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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will they ever get it? Really? Don't they understand that we are going through a pile of shit and on top of that dealing with constant contact? Isn't there some special compensation that we should get for this? Shouldn't there be something aside from "I didn't think" that we can have? Can't they just always think?

My H spent the last week or so telling me about a woman that he was hiring that is a lesbian, she is very man-ish. I heard all about the interviews and conversations he had with her before he hired her. All good work type conversations.

Then I find out today he also hired some 20 something former cheerleader. Yep, didn't hear a thing about this one. Nothing about an interview, nothing about conversations, just figured this one out on my own.

I confronted and HE got pissed that I was upset about it. I hear that for 4 months he has done nothing but the right thing. Wow. 4 whole freaking months.

Now, why did he tell me ALL about the lesbian and NOTHING about the cheerleader? Why wouldn't that start bells ringing in his head. Well, apparently because he is a changed person, he didn't think it would matter to me. Nope, doesn't matter, not in the least.

I think I deserve a damn prize for what I have been able to accomplish in 4 short months. (OK all of you deserve prizes too for putting up with AP's) And what do I get...nothing but the fact that he has done the right thing for 4 months.

All he had to do was tell me about the cheerleader too. That is it, if he had told me, I would not have freaked out. I swear I wouldn't. But it just seems to me that he tells me about the thing he knows I won't have a problem with, but avoids the one I will have a problem with.

Sometimes I just want to give up.


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, September 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fleury, I am sorry for what you are dealing with. At least, my W tells me everything. Not easy, but then we deal with it.

tc


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, September 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dirk, I think he doesn't get what is important to tell right now. I think if he didn't work with FMOW, I would still have questions and issues with the people he works with...KWIM? I don't know if I trust his judgement yet, so everything and everyone puts a little trip to my trigger. **sigh**


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, September 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

would still have questions and issues with the people he works with

I don't think it's about the people they work with, it's about them, and the things they do.

tc


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, September 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep Dirk, you are right.

Frankly, I trust him with OW more than a new person. Is that odd? I know in my heart of hearts that he won't do anything with HER again. I just don't know if he is at that point where he knows why he did it in the first place.

His self esteem is crap and his coping skills suck, therefore I fear his judgement.


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
tristesse
♀ Member
Member # 21565
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, September 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frankly, I trust him with OW more than a new person. Is that odd? I know in my heart of hearts that he won't do anything with HER again. I just don't know if he is at that point where he knows why he did it in the first place.

Fleury, not odd at all. I don't worry about my FWH starting up again with the FOW; she's no threat to me anymore. But I feel less certain about a new hire, for example. I keep myself informed now about who's at his workplace--I confirm the list of people from time to time. My FWH's OW was a fairly new employee who was a relative of another (male) employee I knew. I wrote her off as So-And-So's niece, and my FWH basically referred to her as "a kid" every time he mentioned her. I know better now. In fact, I've asked him if there has been anyone employed there before the OW whom he found attractive, and he mentioned one girl who is long gone. I guess I say all that to say--what you are feeling is totally normal and understandable, and you should always, always, always know who every single woman is at your FWH's workplace, and he should willingly provide that info.

[This message edited by tristesse at 7:44 AM, September 6th (Sunday)]


D-Day: 8/26/08
The whole, ugly truth: 12/2/08
Me: BW/46, Him: FWH/44
Kids: 3 boys: 19, 12, 9. 1 girl: 16
In R: MC, IC, AA for him, Al-Anon for me

Posts: 202 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Midwest
Sereneaspiration
♀ Member
Member # 25296
Default  Posted: 3:39 AM, September 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just over a week ago when my WH told me about his affair w/a coworker I said, "You need to quit your job and find work elsewhere", he unhesitatingly agreed and has a job interview this Friday.

He did make a NC agreement. He cannot avoid her all the time though because he's in a supervisor position.

I'm not saying this to be ugly but the girl is basically the workplace flirt who talks sex with just about any guy. She is not good looking by any stretch of the imagination but she is outgoing and confident which is something men find attractive. And, believe it or not, I'm not worried about she and my H having another affair...especially now that he's learned she was engaging in sex with others the same time as she was with him.

[This message edited by Sereneaspiration at 3:41 AM, September 7th (Monday)]


Me (BW)-42 yo,EWH - 42yo,DD - 14
DS - 18yo
Married 3/15/92
Ddays: 12/26/1995, October 2008 (EA and sexually explicit emails),4/10/2009 (ONS A), 8/31/2009 (5 year A w/coworker), 10/5/2009 WH broke NC
C Separation
Reconciliation

Posts: 263 | Registered: Aug 2009
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, September 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Serene, welcome to our thread. So sorry you have to be here, but we all get it.

