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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, my STBXH said he wouldn't get the kids together (as a couple) at first, too. Then they decided "spur of the moment" to take them to HER CHURCH PICNIC! as their first outing. Then, they had another "spur of the moment" get together the very next day. That was last May. They have all been together at least once a week ever since. The kids say that they are pretty huggy/kissy. Sad, really.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

couldn't imagine a life w/o her at least as "a friend." Did I ever hear that he couldn't imagine a life w/o me?

Yeah, that is one of the hardest parts. My X said that he could not "abandon" OW. But then he turned around and really did abandon DD and I. ANd he wonders why I refuse to be his "friend"


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17282 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
LiveLuvLaph
♀ Member
Member # 15536
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tigerlilly)))

Is OW now your X's fiance?

I'm surprised you didn't have a no paramours clause put into the visitation agreement.

Most courts support such clauses since AP's don't usually develop permanent, lasting relationships. And the courts don't want kids exposed to or attached to people who are put into "parental" roles because of temporary love-life choices.

It's been almost a year since he's exposed the kids to her. You should've gone back to court right away and put an end to that. It's prolly too late to do anything about it now. JMO

Wait, it says STBXH? If you're not divorced, why is he taking the kids around her? And to Church? OMG


BW(me)now 44
DDay 9-11-02 DDay 2: 5-16-2012
"BS's spend way too many years fixing problems that only existed in the cheating mind of their WS."
Wincing_at_light
"Sometimes the breakups hurt far less than the relationship."
Aesir

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Jul 2007
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H urged me to spend more time with SIL/OW as well. So that our kids would see their cousins more often. Because it was so nice to have family that you got along with.

And I bragged to EVERYONE how great it WAS to have family that you got along with, that you could hang out with.

Little did I know that as I was enjoying "hanging out" with my family, H was enjoying "letting it all hang out (or in...or in and out)" with SIL.

Some days I feel like a complete fool because I actually would say "let's go over to BIL and SIL's - we haven't seen them for a few days"...I pretty much set them up for dates.

[This message edited by funny story at 4:57 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LivLuvLaph
Yeah, I do hate the idea of them being together, but I asked 3 different lawyers about this last year. They all said that there was nothing that I could do. Maybe it varies by state? and

funny story
The kids had been around her SO MUCH before I knew. We were together all the time. I pretty much set up their dates too. We had pizza w/ them and another family every Friday night. I invited her over for dinner when her husband was away, had her watch my kids sometimes and my STBX was picking the kids up. I also 'bragged' about how great my new neighborhood was and how great it was to have these close friends.

LivLuvLaph
"Fiance?" Hmm, that's a good question. They did have matching hemp braclets on this summer maybe that was in liue of a ring. We are nowhere near divorced. We have a property settlement agreement but no legal custody arrangement. I have refused to start the divorce paperwork before that is settled. Currently, he has them 2 evenings and every other w/e, but they sleep at my house S-Th. Get this, her kids think she is staying w/ a (female) friend- or ay least that is what she told them. She stays w/ my STBX on alternate days and stays at her family home on the other days. Her STBX stays at his mom's on her nights. i think that will be ending soon, though. I have heard from others that they (my STBX and OW) are looking for a house together. My STBX has not mentioned marriage to me, but obviously since she is so christian, she will not want to move in w/ him (in front of her kids) if she is not married. (She has mentioned marriage to many people.)

And
Dreamboat
I will write more on this another time, but my STBX gave me all that crap too. On the same day that he told me about the church picnic, he cried b/c he was so sad that I was no longer his friend, b/c I had been his best friend for 20 years. Quite unbelievable, really.

I will try to write my whole story on my profile soon. if it wasn't my life, it might be riveting material.

[This message edited by tigerlilly at 6:08 PM, April 19th (Saturday)]


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if it wasn't my life, it might be riveting material.

I can't decide if mine is a really bad soap opera or Jerry Springer My IC said I should write a book. I would LOVE to get rich while exposing X and his whore


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17282 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't always figure out all the initials. Is there a 'key' somewhere on this site to all the abbreviations?


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't always figure out all the initials. Is there a 'key' somewhere on this site to all the abbreviations?

Check the healing library.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

Many of the abbrevs that you see are there. for others, just ask. Sometimes we make them up as we go along


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17282 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
ispyonyou
♀ Member
Member # 18478
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just realized that I can post here.DUH! I did not know what a double betrayal was. My WH had an EA/PA with my best friend/neighbor for 3yrs while concurrently having EA's with 5 OW. I have a winner don't I? The horrible part is her XH had an A and left her and 2 kids for the OW,married the OW and had a child with OW. So my darling best friend does this to me? F*** Her! I'm 6 weeks from DDay and I'm still standing.


BS DDAY Feb08 " ...I faced it all and I stood tall; and did it my way..."

Posts: 129 | Registered: Mar 2008
only once
Member
Member # 18835
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Ispyonyou.

Lots of support here for you. We've all been through double betrayal. I'm really starting to hate the word betrayal.


Me BS 54
Him 54 FWS
D-day Oct 19/07

Posts: 476 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Canada
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This website is so therapuetic for me. it has been more than a year and I am wanting to talk about it less w/ most friends.

