This is the third holiday season in a row he has brought me pain.
There is no "merry" or "happy" in Christmas and Holidays.
i am so sorry. are you spending the holiday with family or friends?
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
It is like I am living in a nightmare.
Edited to removes several comments...
[This message edited by badlyhurting at 10:43 AM, January 12th (Monday)]
do you have anyone irl you can talk to?
when are you supposed to do that phone counseling with the women's shelter?
stay strong. i know it's hard, but things will get better.
It hasn't helped up until now, though...
[This message edited by badlyhurting at 10:47 AM, January 12th (Monday)]
I'm having a lot of extreme emotions and anger, and difficulty concentrating, sleep problems, etc.
I don't have a suicidal bone in my body; I've often told people that if they find me dead of apparent suicide, tell the cops I was definitely murdered.
But I do feel rather hopeless. I don't think there's any way to salvage this M, and my life is basically ruined. I had everything invested in my family, my kids, and all that stuff - so hard around Christmastime - because I can't envision family Christmas with my grandkids, or any of that, because I can't see myself staying with FWW. I hate her, I wish she'd just go away forever, or die.
And that's why I'm starting on AD's.
FWW has struggled with depression on and off her whole life - partially what led to her A's. When I first noticed it 13 years ago, I told her to get help; mainly because I didn't like how she was treating me. When she would share her sadness with me (very rarely), I would feel sorry for her, but I could not force her to get help. She refused. Later she went on Zoloft, but didn't get treated or evaluated for depression. (GP handed her "happy pills" to stop her complaining).
Lately, I'm not sure I give a crap about her problems anymore. She's got to take care of her own shit, and as long as she's a danger to me; well, I've got to take care of mine.
[This message edited by toonice at 6:56 PM, December 26th (Friday)]
please update and let us know you're ok.
toonice, give the ad's a couple of weeks. if they don't help, they may not be right for you and you may need to try a different one.
Called the courthouse, though, and found out STBX/WS lied yet again and didn't turn in the papers he said he did. (They are not in the file, as he said they were. Guess they could be somewhere in the courthouse, but I'm skeptical.)
I just feel like this H*** will never end...
I've been so down the past month that I've considered ending it all, too. And I can't tell anyone, either, because I've been locked up in a ward before and if I even hint at how I'm feeling they'll lock me up again, I know it. People look at me differently once they find out I've been in a mental hospital, even for the brief 72 hours I was there. The stigma is alive and well...
How are you coping? Have you gotten any answer from the shelter? Are you on a time limit as far as where you're staying now?
Hang in there, I know it's hard, I really do. One thing that I'm very grateful for is that I still have a job right now, but that could change at any time and I know it. I've never been a religious person, but I'm starting to learn the meaning of the word prayer - believe me.
ETA: Spelling errors fixed.
[This message edited by Fireball72 at 12:32 PM, December 30th (Tuesday)]
Almost all day, everyday, I just want to/wish to die.
A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. - Robert Quillen, journalist
Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3
Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.
All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1
[This message edited by badlyhurting at 5:33 PM, January 12th (Monday)]
I have fallen into the pit. All black, with no hope, or joy, or hint of it ever ending.
I can't function.
There is only fear, anger, sadness.
I wish the pain would end.
there is always hope
He put me on citalopram 20mg, which was recently increased to 30mg around the time I found out that the affair was still going on.
I had a lot of side effects for the first few weeks, and some of them are still there (difficulty reaching orgasm, etc...) but overall they have really helped me.
I think one of the biggest helps for me has been trying to find my own identity again. I've started taking a 'confidence building and positive living' course, and I've been reading books on NLP and confidence.
My life has turned around a lot over recent weeks and I've started to reduce the dose of citalopram.
I'm feeling more positive than I have done in a long time.
I've realised that the choices are within me. Only I can bring myself out of this. Pills, therapists, etc... Yes, they're all helpful but I have realised that no one can do the work for me.
Hope you're still reading and with us.
As far as appetite loss goes, yes, I'd say it's pretty common on ADs. If you're not far out from D-day, that's also going to intensify. Make sure you're taking SOME kind of nourishment - even if it's just liquid-based like broth or Ensure shakes. When I have trouble eating - and I do, sometimes still - I make myself fruit and ice smoothies in a blender - I add protein powder to them so that I can get some benefits out of them, and the fruit intake helps. They're easy to swallow and they'll keep me going.
It is VERY IMPORTANT that you try to eat, even if it's just smoothies or soup for now. For me personally, I have very bad physical symptoms as well as mental, and not eating aggravates my condition - makes me feel that much worse - so even if I'm not hungry, I'll make a smoothie or something so that my body won't "turn" on me, so to speak.
A week from D-day is a VERY SHORT period of time, so this is very much normal right now - it's what some call "the infidelity diet" and it SUCKS, believe me. But it'll get better - promise. It might take some time, but it will get better.
[This message edited by Fireball72 at 10:59 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]
[This message edited by Fireball72 at 9:08 PM, February 5th (Thursday)]