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User Topic: Double Betrayal
Finding Myself
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Member # 18468
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My partner had an affair with my best friend.
We'd moved to a new town and became friends with her fairly quickly. She felt like one of those friends you have had for your whole life, the ones you know will be there forever. I trusted her 100%, just like I trusted him. But she really took advantage of us - it was truly a one way friendship. We put up with it because we were so happy to make a new friend.
Near the end of June I went overseas, fulfilling the dream of a lifetime (a dream which now feels like a nightmare). Within a week she had found an excuse to get him drunk and get into our bed (we had just moved house, it was winter and they couldn't find the spare blankets)
She jumped him and he went along with it.
It hurts so much that she would do that to me. I know he never would have initiated an affair. Why did she think it was ok? But he was vulnerable for all the classic reasons. It kept going the whole time I was away, and for two months after I came back.
When I left I had the man of my dreams, a best friend and a great life. When I came back I came into a nightmare. They excluded me from everything, it was like he cut me out of his life completely. And she did a bit of a single white female - changed all her classes to mine, took over my job, took over my man, tried to take my life.
When I cried to her about how bad things were in my relationship she "comforted" me and told me it was better if I left him and went back to my home town - she even offered to help me pack.
The double betrayal was the worst. We had built our lives around our friendship with her. Now, trying to avoid her, I can't go to class, I'm not invited to parties, I can't go out on the town - we live in a small town and there's just no way to avoid her unless I stay at home all the time. We are moving back to our home town because they destroyed my life here, a life I was so happy with and so proud of making for myself.
I always thought she was my friend. I really cared for her. I did so much for her. But now I can't help but wonder if she was pretending the whole time, just waiting for her chance to get to him. I didn't even think it would be a risk as she professes to be a lesbian.
The worst thing is I don't trust any of my friends any more. I thought she was completely trustworthy. So when I look at anyone else who I think is trustworthy, that voice in the back of my head says 'they could be stabbing you in the back right now'.

[This message edited by Finding Myself at 12:11 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


"When the heart weeps for what it has lost, the spirit laughs for what it has found".

Posts: 170 | Registered: Mar 2008
nicksmom
♀ Member
Member # 18329
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well i thought i was doing well in R with my WS, we are in MC, he is fully trying to do whatever it takes to R. and in telling the whole truth, i find out 2 days ago that he also had A with my sister 10 years ago. it was a "one time thing" in my house with me upstairs asleep, and I took her into my home when she had no where else to go. she had to move when her fiance was cheating on her. needless to say it is a long, dysfunctional story of lies, betrayal, envy and well, evil. the weird thing is, my first reaction was not anger at him anymore but at her. i guess since we are in MC and he is repenting, i feel our marriage has a chance. but she did this and has acted like the "loving ' sister for all these years. unforgivable. i havent confronted her yet. and given her history with men, its true. i feel like i have been shot.


Me: BS 44 yrs old
Him: WS 46 yrs old
Married 25 years
3 boys:25, 20, 4
D-Day 12/27/07
D-Day 2 3/7/08
D-Day 3: 3/22/08
Multiple ONS over 27 years
STD in the mix
Reconciling; One day at a time.
Realized my Faith in God is real.

Posts: 160 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: kentucky
devastated813
♀ Member
Member # 11814
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am about 19 months out from
DDay. My FWh is an alcoholic (thankfully in recovery for over two years now) and had many, many OW during his drinking days. One of the most painful revealations came when I was told he had been with my oldest and best friend 2x's. Both were drunk each time (not an excuse I know) and it happened years apart and years before I found out.
R is going really good, IC has helped immensely and AA has helped my FWH become a much better, less selfish, more content man. When I confronted my friend after I found out, she was very apologetic, remorseful and willing to do whatever I needed her to do. I cut off all contact with her and her family because of the pain it caused in me.

My issue now is that I miss my friend. I know that if we reconnected that our relationship could never be the same again. I know that she may not be able to have a relationship with me because of her guilt and shame. My counselor says that my wanting to reconnect shows that I am healing and becoming softened to what has happened. But, I'm afraid. Afraid she is not capable of being my friend, afraid she wouldn't want to be my friend, afraid of being hurt by her again and being rejected by her. Has anyone been able to be friends again with someone that had sex with their spouse? Any words of wisdom?