What are your experiences w/ other friends, especialy ones that know everyone involved? I just got off the phone w/ one. I feel 'baited' sometimes. I am careful not to bring up OW and MSTBX yet this woman brings them up, complains about the OW, then seems surprised that I am still upset by them. WTF?


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
Skippy
Member
Member # 15387
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of out mutual friends know. OW was BF. They are careful for the mostpart not to mention OW. They only discuss her if I bring her up. My friends are still in shock over the entire thing.

It still does not help that I see her all the time.

I do need some advice. OW lives around the corner. I see her all the time. She has never spoken to me after I found out and confronted my H and told her H. She really tries to avoid me.
I have alot of unresolved issues with her. I became pregnant right after D day and did not want to risk confronting her in person until after I had the baby. (I have a long history of miscariages and told I could not have any more children.)

Well anyway, I had the baby and he is healthy and great. I know feel extreamly angry at her again and want to confront her and tell her how wonderful I really think she is.

I don't know if I should do this or not. I IM'ed her once and she did not respond. I also made sure her entire family new and she did not say a word.
Should I just let this go. I feel like she got away with destroying my life. She has had no real ramifications for doing this except being embaressed and losing face with her family and lost a group of friends. We had a 20 year relationship. She tried to take my life. She is my single white female. (My H allowed her to do this too.)

Maybe I am just hormonal. I had the baby 3 weeks ago.


D-Day 6/1/07

Status: ?


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2007
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skippy, I'm right there with you - OW was my SIL (she STILL is my SIL I guess)...

I too feel that she's had no real consequences for what she's done - she's still living in her little dreamland and not owning her own shit.

I really wish I could ream her out in front of the whole family so that there was no mistake in her eyes how I really felt and she could not play the "victim" to the rest of the family.


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skippy

Yeah, i would wait. Not to say that you should just "let it go," but 1-wait until you are less hormonal, 2-figure out what, if anything would really satisfy you. Maybe write a letter to figure out what it is you really want to get/want her to get out of it. I did once say a few unkind words to my OW/former BF. It was satisying for a few weeks, but not lasting. Now, when I see her I just make eye contact and say nothing. I may say something again, but it would need to be really worth it and exactly what I want to say and I am still not sure what that is yet. And, yeah, mine wanted to take my life too. she kept telling me and my STBX that we were "the two coolest people she knew." Justwait, he is not nearly so cool when he is not helping at all around the house and sitting in front of the TV. HA, Jokes on her.

[This message edited by tigerlilly at 6:11 PM, April 19th (Saturday)]


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To those who's OW/OM is a family member and continues to be...do you still see them?

I had to be with her at Christmas and it was horrid. She might show up to DS's birthday party tomorrow.

It causing me severe stress.


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((funny story)))

How was the BDay party? Did you have to see her?


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B-day party went great - SIL did not show up, so it was very uneventful on that end.

But you know, I was mad at her for not coming - I realized that I would've probably have been mad if she did show up too, but she hasn't seen her niece or nephew since Christmas. I think "how can you do that"???

I almost cried a couple times when I watched my nephews playing with my son and daughter yesterday - they are all so innocent and now DS is asking for cousin again.

I think maybe I should call BIL and try to schedule a playdate.


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

f/s

A's, by nature are selfish acts. "How can she do that?" B/c she is more concerned w/ herself than her or your children. That is how she can do it.

My STBX and his OW broke up 2 families. When I asked me H on the night he decided that he would rather be w/ her, "What about the children?", his response was "Don't I deserve to be happy?" I think that sums it up, don't you?


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

>>"Don't I deserve to be happy?" I think that sums it up, don't you?<<

Tigerlilly, I think we may have the same STBXH!! Mine said, "I think it's time I started thinking about me." Right, as if it hadn't always been all about him.

It's amazing how similar so many of our stories are. The OW in my case was a friend of 15 years. My children called her "Auntie", and we hung out all the time - barbecues, pool parties, poker nights - multiple times a week we were together.

My STBXH also was immediately shoving OW and her kid down my 2 children's throats. DS12 finally had enough outbursts and refusals that I think he realized that he had to cut back on these "group dates" (not sure what else to call them) Can anyone elaborate on the "paramours" clause? I'm thinking I will need something like this. I know he and OW will move in together as soon as it looks like they just recently developed this relationship.

Tigerlilly, the mutual friends thing has been so hard on me. It amazes me that these "friends" do not see OW and STBXH's "friendship" for what it is - an A. Some of them will still talk to me or reply to emails, etc, but it is abundantly clear that they do not want to hear any more of the details or any more accusations about the two of them having an A. Apparently, they've all been convinced that STBXH left the marriage because of me and his unhappiness - not because he was deep in an EA (plus more?) with OW.

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 5:56 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WB2, I just read your story on your profile. With a few minor changes, it could have been mine. The one thing I will say regarding mutual friends is "Give it time." It was excrutiating for me to watch as people tried to 'not take sides' and 'be supportive of everyone.' One friend even lent her a dress to wear to a banquet w/ him right after we split! and told me about it! Now, more then a year has past and people are really begining to see them for what they are (which is selfish). She has lost most of her friends and he did not have many to begin with. Try to just do your own thing as much as you can. lean on people you can truly count on and in time your STBX and the OW's true colors will show through. The less you say, the better you lok. Trust me.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
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