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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found pictures of ow(neighbor/bf) that were taken last July when we went on vacation together as couples. The affair was going on at this time.

I am triggering badly, feel like I am back to d day which was 9 months ago.

I can't get over the betrayal and deception. How they both looked me in the eye day after day acting like nothing was going on. What kind of person does this?

I want my marriage to work, but it is eating me alive that FWS had the ability to do this. Has anyone felt this way and was able to make their way through it?


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

feelso,

Our OW is my brother's wife and lived with us for over a year. The last 6 mths of this time was when the A was going on.

I was so excited about my B and his family being with us. They used to live a long way away and I only seen them a couple of times a year.

I took HUNDREDS of photos during this time and like you find them all tainted.

My H's and my 40th's, christmas etc etc. I hate looking at them now. I wonder the same thing you do, how ?????

Sorry, I don't have an answer for you but I really wish I did.

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

madathim,

You need to totally block this woman from your life.

You don't owe her anything and she should at least have the courtesy not to try and get back into your life.

Just ignore her and hold your head up high.

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
Pennico
♀ Member
Member # 10724
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like Feelsodeceived, the FOW lives across the street from me. I've been off work for July. Most of the month has been fine until a couple of days ago. I've been triggering so badly. I see her and I am just livid. How dare she . . how fucking dare she betray me like she did. What a fucking c***. Sorry . . I had to get it off my chest tonight. I've had a couple of beers and am feeling a bit spunky.


BS - 50
FWH - 50
D-Day - 4/9/06 (with next-door neighbor/friend)
Married 18 years
2 girls (16 & 13)
Update 8-26-11 . . She MOVED!

Healed after five years and with God's Grace.


Posts: 172 | Registered: May 2006 | From: West Coast
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked WS about this.

Several of his FB's have stayed with us during times of trouble in their marriages. And one we lived with when we were moving.

He said they were our friends and he just never though about the sexual affair(s) then. It never gave him any rush or high or anything to see me and his FB together. And when the last FB lived with us it never bothered him to play footsie with her or have her give him a blow job in one of the deer stands while I was at the house OR to have sex with me in the room directly above where she was sleeping and having her hear us.

He never cared what I or his FB(s) thought. It was all about him and what he wanted.

I would LOVE to find out what the last FB thought. What I wouldn't give to be able to hack into her home computer and read her journal.......


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6323 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
madathim
♀ New Member
Member # 15456
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, July 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know when I look at my friend's H, I don't look at them anyway than maybe like a brother or relative. Good friends are so hard to find, I just can't imagine losing one over a man. I truly value my friendships and my marriage and to do something that would jeopardize both I can't possibly fathom. The part that gets to me the most is her husband committed suicide about 6 months before this and all she did was cry about how special the relationship was. Did she not think that I thought my marriage was special too. And if you are grieving that horribly that you can't work or go outside how can you give a BJ to your friend's husband. I think I was taken for a fool.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2007
me+6
♀ Member
Member # 15035
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, July 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still having a lot of trouble with all the memories of the past year that includes the OW and her family. We were all hanging out at least twice a week and doing these big dinners with all of our kids.

I stumbled on some pictures of one of our son's birthday and there "She" was! I don't want to throw away his birthday pictures but they make me sick to my stomach.

With the boys starting football in the next few weeks we will again be in the presence of "Her". It has been so nice to have a break from having her in my face!!! I hope we can survive this upcoming school year.
Just needed to vent - I still don't get this double betrayal and how it could have happended right under my nose!


me-36 WH-37
Married 16 years together 18
6 children (5,7,8,12,14,16)
DDay - March 4th 2007
DDay #2 September 13, 2008 EA
Separated Oct 24, 2008
7/1/09 He is coming home!
Beginning to R

Posts: 694 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: East Coast
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, July 29th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first time posting, although I have been helped by so many on here. I have read through all of the double betrayal posts.

Has anyone experienced this with a best friend, with it being over sometime in the past? I keep wanting to try to salvage both the marriage and the friendship. I can look to the last 2 years, and not want to lose the friendships we have. My best friend is divorced from the man she was married to during the A, and the A was over summer of 2005. My husband and I have been in MC since last year, although D-day was June 22 of this year.

Is it possible? Has anyone reconciled with a friend? or am I foolish to even think about it? i am just very confused.

