that this is coming out right. I understand your pain. I see it in my H's face every day. It's so hard to look at him and see the hurt and know that I am the cause of that hurt. All I can do is keep going, keep showing him that I love him, keep talking with him and keep loving him. Not all W spouses are "heartless no good people". I'm not a bad person I just did a horrible thing to the person I love the most in this world.

Of note, I did write an apology letter to my SIL. I didn't get a response nor was I expecting one. I just wanted her to know that I was sorry.

I hope this all came out the way I intended it to. Even though I don't know any of you, I'm truly sorry for your pain.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Ohio
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wewillbeok, thank you for your honest responses. I don't know if the OP in my case would have similar ones so I'm not sure how to feel about her side in my H's A. I can only say that I wish to God that when she made the decision to engage in an A with my H, she had pulled away 100% from the friendship. It is different for you since it would be next to impossible to do that in a family situation. I thank you for your honesty, and bravery, in reaching out to those of us in this situation. Your remorse and genuine care and concern for your H will help tremendously in your R. Take it from a BS spouse, the one thing that has kept me moving toward R, is my H's genuine remorse and concern for my pain. Without that, I don't think there would be a single incentive to stay. P.S. I read some of your other posts and again, as a BS who has forgiven her FWS, I hope and pray that you have forgiven yourself. It is not easy to forgive someone who has hurt us so badly but when we do, we are sincere and we sincerely want the M to work. Bless you, your H and your M.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I seem to fall in just about every group there is!

Let's see, one of the OW was my hairstylist. I never knew. It came as such a shock when I found out.

Another OW was a (at one time) good friend. I now think she became my friend just to get close to WH.

Another OW was another "good friend" who said she was acting as a sex surrogate for WH. Uh...hello? I'm here! Ready, quite willing and very able!

Several other OW's were his co-workers who he introduced me to, invited into our home, etc.

Here's where I barf...


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wewillbeok,

Thank You for your honesty.

I truly do thank you for your bravery in offering to help the rest of us out and wish you well in your R.

flipper

[This message edited by flipper at 7:57 AM, April 27th (Monday)]


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
Ole Restart
♀ Member
Member # 3434
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The FOW was supposed to have been my 'little sister' (not a biological one, though) and bestfriend!!!! The FOW is a narcissistic, drunk (her "drug of choice" is/was, usually, wine...White Zinfandel!!!)!!

[This message edited by Ole Restart at 12:29 AM, February 22nd (Sunday)]


Me: FBW, 63; He: FWH, 86.
Married: June 1, 1994.
Dday: 18 March, 2003.
Reconciled.

Posts: 12896 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Texas
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you wewillbeok. You confirm many of the things my WS has said.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
wewillbeok
New Member
Member # 9331
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flipper -

"My questions for you are how do you handle family occassions such as christmas, birthdays etc. and do the rest of your husband's family know what happened?"

We don't handle them. After H and B had it out, he told his wife while their children were around. She, needless to say, blew up. SIL did some really unthinkable things to my children. We told H's sister (who we were also close with). BIL told the rest of his family his side of the story. No one, absolutely no one, called H to ask how he was doing. H speaks to one of his brothers but no one else in his family. He wrote his B a letter telling him how he felt but no response, not even an "I'm sorry". H is about ready to write another letter writing him out of his life completely. This is what is really hard for me. I have a very close family and it saddens me that his family hasn't been there for him. I know that part of that reason is my fault but I thought unconditional love was just that, unconditional love. My family also knows but accepts me for who I am and the mistakes that I have made. His on the other hand cannot be there for him and it's mind boggling. He didn't do anything wrong but yet his family won't talk to him. I can understand them not wanting to talk to me, but what did he do? Nothing, but love me.

Anyway, I hope that helped. I must say that I was a little nervous about responding to this topic because of the blacklash but you have all pleasantly surprised me. Thanks!

wewillbeok



Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Ohio
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi wewillbeok,

Thank you for being so brave and to come here.

