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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How's it going shelby?

My H took off for a business trip this morning. I have got to admit that he has been very detailed on what he is going to be doing in the evenings (some work projects) and what he will be doing for meals (take out from the Olive Garden across the street from the hotel). I think he is trying to make up for his last mess up on his last business trip where he took our bottle of Stoli for the women on the trip to have an in-room party. (Thump on his head for being so insensitive to how I would feel about that.) Doesn't mean that I won't have someone call OW to see if she is still in town though!

I'm going to treat myself this week to a massage, manicure, pedicure and anything else I want - partially because he is gone and partially because I just got done with a huge work crunch.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
shelby7851
♀ Member
Member # 13911
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, last night was night #2 in his bachelor pad. And he has spent both of those nights at my house. I had to call him monday night at midnight because our son woke up so sick, and had croup, and I knew i would be very resentful having to stay up with him all night and no help. So i called him to give him that chance, and he came. I didnt ask him to come, just called to let him know, and he offered. Last night, by the time he got the kids in bed it was almost 9 and he was tired from being up with a sick kid the night before.

Funny though, while we were at swimming last night, he did dishes and took the trash to the road!

We have a MC appt tonight, so we will see how that goes. I wonder if he doesnt feel better just having a place, and knowing he would rather be here. I dont know.

So far, so good. I have my moments where I get a bit overwhelmed, I really dont want to be a single mom to 2, especially a sahm, i dont have the patience But, I feel like things are going well...if he was getting a place to have a fu**pad, then he sure is spending a lot of time here..


me(bs) 32F but i was a WS in 2001
him (ws)32M (they still work together)
DDay 10/14/06
A continued til 12/06
2nd Dday 3/09/07 ..got the full story.
status:4/15/07 He is getting an apartment to have some 'quiet time and think' home now. o

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: I
WaryHeart
♀ Member
Member # 1709
Concerned  Posted: 3:28 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a loooong time since I posted here. Like 3, 4 years or so. I quit because I felt my time on the board was interfering with reconciliation and/or divorce (at the time, I wasn't sure which way we were going!) but I feel I need to check in and share what's been going on.
Summary - WS has longtime co-worker, former unrequited love interest (over 15 years ago, before he and I met). She was in a lesbian relationship for years but apparently is not any longer. I don't really know??? Anyway, WS and OW are both federal civil servants and not going anywhere until retirement.
WS and OW probably have not had PA, but are extra special friends and sign off their emails with ILY and LYA.
WS feels I am childish for being upset by this.
There is much more, I just don't have the energy to get into it right now. He basically lies by omission about every contact with her. I feel like a chump for putting up with it so long, but part of me feels like just "get over it, they're only friends."
Is it normal for co-workers who are "just friends" to sign off with ILY? I said no, but he slammed me for "not having any friends, so how would you know" (NOT true!)

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2003
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Umm, no, that is *not* normal. I don't even write to my female friends "I love you" at the end of an email or note. I do with family. If I'm writing my parents, siblings, etc, I usually end the conversation or message with "I love you." But that's family. The most I might end a 'friendly' email with someone is "Love ya!" Certainly not with co-workers, let alone co-workers or friends of the opposite sex.
Red, red, swaying flags.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi WaryHeart - How does he sign off on emails to you? I think it is pretty weird that he signs off the way he does to a "friend". His "attack" to you about not having any friends is so typical of WSs.

I understand your "tiredness" with the whole issue. I get that way too. I don't think anything is still going on but I don't know - don't know if I am being a chump too. I suspect they are still "friends" (they had a 12 minute phone conversation the other day about something - could have been work but then his next call to someone wasn't until after lunch and this call was at 11:15 - so did they go to lunch - who knows - besides all the other coworkers that is).

I guess what I find bad about your situation is that if he knows it bothers you - his wife - then why does he continue it. Is it so important to him knowing that it hurts you? (Same question goes to my H too if they are indeed still "friends".)