More of the story is on my profile, although only about 1/4 of it.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could not reconcile with my ex best friend who had an affair with my FWS. Friends support each other, not destroy each other. A true friend would not betray their friend in this fashion. Friends like that I just don't need or want.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
UKmum
♀ Member
Member # 12696
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too trusting BW : My husband's affair was with my BF but unlike in your situation we had only been friends for a year. You have been friends since you were teenagers which must be so much harder but also even harder to understand how she could do it. As hard as it is a choice has to be made...it's unfair as none of this is your fault yet you are the one who loses out. I was angry for a while at my husband for being the reason I "lost" my friend but as time went on I realised she was the reason. I blamed him then I blamed her..it made no sense. The only way I could rationalise was to understand that my husband and I had had problems and to address these...as far as I could see me and my friend had not had any problems so therefore what possible reason did she have to betray me?? none! I had moments where I wanted us to still be friends but how could that ever really happen? I trigger enough without seeing both of them. She lied to you for a long time...years according to your profile. There is no going back. She is not to be trusted. As much as it makes me sick to say it I really missed my friend at first....now 10 months on I am starting to feel indifference. It will take longer in your case but you will get there. {{hugs}}

me: BS - 36 2 sons ages 18mths and 6yrs
him:WS - 33
together 14 years, married 7 years
OW - 37 single mum-3 kids (best friend!?)
A - mar/apr 06 -EA & PA
D-Day - 14 oct 2006

[This message edited by UKmum at 8:48 AM, July 30th (Monday)]


me: BS - 37
2 sons ages 7yrs and 2.5yrs
him:WS - 33
together 15 years, married 8 years
OW - 38 single mum-3 kids (close friend!?)
A - mar/apr 06 -EA & PA
D-Day - 14 oct 2006


Posts: 100 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: UK
tore_up
♂ Member
Member # 9171
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is your friend sorry for what she has done and I do mean TRULY sorry. I am guessing that your husband is. This is something you are going to have to decide in your heart. It is not going to be easy not matter what. I tried to let my brother back in but he chose to take a different path and not ever say what he did was wrong and for that, I will never forgive him. I wish I could tell you what to do but it is going to be tough. I wish you nothing but the very best.


Me46bs
her46ww
4 kids
married 26 years!!!
working on 27
24/20 girls
15/14 boys
Grandson!
d-day#1 5/2/04
d-day#2 5/16/05


Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2005
me+6
♀ Member
Member # 15035
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

too trusting:

I too was very good friends with OW - although only about a year. I can really understand how you are feeling because there are times I too have thought about keeping the friendship.

When I think about it my FWH is far more responsible for my pain than she was. She and I were not married and did not say those vows to each other. She has apologized to me and seems sincere. Sometimes I feel like a how can I forgive my H and not her?

Then I think of talking with her and I can't do it. I don't know it just makes this so hard when you lose both a friend and a H all in one shot.
Right not I'm just trying to co-exist in the same small town as my ex-friend the OW. The hard part is we have a lot of mutual friends.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help - just wanted you to know that your not alone in your feelings.


me-36 WH-37
Married 16 years together 18
6 children (5,7,8,12,14,16)
DDay - March 4th 2007
DDay #2 September 13, 2008 EA
Separated Oct 24, 2008
7/1/09 He is coming home!
Beginning to R

Posts: 694 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: East Coast
lorjo
♀ Member
Member # 12321
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, July 31st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other woman in my story is my husband's brother's wife. To my knowledge only the four of us know the history. My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He had three "one night stands" with his brother's wife, (one before he and I were dating during which they did have sex.) The second encounter ocurred 20 years later when our marriage was on the rocks due to his alcohol abuse. We were not physically intimate at the time. He swears the encounter consisted of some too close and quite dirty dancing, but stopped short of intercourse. He says it was he who came to his senses and changed his mind. Then about two years later,(he and I were still sleeping in separate beds) he was alone with his sister in-law and in a similar situation as he had been when the second encounter took place. He says that it was again he who pulled back and stopped before they had sex. Sometimes I believe him because the pieces fit; other times doubt sets in and I question his honesty.

Recently my husband's sister remarried and she asked this sister in-law to be her matron of honor. My husband's sister probably does not know that her sister in-law has cheated on her brother (with her other brother 3 times,) and who knows how many other people she has had sex with over the years. My husband and I did not attend the (out of state) wedding primarily because of a schedule conflict. We felt being there for an important event in one of children's lives was more important. I must also be truthful and admit there was no way I could sit in a church and watch this woman stand up as a beacon of family, friendship and marriage knowing what she has done. What a travesty.

