Wow. I'm praying for you. Especially for your little one. I have a 6.5 month old myself. I have a lot of the same questions that you do. Mainly, how do I trust another female again because obviously I can't see the wolf in sheep's clothing.
If you ever figure out how to trust the same sex again, let me know...
Oh and in regards to the non-violent thing... I am the quietest most shy person you would ever meet, but if I saw my ex best friend OW in the store or something, I would run up to her and bitchslap her.
Nice what life has become isn't it? :)
Can anyone give me suggestions on how to cope? How to move forward? How to let go of some of the anger?
BS Me 45
WH Him 45
M 21 yrs.
2 children (16, 14)
OW 38 Mutual Friend
D-Day 8/5/07 (2 mos.)
Reconciled -- 1/1/08
"The Best Things In Life Are Not Things"
I think most of us here are here to stay and we do check in from time to time to see if there are others that come here to look for a little advise. I wish I had some kinda some great wors of wisdom, But there really are none. I know that there is not a day goes by that I dont think about it. Even after 2 1/2 years. It does get a l=ttle eaiser but it dont go away. Please, Dont be so hard on your self because I never saw it coming either or ever thought anything was going on between the two of them. If you go back to number three in this forum, My WW tried to anwser some of the questions that you might of had or might still have.
There are people that you know all your life or you think you know, and then you find out that that you really dont know them at all. That includes you friend or maybe even a family member that you thought you knew. I thought I knew my brother and my wife after 20 years of marriage but to my suprise, I guess I didnt know either one of them.
My wife has tried to do everything she can to try and make things right between the two of us but him, Here we go,The usless son of a bitch has not once tried to even say a simple "Im sorry, I fucked up". To this day I still think of him but at the same time I will not let him or what he did over take my life. I know that in the long run, We all get judged and his judgement day will come.
You did not see because you could not fathom that Your H and friend would conspire together to do this to you. When I look back on my own situation I think "How could I be so DUMB!" All of the signs were there. My gut told me what was going on. But I refused to believe. I was in complete denial because there was NO WAY they would do that to me!! But they did...
Try to purge OW from your head. Reduce her to a non entity. This takes some time, but it is worth the effort. Focus on your M and family.
And I suggest some sort of physical activity to help vent your anger. I used to beat up the garbage can or kick a tree. I broke dishes and screamed at the top of my lungs. Just don't target WS -- that would be counter productive.
Good luck to you
I got her back though, I fedexed (to her parents)prints of the pictures that they took during the 'photoshoot' turned porn. I understand they asked her to move out.
I was wondering if this has happen to you or if you have ever heard of this happening to anyone.
Have you ever heard of the cheating spouse moving the third party into the family home. I was clueless, that he was cheating on me. So, she live in our home and we lived like one big happy family.
Does any one know how to get pass it. I mean my god how heartless can you be. I am not saying it is easy to get over the cheating part, but I think I have done well so far. There are just parts of it that I am really having a hard time dealing with. Please help.
My two issues that I need help with.
1. Is that he moved her into our home.
2. The type of person she is.
What I mean is, that my husband has become very vane over the years. He would be on me about my weight. Keep in mind I weight about 130 pounds which is the most I have ever weighed in my life, other than when I was pregnant. I am not full of myself, but I do try to dress nice and make sure my hair and makeup is done. Enjoy wears clothes that are fun and make me feel sexy. Which my husband likes. Try to be the women he wants me to be and that I want to be too. This other women was sooooooooo the opposite of me. She did not really take care of her appearance. She was about 40 - 50 heavier then me. Poor table manners, sloppy appearance, very manly like a tomboy. Never in my life thought I would have to be concerned with someone like that and my husband.
Sorry this was longer then I intended it to be. Feel free to read the whole story in my profile. Looking for advise.
BTW...we (I thought) were friends.
Your WS must take full responsibility for the pain and heartache he has caused his DD over the loss of her friendship. Now is the time to reevaluate what is important in your life and where your priorities lie. Friends come and go, your WS will be your DD's father forever and healing from this mess must be first and foremost. The friendship ended when your WS went outside of your M, it is that simple.
I do not mean to sound harsh, in the beginning of R with my FWS I was somehow under the belief system that I could somehow "fix" my 17 year friendship with my EXBF after she had an A with my H. All I can say is that I was not thinking clearly back then and now I can see that it will never be possible again and how the ending of this friendship has had a huge ripple effect that has impacted more people than I care to list.
It is unfortunate but it is the reality of the situation we are in.
I feel for those out there who are also going through this because I have no choice but to keep some contact with the OW. Our two sons (both age 2 1/2) are best buddies and ask to see each other every day (they've currently seen each other once since d-day a month and a half ago). It breaks my heart that they are suffering as well because of this.
