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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those dealing with a WS having had an affair with a friend or family member.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
sweet_agony
♀ Member
Member # 12685
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, my close cousin and my man got together and humped...she bought him a bus ticket to visit her for a month, and he jumped for the chance...boy, was that one devestating to me, I thought I would never come out of it. But I did, and it is past, and I have no contact with my cousin..lucky our family is distant anyway, and the relatives who were brother and sister are years dead now...her mother moved away from "home" and never came back, but my cousin and I began a close friendship in the 1980's through letters, and visits during my cross country trips. So not having her in my life is relatively easy. And I forgave the BP, but he ended up having an undercover affair with someone else that lasted over a year...false reconcilation with me...and he broke up with me in a hostile, yelling manner...NC with me...

It is all a horrible nightmare, how this life of mine has played out with betrayal...but all I will say about the double was it was unlike anything I have ever gone through, and it was the straw that nearly had me take my own life. But I didn't, and here I am, removed from the daily trauma of it...but it still is a dark memory.


Me-45
him 52

BP=betraying partner


Posts: 239 | Registered: Nov 2006
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edited due to prying eyes.

Feel free to PM me if you want any info.

[This message edited by flipper at 7:55 AM, April 27th (Monday)]


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
cryingdaily
♀ Member
Member # 7276
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, April 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, me, I'm here.....WXBF had a 3 year A with his "best friend's" W who was my "friend". OC was the result.


Me: BS 48
Him: Doesn't matter any more.
The Royal Court, formerly known as the Princess Posse:
DD31 - Belle
DD23 - Xena
GD10 - Jasmine
GD8 - Ariel
GD Born 9/4/12 - Tink

Posts: 14367 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Massachusetts
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in too. My FWH had an A with his co-worker who became a friendof mine - or so I thought. We shared so many times together with and without our S's. I frequently would call the office and ask if she needed help - she always seemed to be falling behind in her work so I would go over and help her to catch up. Looks like I gave them all the more time to ---- What a dumb ass I was. For the whole gory tale, it's in my profile if interested. I'm just glad that I never have to look at her pathetic, ugly face again. I really feel for those of you whose OP was a family member. I don't know what I'd do. It's bad enough knowing that someone you thought was a trusted friend could stab you in the back like that and take so many opportunities to do the stabbing. It really alters our view of humanity - at least it does for me. I hope each of us who decide to join this group can find and offer support here. Hugs to all!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 1:45 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
windows
Member
Member # 14054
Angry  Posted: 1:50 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wh had one with a friend/neighbor makes you not want anymore friends or neighbors.

Posts: 396 | Registered: Mar 2007
kdny
♀ Member
Member # 760
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in this group too.

My H had a three year A with my best friend.

Trouble is, she became my "best friend" after she was already sleeping with my husband so it was three years of being stabbed in the back while thinking that I'd found a friend for life.

Live and learn.

D-day was almost 7 years ago so I've left most of the feelings in the past and healed pretty well.


Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

Posts: 81335 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kdny - how did you get past the betrayal of your friend? Did you have it out with her, did you ignore her, did she approach you or did you approach her? I really don't want any contact but there is a R problem with the OP when you choose not to make contact for a sense of closure. I'd be very interested to see how you got past this with your X?friend. Thanks for sharing.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
StarGazer
♀ Member
Member # 7575
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW became my "friend" after my H started having an affair with her.

I will never understand how she could become my "friend" and look me in the face when she was doing what she was doing.

[This message edited by StarGazer at 2:13 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]


BS(me): 33
WH(him): 33
Married 12 years, together 15 years
Four children: 5, 7, 10, and 12
D-Day: 5/29/05 (going on from 2/05 - 6/05)
Had an affair with a co-worker, he left, but now he is back and we are R

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Maine
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SG - I think what makes them even more evil is that they come into the lives of our children as well and pretend to care about their well-being. My children are very angry, hurt and bewildered that this person did this to them and to me. My D called her immediately after my H admitted his A to our children. She screamed at her and let her know exactly how she felt about her and what she did. I was always so proud (and a little jealous) that she got to tell her how she felt about her. I never wanted to see or speak to her again and I still feel that way. Worst of all, the A was outed right before my D's wedding and the timing was just so awful so her anger was very intense to say the least. She still has problems with this. My youngest D tells me that if she ever should see her in public she thinks she won't be able to control her self and fantasizes about walking up to her and smacking her across the face. I know that feeling. I don't discourage her either. I feel like I should be encouraging them to forgive her, if only in their hearts, but I can't bring myself to do that. Does that make me a bad mom?


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys...here's one to make you smile.

My daughter was on a school field trip to Chicago and the last FB was one of the chaprones.

FB HATESsnakes. The group went to a zoo that had a large snake exhibit.

My daughter insistedthe whole group go through the Snake House knowing full well that FB hates them.

I love my daughter so

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6329 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the best K9. Give your D a hug from me. You know, I might be able to use that idea some day. My H's FB (love that term) hates dogs (I should have known something was wrong with her - I love 4 legged creatures and they're a whole lot more loyal than the dogs we're married to ). Maybe I can send a pack over to her place if she ever tries to break NC. And they won't be the gentle kind either. Only pit bulls and dobermans. Anyone have one I can borrow on a moment's notice?


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
StarGazer
♀ Member
Member # 7575
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the worst things immediately post d-day was when my youngest daughter (then 3) would constantly ask when OW would be coming over to play with her again. She would also ask if we could go visit her.

