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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This month is a kicker for me as well, it's H's birthday and this time last year I was making huge plans to make his 40th special. I surprised him with a parachute jump. Seeing that he was also having a party the jump was supposed to be something just from me. She turned up at the jump site - I was a bit annoyed at the time but didn't think much of it - now I know better

tore_up,

I'm sending you strength to help you through this month.

Just remember, you are in a better place now and hopefully will be in an even better place next May.

Dreamboat,

I get mail just about daily for her and it pisses me off no end. I've told my B to get her to change her address but she still hasn't done it.

Good Luck with the party. Reclaim it if you can.

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
UKmum
♀ Member
Member # 12696
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bad months for me also. Mar/Apr/May last year was when the A was going on altho I didn't find out till October.
Had a bad week last week. Now feeling better. Seems to go like that - one really rough week a month when I feel totally broken again then gradually I start recovering again. It's still shit though.


me: BS - 36 2 sons ages 18mths and 6yrs
him:WS - 33
together 14 years, married 7 years
OW - 36 single mum-3 kids (close friend!?)
A - mar/apr 06 -EA & PA
D-Day - 14 oct 2006

[This message edited by UKmum at 2:30 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday)]


me: BS - 37
2 sons ages 7yrs and 2.5yrs
him:WS - 33
together 15 years, married 8 years
OW - 38 single mum-3 kids (close friend!?)
A - mar/apr 06 -EA & PA
D-Day - 14 oct 2006


Posts: 100 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: UK
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKMum,

Sorry you are going through a bad time at the moment.

Just wanted to send you some ((hugs))

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, May 4th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW lives two doors down. It is 6 months from D day. I have decided I have to move, this neighborhood is not big enough for the both of us. WS is moping around, he doesn't want to move, and is finally going to have to pay for his mistake(until now he just compartmentalizes).

This sucks. I feel like his affair has ruined my life. My kids life. How do you get over something like that?


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 4th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

feelsodeceieved,
I don't think you ever really get over this. But you DO start to build a new and different life.

I don't blame you for moving. My X's A happened in my house and I cannot WAIT to move. I want to keep my DD in her school thru 5th grade and that is exactly 1 year away. I have alredy started looking even though I won't be doing anything for another 6 months.

((hugs))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17291 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
canbegallhewants
Member
Member # 12868
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, May 7th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

don't see spiderman 3

Posts: 175 | Registered: Dec 2006
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why? I promised my boys I would take them this weekend.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
canbegallhewants
Member
Member # 12868
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me there were parts that were hard and I don't want to give too much of the movie away. But peter and m.j. do not get along that well. Another woman involved and then also peter being told something about mj and his bestfriend. I guess I was just being over sensitive but I was VERY unhappy watching some scenes.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Dec 2006
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the heads up !!

It really sucks when you go to the movies for a treat and you end up triggering.


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
chelleby
♀ Member
Member # 14499
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep- I am in the Double Betrayel section-
My husband and best friend- the kicker is - I took care of him through a cancer scare on his hand then took care of her through thyroid cancer then while I was home taking care of my dad who - you guessed it- had cancer- they have an affair-

POS's carried on the PA for two months then the EA for a year-


Posts: 97 | Registered: May 2007 | From: clyde, texas
mdsjmom98
♀ Member
Member # 4931
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally relate to this one. My niece is OW, and in her case, she totally used my feelings (and those of my children) to be able to attain her goal.
Sometimes when I'm doing the mental head slap wondering how anyone could do such a thing, I think of something that a good friend told me. Some people have no character. Fortunately, I was blessed with a character that finds what she did so horrible, and that I'd never do it to anyone. Just knowing that someone feels positively about me in that way always cheers me up.


Him - WH - 45
Me - BS - 44
OW - my niece - 38
Married 24 years
2 kids (boys) 13, 21
Reconciling 7 years

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger.


Posts: 1280 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Illinois
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

chelleby,

Sorry you had to go through this.

You have come to the right place and will get a lot of support from people who understand.

How is the realtionship now? Are you in R?

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
chelleby
♀ Member
Member # 14499
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually- doing ok- I had a really rough time in June, July and August of last year- really depressed, having anxiety attacks, and to top it off- going in for all the STD crap!

But ya know- Like I am sure you can relate- I have good days and bad days. I am learning to cope now- thats a step forward!lol

WH is trying very hard and has been in his own learning moments over the last year.

