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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
tore_up
♂ Member
Member # 9171
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, April 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flipper,
I hope you can find and get the help you need.
I know what it means to have the wall around you at all times. Its almost like you are afraid to get to close to anything or to anyone again because you just dont want that pain or to go thru this again. My wall has come down some but it is nowhere close to what it was pre D-Day.

A friend called me the other day and him and his friend were talking. His friend said that we had never been golfing together before. So they called me and I was like, Yea we had gone. It was the first time I had ever been golfing. Then it hit me. It was when I went with the two of them and my dumbass brother. Then I got to thinking. It was going on then.

Its like you put your memories into three different time frames.
Before the A
During the A
After the A

You get those little things that hit you while it was duing and its tough to let them go. It just digs into you thru the day.

Lookingforpeace,
I dont know if you are still around but thank you for the song. It was very good. I can see what you mean.


Me46bs
her46ww
4 kids
married 26 years!!!
working on 27
24/20 girls
15/14 boys
Grandson!
d-day#1 5/2/04
d-day#2 5/16/05


Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2005
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, April 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tore_up

Its like you put your memories into three different time frames.
Before the A
During the A
After the A

SOOO true!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17282 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Lookingforpeace
♀ Member
Member # 13872
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, April 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tore-Up

Still here. You're welcome. Music really has been my salvation.


Untouchable

Posts: 349 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Michigan
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flipper, I think MC's should address the issue of a double betrayal with both partners. It is another aspect of our WS's A and one that is so very painful. They chose someone who we believed cared for us and then used that to their advantage. I see that it was your SIL - was this your brother's wife? If so, all the more reason for that to be covered in MC. Your FWH needs to understand how that particular choice is making your recovery so much harder. You say she lived with you and I'll bet you did a lot of things for her to make life easier, maybe you even left the house never believing they couldn't be trusted together. If she was your brother's wife then that is awful too because now you have to deal with your brother's emotions as a direct result of your H's choice of AP. Those issues you have with your SIL may be something you need to cover in IC'ing, but I am sorry, I do think that your H should be held accountable in MCing for his choice of OP as well as the A itself. Sounds like he's doing a lot to R and that he is truly remorseful. I'm so happy for you. My FWH does a lot of work too but I have never hesitated bringing up his choice of OP in MCing as just one more painful, and perhaps one of the most painful aspects, of his A. And our MC has never tried to discourage me from doing this as he understands how important it is for me to resolve this particular issue with my FWH if I am to recover from his A. In our case I have 3 serious issues to deal with, the length of his A, the fact that he got caught - didn't end it of his own free will, and the fact that she was supposed to be a friend and that he encouraged that friendship. Every one of those aspects needs to be dealt with and if a MC doesn't want to deal with each and every aspect that each of us has as a result of their A, then it's time to find another one. IMHO anyway!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
nurslynn
New Member
Member # 14066
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday, my D11 and I went to visit a former neighbor to see her twins which are almost a year old now. She lives right next door to the house our family had lived in for 13 years. It was so hard to drive by there and realize that there is another family living there now. All of our memories are there...good and bad. But worse than that was seeing MOW`s house across the street and my H`s truck parked in her driveway. It still hits me between the eyes. My D sees his truck and says.."What a loser"....My S and D have refused to talk to or see him for over a month now. They are just still so angry that he is living with MOW now. They have known her and her kids for years...and to see "dad" living there with them is too much for them to bare. I still, at times, can`t believe this has happened..but am trying to move forward and to help my children cope. Thanks for listening....Hugs, Lynn

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Canada
sweetgirl
Member
Member # 9928
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nurslynn - I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.

So many FWS's seem to be able to neglect their own children when caught up in the "magic" of the OP. I don't get it. I could never do this. Even in my darkest moments when the A was revealed to me, I never lost sight of my kids and what I had to do to ensure their well-being. For my FWH, during his LTA, the kids were a minor detail.

Your children are lucky to have you. Just keep on loving them.


Posts: 631 | Registered: Mar 2006
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Nurslynn))) Lots of hugs to you and your children. I know when my kids learned of their dad's LTA they told him flat out that if he were to ever leave me for the OW they would never speak to him again. It's so sad that these WH's can't see the damage they do to everyone, including themselves. How could he want to continue in a relationship with the OW knowing that his children don't even want a relationship with him. Too high a price IMHO!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tore_up,

I know exactly what you mean. It really is frustrating that every memory is related to the A. I look at the time frame to see if it was before, during or after to see if it's tainted or not. That in itself taints it for me. I shouldn't have to examine my memories for cracks. I look at gifts I received and hate them (especially my 40th birthday gifts) Will I ever like or want them again? All my beautiful jewellery is sitting gathering dust etc etc...Things I was once so proud of.