I have a couple of questions.

* How did the A start? Specifically, you wnet from being a relative to a friend to an EA (I assume) and then to a PA?

* Do you believe that your H or SIL ever suspected anything?

* Were you ever jealous of SIL and any attention BIL showed her?

* Were you expecting a long term relatinship with BIL? If not, what were your intent or reason for the A?

* Finally, does your H's family support BIL? Or have they cut of contact with him also? If not, I would find that to be very odd and dysfunctional.

Thank you. If you do not feel comfortable answering any of the questions then please do not. My H was never honest, did not answer questions, and continued the A. So I have been left to my own devices to try to figure out what happened and how it happened. I am also trying to figure out what the hell they were thinking carrying on the A right in front of me and making me think I was crazy to suspect anything.

Peace


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17285 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Pennico
♀ Member
Member # 10724
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello there,

I'm in the double betrayal group too. H had an A with friend and neighbor. I think it is hard for us that have had the double whammy put to us. Not only are we dealing with our wandering H, the lies, deceit, etc. - but we are dealing with the friends deception as well. That was so hard because I almost more upset that my friend who I trusted could do this to ME. She lives across the street from me, so we saw each other literally every day. In the summer time we would sit on my or her front porch, drinking sodas and watching the kids play. Now, there is a huge hole that has been blown to hell. My FWH and I are doing fairly well. Definately NC for all of us except the FOW's H and I. He and I talk once in a while, but usually not about the A. My d-day will be one year ago this Sunday. Can't believe it has been a whole year, but I can't wait until this weekend is over.

Sidenote to Wewillbeokay:
Thank you so much for posting. How brave you are - your post has helped me be more understanding of how this can happen. I appreciate you.

Penn


BS - 50
FWH - 50
D-Day - 4/9/06 (with next-door neighbor/friend)
Married 18 years
2 girls (16 & 13)
Update 8-26-11 . . She MOVED!

Healed after five years and with God's Grace.


Posts: 172 | Registered: May 2006 | From: West Coast
wewillbeok
New Member
Member # 9331
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamboat

* How did the A start? Specifically, you wnet from being a relative to a friend to an EA (I assume) and then to a PA?

We were actually friends before a relative. I actually knew him before I met my H. My sister went to school with him so I knew him through her. We were always able to talk to each other easily. I guess seriously talking about one to two years before the PA started. We were at a concern one night with SIL, BIL, me and another friend. My H couldn't go. We were outside talking and smoking. Went to the bathroom (together which was a bad idea) and he kissed me. From there it just kind of escalated.

* Do you believe that your H or SIL ever suspected anything?

No, I don't think either one did at first. Not sure if H ever really suspected it or not but one day he read an e-mail I hadn't deleted to another friend (the one who knew about my A) and he confronted me the next morning. I'm not really sure why he read it nor have I ever asked him. I figured I didn't have a right to considering what he found out.

* Were you ever jealous of SIL and any attention BIL showed her?

No I don't think so. Sometimes I just wanted to smack her upside the head for not paying any attention to her H or for not seeing his needs.

* Were you expecting a long term relatinship with BIL? If not, what were your intent or reason for the A?

No I was not. While I did truly care about him, I wasn't in love with him. We were friends and I thought that I was helping him. I know that sounds really weird but in my head that is what I thought I was doing. Showing him that there was someone out there who would love, support and show affection to him. He would tell me that he loved me and my response was you don't love me, you love the thought of me. I was everything he wanted her to be.

* Finally, does your H's family support BIL? Or have they cut of contact with him also? If not, I would find that to be very odd and dysfunctional.

Yes they do support him. As I said previously, H still talks to one of his brothers. He has 3 brothers and 1 sister. H hasn't talked to his mom in over a year or his other 2 brothers in over a year and a half. Sad but true. I've tried to get him to talk to his mom but he's just not ready. I just hope that when he is ready, she still around. She got cancer and is having chemo. I can't make him do something he doesn't want to. It breaks my heart that a mom wouldn't be there for her child especially when he did nothing wrong. Anyway, that's completely a new set of issues that I won't bore you with.