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
My kids were friends with the kids of FB's # 14 and 10. They know about FB#14 and as they matured the friendship has been reduced to penpal status. The relationship with #10's kids died down simply because we moved out of the state.
I guess the bottom line is that kids will change and adapt to the situation. Years later when they ask about the AP you can tell them the truth.
And their radar will pick up on the strain between the parents.
My first instinct was to think that I had to find a way for this not to affect the kids. The kids were all innocent, why should they suffer? That lasted about a day before I realized I would never be able to handle my kids being at her house...ever. If they see each other out somewhere they talk a little, say hi, etc. But that's it. No phone calls, no getting together, nothing. It's sad that they lost friendships, but our family is more important.
I might have to just go along in fragments.
God, where to begin? I met OW when she was 13 and I was about to turn 14. Throughout our "friendship" I helped her through so much~ when she was suicidal because she said her stepbrother had molested her. When she was pregnant at 15, I was the one who went to Planned Parenthood with her. I did many small favors like asking guys out for her, asking my parents to give her and her boyfriends lifts home. Of course she was still bitchy and rotten back then.....and I kick myself now for continuing to stick by her side.
I, too, let her and her husband and daughter move in with us in 1999. WH and I had one daughter at the time. I had just had a miscarriage about 4 months before they moved in with us, but OW cried to me about how she couldn't stand to live with her husband's mom one second longer~ and what did I do? I pushed aside my own troubles to try to help OW and her family out.
And what happened? She caused all kinds of trouble and fought with me about things in OUR own home! So then her and her husband decided that, because "we" were being "nasty" that they
weren't going to pay anything. She racked up a $400 phne bills, because we don't use long distance.....and we ended up having to pay it off or lose our phone service. And she and her husband vandalized our daughter's room (which is where they had been staying). Meanwhile, we'd go to the store and I'd have to buy groceries for everyone while she was buying all kinds of fancy things so that she'd have stuff when they moved out.
Well we all stopped talking for months afterwards, until one day she calls my H to say how her husband had "abused" their daughter and she kicked him out, so they were getting divorced. By this time, I was pregnant again with our second daughter. I had lent her our oldest daughter's bassinette when she had her daughter. So she arranges with my husband for him to come pick it up. BAM! That was the first time they had sex. In trying to do her another favor, she used it as a way to come onto my husband.
And as they kept having sex and spending time together, what happens? She starts talking to me again, and asks if I can babysit her daughter on a weekly basis. And I agree! But smoetimes she says that she's "having a bad week" so she doesn't pay. Or she makes me wait until her next pay period.
Then I really prove my naivete when she starts calling to talk my ear off about this other married guy she's seeing, and all the drama surrounding him (and let me not forget to mention the other 5 guys she is messing around with, and having parties with)~ including how he and his friend (also her lover)steal $3000 worth of money and items from her apartment. And then his wife asks OW to bail him out and she does!
So then she says she's pregnant with OC, and she says it is this guy's child.
And since I don't yet know WH had been having sex with her, I help her throughout her pregnancy. Her mother had pretty much disowned her during this time, and the guy wasn't going to be around. So what do I do? I offer to be her labor coach. Yes, I watched and helped OC be born, having no idea that it was the child of my H's affair.
To shorten things up a bit~ several months after OC was born, I found out the truth and told her. First she broke down, then not a half hour later she turned into an icy bitch.....saying how my husband is the one who "seduced" her, gloating in the fact that the two of them had sex while I was IN THE HOSPITAL after giving birth to my our second daughter. After that, she just remained worse than she'd ever been~ writing me saying things happened with my husband that he swears never did, playing mind games, gaslighting me, trying to tell me that my H and I had serious problems, but not her. She fought viciously, and also said that she was not going to have a test done to see if my H was OC's father, that we'd have to pay for it if we wanted to know.
Well, two years later, a test says that H is his father, and she is told she can get almost $400 a month in support money....more than her first husband pays, and he was making more than my H at the time. She tried to get retroactive money since OC's birth. They denied that, but did tell my H to pay since the date she had filed, even though paternity wasn't established until 5 months later.
Ever since then, our family has been struggling hard. Meanwhile, she moved to a house, cost $300 more than what she paid for where she was living even well after OC was born. She buys herself nice clothes and jewelry, goes out drinking with her friends, and just spent over $200 on two concerts she wanted to go to. There's so many things we can't afford for our family because of what we have to pay her. This is what I get for ever doing anything for her~ one big, bloody knife in my back, and getting to watch her get rewarded and live it up by screwing me over and being the exact opposite of how I treated her.
So for now, I will wrap up by answering he question~ "do you ever feel like you're paying for whore services?". All the time. She's going to be getting paid for at least the next 13 years. And I'm still waiting to know from H what made her worth all this money and trouble......