Will our walls ever be fully down? Only time will tell I guess.

Forgivenotforget,

You get it !! You understand exactly why the double betrayal issue should be covered in MC. I will speak to the counsellor on thursday to explain why I don't want her to gloss over it. I need it dealt with first - before I can deal with anything else. My FWH hasn't glossed over it - the counsellor did.

Without the help of you guys I don't think I would have the strength to keep going. I know I want to R - just need propping up at times Thanks a million.


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
heynow
♂ Member
Member # 14342
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, April 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can any one tell me how they made it throught this. I found out 6 months ago that may wife had a long distance affair with our friend. They didn't have intercourse but did kiss and she let him touch her. How do I get over this? It hurts do bad. I want to kick this guys ass. I thought after 6 months I would be over it by now. But not even close.


WW 39
BS 40
Affair started 6-06
Married 17yrs 3kids B,G,B
EA Lasted two months, 1 week kissing and touching w a friend of ours.

Posts: 120 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: South
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, April 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Heynow,

Welcome to the club.

The first piece of advise is that it is going to take TIME.

Six months is next to nothing. I'm only 16 months post Dday(s)I still hurt. It's getting better, but I still hurt and trigger badly.

It can take 2 years or more.

Are you guys trying to put things back together? Is your WS NC with the OM? Is she trying to fix herself and the marriage and heal you?

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6329 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, April 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK Everyone,

Starting to doubt myself and WS.

He SWEARS the sex with the FB's was basically vaginal masterbation and did not last long at all.

Does anyone else have the same story? Could he be telling me this just so I feel better about myself and to get him off the hook some?

Yes, I understand that he can be lieing to me or telling the truth. But has anyone else gotten the same stories?

Lord, I hate it when the Doubt Monster sits on my shoulder.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6329 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

k9,

My H claims the same. He said it was just sex, just used her to get off. No oral, no caressing, only vaginal penetration. No passion and in no way was it lovemaking. I believe him.

His A was purely a PA - there was no EA involved. I know this to be true because obviously I have seem them interact for years.

I know it was purely because she was readily available that they had the PA.

I believe she had/has feelings for him. She was always telling me what a great man I had and that I didn't realise how lucky I was and that I shouldn't take him for granted. She had a photo of him on her desktop along with her two daughters. I told her that this was wrong but she said it was only because it was a good photo (which it was) and thought nothing more of it. In hindsight there were quite a lot more clues that I should have picked up on but they were all on her side and none on his.

I believe my h but only you can decide if you believe yours.

I hope the Doubt Monster shows up less and less until you finally kill it.

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
stoli
♀ New Member
Member # 5740
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here as well. My H had a one night stand with one of my closest friends. In my house, while I was asleep in our bed. My friend and her 2 kids were visiting from out of town. She openly flirted with my husband and suggested we have a threesome which was laughed off by all of us as just a joke because we had been friends forever, over 20 years since before either of us were married. And believe me, there had never been anything like that in any of our relationships. Apparently after I went to sleep they met in another part of the house and had sex - twice.

When my husband eventually revealed all his trespasses to me which also included a 4 month affair with a co worker, I called my friend. Not in anger. I actually thought it was just a horrible mistake on their parts but we could get by it and remain friends. She then accused my husband of raping her. So, I had to deal with my husband confessing to sleeping with 2 women, one for months and one who swore he raped her.

Besides surviving infidelity, I am also a rape survivor. When you have been violently raped you may find it unforgiveable for someone who has not been raped to throw that around as part of an excuse. This 'friend' never apologized either. I eventually had to cut off the relationship as she continued to blame my H for everything wothout taking any responsibilty for her actions. It was just too damaging to me.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: southeastern VA
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((stoli))

My WH (now X) and OW (she and her kids were house guests) also had an affair in my house, while I was sleeping. It is an awful feeling and it is almost like a triple betrayal - H, Friend, and your space has been violated.