Hugs WaryHeart!


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi ladies. long time. just needed a few days break from thinking and rehashing the A.

ITA w/Sharim, Waryhart.
His "how dare you" reaction is typical. I'm sorry that after all this time he still makes it your issue.
I'm just so tired of that attitude!

{Shelby}
I hope things cont. to go well. Sounds like your H may be having a difficult time letting go and moving to his place eh?
I'm glad for you and hope this opens his eyes as to what he will be leaving behind.


things are okay at home. just 11 more days until i have this baby.
I dunno why I feel like its the finish line and THEN I can start to get my normal life back...its only going to get harder for me.
I guess I'm just tired of these things:
1. being huge and uncomfy
and
2. WONDERING if my pregnancy is the reason my H has not initiated sex for months. Seriously. its been 3 months and i just wonder/worry...ESPECIALLY since he and ow just started working together again.
I know we will have to wait another 6wks or so to do it still, but I am just tired of wondering WHY he doesnt want to be w/me. When I ask, he says he does want it..but then he NEVER initiates or talks about it or asks even. Not even for a bj or any other non-intercourse stuff. And I'm dying for it..anything....probably more b/c of his lack of desire than my own desire.
Its turned into this huge issue in my head.

So, his office is up and running 100% now. OW is there even tho he doesnt want me to know.
Heck, he barely told me where the office is. Hasnt given me his work email address, even though I asked and has not given me his desk phone #, even though I went thru his wallet, found his new business card and have the number at my disposal if I ever wanted to call.
Why. why does he want me in the dark???
I ask him how things go there and all i get is a "fine". he NEVER mentions her or if he saw her and i guess i just dont ask b/c I dont want to start a fight or perhaps dont want to really know...and also i wonder if he'd tell me the truth anyhow. how will i ever know?
i so want to camp outside his building and watch so see if they go anywhere..but that sounds so stalkerish and stupid, not to mention a huge waste of my time. So, I never do and yet I wonder.

Maybe I have the baby blues...i'm just so depressed lately...

and the other day I texted him...he never replied. then I called his cell. Another non reply. After getting our D from daycare i drove all the way back out to where our offices are and drove by his usual bar/hangout. he wasnt there. I was about to drive out to OW's house..but she lives a long ways away and i was not in the mood. So I called his cell one more time and he finally answered.
He refused to answer WHAT he was doing and WHY he had not returned/answered my text before. He said oh, it had been a while..so I just figured...."
Figured what? No need to call my wife back? What if i was in labor or something eh??

I just got a really bad feeling...WHY did he not answer my calls? He has been very good at being open and honest and most always answers...but i dunno..that day and perhaps for a few prievous days, i just had this bad feeling/intuition.
Anyhow..he said he was on his way home...so i just went back too and he was there when we arrived.

So, that night I watched as he got into bed...looked at his underwear..to see which ones they were.

Well, today I looked at them and if they are the ones I think he was wearing..there is semen inside.

Does that mean he had sex? My H is very clean...he will usually go take a shower or wipe up before putting his undies on..but what if he was like, in his car or something and just pulled them up? Or what if it was just a blow job?
I'm so sick about it....oh and yes, I went thru the whole laundry bag and found one other pair of black undies that had semen spots on them too. Not a lot..but just enough. He usually never has anything in his shorts, if you get my drift.

Am I crazy? Did he have sex perhaps? Did he just masterbate and then left a trail? Did he go to a strip club that night?

My heart is sad and my gut tells me that he either was at a strip club which is why he didnt answer my calls or he was w/her.
Oh, and I should mention that he was tipsy when I got home that night. I could tell he had been drinking and he went to bed really early that night.
Stip clubs dont sell alcohol....but he could have been w/her or another woman, had drinks, gotten a bj, or had sex, then came home.

I'm so confused...i dont know what to think or believe anymore. Am I making this all up in my head...? I honestly dont think so.