BS(ME)-45
WS(HIM)-45
Married 24 years
3 Girls - 22,18, 16
DDay - 8/21/06
DDay#2 - 6/18/07 (getting the details now)

Posts: 77 | Registered: Aug 2006
Finding Myself
♀ Member
Member # 18468
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

devastated813 - well I'm here because of the situation I wrote about at the top of this page. No chance of resuming friendship there (although I am still grieving the loss).
But many years ago, a very good friend got together with my boyfriend. I was angry and hurt, but I valued her friendship more than I valued him, and we were determined not to let our friendship die over it. I did need to take time out to get over it, and once I reconnected with her things were strained and strange for quite a while. But now, many years later, that man is a blip in our past and our friendship is as strong as ever.
If you value her friendship that much, and you can get over what she did, I'd give it a shot. She probably misses you too and is more scared than you that you wouldn't want to be her friend.


"When the heart weeps for what it has lost, the spirit laughs for what it has found".

Posts: 170 | Registered: Mar 2008
devastated813
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Member # 11814
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

finding myself -
Thanks for the post. I also posted this under reconcilation, but the responses I got there were overwhelmingly against any kind of contact. So, I appreciate your response, as I was looking for any indication that someone has experienced this and actually reconciled with the friend. This is a friend that I have known for 25 years, we raised our children together, shared a lot of history and she is present in 25 years worth of my photographs. Certainly when I first found out, I thought that there was no way that I could ever want a relationship with her again. Now, I guess I have softened somewhat, although I go back and forth on initiating anything. But if I really look into my heart, I miss her.

Regarding your situation, I can certainly identify. My FWH was also with his business partner (3 yrs.) a neighbor, who I considered a friend, an adult babysitter, who I considered a friend and many others that I considered my friends. When I first found out, I did not trust anyone. It helped me to have him come clean on everybody he had been with so that I did not look at everyone and wonder?? But I will not be foolish enough again to blindly trust anyone. If anything seems suspicious about my FWH and his actions or whereabouts, I check it out.

Good luck to you and know that things can get better. Part of me envies you that you get to get away from the area. I continually "run into" some of the OW that my FWH has been with (talk about triggers). In the early days, I wished that I could move away and not have them in my life as a constant reminder. It was not feasible for us. If you were able to build a life before, you can do it again. Just keep your eyes, ears and senses wide open.


BS(ME)-45
WS(HIM)-45
Married 24 years
3 Girls - 22,18, 16
DDay - 8/21/06
DDay#2 - 6/18/07 (getting the details now)

Posts: 77 | Registered: Aug 2006
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Sad  Posted: 8:53 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post here at SI, but I have been reading here for a few weeks and have been encouraged by the words I have read. I think that I have found a place where people will understand what I'm going through. And most importantly not judge me. I know I have friends here on these boards - we just haven't met yet.

My husband of 17 years entered into an EA(at least) with a long-time mutual friend. I thought of her as a sister. My H and I have known her for 15 years, and spent more time with her and her family than with our own families. We were there to support her 18 months ago when she kicked her alcoholic STBXH out of the house, and now I sadly realize that this was probably the true beginning of the end of my marriage. She was his damsel in distress, and he got sucked in hook line and sinker. Unfortunately for me, I actually TRUSTED the man I loved for 24 years and my "sister" friend to keep their friendship on an appropriate level. What a fool I was. By the time the alarm bells started sounding, I didn't know what to do. What could I do? I'm sure it was too late by then anyway. Emotionally he had already checked-out of our marriage.

The sting of the double betrayal is horrible. Often times it is unbearable. To think that I could have misjudged these 2 people that I loved so much. The anger and the hurt is so huge. Not only have I lost my husband and friend, but other "friends" apparently think that their relationship is acceptable to them and have ceased communication with me.

I think losing the frieds is maybe nearly as painful as losing the husband at this point. I wish I could hear the stories that he's told them. But they're probably the same ones that he gives to me - the same distorted, self-serving, re-written history and BS that spews from his mouth

I know some of you have heard the same ones. How about "I haven't loved you for years" and "we don't have things in common anymore", "you don't want to do the same things as me", "my leaving has nothing to do with her", and my personal favorite - "We are not in a relationship. We are friends. We've always clicked; you know that." I just get so tired of hearing his pathetic lies and justifications.