I have even been able to talk to the OW- obviously it turned out ok- I am typing from home and not jail so I didnt kill her or anything.

Mostly= I have learned and changed alot of things about me.

Although I am really struggling with self confidence in the bedroom- that is a very hard thing for me- it took me a long time to feel safe to begin with because I was molested as a child- now I sometimes feel like that 18 year old "girl"- reaaly stupid huh?


Posts: 97 | Registered: May 2007 | From: clyde, texas
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That STD testing is really the icing on the cake isn't it. I was mortified having to tell my doctor and getting the tests done. Thankfully, they are clear.

My H has been going to IC and has learnt alot about himself. This is painful for him but to his credit he has never backed down from it. Well, since I finally learn't the truth anyway!)

I haven't learnt anything about myself other than I completely trust my gut now and have a great inbuit radar.

I tried to have a conversation with my SIL to see what could be salvaged. Family has always been very important to me and I felt that I owed it to the family to try and work through this.

She denied anything had ever happened. (It was a 6 mth PA in my home) She swears that she would never do anything that disrespectful to my B or me. I should point out, my B caught them together. My H has come clean totally and is trying to do the right thing now but she still say's he is making it all up. Go figure !!

I know what you mean about the bedroom. I was raped when I was younger and as you know it takes a lot to get past that. I now feel shy and timid in bed. I used to feel that I trusted him completely and with that I had a great sex life. Another thing we have to try and rebuild.

Anyway, onwards and upwards we go....

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
Lookingforpeace
♀ Member
Member # 13872
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is forgiveness the same as not caring?


Untouchable

Posts: 349 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Michigan
stl2betrayals
♀ New Member
Member # 14442
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Story --
My H of 8 years (no kids) had an EA and then a PA with my soon to be SIL (my brother's fiance). D-day was Jan. 20 (EA) and Feb. 17 (PA) My brother and her have a 4 year old together, and live 5 houses down from me and my WH. She (OP-SIL) called off wedding to my brother and left. H decided he was "in-love" with OP (SIL) and left to start a relationship with her. He said she understands him, listens to him, hangs on his every word. I seen the emails from her and they are a total ego boosts - I think about you every day, all day. I miss you so much. I would marry you right now. Etc. Etc.

She also said that my WH helped her through so many difficult things - totally boosted his ego that he was so needed. I am a pretty independent person, not needy at all, and apparently he needed to be needed. And instead of coming to me, he decided to look elsewhere.

This has hit me like a ton of bricks -I thought we were happy and we had been trying to have our first baby together. I NEVER once thought he was unhappy and COMPLETELY trusted him. Everyone is shocked by his actions, as he is the person you least expect to do this. He left on Feb. 23, 07 and so far has not shown any regrets.

He believes he is making the right decision to be with her, and that he can see himself marrying her in time. He sounds so convinced, almost too convincing - like he has to convince himself. We had such a good life together, a beatiful new house, a beloved dog (that he adored and hasnt seen in a month) and our families were very close. My family adored him, and I was close to his family.

I filed for D in April 07, b/c after several attempts to ask him to R, he was showing no remorse, and actually became mean and hateful to me. I didnt want to divorce at first, and I still question it now, but I dont think I could get past this especially b/c of the family connection.

But what bothers me most is how he just walks away so easily from the life we had and the life he loved before the A started. He acts like he will have something better with her, which I just dont think will be possible.

He definitely affaired down. Our family was never crazy about her, but tolerated her for my brother and their son's sake. I think my WH is dellusional, but I just am not the type of person that can site back and let him carry on until he wakes out of the fog and realizes what he has done. I dont know if that is the right thing to do or not, by I feel like I deserve better than that.

The problem is even after a few months, I have not hit the angry stage yet. I am sad, hurt, depressed, and have moved into seeing him as pathetic and feeling sorry for him. But I wonder why I am not angry at him yet.

They are now living together for two months and everyone has said this will never last between them, but two months in and neither of them has changed their minds or have any regrets about their decision.

I have very little contact with him, for my own sake, but I cant shake these feeling of love, emptiness, missing him, our old life and the emotional connection to him.