I really hope your H is able to get another job. It will make things much easier.

Post as often as you need to until he does!


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
Katieisfree
♀ Member
Member # 22930
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have finally convinced my H that he has to leave his work or else our M will fail.

He is now seriously looking for employment and I give him until Xmas to do so or he leaves without another position.

I did this because I cannot cope with him being there. He swears he has NC but it is so hard to stop obsessing about it.

We had a big blow up about her and her involvment in a tatoo he got during their A. He says it had nothing to do with her. I threatened to out the A to his employer and he finally gave into my demands.

I will however believe it when it happens. I have made it a deal breaker.


DD 6/6/08
Sep 5/8/08
R 16/12/08

Posts: 485 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Australia
mommy0508
♀ Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H is still working with HC (sorry I mean OW, that is my little nickname for her) and is getting ready to shift bid and he keeps telling me like he did before that there is noway she can bid A team, well I guess we will see and if she does her shift needs to be changed not his.

Having serious anxiety talking about it!!!!!!!!!!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I decided I have to post the good along with the bad.

H told me that he has been leaving the office at least 5 minutes late every day so that he doesn't run into FOW on the way out. That is a good thing!

Yesterday, he waited the 5 minutes and is leaving down the hall and who walks out of the bathroom into the hall...FOW. He said he was looking down at his phone, did not look up, did not say anything, just walked out of the office.

HURRAY!! No good byes, no see you tomorrows, no nothing.

He said she had some work things she had wanted to discuss with him earlier in the day, but I think his body language told her that he wasn't going to discuss anything with her.

And to top it off, he told me about it without me asking. If only every day could be this way!!!!


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
Sereneaspiration
♀ Member
Member # 25296
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Fleury! His interview is tomorrow. He's told me each time he's come into contact with xOW at work--he's her supervisor so it's going to happen sometimes but not daily. However, when it comes to needing to find her to get her to a personnel meeting and things of that nature he asks one of his coworkers to ring her--just like he does for the guys who need to be found too.

[This message edited by Sereneaspiration at 9:32 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]


Me (BW)-42 yo,EWH - 42yo,DD - 14
DS - 18yo
Married 3/15/92
Ddays: 12/26/1995, October 2008 (EA and sexually explicit emails),4/10/2009 (ONS A), 8/31/2009 (5 year A w/coworker), 10/5/2009 WH broke NC
C Separation
Reconciliation

Posts: 263 | Registered: Aug 2009
Epiphany
♀ Member
Member # 25498
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading through some of the posts here and am amazed how well you guys are keeping it together while sending your WS off to be in proximity to the OP, and I'm inspired by some of your strength!!

I'm not there mentally, but I portray to my WH that I'm stronger than I really am...it kills me to know that she could potentially have contact with him daily.

I think through this group I can gain some insight and hopefully find my own strength!!


Posts: 87 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Texas
mommy0508
♀ Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Epiphany -

Hang in there. I think it helps a great deal when you WS is very truthful and communicates everything with you regarding their jobs.

I still think the best thing if possible is WS finding new job, but sometimes that is just not an option, especially with the economy.

Still have a lot of issues myself.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
Epiphany
♀ Member
Member # 25498
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, it'd be better if he told me what went on, but he doesn't. He says talking about means we're not moving past it because we keep talking about it. So I've been resigned to keeping my feelings inside, and not certain this is how I want to live the rest of my life. When we do talk it's in general terms and nothing specific - kind of like beating around the bush.

He's been at his job for 9 years and has made great progress as far as climbing the corporate ladder and with the economy there's nothing out there that'd would come close to his pay.

I've been praying that somehow the OW would be taken out of the picture - at least out of the work picture!


Posts: 87 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Texas
ilovemyhusband
♀ Member
Member # 24605
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

am amazed how well you guys are keeping it together while sending your WS off to be in proximity to the OP

I guess you missed any of my posts.

So I've been resigned to keeping my feelings inside, and not certain this is how I want to live the rest of my life

You have to let him know this.

(((Epiphany)))


me=FWS
him=BS

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: ottawa, canada
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry all,


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Epiphany
♀ Member
Member # 25498
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if he misses her or if it's a struggle for him to end contact with her? Anyone have any insight on the withdrawal of the WS from the OW - signs or how I can get him to talk about it.

I would think an EM or PA of several years would yield some type of withdrawal or sadness, but I don't really see any...which again pisses me off, b/c if the OW is that easily forgotten then why in the HELL would you risk losing your family over her? It's a double edged sword with me!


Posts: 87 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Texas
Epiphany
♀ Member
Member # 25498
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what is STBXH? everytime I see this I think "STank Bastard eX Husband" I'm sure that's not what it means though!!

Posts: 87 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Texas
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBXH + soon to be ex husband

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
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