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Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
wookiegirl
♀ Member
Member # 16284
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO - FUCK that! If she wants to R, then she needs to show transparency. If she can't be transparent with you, I would put the 180 into place. I could never have got this far if my FWH was not completely transparent in his activities.


"I found out that the things that hurt us the most can become the fuel and the catalyst that propel us toward our destiny. It will either make you bitter or it will make you better."-- T.D. Jakes

Posts: 2118 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: The Magic Mirror
TeatimeAlice
♀ Member
Member # 17414
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS says it has always been her nature to be private and won't entirely open up to me. this is a week after d-day. she says she wants to reconcile, but has changed all passwords to phone, email and such, and says she has 'things' of her own she must work out. What does this mean? she slept w/my best friend.
Munky, my suspicion would be that she has much more of an emotional attachment to you "best friend" than she is admitting...possibly still in contact...I never did go back to your post to see if your friend had a wife or family...if he does I would tell his wife...she deserves to know and not be in the dark...also outing the affair would make it less likely to continue...jmo...hugs to you (((Munky)))....double betrayal really hurts bad...two people you love have betrayed you!!!


Divorce will be final around the time we should be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. Pray please I was a faithful loving wife and now my heart is forever crushed because my husband chose his sexual addictions over repairing our marriage. I

Posts: 348 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in Wonderland....wondering how/why this happened!
Munky
♂ New Member
Member # 17850
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never did go back to your post to see if your friend had a wife or family...

No, the OM is not married. He is single and struggles with alcoholism.


Damn! I love that woman!
Betrayed and still in love.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Minnesota
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

180 and or get papers ready. You have no choice. Choose you right now.


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
Munky
♂ New Member
Member # 17850
Helpless  Posted: 10:38 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God this hurts more than anything;

How do I go about ending a lifelong friendship, when we both share the same circle of friends? I don't want to drag my friends into any conflict, and still want to be in their lives. It is possible that my wife and I may end up in a location where the OM may be as a result of wanting to be with other(shared)friends. Do I have to write everyone off?. This is so frustrating! Also, My WS says she can't bear the thought that what she did by having EA with my best friend may end the friendship between he and I. She makes it seem like if I end my friendship, she will back out of Reconciling. HELP!! what does this mean!?
I want so bad for this to work, but its all so confusing.

[This message edited by Munky at 10:40 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]


Damn! I love that woman!
Betrayed and still in love.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Minnesota
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your so called friend is scum. Their can be no him in either of your lives. A marraige is two not three. I would rat to your communal friends. Affairs thrive in secrecy. That veil must be destoyed. Time for tough love from you. You must pull back and be you. You look weak now. I cannot say much as so am I. Hard as hell! Read the 180 is the healing library and modify it to your needs.

[This message edited by heftysmurf at 12:59 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWS had affair with my best friend. OW still lives a few houses away.

We are relocators and our neighbors were really our only friends.

Everyone now knows. I have tried attending events but I have a near nervous breakdown everytime I have to be near that woman. And I have no security having my husband near her.

I have come to the conclusion that my true friends will not put me in a position where I will have to be near here.

So yes, I have given up the majority of my friends. I now have my house up for sale and have to move because the constant reminders here are too painful to live with.

My husbands affair has cost me and my children just about everything. Our friends, our home, their school. It has caused great embarrassment and pain.

I am going to start a new life with new people and a new home. The OW can have the rest of what is left, I know what people truly think of her.

Make sure your friends are friends of the marriage. I tried not to put people in the middle, but I just cannot have it both ways. It is way too painful for me.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Munky, true friends do not destroy each others life. Let him go. He is not trustworthy and cares more about himself than you.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
Munky
♂ New Member
Member # 17850
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! This helps a lot. Though I see difficult times ahead, I will work on healing myself, then my marriage. The future holds what the future holds, and I'll take it as it comes to me.


Damn! I love that woman!
Betrayed and still in love.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Minnesota
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Munky,

Hon...from what your WS has said I would bet the barn that the affair is still going on.

A truly remorseful spouse will HAND you the passwords to everything. They would not use some excuse that they are a normally "private" person. She gave up all rights to privacy when she made the decision to have sex with your X-friend.

And hon...a TRUE friend would not have sex with your wife.

Five of my "friends" had sex with my WS. Only one friend said no. We still talk and she is a true friend of my marriage.

