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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
elly
♀ New Member
Member # 26193
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, November 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, This is my first post on this site so please bare with me. My WS works with the OW and although he has told her that there is to be NC they still talk about work. My D-Day is Sept 03-2009 so it has only been 2 months. The affair started when the OW cried in my WS arms. Things grew from there. They never slept together (or so he says) but they did fool around. It only lasted one month before I found out. I read his emails to her... this was very difficult and for some reason I forwarded them ti my work email and still have them saved. My question is about my WS christmas party. My WS has to be there as he is handing out awards. Should I go? What if I break down and start crying in front of everyone? and if he goes alone how will I get through the night? help....


BS-41 WS-39 D-Day 03-09-2009 OW 44 and works with WS

Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2009
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, November 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, we are here, and we are listening.

Is the ow married, if so the Husband must know.

Go to the party, just be careful, you don't want to drink too much, you need your wits about you. You go, or he doesn't go. It's as simple as that.

If you post in the Just Found Out forum, you may get more responses. It is slow here on the weekends.

Take care of yourself.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Cally60
♀ Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, November 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sympathies to you, Elly. I always dreaded the office parties anyway. Fortunately with the recession, my husband's company only has a children's party nowadays. Post-affair, I'm sure the adult parties would be almost unbearable.

You go, or he doesn't go. It's as simple as that.

I completely agree. Is your husband being supportive and remorseful? If so, that will make it easier. Stay close to your husband, so that the two of you present a united front. And if her husband knows, he will probably want to keep her away from your husband, too, so that will make avoiding her easier.

Yes, do repost your message in "Just Found out" as if people wanting to offer support only have time to visit one section of the forum at the weekend, it's likely to be there.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 2:39 PM, November 14th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2019 | Registered: Mar 2009
elly
♀ New Member
Member # 26193
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, November 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Thanks for the advice. The OW's husband doesn't know. All he knows is that the two of them are friends but he doesn't know how far things got. The OW has had affairs in the workplace before. She is a very bad person. She will do anything to get attention and uses her body to it. I will use your advice and post under the "just found out".
Thanks again...


BS-41 WS-39 D-Day 03-09-2009 OW 44 and works with WS

Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2009
bestrongforyou
♀ Member
Member # 25818
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, November 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

elly, tell him - 2 pair of eyes are better then one


Me(39)BS Him(35)

Posts: 659 | Registered: Oct 2009
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, November 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

elly, you have to tell him, I made the mistake of not telling the om's GF and I am still paying for it. Beware of the False R it's a killer


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, November 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Elli, you MUST tell the OW's husband. For so many reasons. Just think if he knew and you did not, how would you feel to find out he could have told you and did not and you found out some other way, a long time down the road. DO IT!


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
trinating
Member
Member # 25747
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, November 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Elly, we are very much in the same boat. WH had an A with a co-worker and my d-day was in September. He swears no sex. But it went on for several months, so I have my doubts. I am assuming the worst. Xmas party is a lunch that families are usually invited to. I have gone in past years, but don't plan to go this year. I have anxiety attacks when I think about being around any his co-workers. None of them know about the A and I have known them all well for years. Obviously I also have no desire to see the OW. I think my H may skip it as well.

Since the Xmas party in your case is at night, I would strongly suggest your H opt out. Have him make up an excuse.


Me-BS, 35
Him-FWH, 37
1 child, 2 years
Married 6 years
D-day, 9/24/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 173 | Registered: Oct 2009
hopefulvb
♀ Member
Member # 24353
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same boat here. Christmas party is a lunch in the shop for families. I usualy bring the kids and havent missed one in the 9 years he has worked there. How do I bring myself to go t his year. But how can I not. I hate everything that this has done to us- I dont see how you can move on while they still work together. And it has been 7 months since I found out- It dosent get any easier, at least not yet.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Jun 2009
mommy0508
♀ Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never gone to Christmas party with H but he assumed i wouldnt want to go this year so can't even remember when it is. Which in turn makes me want to go even more. I am just not sure if I am in the right mind set to put myself in that situation.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, November 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems that I have missed alot. Had a bunch of stuff going on and haven't been able to get computer time....

AZ - I would do the same thing if I was in your position. Right now, my H's only female friend is his best friends mom - she is 74 and very wise!

elly, I know from your other post that your WS has said he has to go. I call bull sh!t on that one. Someone else can hand out awards. It is hard enough dealing with the working together, but a social event is asking way too much this early on. Is there a reason why you have not told her BS?

Obliterated - sorry to hear that the new job has been rough going. I have no sympathy for your WH. He can make it whatever he wants to make it. If he wants to be unhappy, he will be...or he can choose to be happy.