Posts: 30 | Registered: May 2007 | From: St. Louis
Pennico
♀ Member
Member # 10724
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Stl2:

So sorry to hear your story. You were wondering why you weren't hitting the anger stage yet. My d-day was one year ago and it is amazing how many emotions I have felt this past year. I, too, was completely blindsided. I thought our marriage was good. It wasn't perfect, but whose is after 13 years and raising two busy daughters. I had no idea that the "innocent" flirting and hugging with my neighbor was actually a full blown PA that lasted over 1 and 1/2 years. I was literally blown away.

I think I now have hit the anger stage and it has taken me a year. There have been times that I have felt forgiving, calm, sad, depressed and a whole array of feelings. They come and go and it seems that they are not consistent. I do know that I feel way better than 1 year ago. I was in a dream world for about 6 months. I think that I have finally "accepted" that this happened. I know that sounds funny, but I think that I wasn't completely realizing that this happened to me by my loving H and very dear friend who lives across the street. I realize now that she didn't regard me as a friend. A friend doesn't have a sexual relationship with their friends H.

My H didn't fall in love and leave his family. I'm sorry that your H has his head so far up his a*s that he can't see straight. I truly believe that he will have a "come to Jesus" moment and realize what he has lost. Affairs are based on fantasy. He has only lived with her for two months. It is still not reality for them. You are missing your old life and it is not fair that this has happened to you (it took me a while to realize that one). It is good that you do the 180 with him. If you do see him or talk to him, don't let him see you depressed. Fake it until you make it. Hold your head up high. This was not your fault and he is the big loser. It is just hard to realize that right now. I'm thinking about you and wishing you better times ahead.


BS - 50
FWH - 50
D-Day - 4/9/06 (with next-door neighbor/friend)
Married 18 years
2 girls (16 & 13)
Update 8-26-11 . . She MOVED!

Healed after five years and with God's Grace.


Posts: 172 | Registered: May 2006 | From: West Coast
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lookingforpeace,

No, I don't think forgiveness is the same as not caring.

I went through a stage that some refer to as lethal flatness, which is where you really don't give a shit at all. I assume this is where you are at now. This doesn't mean you forgive him, it just means you need a break from dealing with all the crap and are taking time out.

How are you feeling about other things in your life? do you care about them?

Sending you strength.

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stl2betrayals,

I'm sorry that you are going through this mess.

My H had a 6 mth PA with my brother's wife. So I kind of have an idea of what you are feeling. Although, my H did not leave me for her. He threw her under the bus faster than you can blink.

I have so much guilt over staying in the relationship. How can I stay with a man who caused such pain to my brother?. How can I ever look my family in the face again with him standing at my side?
This man knows how important my family are to me, how could he cause such chaos? Why would I stay?

These are all questions that you don't have to answer. I only tell you these so you know what kind of questions you will be asking yourself if you get back together.

You have a lot of other questions eating you alive at the moment. I'm sorry I can't give you any answers to them.

You do deserve better than being treated like this. You deserve to hold your head high and be proud of who you are. These are things that I struggle with quite a lot.

If they do stay together you will see them from time to time. It's impossible not to when your niece/nephew is involved and they live so close to you. Hold your head up high. You are better than either of them can ever hope to be.

I still see my SIL from time to time and honestly the only way I can get through it without killing her is to totally ignore her, she does not exist to me. I don't respond if she greets me, I do not even look at her. It's hard but I will not allow her to keep my nieces out of my life. They deserve to see their aunty who they used to live with.

Don't worry about not feeling anger yet. It will come and it feels great to get it out when it does.

Wishing you all the best at getting through this.

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
stl2betrayals
♀ New Member
Member # 14442
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, May 11th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for your support and wisdom. I am so glad that I found SI. It's like my therapy when I cant see the therapist.

I think a lot about R and if I could even take him back after all this??? Even though I wanted a chance at R, especially in the beginning when my world was crumbling, but now I am just not sure at this point. Some days I wonder if him leaving for her is God's way to avoid me any more pain. I know R could take years and it is HARD HARD, especially with the family connection with the A. I know in many cases it is worth it, but having this so close to my family (and we are all very close - we were both in my brother's and his fiance's wedding before called off and me and my WS ware godparents to their child) I just dont know if it would be possible for me and my brother and my family to get passed it. If he decided to R right away, then I would be so tempted to work on our marriage and try to make it better, but I know it would be a long long road ahead, so some days I wonder if this is God's way of making it easier to move forward and avoid any additional hurt. Not sure if that sounds crazy...???


Posts: 30 | Registered: May 2007 | From: St. Louis
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