Let this guy go. You will never be able to trust him.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6323 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
mdsjmom98
♀ Member
Member # 4931
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Munky,
Since the OW is my niece, (her dad is my brother) there is still contact going on between her and my other siblings as well as her dad. Without boring you with the details, prior to the A, she wanted little to do with the other siblings, but now she is all buddy-buddy with them. WTF?? But I had to lay down some ground rules in this situation and say flat out that she was not to ever be a topic of discussion around me or my family ***EVER*** nor were they to talk about me to her.
Part of me wants to be completely childish, and tell them how she used to talk so bad about them prior to all this, (and she did say some pretty rotten things, including blaming my sister for being the OW) and to tell them that they have a choice: HER or ME!! I'm not going to stoop to that level, but I have established boundaries about what is acceptable around me and what isn't.

I got into a huge disagreement with her dad and he finally decided to call me. (totally unrelated to the A) He still seems to think that he can freely discuss her with me, and I need to at some point, sit down and say to him, too, that she is totally off limits with me.

It's a choice you have to make. If you choose your wife, then you have to cut him out completely, and tell the other friends that there is a problem, and it cannot be resolved PERIOD, so he is not to be discussed around you. If they are your true friends, they will accept it.

So sorry you're here. It's the worst pain in the world. You lose two for the price of one.


Him - WH - 45
Me - BS - 44
OW - my niece - 38
Married 24 years
2 kids (boys) 13, 21
Reconciling 7 years

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger.


Posts: 1280 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Illinois
wookiegirl
♀ Member
Member # 16284
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for those of you who knew the OP.

In my case, I'm finding it EXTREMELY difficult to maintain my friendships with other women in my life. I have one close friend that I've always had but otherwise, all the "single serving" friends I had that I used to go out with or party with, I've dumped. I can't trust them. I don't trust anyone anymore. I don't really have many friends other than the one I refered to and the people here on SI.

I guess I just feel like if I thought this skank was my friend and she could do this, what else are people capable of?

Do you have issues with trusting friends?


"I found out that the things that hurt us the most can become the fuel and the catalyst that propel us toward our destiny. It will either make you bitter or it will make you better."-- T.D. Jakes

Posts: 2118 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: The Magic Mirror
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wookie, I know exactly what you are saying.

OW was supposed to be my best friend. Someone I could rely on, talk to.

But instead she used me and wanted my life. She even admitted she thought FWS and her had a future, even at my expense.

Most of our friends were our neighbor(relocators) and I have for the most part cut off all ties with them as they still keep in contact with OW. They know everything and still choose to be friends with her.

I can't have it both ways. True friends would not still be friends with both of us.

The friends I have now are friends with children the same age as mine, and I mainly see them during the day while my boys are at school.

As for the future, I don't know how I will feel with having married couple friends. I don't know if I will ever trust my husband to have a close friendship with a woman, even as couples.

We went on vacations, outings, our kids played. We did everything together as couples. Except lunch time when she dropped her kids off at my house and met my husband for lunch and a quick screw.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
wookiegirl
♀ Member
Member # 16284
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't trust anyone. When my FWH mentions another girl at work or a girl he saw at the store or anything, I give him a look. Last night he actually said that he wasn't going to stop liking being friends with girls better than guys. Girls are better people. I right now know I cannot handle it. I cannot handle him having female friends. He's been great. I'm not complaining but when the day comes he has another female friend, I don't know what I'll do.

But I just cant trust anyone. I talk here and to my sister and my one girl friend. THAT'S IT. If I couldn't trust this woman I had known for years and been friends with then who can I trust?


"I found out that the things that hurt us the most can become the fuel and the catalyst that propel us toward our destiny. It will either make you bitter or it will make you better."-- T.D. Jakes

Posts: 2118 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: The Magic Mirror
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will not allow my husband any female friends. No way in hell. I don't trust anyone anymore. If he has a problem with it, he knows where the door is. He knows he lost that right along time ago.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
wookiegirl
♀ Member
Member # 16284
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We never talked about it. This was the first time he really said that he still liked being friends with girls since the A ended. I dunno how I'll handle it. I think for me it'll depend on a lot of different factors.


