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User Topic: Dealing With Depression
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Member # 9901
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have wanted to hurt myself, I have wanted to take my life.

I have sunk to the bottom of the bottom, and handled it poorly to boot.

I know now how much my depression hurt everyone around me, and those I love were hurt the most.

The A added to the battle.

I am, however, getting better. It can happen. Choose a path and move on; if it turns out to be the wrong path, choose another. Repeat as needed.

Surviving it does not mean that it was ever ok.
D-Day 1: November 17, 2005
D-Day 2: January 20, 2006
Divorced December 1, 2009
Waiting period over March 1, 2010

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Feb 2006
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Member # 12719
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, here goes...

I have been depressed, I think, for my entire life. I tend to have a cycle of holding stuff in till it comes crashing out...just like my Dad. The A has simply made it worse for me.

I started on Lexapro about 4 months ago, and Wellbutrin about a month ago. The Lexapro helped a bit, but the Wellbutrin really helped more with the focus I'd lost.

Well, I had another explosion on Friday. I was upset about FWH wanting to schedule a business trip at the same time as THE ONLY VACATION I have ever taken without him in the last 7 years.

I sat and steeped until...kaboom! He made a remark about me forgetting to take my meds that morning, which I did, and I lost it...bad.

I did the stupidest thing ever and went into our bedroom, got all of my pills (including the vitamins, blood pressure, and birth control pills) walked into the kitchen, and put them all down the kitchen sink.

Let's just say, the argument went downhill from there. He threatened to call the police for endangerment, but never did when I told that I would 'do it for real' if I had to go to jail.

He said he would D me if I didn't follow my doctor's orders and get back on the drugs and continue counseling.

Looking back now, it was such a childish and stupid move, but at the time, I just didn't give a damn, I was done.

There have been many, many times where I have wanted to commit myself if not for a 'vacation' of sorts. Feeling like I simply can no longer deal with it all.

Now I am having a hard time filling my prescription. My insurance company won't authorize them before their refill date on the 8th. I don't want to tell FWH, because I'm sure he'll be upset and I will know that he is mad because of my actions.

So, I think this depression thread has really come at a good time.

Any help for me?

Me: FBS, 34, H: FWS, 34
Married 9/1/02
DDay #1: 10/15/06
2 Amazing Kids, 4 (DS) & 2 (DD) year old.
Worked on R, but Separated 11/07.
"I'll never trust anyone more than I trust myself."

Posts: 2559 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Arizona
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Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember feeling depressed a few years after my second child,may have been sooner.
Then there was the third and fourth child and nothing ever got checked,because I never knew thats what it was.
I was a SAHM and my H worked ,sometimes two jobs.No other life but the kids and household.
I would call my H,crying and needing time to get out of the house.
I was a lunatic.Screaming at my kids,nasty most of the time,sad for some unknown reason.
It really started to hit when I turned 30.I dont know why but when I turned thirty I got a large dose of panic.My grandfather died as well,from lung cancer.We were very close.I was the favorite.
I remember wanting to stay in bed or be alone.
We eventually bought our own home,moved away from the rest of my family and I was home with the youngest,alone most of the time.
Thats when I began to actually think I was depressed.I called for help once but never did anything.
Once the kids were all in scool,Septeber 11th came and I started getting weird.Feeling like I needed to get something done fro me.Became more bitchy and so on.
Once I started getting more involved in school,work and home life,plus a grandmother who had a stroke,that was it.
Once I graduated it all started to come un done.
It was like I blew a fuse.
The A happend.I lost respect for myself and anyone around me.I didnt give a crap what happened really.Fuck the world.
So,once the A was out in the open and H started rejecting me,hanging out at the bar,I wanted to end my life.
I was losing everything.It hurt like hell.The person I had been with for a long time,just gave up.
I wanted to die at that point and would have if I hadnt have been taken to the hospital via the police.
I had told my H I was ending it and he called them.
Since then I have been on zoloft until this year.I am now on Effexor.
I feel so much better.I am unsure if I will be able to be off all.I maybe one of those who is on it for lifetime.
Time will tell.

I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.

Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
Markus ur Alias
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Member # 10889
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never really wanted to "hurt" myself. I've never been a cutter. Frankly, I don't get it. There were a couple times I took a handful of pills though. I think they were sleepers, muscle relaxants and pain relievers. Didn't do much. Don't hurt yourself and take your meds. You know how I knew I was depressed? I couldn't move. Nothing interested me in the least. When it hits you, you'll know it. Take the meds.