We have 2 kids, and now they are also suffering because of this double betrayal. My DS 12 has been hit so hard. For him, the abandonment and betrayal are huge. Of course, POS WH expects me to fix this all up for him. As if I could or would

The mind games. I'm so sick of the mind games.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((wounded))

I too know the betrayal. My H had an affair with my SIL (his bro's wife).

To think I trusted these people together alone completely and then to find out about this (it was a three month PA and would probably still be going on if they didn't get caught) is just devastating.

And because it's still in our family, it makes every interaction with every family member difficult as H's whole family knows about the affair (I mean, how could they not?!).

Not that I wish H had an affair, but it would have been easier if it was with a perfect stranger that I didn't know every detail about.


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H had a with our next door neighbor/friend. OW's h was my h's best friend. After getting caught, h lied for one year until his precious ow went on a fatal attraction meltdown that made Glenn Close look tame. H finally confessed because his back was against the wall thinking that it would all come out in one of the many court hearings that ow dragged me through. (all lies of course on her part) A detective told me that if it was all true, I most certainly would be in jail by now.

OW's h jumped on the bandwagon and made accusations against me and h. Said that I tried to kill him by running him down by his mailbox. It was really sad to see what my h and ow had done to the friendship. OW stooped so low that she even filed a false felony burglary report against my h. It was unfounded as were all the other accusations.

All for what?? Something new and exciting I guess. So now the ow and her h have absoutly no friends on our block or anywhere else for that matter. They live like little hermits in their hole with their two kids. Nobody cares to talk to them or be friends with them. I know that my h misses the friendship he had with ow's h. As for me, well, I do still watch my back. I really do feel sorry for her two young sons.

It is all very sad. And for what??? All the pain and heartache for what? I will never understand how a person can betray their spouse, let alone their best friend. I will never forgive ow for acting like she was my friend so that she could get closer to my h and turn on me. I can't imagine doing that to a friend. I do feel sorry for her pathetic self.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 10:28 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2390 | Registered: Sep 2005
mdsjmom98
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Member # 4931
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funnystory -
I could've written your post. OW is my niece, and since they both made that stupid choice to do what they do, all family gatherings are awkward. I know my family is uncomfortable around him, (mostly the other nieces) and I know I don't feel comfortable with him interacting with other females in my family (even still...)

I also feel like I had to tell them to make a choice between her and me. I do NOT want to hear her name mentioned, I could give 2 shits less if she pops out 1 baby or 10, yet for some reason they feel they have to share the news with me. I finally had to flip out and tell them to stop it, and I think since that point, they've all pretty much decided to stay away from me. I breaks my heart, really.


Him - WH - 45
Me - BS - 44
OW - my niece - 38
Married 24 years
2 kids (boys) 13, 21
Reconciling 7 years

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger.


Posts: 1280 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Illinois
jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just now getting to the point of wanting to think about the double betrayal. OW and I got to know each other a couple of years ago. She and WH worked together, and she was having trouble getting to know people in the area, so we started hanging out.

I was at her wedding. I wore her mother's sari at her wedding, ferchrissakes!

She came to see my son when he was sick at the hospital, more than once. We've babysat for each other, I was one of the first to see her first baby.

I'm sort of mourning all this, and wondering at the same time WHY. Why did she not mind taking away so much time from WH and me? The spending too much time together started when her husband was sent to another country to work. WH would go there, saying she was lonely and he wanted to keep her company. I'm not lonely? I'am a SAHM to a disabled child. I'm way lonelier than she ever was.

WH keeps saying they're just friends. OW has said the same thing. It's gotten pretty point blank, right down to, "Are you fucking my husband?" and she's always said no. The not knowing is killing me. Not being able to trust two of the people I never thought would hurt me has been horrible.

WH still seems to think that OW has a place in his life. The only good thing is that OW will finally be moving at the end of this month, to the other country (sadly, not far enough away!).

Maybe I'll get my husband back then. But will it only be by default?

[This message edited by jolene at 8:49 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
funny story
♀ Member
Member # 16855
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mdsjmom,

I know what you mean about family gatherings. We haven't all been together since Christmas and I don't think we will be again until H's sister's wedding this summer (which, get this...me and OW/SIL are BOTH standing up for other SIL - and H's sister knows about the affair!!!).

But that's a WHOLE other story!

I too feel like an outcast even though I did nothing wrong because I either want to talk to someone about it and feel I can't because we're all still in the same family, or everyone avoids me so that it doesn't even have to be brought up.