[This message edited by stillhurting1 at 3:10 PM, April 19th (Thursday)]


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs stillhurting1 - He is being a total ass - like you said what if you had been in labor?

Time to not focus on him but on you and your new baby. Are you having a C-section or is it 11 days till your due date? Do you know if you are having a boy or a girl? Do you have family where you are to help after your baby is born?


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sharim.
Yeah that day he was being an ass. Which strikes me as odd b/c for the most part he's been pretty good..its just that day that he didnt call and was drunk. I hate this constant questioning.


you are also right that I need to focus on me. I think the extra hormones are getting to me as well.
I'm having a repeat c-sec on Mondy the 30th. Its a boy.
We have 1 daughter already age 2.5.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((SH1))

Your post just hurts my heart. How awful to be dealing with such things at a time that should be so happy for you.

You are in my prayers.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SH1 - That's my sister's birthday. I hope H gets his act together so you can enjoy your son's birth together but if not try to not let him spoil it for you (I know easier said than done). It is such a special time for you. Hopefully this will bring you back together but if not at least you will know what you are dealing with and that will give you the strength to make whatever decisions you need to make. Keep us posted on how you and your son are doing!

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
kolive
♀ Member
Member # 14264
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H's OW is his secretary. it really sucks.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Texas
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh god kolive. That must be a nightmare. Can he move her over to another department or find her a job elsewhere? That is awful. I am so sorry. I have a hard enough time with them passing in the halls and sitting together in a room with 15 other people for a meeting every few weeks. if I knew that they had daily, frequent contact, I would spend all day vomiting.
Stay strong. Please keep talking to us.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
kolive
♀ Member
Member # 14264
Suspicious  Posted: 1:40 AM, April 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure he could be he doesn't want to. She is supposed to be looking for another job. But I won't hold my breathe. They are the only 2 in the office, all other employees are drivers, so they are always out in the field. There office is in the trailer that he lives in out of town. How cozy? Right?

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Texas
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, April 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kolive

Has he officially gone NC with her? Is he being transparent with you at all? Have you laid out any consequences if he doesn't move the secretary to another person or hellp her to find a job at a new office?


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
kolive
♀ Member
Member # 14264
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, April 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, he wants a D. I filed in Jan 07. They do their thing and I'm trying to get through it. He is taking her out of town next weekend where we have gone every year. Some of his family live there, he has already introduced her to his sister and her husband. Also, next Friday is my B-Day and Saturday is the anniv of when we started dating. Happy F-ing B-Day to me right?

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Texas
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to our sad little group, Kolive. Sorry you have to be here but glad you found us. You'll get alot of support and it sounds like you need it.

Sorry your H is wanting a divorce. Have you started 180 on him?


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, April 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi kolive - hugs. Tell us a little bit about you.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
kolive
♀ Member
Member # 14264
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, April 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I got the "I'm not happy, I love you, BUT not in love with you speech in 09/07.
Weekend B4 H went out of town with secretary. I already suspected something wasn't right. Asked him if he was having a A, he said NO. He went to OK to visit family for Thansgiving, that weekend came clean about MOW (his secretary). He works out of town, so he was gone all week and came home on Friday night and left on Sunday night. MOW's H moved out after Xmas, so then my H only came home on Saturday to visit our 2 dogs. We have no children. He would call me every night. Still call me baby. Now he barely calls me once a week, comes home a few hours on Saturday and then goes back. He has already taken MOW to meet his sister, taking her to OK next weekend, where we ent every year to meet other family. Firday is my B-Day, Saturday is Anniv on when we started dated. Real bummer. He wants D, I filed 1/07, not moving too fast. He still calls me baby, still kisses me hello and good bye, still wants me to be a part of his life, still wants to remain friends. But thinks he is "in love with MOW". That's about it.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Texas
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, April 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry kolive. Big hugs

(((kolive))))

Hang in there. You'll get through this.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, April 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kolive - How long have you been married?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
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