Thank you. If you do not feel comfortable answering any of the questions then please do not.

I'm surprised myself how much this is easier than I thought it would be and how much it actually helps me. I can't take back what I did and I know that my H knows how sorry I am. I'm just glad that I can help someone else understand some of their issues.

My H was never honest, did not answer questions, and continued the A. So I have been left to my own devices to try to figure out what happened and how it happened. I am also trying to figure out what the hell they were thinking carrying on the A right in front of me and making me think I was crazy to suspect anything.

I'm sorry for you pain. The one thing I did do right was be an open book after he found out. Sometimes he was ask questions and I would stop him and ask him if he relly wanted to know the answers. When he said yes, I would give them. My life is an open book and I love it and I love him!

Hope this helped. Stay strong.

wewillbeokay



Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Ohio
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you wewillbeOK,

"My life is an open book "

I am glad Since I discovered the A I have made my life an open book because honest and trust has become so very important to me.

Some of what you wrote was hard for me to read -- some of it hits close to home. But that is all part of healing -- owning my own shit.

I am sorry that your H's family has "shunned" him. I am glad that you are healing, helping him heal, and being so honest. That is very admirable.

Peace


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17285 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
didwhat
♀ Member
Member # 14163
Frustrated  Posted: 6:55 PM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boy can I relate. The ow in my H's affair was not only a friend, but was daily becoming more of a friend due to her own breakup. Right before the A with my H, her SO of 14 years left her for a much younger woman. Since there was no marriage he was trying to take everything, even the kids. She was coming over crying in my arms. Both my H and I were trying to help her with emotional support as well as legal and financial advice. Two months later she was in bed with my H while I was out of town. My bed no less. Even then she kept asking for my help. After DDay she wrote me an email blaming it all on him and calling herself a victim! Also, saying she never dated any girlfriend's exs. DATED!! and since when did I become an EX??? I have posted much about forgiveness here, but I'm not ready yet to forgive her. I would think anyone having delt with this pain would not want to turn around and do it to someone else. But in fact, I think that was the whole point of the affair.


first do no harm
me BS/54
him WH/53
Married 26yrs
Together 30 yrs
1 grown son

Posts: 610 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: calif
enduring
♀ Member
Member # 9337
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My youngest sister. I was thirteen when she was born. My live baby doll!

Played little mom to her.

She called me her 'that girl' because she thought that I was on tv. She always looked up to me.

She had gotten a little wild. Suggestive remarks to my h who she says she always had a crush on. Went from flashing him to get him to give her cigarettes. And it went from there. Oral sex, never intercourse. Just fun as she says, playing around.

They hate each other now.

And, her life just kept going downhill. Alcohol, drugs. Crack addict. Prostitution.

Not sure where she is right now. I still worry about her. She is my baby sister.



Me: BS 57
Him: WH 57
married 38 years
3 DD 10 grandchildren
Reconciling

Posts: 792 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: PA
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear WeWillBeOK,

I'm not quite sure if this question has been asked before. Sorry if it was covered and I'm asking again.

Did you feel "weird" during the affair when all four of you were together? Did you feel guilty? There was your husband and his wife and this great big secret you and the BIL had between you. Did it make you uncomfortable? The last FB lived with us for three weeks during the affair. I can't process how she managed to accept my hospitality and friendship while secretly destroying my marriage. WS's explanation is that he was so wrapped up in his own world he never thought about it. All he thought about was that his life was good. He had his FB and his family together.

Second question.

If you four were so close, did YOU witness your SIL being cold or remote or whatever the reason your BIL used to have an affair with you? Or looking back in hindsight were you just willing to believe whatever your BIL told you? Were things bad in your relationship or were you "bored"?

I'm dealing with five so called friends that had sex with WS. They were all married. I'm trying to figure out possible reasons why they would agree to have sex with WS. Trust me....he's no Adonis and he's not a sex god in bed.