My update -- FOW is on medical leave. I was just getting used to the fact that she would not be around for months and I was started to feel so free. Then the very next day, FWH calls...she showed up at the store to have lunch with another person. Bitch. She can't even stay away when she is supposed to be on bed rest. That totally wrecked my week, and I had been doing so well. Of course she had to show up on one of the days that H was in the office, not one of his days he works from home. I have warned him that as soon as she drops this Spawn child, she will be after him again.

(heavy sigh)


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, November 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Fleury, glad to hear that things aren't too terrible. I hope we all make it through the holidays ok.

tc


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Pepper_95
♀ Member
Member # 25858
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, November 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Elly, I would require that he find someone else to hand out awards.
He has a previous obligation....YOU!!


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Posts: 186 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: limbo
willthiseverend
♀ Member
Member # 25107
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, November 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi elly

Feel for you!!!


In a very similar situation myself.

He runs a research centre in a university. In his fog he gave her equal billing as director. The A is now over but that leaves them both working closely together. He swears nothing will ever happen, thinks I'm a bit over the top but I can't help the mind-movies. I've read enough here to realise that affairs often re-start.

Has this sirtauation worked out for anyone?

Has anyone learned to live with this and it all worked out alraight?

He is spending all day plus dinner with her tomorrow (& 10 others).

I don't want to move back in with him til this is sorted.


Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.


Posts: 454 | Registered: Aug 2009
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, November 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Willthis...welcome to our own version of hell.

I think there have been couples that have been able to work through this whole thing when they still work together. We have been at it for 7 months and are still working on R. Not long, I know but my H works with FOW out of town and she works directly for him, so there is mucho contact. It just adds an element of difficulty that we shouldn't really have to put up with at this already difficult time.

It takes time to learn to live with it and frankly the burden of the work is on the WS's side. They MUST do whatever it takes to make the BS feel comfortable. If you read some of the previous posts on this thread, it is something that a couple is constantly working on.

The dinner thing is going to be tough. Anyway you could arrange to have dinner at the same place? Anyway he could beg off in the last minute? Again, he has to be willing to make himself uncomfortable at work to help you get through this.

The decision on when to end your separation (I assume that is what you are talking about) is purely yours. My personal opinion is that R is extremely difficult in a separation situation unless very strict expectations are set.

Sorry you have to be here with us, but we are good crew to hang with. PM me anytime.

elly, what is going on with the Christmas party?????


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
accountable2one
♀ Member
Member # 25441
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, November 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They use to be on night shift together. He is now on days 2nd week. He maintains there has never been any affair!! I saw sexually charged e-mail last Jan from her. I saw her shaking her boobs for him. I am not an idiot. I just checked Phone log shows he called her last week on his way home. I did not confront on this. We are just coming off huge argument about him having 2 e-mail accounts.

He is sick of my snooping. Won't give me a look into his e-mail. He says if I am so convinced he had sex with her I should leave him. How do I get past this? Is it unreasonable for me to ask that he have no contact with this sleazy woman? My gut is telling me he is not being honest. All this negative emotion is so all consuming. If he would give me transparency I could believe him. Instead I doubt, mistrust, confront, and it all blows up again.


"My life is a contradiction of sorrow and desire, I drag my heart across the ash and throw it on the fire". John Melloncamp

Posts: 110 | Registered: Sep 2009
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, November 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Accountable...

Regardless of whether they had sex or not, the behaviour is inappropriate for a marriage. If he wants to stay married to you, he needs to cease contact with her and repair your marriage.

It sounds like he is gaslighting you and trying to make you think you are the bad guy here. You aren't.

I would suggest the 180, start to take care of yourself and don't drive yourself insane trying to control his behaviour because YOU can't. Only HE can do that and he doesn't want to.


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
czarina
♀ Member
Member # 25333
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, November 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted in this thread in a while, but I have to rant.

I'm pretty sure that there will be no reconciling as long as he still works with her (and she's not even at the same location!). They apparently "decided" that they should just be strictly professional, but they found that to be too awkward. Oh, boo fucking hoo. So then they decided that they would be able to be all nicey-nicey with each other and just not have the extended evening phone calls. He would call her to talk privately after they had a conference call with others, supposedly strictly work-related. But for some reason he has no need to follow-up after such meetings with his more penis-having coworkers.

And now they're back to the extended evening phone calls, because he "has nobody else to talk to!" Because you alienated your best friend. Fuckwad.


Me: BW, 29
Him: WH, 29
Married <1 year at D-Day; together 13 years
DDay: 7/19/09 (EA, coworker, started pre-wedding)
Separated 8/1/09
Divorced 7/6/2011

Posts: 216 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: MN
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, November 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((czarina))

We all know it takes two people to R.

I am sorry for what you are having to deal with.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, November 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you have to go through this Czarina.

Is this something you have talked about him not doing while you are separated?


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
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