"I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing,
pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
disintegrating as it goes testing our communication"
Tool - Schism

Posts: 1539 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Philadelphia, PA
Member # 13824
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first bout with depression was realtively brief, I tumbled into depression. Because of the excellent comprehensive care/intervention I got at the time, I rallied very quickly.

Was highly productive throughout my twenties and early twenties when married STBXH/WS. the depression I've slowly descended into after maryying my STBXH/WS 20 years ago is brutal.

This second bout with major depression has lasted almost 5 years, with it worsening in the last 1 year. No matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to find relief yet. STBXH/WS is a diagnosed slcoholice throoughout the marriageI'm afraid I'll never get out of this depression, which is so severe that I am still unable to work or function, don't shower for days at a time, and just lay in bed for days, almost lifeless, and feel NO hope. My dreams are dead.

[This message edited by GalGrowingUp at 5:02 AM, April 8th (Sunday)]

Posts: 218 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: New Hampshire
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Member # 1305
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have suffered from depression all of my life. I first felt suicidal at age 8 (first attempt.) I thought this was due to the sexual, physical, emotional abuse and neglect that I experienced as a child, but now I am not so sure. I think this is the way my brain works, but I do believe that some of my problems were caused by trauma.

I had severe depression in my early 20's with suicide attempts.

By my late 20's I was doing okay and off of meds for about 10 years. I started back on meds a couple of years before D-Day. My XH did not like that because they "flattened" my moods.

A month or so ago I experienced the same sort of depression I had in my 20's and was terrified. I felt like I had no one to talk to and ended up emailing the Samaratins out of the UK. I realized there were two factors that brought this depression on: Discontinuing steroids that I take for lupus and starting on the mood stabilizer Trileptal. One would think a mood stabilizer would not cause suicidal depression....but it did.

I have ADHD and a constant sense of being overwhelmed. My XH probably has NPD (according to my counselor) and constantly dealing with him is wearing me thin. He is still refusing to pay his part of our daughter's medical just fills me with anger.

My rheumatologist tells me that lupus (which I have) and depression go hand in hand.

At this point in my life I really have only myself to depend on. Recently I had a medical procedure and they wanted a family member present. My mother said "I'll probably come down...." These kind of things just make me crazy...feeling like there is no one.

Now I am struggling with my XH to get my daughter on medication that she needs. He disagrees with most everything I do...

I work 50+ hours a week. I have to do my taxes. I have to clean the house. I have to prepare to take my XH to court....I am tired and overwhelmed.

I try not to share to much with my mother. Recently, though, she told me that she was not going to let my problems drag her down. She had told me that she was going to come once a week to help me, but she came twice and quit coming. Actually, she looks to me for emotional support.

I have a lot of suppressed anger. I am mad at myself and my husband. I am still mad at my daughter for telling my XH lies about me last summer because she was mad because I worked all the time. She told my XH I was mistreating and neglecting her. I was called a bitch by all three of them. They treatened to call CPS. My D has physcially attacked me.

Some days I struggle with a fog of pain and fatigue. I wonder if this is all there is in life ....struggle and loneliness. I look in the mirror and see an ugly person.

[This message edited by Sweeting at 4:41 PM, April 6th (Friday)]

Posts: 3974 | Registered: Mar 2003
♂ Member
Member # 14090
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does the clock move so damn slow. It's been almost 4 weeks since DDay. It seems like centuries.....

There is never a single right solution. But there are always multiple wrong ones.

Posts: 4657 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Lurch's Lunatic Asylum
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Member # 1713
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In response to what are the sumptoms of depression:

Some of the more common symptoms of depression are:
Changes in sleep habits such as insomnia, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much.

Changes in eating habits such as loss of appetite or weight gain.

Decreased energy, feeling of fatigue.

Restlessness and irritability.

Difficulty in concentration, remembering, and making decisions.

Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, guilt or worthlessness.

Persistent sad, anxious, or empty feelings.

Loss of interest in pleasurable activities, such as involvement with loved ones or hobbies.

Thoughts of death or suicide.

To fulfill the diagnostic criteria for major depressive episode (in other words to receive an official diagnosis of depression), five (or more) of these symptoms have to be present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning. At least one of the symptoms must be either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure (DSM-IV, 1996).

To Do No Harm

Posts: 5608 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: planet earth
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Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've suffered from depression all my life, I think, now that I look back and know the symptoms. I was officially diagnosed in 1996 and have been medicated with AD's ever since. I've recently had to add anti-anxiety meds to the mix.