Looking for the rainbow after the storm
Please send us strength
Both giving our best to R.
greiving wife- i also have the problem of my kids friendship. My daughter's BEST friend's mother, was one of his LTAs. my H only met her because i invited the family over when my daughter was in nursery school. they started their sickening affair shortly after that, and the slut got divorced about 3 years ago. my h remained friends with her ex husband, until our therapist explained to him, that it was lying be omission to be friends with him. it didnt matter that i had told him that numerous times.
anyway, after my h confessed about his 12 affairs, 4 of which were with my "friends"- one my "best friend", we confronted 2 of them in person. my told them that he had confessed everything and that he had never loved them and that hehad only loved me. then i had my turn- i told them that they were not even human, that they didnt deserve to be in the same room with me, or breathe the same air as me. only one of them apologized- the other just hung her head - the coward!
now. my 2 older sons, (19 and 19) know about 2 of his affairs, but my 10 year old daughter only knows taht daddy did bad things that hurt mommy. i just told her that i dont like her friends mother, but she has still come here to play, and someone else picks her up. i dont want my daughter to lose her friend because her father is a worthless pig. i try to make myself rise above saying cutting remarks about the mother. i did write the sluts long letters telling them what i think of them. never got one response-except my so-called "bf" is moving out of town! she couldnt bear that i told some of her friends what she did, and the didnt want anything to do with her! YEAH! i was so happy to hear that!
shebop- i SOOOO know the not remorseful thing- the mother of my daughters friend, is so brazen- acts rude to my friends who i have told about her, and asks my daughter questions when i am not around. i really want to out her to everyone- but it would mean hurting my own daughter. WHAT TO DO????
i think i will just rise above hating her- that gives her free rent in my brain- and work on healing myself. if she ever tries to talk to me again in public - like she did soon after d-day,(about a play date) i will simply say out loud "i dont talk to people like you" and walk away.
brknhrtdmom- i know exactly how you feel too. my h screwed my former bf in my bed too! she would call me up and ask me how sex was with my h, like she was comparing notes, because her own H stunk. she got me to complain about my h's sex with me, how he treated me and on and on. she is simply a sick psychopath. i do believe that karma will eventually get her. she divorced her h, when my h wouldnt leave me for her, (she asked him to), she found another stupid MM to leave his wife. now they are dating. he is like 15 years older than her.
my h's secretay helped me plan his birhtday party at the office and would call me up to just chat, while screwing him. she actually worked to befriend me and told me of my h's other interest in other women in the office, BECAUSE SHE WAS JEALOUS!!!.
there are some really sick people out there. as you have all said- it has opened my eyes to the meanness in people . i thought people were basically good inside, but now i know that is not true.
my h and i are 3 1/2 months from d-day, and we are in MC and r. i dont know for sure if i want to stay in the marriage. i am waiting and as my therapist says "collecting data" to see if he really does change. he has been NC and done everything i have asked, except putting my own feeling above his. he is still wallowing and feeling bad about what he did -which doesnt help me.
have any of you had your H- say he like "woke up" and couldnt believe what he had done? my h says this- but i really dont get it.
In answer to your questions if anyone else's WS "got it" right off the bat.
Yes, I think so.
When I busted WS and FB#14 he ended it with her then next day. Hasn't seen or talked to her since.
However....he lied to me for three weeks about them having sex. Kept telling me it was just "heavy kissing" and that they were planning on having sex but the incident never occurred.
After he finally confessed to the sex with FB#14, then the dam broke loose and he told me about all the others.
Understand that WS isn't a strong person in the first place. He's all about being accepted. He really needs people to believe that he is a good person. But when I forced him to admit to all the dirty, sleazy, nasty, horrible things he did it broke him.
It all came down to "You name it, you claim it."
He had to actually SAY the words. They had to come out of his mouth for him to believe he really did all that shit. Hell.....he didn't even REALIZE just how many women he had screwed until he had to write them all down WITH their names and whether or not he loved them. One of them he doesn't even remember her name!! How's THAT for embarrassment!!!!
Since then it's been Retrouvaille, IC and MC and a lot of hard, painful discussions between us. He "gets it". He had seen my eyes when he admitted to all his crap. He has seen the looks on his kid's faces when they were bystanders in the fights. He has looked at himself in the mirror and found out he doesn't like what he did, what he was, and how he treated people.
He's changing. The positive aspects are that he's now starting to be invited to outings with some guys he works with that he's wanted a friendship with for the longest time. His life at home is better, and he's working on making his relationship with God in the good.
So yes, some people can change, but they have to do the hard, embarrassing, and gut wrenching work to change and fix what was/is broken inside of them.
But with all that I've said, no....I don't think you will ever blindly trust them again. And we shouldn't.