Now my husband and I are going to be attending the ordination of my husband's sister which will be attended by many of their family including the sister in-law / OW. I need advise, encouragement, support to get through this family event. This also the first time I will be in the presence of the OW since my husband confessed. This will be extremely difficult since this cheating sister in-law is held in such high esteem by my husband's unsuspecting family and I sm much, much lower on this narcissistic family's totem pole.

I hate this, sometimes I want to take everyone aside and spill this nasty little secret but doing so would do ddamage to my children and to my neice and nephew. I won't do that. To do so would also compromise my values and integrity and no one is worth that.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Oct 2006
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, August 4th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there is no way I could reconcile with OW(ex best friend). I would always worry that something would rekindle between FWS and her. Friends like her I don't need.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
caretoomuch
♂ Member
Member # 12625
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, August 5th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW's A was with my best friend of 25 years. The grief of this loss all round is startling. reconcile with him? Impossible. If he done this to his country during war he would have been executed.
For his own pleasure he betrayed others to a level this is staggering. He is able to understand this and may feel something but being able to do this means something is and will be forever lacking. I think he will know this. Poor bastard didnt realize life isnt a dress rehersal. You only get one chance to die with your integrity intact,he wont.


2006..Me 48
WW 47 OCD/ Sex Abuse by brother
Married 21 years,together 27
Teenagers
PA when engaged and now 3 1/2 yr PA with best friend
Dday 10 Nov 2006
Dont feel too bad ,people destroy the ones they love all the time.Its n

Posts: 640 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: floating, 2012..going
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, August 5th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with caretoomuch. My FWW's affair was with my best friend of 20 years.

He's dead to me.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
holeinheart
New Member
Member # 15738
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, August 11th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to this site, but could use some help. I am dealing with the situation that my husband and sister had an affair. I am having great difficulty dealing with family and family functions. They are trying to talk to both of us, which really hurts me. My husband and I have been in counseling and are trying to reconcile, but my sister has made no attempt what so ever. I have another sister that is planning a wedding in the spring and of course wants both me and the betrayal sister in the wedding. How do I handle this? My husband and I are trying to reconcile, does he come along? I really dont want to see them together. any thoughts?

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2007
shambles07
♀ Member
Member # 14217
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, August 11th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had a 4 wk A with my bro wife. It ended the second i found out. Whore wanted to D my bro. and have my H move in with her, even though he told her just 4wks before when it started that he was never going to leave me, he was just "having fun". I have cut both my bor and his slut W out of my life. I just can't deal with all the crap. It's hard, but worth my sanity


Me BS- 32
divorcing

Posts: 1493 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: midwest
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, August 12th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

holeinheart,

My H had an affair with my B's W.

The only way my B and I deal with it is by seeing each other without our spouses. I can't look at his W and he can't look at my H. Very uncomfortable situation.

We are both very committed to making sure our relationship doesn't become a casualty of their A.

I don't go to any family functions. I don't have kids and my B does so I think it's more important for the kids to see their cousins on special occassions.

It hurts like hell but it's the only way we can get through this.

My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and it hurts to know that I won't have the annual family dinner to celebrate.

The consequences of thier A is far reaching and sometimes I wonder if I have given up far to much to reconcile with him. On the flip side though, she would still be around if I didn't R with my H, the situation would still be the same with my family.

I don't envy you with the wedding situation and I truly don't know how I would handle that one. It's not fair to your other sister to be put in this position and it's not fair to you either.

Good Luck with the decision.

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
Skippy
Member
Member # 15387
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had an A with my BF of about 20yrs give or take 5yrs. They spoke every day and emailed. My BF and I where very close spoke every day and where together almost every day. The A had been going on for 8 months before I found out. I am trying to R. We are in therapy and he is being treated for his depression. I am also pregnant. (post d-day conception.I have also been trying for 6 yrs and now have conceived)
SO here I am thinking about it all the time. I never spoke to her after I found out. She did not have the guts to answer the phone. Then I called her husband.

I have a number of issues. I have such hate for her . It consumes me. The dreams are waking me up at night. I will see her every day again in a few weeks. (our kids are in daycare together.)
I hate him half the time and her. I can't get over this. It is crazy. I need help. Or at least some advise how to handle this. She drove past my house the other day but she saw me and not my husband and she left. (He has had NC since D day when she asked what they are going to do now and he said he loves me and he is sorry. (I can't believe he even apologized to her.) That Bitch took everything I ever said about him and told him.
I am just scared of how I am feeling and don't meet with my C till tomorrow. I feel so betrayed. I trust no one. Hoe do you get over the 2 peolple you trusted the most hurt you like this.


D-Day 6/1/07

Status: ?


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