It really sucks.


(me) BW - (33)
WH - (37)
Married: 11 years
Children: DD - 11, DS - 8
D-Day: September 22, 2007

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Nov 2007
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jolene--I feel your pain. It is the same pain that I've been feeling for the past few months.

WH keeps saying they're just friends. OW has said the same thing. It's gotten pretty point blank, right down to, "Are you fucking my husband?" and she's always said no. The not knowing is killing me. Not being able to trust two of the people I never thought would hurt me has been horrible.

This is exactly what I've experienced. We're made out to be crazy for what we're accusing them of, but yet, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, don't you suppose the most people would say it's a duck?? It's really hard for me that other friends have chosen to believe that it's not a duck.

You are lucky that OW is moving away, but I would lay odds that they will continue a long distance EA at the very least.

Take care of you and your child. Seek counseling if you haven't already. My DS 12 and I are both in counseling and on meds to deal with the hurt, anxiety, anger and rage over his father's selfish and stupid behavior.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
aokmom
♀ Member
Member # 18610
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confronting the OW…Epilogue…
(I have just discovered this site and have become a writing maniac. I guess what I am hoping for is a tiny bit more closure and to be with people who understand. I hope I am not breaking any rules by posting something so long!)
I posted my story in the “Just Found Out” forum (see “My Story”…my XWH and my best friend had an A and now live together). Even though it has been almost two years since I have kicked him out and our divorce is final, I am still grieving. Not over him and certainly not over her, but I am grieving over the loss of the marriage…. And what could have been. I grieve for the family life I envisioned for my children will never happen. Like a few of you have said – I am not as mad at him as I am at HER. Well guess what? I actually did get to confront her. This person whom I had known since I was 12 for heaven’s sake!!
We had our beautiful family home up for sale and while the kids were out with friends one weekend and I was staying with one of my girlfriends for the night - he told me he was bringing in a cleaning service to clean in prep for an open house. Instead, I found out from a third person that SHE was the “cleaning crew.” Now nothing gives me more satisfaction to know she was scrubbing MY toilets….but that FB was in MY house rifling through MY things, all the while I’m sure bad-mouthing to him about what a bad housekeeper I was.
My girlfriend sent her husband with me to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid or get arrested because I was FUMING. I had never felt such unbelievable RAGE course through my body before. When we arrived at my home, my XWH was in the front yard and almost had a heart attack when he saw me. He came up to me and tried to explain why she was there, that she was “helping” us get the house ready (WTF??? “Help” us??). In the meantime, she locks the front door and tries to hide! I ran into the house through the garage and she took off running out the front door! All I remember is her fat jiggly body spilling over her trashy tank top (3 sizes too small for her) and she looked like CRAP. No make-up, hair was a mess and she had gained several more pounds since I saw her. Her fat ass was bouncing down MY front walkway trying to get away from me. And thanks to the infidelity diet, I was thinner and hotter than my wedding day 14 years prior.
Keep in mind that I have never been a very confrontational person. I don’t like fighting or violence or yelling. People that can’t control their tempers and act mature belong on Jerry Springer or a therapist’s couch. However, that day, standing in front of my big beautiful two story suburban home with a pool, view of the city, end of a cul-de-sac, upper middle class neighborhood…..I could have easily been welcomed on the Jerry Springer show no questions asked. I don’t remember everything I said to her because I had so much adrenaline pumping through my veins….all I know is my mouth and brain were on auto-pilot and she had this look of holy-shit-I-am-dead-meat-but-I-am-going-to-try-and-act-indignant-and-arrogant. The “F” word was used quite profusely (by me). At that moment in my life I knew that if she made one move toward me I would have strangled her with my bare hands and not felt an ounce of guilt. Not even the thought of how it would play out for my children could have stopped me. I was capable of doing some serious bodily harm or worse to this person, this objectification of all that was wrong in my life and was causing my children and I so much pain….that was standing in front of me – holding a dust rag.
She tried to push past me to get back into the house and I had my opening offer. I lunged at her, ready to hurt her like she had hurt my family. My XWH then wrapped his arms around me from behind, picked me up and pulled me away from her. I told both of them to get their shit and get out of my house. But then before they left I pulled my XWH back into the house and told her to go sit her fat ass in the car – she complied. I kept him in the house for 45 minutes (on purpose) trying to get him to explain to me why he would bring his whore into the place where I and our children live. Wasn’t it bad enough that we had to sell the house and uproot our children from a home they loved just so he could get his rocks off with a skanky piece of ass? Had he no soul?? He started crying a couple of times, which just pissed me off even more. What a friggin baby. I finally told him to just leave since I couldn't stand the look of him or the smell of her anymore.
That was a year and a half ago and I have not seen her since, but I have seen pictures of her posted on a website from a yacht club they joined together. And talk about bad karma –she quit her job a few years ago to go to law school. Well she graduated in 2005 and has she been able to pass the bar…? Nope. Has she gone back to work? Nope. Has she found her latest meal ticket in my XWH? Yep. And has she gained another 25 lbs. because she doesn’t work, has no children and does nothing all day? Yep. Ladies and gentlemen…we have a winner!!!!
Despite the grief over the loss of the “fantasy” I thought I had a firm grip on....I have changed – a lot. I finally got the balls to quit my job and go freelance. I’ve only been doing it a few months, but fortunately the work has been steady so far and I am annoyingly happy being my own boss. A couple of my girlfriends and I are starting our own web-based company selling merchandise and doling out advice Dear-Abbey style. I am much happier raising my children without my X…I realize now I was always trying to please him and nothing was ever good enough. I handled everything with the kids so being a single parent isn’t much different than what I was already doing, except now I don’t have to worry about his needs. I have been dating someone for over a year….I don’t really see the relationship going anywhere serious but he is hot, younger than me, tall, dark and handsome, smart and has the sexiest voice and accent. I like to call him my treat and I keep him very separate from my kids. He fits perfectly into my life right now. Not smothering at all, but there when I need him. Everything is fine in pretty much all aspects of my life….except that one wound that has scabbed over but not quite healed yet. I know it will happen someday and turn into a scar. And that’s ok.