I am also sorry that your friend cried "rape". That is such a sorry excuse!! I am sure you realize that she will never take any responsibility for her actions.

Are you and WH R? How is that going?

((hugs))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17282 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
stoli
♀ New Member
Member # 5740
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. We are in counseling together and I also am in IC. We are attempting R but it has been hard. Of course, I guess it is never easy.

When I look back now I see how naive I was thinking that it was just a huge misunderstanding and we could all still be friends.

One of the most difficult parts of all this is that it takes some time for your mind to wrap itself around ALL the changes you will go through. In an instant, the marriage you knew is over. In an instant the friend you loved like a sister is gone. And no one can really understand the way your life has changed. I know now I was in shock after D-Day. It has been 2.5 years. I am better but my marriage is still a mess.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: southeastern VA
tore_up
♂ Member
Member # 9171
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, April 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stoli,
I am sorry for you and that you are here with us. We are and will be for each other.

I had the same thing with the house. I had found out that it happened in my/our house. I do mean everything. It was very hard to hear. The only thing that she could really reassure me was that it never happened in our bed. Well thank god for that. I would hate to have to get rid of everything we ever owned.

Everyone here is very helpful and very nice so if you need anything, Just ask or speak up.


Me46bs
her46ww
4 kids
married 26 years!!!
working on 27
24/20 girls
15/14 boys
Grandson!
d-day#1 5/2/04
d-day#2 5/16/05


Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2005
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tore_up said

I would hate to have to get rid of everything we ever owned.

That is EXACTLY what I plan to do! But then, we never R. He never gave me a chance.

I will be moving out of this house of sin next year (after DD finishes elementary school) and I plan to have a BIG moving sale. Everything must go!!

The only things I will keep are my bed (which was never violated), furniture my father made, quilts my mother made, and maybe the dining room set -- but only if I move into a place with a dining room. Also some elctronics, bedding, and maybe 2 of my living room chairs. And my remote control. (ha ha, reference to the movie The Jerk).

I would do it now, but I need the stuff for "staging" to sell the house.

But then, I want a fresh start with all my own stuff that only *I* picked out!



And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17282 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, April 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stoli,

I'm glad you found your way here. This place has absolutely been my lifesaver.

My home was also defiled and so far it has cost us a lot of money to replace furniture. I even made him repaint the room they used.

Like tore_up, thankfully they were never in my bedroom. I love my bed and would hate to have to replace it.

I am gradually taking back my home. I am starting to feel comfortable here again although I still have trouble at times. I just tell myself that this is MY HOME and I have every right to feel safe and comfortable here.

You have a long hard road ahead of you and please continue to post.

I wish you well in your R.

flipper


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
tore_up
♂ Member
Member # 9171
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to check in and make sure everyone is doing OK. This is the month that I have dreaded all year. Tomorrow is three out from D-Day #1 and things have gotten better and the memories have faded some. I can still see me picking her up in the rain that morning after she been to the bar. She said nothing much really happened and that it meant nothing, but it still hurt like hell to me.

The 16th-17th are the harder days. That is when I found out about my brother.

Please keep me in your prayers and I will keep in touch on how my month from hell is going.

Thank you all for being here for me and others.


Me46bs
her46ww
4 kids
married 26 years!!!
working on 27
24/20 girls
15/14 boys
Grandson!
d-day#1 5/2/04
d-day#2 5/16/05


Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2005
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you posted tore_up. This is also a bad month coming up.

By this time 2 years ago, the A was in full throttle and I thought I was going crazy. They both made me think I was crazy. X was being an absolute ass and I was reacting negatively, so they both used that to justify the A.

On Saturday my neighbors are having their annual Kentucky Derby/Pool opening party. 2 years ago we went and brought OW. I was introducing her around. I explained that she was X's cousin. They both made a big deal about saying that she was his cousin's widow.

I somehow managed to get out of it last year, but this year DD and I are going. It will be very difficult for me. Everybody knows what happened. The party itself is a major trigger. And if anyone asks about X I am going to have to bite my tongue because there will be kids around. If, god forbid, anybody asks about HER... I just don't know what I will do.

It does not help that I still get mail for the bitch.

OH, and a year ago about this same time, X and I were supposed to be in R. He became very nasty and mean to me on the phone one day and I sent him a nasty response to his work email. He got pissed. I later found out that he had called her and then was nasty to me -- his effort to justify.

Just babbling now...


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17282 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
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