Third question.

How did the kids find out (if they did) and have you seen any fall-out from them?

Thanks again for being our "question board". You've helped me some.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6330 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
SoHappy2BMe
♀ Member
Member # 13653
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is very helpful to me!

wewillbeok ~ Thank you so much for being vulnerable with us. Thank you for answering our questions.

I have a few questions too.

1. Did you ever think about how much this was going to hurt your H and the rest of the family? Or were your thoughts mostly centred around you and BIL and how the A made you feel? What were your thoughts on this.

2. Did you think you would ever get caught? Did you ever want to be caught? Did you think about how you would handle it if you got caught?

3. At any time during the A did you and BIL try to end the relationship?

4. Did you and BIL talk 'in order to get your stories straight'? By that I mean did you guys plan out your responses so they were consistent?

5. Did you ever laugh/snicker/talk about your H/SIL with each other? Did you mock them ever? Hmmm..this question is not coming out right. How do I say this? When you guys lied or manipulated the situation so you could be together (I'm just assuming you did this...if you didn't then I apologize) did you laugh about how your H/SIL bought the lie?

6. You said that in your head you thought that you were helping BIL. I heard this from wh and ow too. How did it become OK in your mind that your help involved physical actions? In your mind, what was being physical helping him with?

7. Did you ever tell yourself that you had crossed the line? Can you share some of your internal dialogue on this.

I hope my questions make sense. I have so many and it was hard to focus myself and get the question out.

If you don't want to answer any question that is OK. Thanks again for helping us try to understand some of this!

(((HUGS)))


*Recovering* *Healing* *Divorcing*

"I did the best I could with what I knew...And when I knew better, I did better!" ~ Maya Angelou
In other words...I know what you've been up to all this time now get the hell out of here!!


Posts: 293 | Registered: Feb 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

K9 - I cannot believe you were able to put into words for me exactly what it is I wanted to ask of the OP. I kept trying to ask the question and it never came out right. It is the single most important question I would ask.
How in God's name could you continue for 8 long years to accept my hospitality, friendship and generosity while secretly destroying my M? I don't want to offend Wewillbeok, but how can anyone do that? What kind of lies do you have tell yourself in order to face this person whose M you are undermining every single day and whose children whom you claim to care about, possibly even love, will pay the ultimate price?
I am going to have to apologize in advance but I just can't let a statement from Wewillbeok go without comment. It may be exactly the thing though that OP's tell themselves in order to continue what they must know in their heart is so very wrong. She answers a question to Dreamboat and says,
Sometimes I just wanted to smack her upside the head for not paying any attention to her H or for not seeing his needs.
Wewillbeok, I know in your case you may feel justified in making this statement but this sounds very harsh. I cannot say what is truth in your own situation and I doubt you truly know for certain the circumstances of your BIL's M but I can tell you from all the posts I've read on this and many other forums, WS's begin a pattern of neglect and disregard long before the A begins. It is the avenue they take, they choose to follow, to move away from the M. From a BS's position, you must know that our needs were constantly being denied, belittled and neglected. It was our WS's way of distancing themselves from us in order to pursue their little fling. How else could they live double lives if they didn't put some distance between themselves and their spouse? They chose every day to shut us out, to treat us as if we were insane, insecure, or overly sensitive. They denied us sexually, we were cheated. We wanted, asked, sometimes begged for attention, for answers and for sex but we were dismissed. Our needs were continually left unmet. After months or maybe years you stop trying. You begin to believe it is all in your head. You think these are the new ground rules for the M and then you decide to make a life of your own. To satisfy those unmet needs but not in ways that are harmful to the M - not by going outside the M for affection and sex. Maybe you sign up for a class, start spending more times with friends, take a mini vacation - whatever, to fill the void left by a non-attentive spouse who has spent a great deal of energy pushing you away. You tell yourself that I cannot look to someone else for happiness. Happiness is within me. And you go after that - not by hurting others but by pursuing interests that possibly your WS has refused to share with you even though they expect you to share their interests with them. And so the cycle begins. You start to go in separate directions. You stop looking to each other to fill the void. But I will say this, and I would guess I am not alone, I DID NOT START THIS CYCLE - I RESPONDED TO IT FOR MY OWN SANITY. It was never the direction I wanted to take for my M. But begging for someone to care enough to share their affection, time and intimacy with you can be humilating and so very hurtful in a way that is impossible to communicate. We have little choice but to leave and disrupt our family or choose to stay and find our happiness. And it works. Until d-day! And then the knowledge of what your WS has done and the years of this doing come crashing down on you like an avalanche. And you live with this, and you try to make sense of this, and you cry and you scream and you beg your WS to tell you why he couldn't be more honest with you, why he chose the low road. And all he can say back is I didn't think you loved me anymore. At which point the only thing keeping you from literally attacking him is the knowledge that it would be you who would be convicted of assault even though you have been assaulted for years and never knew the TRUE reason why until the whole ugly truth is finally revealed.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 5:51 AM, April 9th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
wewillbeok
New Member
Member # 9331
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