My WH's A has made everything worse by about a thousand times. Now I (lucky me) even feel suicidal at times.

I've called our state's suicide hotline 3 times in the 6 weeks since D-Day.

Has anyone been treated on an IN-patient basis for their depression? Did it help?

I'm wondering if I need more than meds at this point, but I don't want to be away from my kids.

[This message edited by wasfooled2 at 10:02 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]

(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick

Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
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Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DI...yes, I have wanted to hurt myself.

(sorry, this is graphic)

When I was a little kid growing up with an abusive mother, I used to hurt myself all the time. Why? Because it got me some positive attention while I healed and the pain was inflicted by my own hand and not by my mom's. It made me feel better somehow to know I could control the pain.

I used to take a pair of scissors and scrape the skin off the tops of my hands, which would create big, bleeding raw spots.

I always told mom I fell or burned myself or something stupid like that. I don't know if she believed me or not. Probably not, but she was always too drunk to think straight anyway.

Now that I'm older, I don't do stuff like that anymore, but I do have an odd sense of pleasure when I get a cold or gives me a little time to just feel like crap with an excuse and curl up inside myself.

I'm sure that's the depression talking and people would probably have me committed if they knew, but I can't help it.

It's amazing what your mind can make you do to yourself.

(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick

Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
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Member # 12129
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was diagnoised with depression ove 10 years ago. It is always triggered when I'm under a great deal of stress or am experiencing a lot of anxiety.
I've been on medication just as long. The doctor even thought there were times I was ready to come off of the medication. I attempted at least twice (under my doctors care) and when ever I'd get into a stressful situation, I'd begin to shutdown to "cope".
I've been suicidal or have comtemplated it numerous times. Always picture the scenrio of being discovered. Typically it's my daughters that would find, and that thought puts things in perspective. I'd be gone taking the easy way out, and they would live on with the reality. I don't want to ever have them live through that.

Divorce final August 15, 2007

. . . 'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: IL
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Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't depressed. I can remember curling up in my bunk bed with my teddy bear wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up.

I kept it to myself for a long long time, I knew I felt different than other people and didn't want anyone to know how screwed up I really was.

It got substantially worse during my teens, culminating in a suicide attempt when I was 18. Everyone wrote it off as a cry for attention from a boyfriend who'd just dumped me and I was not treated or even evaluated for depression. I did get medical care just no psychiatric help.

After that I worked even harder to hide it from those around me but it came out in other ways. I was just a deep dark pit of need and I kept looking for someone to make that pit go away. I slept with a lot of guys I really should just have stayed away from.

Somewhere in all that sexual fumbling, I met my H and we got married, moved across the country and started a family. It got hard to hide from him that there was something wrong but neither one of us really knew what to do.

It took my dearest friend admitting that she was being treated for depression to make me take a step back and think that maybe I should talk to a doctor.

It took me awhile to build up to it but I finally did and started getting treatment. Anti-depressants weren't a cure-all for me, nor did they make me bounce off the walls with joy. They took the edge off life, they made the black clouds that seemed to follow me everywhere go away. I was still me, just not such a dark and twisty me.

My H's EA threw me way off balance. I sank into a horrible place where I genuinely hoped and prayed that when I finally fell asleep I'd never wake up again. I even went so far as to book a hotel room with the intention of killing myself there. I went to the hotel room but didn't follow through with my plan. I don't really know what stopped me but now 2+ years later I'm glad I didn't do it.

I still struggle with those thoughts from time to time but most days I'm okay. Some days I'm even great!

I don't think I would still be here if it weren't for ADs and doctors willing to listen and work with me.

My H was initally very unsupportive of me. He didn't believe depression existed, he didn't think anti-depressants had any validity, he believed that a person just had to make a real choice to be happy and that was that.
At some point, after I started taking ADs, he re-evaluated his opinion and he has become VERY supportive.

If I have to take ADs every day for the rest of my life, I will gladly do so. Being depressed and not being treated is not an option for me. Life without treatment is really no life at all. Not for me or those who love me.

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
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Member # 11645
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you keep in a GOOD mood for most of the time?
I can be going great one minute and the next... BAMMMM
I am upside down, confused, upset, mixed up and feeling like I don't fit in or belong anywhere and wonder the What if's...
I am back to grinding my teeth again at night when I sleep. I was doing soo good at keeping my feelings and emotions in check until now and then.
Feeling lost and going out of my mind...
Thanks God for my kids.

Me: Happy it is over :)
Her: Someone else's problem now.
Divorce papers were my anniversary card. Divorce is immenent, just waiting, Update: STILL WAITING 12/20/07 Looks like it will be over 2/8/08
It's OVER!! Thank God.