[This message edited by aokmom at 10:24 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]


Me (BS): 39
WH: 39
Married: 14 years
Two beautiful kids: S-10, D-7
D-Day: 5/9/06
Divorce final: 1/18/08

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: CA
jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

aokmom, you RAWK!!!

I love the image of the skank trying to hide IN YOUR HOUSE.


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
jolene
♀ Member
Member # 17993
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're made out to be crazy for what we're accusing them of, but yet, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, don't you suppose the most people would say it's a duck?? It's really hard for me that other friends have chosen to believe that it's not a duck.

God, yes. I STILL don't know that there was a PA. WH is supposed to be coming home tonight, after a week of his being kicked out. I have to see him this weekend because our kid has a ski thing, and I have to go (son is MOTOR disabled and I have to be there to help him into the ski chair).

I don't know what more to do to investigate this shit. OW has not tried to call me after the last overstay he had with her (last Sat.). I would have ripped her head off.

However, I'm pretty sure she WILL try to call me before she moves. She still thinks that things can be smoothed over, she's innocent, etc. She actually thinks she's HELPING US!!

And that's when I'll give her a piece of my mind, making her wish she'd never laid eyes on my H.


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
aokmom
♀ Member
Member # 18610
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always thought she was my friend. I really cared for her. I did so much for her. But now I can't help but wonder if she was pretending the whole time, just waiting for her chance to get to him. I didn't even think it would be a risk as she professes to be a lesbian.

FindingMyself - I felt the same way, except I truly believe she coveted everything in my life more than I thought, and her stealing my husband was like taking my spot. She also is an admitted bisexual. But I am certain now she was pretending...just waiting for her chance when she felt our marriage was most vulnerable. It really is sick, isn't it? I mean, who the hell thinks like that?? And why would someone do that? THAT is what I have struggled with and tried to rationalize since day one.

When I did have a chance to confront her finally, I asked her point-blank: "why would you do something like this to me and my family?" Her answer: (Your gonna LOVE this!) "You made it perfectly clear that [another friend of mine] was your real best friend!"

My response: "Not true, however even if I did does that give you carte blanche to fuck my husband?"

People that do these things need psychotherapy in the worst way, however they don't attempt to get it because it will uncover all the shit that is stirring underground. And to them it is less painful to exact revenge on those that they love, in order to attempt to lessen the deeper pain that they have inside and are not consciously aware of.

Psychobabble, I know. Something to think about.