K9
ďDid you feel "weird" during the affair when all four of you were together?Ē
Yes sometimes I did, actually most of the times I did. I knew it was wrong but just couldnít see how to get out of it.
ďDid you feel guilty?Ē
Yes I did. But sometimes when you know that you are doing something wrong or that you know isnít right, you try to make excuses in your head to rationalize it. If youíve never experienced that, then its hard to understand but Iím sure that others in my situation have. You tell yourself that your marriage isnít what you need it to be, that you are helping someone, etc. I know now how ridiculous that sounds but then it was how I justified the A.
ďIf you four were so close, did YOU witness your SIL being cold or remote or whatever the reason your BIL used to have an affair with you? Or looking back in hindsight were you just willing to believe whatever your BIL told you?Ē
I did witness some of SIL being cold, etc. She had a weird self image. She was just not an affectionate person. She was before they were married but after the kids, she just wasnít. She only had sex when she wanted it, less than five times a year unless she wanted a baby. They never touched, held hands, etc. He felt he was a paycheck for years. This was an issue that everyone of our friends knew about. He didnít hide his feelings about her.
ďWere things bad in your relationship or were you "bored"?Ē
Things werenít too bad. We didnít talk much. My H is one to hold his feelings in. We just didnít open up with one another they way we should have. BIL was not an Adonis by any means either but he did show me attention and would listen when I talked, no matter what I talked about.
ďHow did the kids find out (if they did) and have you seen any fall-out from them?Ē
This is a hard one. We have four children now d21, d18, s13 and s12. H found out in May of 2005. I told BIL that H knew. The three of us talked three days later. BIL said he was sorry for hurting H but said that we couldnít tell his W because the fall out would be too devastating for everyone including the kids. Through much discussion between them, H decided to go along with this. We still would go out, etc. (always with other people there so it wasnít just the four of us), but BIL tried getting with me three times after that. Every time he tried something, I would tell husband. At the end of July he had it. We were all invited to another friendís house for a cookout and cards. We didnít take our kids and we went with the intention that H would talk to BIL and tell him that he knew about the three times and basically tell him that was it. Not to long after we got there, H took BIL off to the side and said his peace. We left. SIL asked BIL what was up and he just blurted it out and told her about the A. She went crazy. We had plans to take the two younger children away for the weekend. It was the oldest daughterís birthday in a couple of days and we decided to wait to tell the kids until after her B-day. While we were gone, SIL called the house talked to Daughter #2. Told her that she loved her and just talked to her like she would never see her again. My daughter actually thought that she was going to kill herself. She kept asking if SIL was okay and said that she loved her too. They talked for about 15 minutes. About another 15 later SIL called again and told her about the A. Needless to say her world came crashing down. We were 8 hours away. We packed up and came home. After a lot of family discussions, screaming, fighting, etc., we seem to be doing okay now. Daughter #2 is a daddyís girl and always has been. It was a very difficult situation for us but we have managed to salvage our relationship. Things are on the right course now. We have had no contact with BIL, SIL or their kids.
Sorry this was so long and I hope that it helped somehow.
Wewillbeok


Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Ohio
wewillbeok
New Member
Member # 9331
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sohappy

1. Did you ever think about how much this was going to hurt your H and the rest of the family? Or were your thoughts mostly centred around you and BIL and how the A made you feel?
I guess that I tried not to because Iím sure that if I thought about it, I wouldnít have continued the A.
2. Did you think you would ever get caught? Did you ever want to be caught? Did you think about how you would handle it if you got caught?
I tried not to think about getting caught. I did want to end it and actually several times we decided that we were going to end it. This A was definitely initiated by him (not saying that I donít have any responsibility in it but it would be him stopping by my house during the day). Iím not sure if initiated is the right word but after we would say that was it, no more, a couple of weeks would go by he would feel the need and he would show up. I do and have taken responsibility for this A and in looking back now I see how used I was. He wasnít getting something at home and because I did truly care about him, he got it from me. Iím having trouble finding the right words here and I hope that this is coming out right. If you need follow up, just ask.
3. At any time during the A did you and BIL try to end the relationship?
I think I covered that.
4. Did you and BIL talk 'in order to get your stories straight'? By that I mean did you guys plan out your responses so they were consistent?
No, we really didnít have to. Our A wasnít really about ďintercourseĒ it was more about oral sex. Not like that is any different, cheating is cheating. What I mean is that we would steal moments here and there. During the day when he stopped by, no one would know but that wasnít too often. H had horseshoe tournaments in the yard and we would steal moments in the house together. We never really had to explain time together.
5. Did you ever laugh/snicker/talk about your H/SIL with each other? Did you mock them ever? Hmmm..this question is not coming out right. How do I say this? When you guys lied or manipulated the situation so you could be together (I'm just assuming you did this...if you didn't then I apologize) did you laugh about how your H/SIL bought the lie?
I never mocked my H. He sometimes would say stuff about his W but not that often.
6. You said that in your head you thought that you were helping BIL. I heard this from wh and ow too. How did it become OK in your mind that your help involved physical actions? In your mind, what was being physical helping him with?
God how awful that sounds but itís how I felt at that time. I guess I thought that by showing him someone could be there for him, affectionate to him and to satisfy his needs, he could also find it when he left his wife. He had plans to leave or at least that is what he told me. He kept a journal of her actions. She also drank a lot and he was the one mostly caring for the kids.
7. Did you ever tell yourself that you had crossed the line? Can you share some of your internal dialogue on this.
Oh I, we both knew that we had crossed that line. I just couldnít seem to find my way back to the line. Iím still trying to deal with the internal dialogue on this. I donít know how I could have hurt the one person in my life that I truly love. I think about it every day but I have to go on. H and I now talk a lot whenever and where ever we need to. He realizes that I need that from him. We canít move forward by living in the past. You have to keep moving forward. Some days are harder than others but we make a conscious effort to not live in the past and to just move forward.
I hope that this has helped. Thank you again for not attacking me. Iím doing this to me heal as well as you all. Attacking someone and name calling always leads to being defensive and never really accomplishes anything. Thanks again!
Wewillbeok


Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Ohio
wewillbeok
New Member
Member # 9331
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgivenotforget Ė

Iím sorry for your pain and Iím sorry if what Iíve said caused you more. I never went out looking for an affair, I guess that I was just vulnerable to one. I donít want to make excuses for what Iíve said or what Iíve done, but Iím trying to learn from my mistakes to make sure that they donít happen again. I did need more in my marriage and so did my H and by the grace of God we get a second chance. It takes an incredible man to forgive and look beyond faults in someone he loves and I must say that I have an incredible man. I love you babe!

Wewillbeok


Posts: 35 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Ohio
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