Posts: 219 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Illinois
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Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling lost and going out of my mind...

Me too, Wronged. Maybe it's an Illinois thing. I see you're from here, too. :)

Just kidding. I know you're hurting. Just trying to make you smile a little.

(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick

Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
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Member # 11645
Target  Posted: 2:41 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the laugh. I just don't feel I belong anymore any place I may find myself.

Me: Happy it is over :)
Her: Someone else's problem now.
Divorce papers were my anniversary card. Divorce is immenent, just waiting, Update: STILL WAITING 12/20/07 Looks like it will be over 2/8/08
It's OVER!! Thank God.

Posts: 219 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Illinois
♀ Member
Member # 13848
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate feeling this way, always thinking about the A.

If your family has a history of depression are you more likely to get it? Because I have a family history of it.

And I think back in college, I was depressed. Never diagnoised, but I was also suffering from an eating disorder and the break up of a relationship. I never went to a dr. about either, didn't want anyone to know.

But I have an upcoming Dr's appt to talk to him about this.

I've never wanted to really hurt myself, unless you count starving yourself as hurting yourself.

I just want to feel happy again, not just plaster a smile on my face.

FBW (me) - 33
FWH (him) - 34
Married - 10 Years
Three Kids, 8, 5, and 2
Reconciling, Doing well.

The greatest gift a father can give to his children is to love their mother.

Posts: 272 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Michigan
Member # 11848
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've strugged with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was a child. I remember when i was about 8 looking through my mom's (dad was long gone) medicine chest looking for enough pills to kill myself with. I swallowed a bottle of aspirin and nothing happened! When I lost my job and my BF decided that would be a good time to start cheating I tried ADs for a while, but they didn't work on me, in fact I got worse. So now i just avoid self-medicating with pot and booze, which only makes it worse, try to exercise regularly and take breaks whenever I can. Also, when I'm feeling good I try really hard to internalize the feeling so when I'm feeling bad I can remember it and try to look forward to feeling that way again. I know there are new ADs since I last tried them, but I'm in a demanding field and can't afford to be fuzzy-brained. Are there any that don't do that? I'm afraid to try them again cause I'm afraid if I'm numb I wont' be able to think.

Posts: 2976 | Registered: Aug 2006
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Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well.... I took my own 'advice' and went for a long lovely walk.

I feel wonderful and on top of the world.

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
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Member # 13634
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am dually diagnosed. I have recurring depression and I am an alcoholic (in remission). The few relapses I've had were the result of emotional pain beyond what I thought I could bear. The shock of my H leaving is no exception, except that now I know I can't get through this divorce unless I stay sober and on my meds (Lexapro & Wellbutrin).

What my depression feels like:

*I'm spiraling down a black hole

*Suicide seemed like a good idea after D-day

*Lethargy, my body feels heavy and it sometimes hurts


*Cannot answer the phone; can't (don't want to) talk to anyone.

*Loss of appetite

*Too much or too little sleep

*Regress to zero self-esteem

*Want to hide from the world and watch T.V.

*Feel very afraid most of the time

To all who are on ADs:

Stay on them unless your Dr. decides take you off of them.

Even if you feel they are not working, do not abruptly stop

Please don't give up. There are many new ones coming out and sometimes you'll need to try another before you get some relief. Also it takes about 4-8 weeks (it can vary) to get results.

I'll probably be taking them for quite a while. Don't want to go back to the hole.


[This message edited by Pivot at 3:37 PM, April 6th (Friday)]

"Oh, sweet sorrow, the time you borrow, will you be here when I wake up tomorrow?" --Katherine Wolf
"Where the past, present and future collide..." --Pivot
"When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy" -- George Burns

Posts: 355 | Registered: Feb 2007
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Member # 8502
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'm feeling depressed. I'm trying to stick it out till the end of the year, and under my breath, all I want to say is "FUCK YOU".
I sleep alot, and this is just in the past few days. I don't know why all of a sudden. I thought I had a good handle on things.
It just seems so very hopeless.
I don't have any of those "nice" feelings at all. I don't want to touch him, and I cringe when he touches me.
Was I a fool to agree to yet even more torture?
I don't know.
Can't afford an IC, or drugs.


"If you want Loyalty, get a Dog"
One very special Daughter-5.
Together 9 years.
D-Day 10/23/05

"Treat Me Like An Angel, And I'll Take You To Heaven"

Posts: 1491 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Mtns. of So Cal
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