Me (BS): 39
WH: 39
Married: 14 years
Two beautiful kids: S-10, D-7
D-Day: 5/9/06
Divorce final: 1/18/08

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: CA
shayla0224
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Member # 12280
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

apparently this is where I belong! well here and in the multiple affairs board oh ya is there a board for survivors of a deviant?My F had a threesome with my nieghbor and his wife in nov after I went to bed.I tried to get by it and forgive i couldnt stand the giant ball of hatred sitting between our houses.I honestly felt although stupid and selfish it had been a drunken mistake.I never dreamed anything would ever happen again.I allowed this couple back into my home...for some reason i never really hated her husband probably cuz he didnt have sex with my F.Anyway I just found out and so did her husband that they have "feelings" for one another.Feelings that the 2 decided could never be acted upon.However I feel she did act on them when she voiced them to my F.Started calling him on the phone all the time, told him she was thinking about leaving her husband.I feel he acted on them by acknowleding he to had "something" there, accepting her calls, deleting them frm his cell, and calling her back on the work phone cuz i have no access to those records.This went on for 2 weeks.Her feelings were more for him then his were for her.He says he felt that it would go away and h had no intention of acting on them.He said u cant help your feelings so he doesnt feel he did anything wrong.He even has hopes that the 4 of us can be friends again.I hate her how can i do that?How do i get over living next door to her? i go in my backyard i can see her i pull in there she is again.It makes me want to put the great wall of china up around my house.Someone help me.



Posts: 86 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Hell
aokmom
♀ Member
Member # 18610
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So tonight was my XWH's big two hour weekly dinner with our kids. Lately he hasn't been taking the kids around the FB OW b/c, well, not sure but I like to think things aren't going so well between them. He was bitching to ME about her just a few weeks ago about how unstable she is

Innyhoo, he brings the kids home tonight and they came into the house carrying cookies and dyed easter eggs they all did together. How fucking cute. I think it is so nice that she can pretend for two hours that she actually gives a shit about my children, then send home all of the crap she bought b/c she knows it sends a message to me that "haha look at me I got to play the role of YOU tonight." I just want to take the eggs and the cookies and smash them into her ugly fat face.

Surprisingly, I don't get as worked up as I used to. A year and a half ago this would have sent me into a tailspin...he has no idea the damage he has caused. But I know he lives in denial-land and thinks everything is wonderful and I accept their relationship, which is utter horse-shit.

Just had to vent b/c the psychosis involved with all of this just make me want to !!!!

[This message edited by aokmom at 1:45 AM, March 20th (Thursday)]


Me (BS): 39
WH: 39
Married: 14 years
Two beautiful kids: S-10, D-7
D-Day: 5/9/06
Divorce final: 1/18/08

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: CA
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's a bit of a head-spinner~

OW ran into one of my friends at the store. OW also had a conversation a separate time with a mutual friend. Both times, my friends carefully touched on the A, specifically they asked OW why she never talked to me anymore and why we weren't civil for the sake of OC. They both told me her response was that "BW won't talk to me, I've tried to be civil but she just won't."

This is an outright lie~ I have been the one trying to explain to her that we should try to be civil, but she stubbornly retorts that she doesn't have to change for anybody and she'll do what she wants. And she's the one who specifically started saying back in 2005 that I am "not allowed" to say a word to her from now on, as I am not OC's parent.

Well after she told the lie to my friends, I e-mailed her about it. Her response (which was to my husband of course, not to me directly)~ "No, I will not discuss anything about a conversation you weren't present for, therefore is none of your business"

!!!????!!!


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shayla,
I feel your pain. The selfishness of our WPs is astounding, isn't it? The sexual deviance thing is one that I have also experienced. One time when we were out as couples with OW and her then H, I got really drunk - near to passing out drunk . Anyway, the 3 of them begin to act out their fantasy of group sex, and my WH decided that I would be a part of it. I really don't know what all happened that night. I finally was able to say no enough and begged him to stop and take me home. This was a huge breach of trust for me as he knew full well that I would never want to be a part of group sex. He still doesn't think it was that big a deal. He thought I was enjoying myself - yeah, right. I never spoke of the incident to our friends. We went on as if nothing had happened, but things were never as free and easy between us after that - at least not for me.

I can see that it must be hell for you to have the OW as your neighbor. Way too close for comfort. Be strong and hold your head up. You did nothing wrong. ((hugs))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


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