One day I just got so upset and said, "You aren't going to see her ever again." She asked me why and I said, "Because she was very mean to mommy and did something that hurt her alot." Again she asked why and I just answered, "I don't know."


BS(me): 33
WH(him): 33
Married 12 years, together 15 years
Four children: 5, 7, 10, and 12
D-Day: 5/29/05 (going on from 2/05 - 6/05)
Had an affair with a co-worker, he left, but now he is back and we are R

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Maine
kdny
♀ Member
Member # 760
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kdny - how did you get past the betrayal of your friend? Did you have it out with her, did you ignore her, did she approach you or did you approach her? I really don't want any contact but there is a R problem with the OP when you choose not to make contact for a sense of closure. I'd be very interested to see how you got past this with your X?friend


D-day happened when her husband (also our friend) found out and sent me an e-mail.

I then wrote her a letter and mailed it. She left a message on my machine that said "it wasn't just me".

For the next two months before she moved away (Thank God) we e-mailed a few times.

I never really got a sincere apology.

I went through severe withdrawal from the friendship. I mourned the loss of what I thought I'd had and felt like such a fool for being so blind.

It took me a long time to be able to reach the "indifference" stage. I'd say probably 3 years.

I was left with a complete distrust of any female relationship. That didn't go away until last year and that was with the help of some wonderful people I met here at SI.

Getting past this takes a long time and lots of soul searching but you will get past it.


Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

Posts: 81335 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew the OW for almost as long as I had known my XH. We all went to high school together. She was more like a sister than a friend. I considered her family.

It's funny. I haven't spoken to her for years now and I have not really missed her (kinda hated her too much) but just a few minutes ago I found myself thinking I wish we were still talking because she'd probably know the answer to a question that's been dogging me.

And then I saw this thread.

Crazy.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49406 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Kdny for your response. And hugs to you on losing someone you thought was a friend. It's funny, I could feel the OW moving away from the friendship toward the end and didn't know why - I do now. We used to do so much together, lunch, dinner, movies, bridal and baby showers, girls' night out and even worked together when she needed help in the office and then in the last 6 months before d-day she started acting strange. I wasn't upset - there was so much going on and besides, I have a best friend - my sister, so I didn't feel the loss now or then. Just lots of questions of how she could have faced me during those 8 years. I know it would make me feel so much better to know that she is miserable, disgusted with herself and utterly remorseful. I think it would restore my belief in friendship and humanity in general. But I'll just have to settle for imagining this is true.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:04 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Uriah
♂ Member
Member # 13192
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone, great to have this place up and running.

As many know - my W had a 2.5 year EA including the last 1.5 years as a PA with my married cousin, who was also my pastor. I knew him much longer than my wife and we built a church together. So from this mess - along with the horrible things lost in an affair, I lost my cousin, his parents, my church, and many friends from the church who stayed to protect him.

Funny how after so much is lost, it becomes clear what is worth fighting for and what is really important.

How many of you found after double betrayal it was easy to prioritize the things in your life - and that prioritization was different than before the affair?


Reconciling through the grace of God.

The cost of an A - VERY HIGH
The value of a FWW moving heaven and earth to make things right - PRICELESS


Posts: 190 | Registered: Jan 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uriah, sorry for your losses but it looks like you and your FWW are working hard and doing well in R. Strange thing about priorities - I always thought I had them fairly straight, especially after my father's death and then 9/11. One thing though that was a little off was that I always put my children first. My FWH never put me first - it was always his career and his interests and then me and our children. I never felt guilty about putting their needs before his. Obviously, he never put mine before his own so all was fair, right? After d-day, we are both working to put the M first, and to consider the needs of each other. We don't ignore the kids, but they are grown now and don't need the kind of attention and care they did when they were small that always seemed to come first. I'd be interested to hear how you feel your priorities changed. It will be interesting to see how others respond as well.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
kdny
♀ Member
Member # 760
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many of you found after double betrayal it was easy to prioritize the things in your life - and that prioritization was different than before the affair?

Absolutely.

I am a much different person than I was then.

The things that I thought were important then are no longer important.

My priorities are much different now.


Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

Posts: 81335 | Registered: Dec 2002 | From: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
Uriah
♂ Member
Member # 13192
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf, my priorities did change significantly after the A. They are significantly attached to the situation and I know that I had been doing things wrong.

Before the A God, church, church work, kids, wife, work. I never really thought about the marriage - because I loved my W and I was doing God's work I assummed every thing else would fall into place. What a fool I was. My W pretty much agrees with this - except she thinks my work was after church work and before kids. I was very buy in a very stressful job, but never felt this way. However, others perceptions are their reality.

Thinking I was doing God's work I killed myself by - opening Sunday service, leading song service, preaching sometimes, teaching the teens every other Wednesday, church treasurer, and a trustee. Then every Saturday I worked to remodel the church, my fathers home, or work on other church members homes. I never started one of those projects without talking to my wife, talking to my pastor, and without praying about it. This went on for 7 years. My wife saw how happy it made me to work for God so she never said no. I thought her response and the pastor's response was God answering my prayer, so I never said no to these projects. In hind site, the pastor was telling me to do these projects to keep me away from my W, so he could manipulate her.

Now my priorities are God, Wife/Marriage, Kids, family, work. Still not making myself a priority


Reconciling through the grace of God.

The cost of an A - VERY HIGH
The value of a FWW moving heaven and earth to make things right - PRICELESS


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