"I found out that the things that hurt us the most can become the fuel and the catalyst that propel us toward our destiny. It will either make you bitter or it will make you better."-- T.D. Jakes

Posts: 2118 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: The Magic Mirror
devastated07
♀ Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't belong in this "I Can Relate" thread but I just wanted to say how sorry I am and wish you all peace. I can literally feel the pain in every one of these posts. Hugs.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Wookie,

What you are feeling is normal.

I don't trust anyone.

Everyone is out for themselves.

Five of WS's FB's were my supposed "friend".

Yeah....right....with friends like them I'd rather hang with my enemies.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6323 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

feelsodeceived - I feel your comment. I am paranoid of having any friends especially couples. I really do not want anybody even over my house. I feel like that is another casualty of the affair. if people are over I will NEVER leave my WS alone with them.


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
TeatimeAlice
♀ Member
Member # 17414
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I go about ending a lifelong friendship, when we both share the same circle of friends?

Munky...it is hard, but you learn who your real friends are...my friend of 30+ years wasn't my friend at all...I grew up with her, her daddy baptized me...I was even at her home when her daddy brought her future husband home to meet her...he even came to my place of work a few nights after that and was friendly toward me...and I was TOO LOYAL to want to mess up what I saw as someone she wanted to possibly marry...I was loyal when they weren't even married yet....and she could crawl on top of my husband and screw his brains out
A TRUE friend would NOT have done that!!!

Saying...venting all of that I KNOW you will GRIEVE DEEPLY for what you thought was a true friendship...I sure have...it has hurt so much!!!

My WS says she can't bear the thought that what she did by having EA with my best friend may end the friendship between he and I. She makes it seem like if I end my friendship, she will back out of Reconciling. HELP!! what does this mean!?
Munky...they KNEW this was a possibility when they started playing with fire...yet it was worth it for them to get to go down that path...hurts...but you were disposable for them in order to get their jollies off...your friend wasn't thinking with his right head...and now she wants you to be a doormat...or does she expect you to share with your friend...she knew that it could end the friendship or the marriage or both by doing what she was doing...so did your friend...both of them knew that was a possibility...they had to!!!

I would out it to your mutual friends...for one they will understand the stress/vibes between you and your friend...you don't have to ask or imply they need to take sides...but by outing it you are protecting their marriages possibly from the same betrayal from your friend...or even your wife...or well...at the very least you WILL learn who your real friends are by how they treat you afterward....you deserve to know who the true people in your life are...but it does hurt to find out...that I do know.

A truly remorseful spouse will HAND you the passwords to everything. They would not use some excuse that they are a normally "private" person. She gave up all rights to privacy when she made the decision to have sex with your X-friend.

I agree with K9.
If your wife wants to reconcile she will do EVERYTHING in her power to make you feel safe in this marriage that has been tainted by something that was NOT your choice...that you didn't get a vote in...she will be truly sorry and remorseful that she has hurt you...there are some questions in the learning library for waywards and the betrayed...they tell about the fog and such...she sounds foggy...I just pray the A is over!!!

I am sorry (((Munky))) and I send hugs to all of us in this forum...I still love and pray for the OW in our case DAILY!!! I will never stop loving her but I have learned she is not as stable or loyal as I once believed. It hurts!!!

I do NOT have to protect her/their dirty little secret...I wasn't part of their pact when they were making it and I certainly didn't get to enjoy their intense sex or will I ever get to know all of the intimacies they shared.

Don't feel like you have to keep it secret either...it is called a consequence to what they did. If the friendship or the marriage ends...that's sadly a consequence to the choice they willingly made...the gamble they took in order to partake of the forbidden fruit.

In my case, I'm finding it EXTREMELY difficult to maintain my friendships with other women in my life......

Do you have issues with trusting friends?
Wookiegirl,
Yes, oh yes I do!!!!

I think after this kind of betrayal we question EVERYTHING in our life...if we thought that was true and it wasn't...or we thought they felt this way and they didn't....the second guessing and the crazy making of it all......an extra hug for you too (((Wookiegirl)))

I keep telling myself...IT WILL NEVER BE OKAY THAT THIS HAPPENED, BUT I WILL BE OKAY!!!


Divorce will be final around the time we should be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. Pray please I was a faithful loving wife and now my heart is forever crushed because my husband chose his sexual addictions over repairing our marriage. I

Posts: 348 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in Wonderland....wondering how/why this happened!
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