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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
snowboardgirl
♀ New Member
Member # 23194
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't notice this thread when I posted a reply in the EA thread. My WH works with the OW. They used to work right next to each other, now they don't since the company moved to a new building. I'm convinced it is an EA at this point.

I know the OW and we have done activities together with her and her husband and other co-workers. The OW admitted to WH that she is having trouble in her marriage. Red flag! Now, WH and her text message a lot. I know they go to lunch a lot and have gone to dinners a few times. I called him out on the text thing a few times (when I saw the bill and the phone was constantly going off in the evenings). The texting isn't happening as often, but it is still happening. They IM each other in the evenings and at work. He says they are good friends and everything is professional.

Last week, we went out with his co-workers (OW was there). WH drank a lot. OW did not drink much and neither did I. WH kept going on how frustrated he was at work. I didn't know things were that frustrating at work. OW said he's frustrated and I shouldn't be too worried. Interesting how some things come out when you drink. This weekend, we are attending a St. Patrick's day celebration with his co-workers. OW will be there.

WH sometimes is distant and won't talk much. He still says he loves me, cuddles me and we are still intimate and we do things every weekend. There is a wall up at times between us, and it sucks.

I've had my own issues with being unemployed (I was laid off) and feeling sad at times. However, I've made some changes and am focusing on myself. It's a battle everyday, but I'm slowly getting by. I'm just keeping my eyes open...

[This message edited by snowboardgirl at 4:21 PM, March 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2009
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SBG -- Keep your eyes VERY WIDE-OPEN. This sounds way too familiar to me (except that I did not socialize with OW). The part about "having trouble in her marriage" --- that's exactly what OW told me she had said to WH and then, of course, WH admitted to her that he was "having trouble in his marriage" -- would have been nice for him to mention this to me but I guess he felt I had enough to do with working full-time, raising 3 kids and coordinating a 2000 sq ft additon on to our house. Oops - can you tell your post hit a raw nerve with me?

Just be careful --- good time for you and your husband to work on your relationship because this OW is danger!


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
snowboardgirl
♀ New Member
Member # 23194
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, I'm keeping my eyes open. WH was at a training thing an hour away from here, and was gone all day. He said he was going to be late. I asked how his day went and why things went so late...He said he met with a vendor for dinner after the training. OW lives on the way there, so I don't know.

The OW and I aren't close. WH says she likes me and says we are friends. I don't consider her a friend because I really don't know her. Since we've socialized as a group last week and will be this weekend, maybe I will feel a bit better about things.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2009
snowboardgirl
♀ New Member
Member # 23194
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to a St. Patrick's Day celebration with my WH and co-workers. OW was there *sigh*. She was flirty with every guy in the group there there. She usually talks to me, but wasn't so chatty with me this time around. Maybe she was disappointed that I showed up. hah.

On the way there, I mentioned to him that I think her telling him about her marriage problems was a red flag. He claims everyone knows. I proceed to tell him that I hope he talks to me first if we have problems. *silence*

I had a good time, but he was flirting with her too at times. I hated it. However, he flirted with me and was all over me. I guess he wants it both ways, eh? I even saw them texting while we were getting some food. Ugh.

We went home early because we were really tired. The text messaging happened again this evening. Ughhhhhhhhh.

[This message edited by snowboardgirl at 11:34 AM, March 15th (Sunday)]


Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2009
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to come off as bossy, but Snowboard girl, the texting HAS GOT TO STOP. This is not acceptable behavior.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
LiveYourLife
♀ New Member
Member # 23283
Target  Posted: 10:23 AM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been approximately 2 months since my H and I officially got back together. We separated (twice) within the last 8 months since we've been married. His AP is his boss. The three of us all work for the same company, in the same building, but they work in a different department than me. We are only separated by a few floors. I have met his AP/boss before the A. She was even at our wedding and reception.

I also dread Mondays. The weekends can be great, then Sunday night rolls around and I'll find myself sliding back down. He has been wanting to find a new job in a different field that he's been wanting to work in, but financially we both know it wouldn't make sense right now since he would have to take a paycut, as well as how the current economy is. We're about to close escrow too, so we definitely need the steady income right now.

He does what he can to reassure me that he's not giving up on us (again) and that he has faith in us. But while I'm at work, my mind just gets the best of me sometimes and I'm constantly thinking...what are they doing, what are they talking about, etc. So he'll have done nothing and I'll still get in a funky mood. And I'll just pray for Friday to come faster. I'm hoping for that day where I can come to work and not feel this way again. I know it will, too :)

Gotta stay positive!

[This message edited by LiveYourLife at 10:24 AM, March 18th (Wednesday)]


Me: 26 BS
Him: 27 WS
OW: 38, married, 4 children
Together for 6 years, married for 1 year.
01/12/09: We're in the process of R-ing. We're gettin' there! I have faith. WE have faith!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2009
liarswife
♀ New Member
Member # 23347
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, March 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new here but this is my spot! why would they do it? 27 years I have been married to his man. I just sit a cry.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2009
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry Liarswife. ((Liarswife)). Monday morning roll call... For those of us who have more reason that most to hate Mondays.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it is Monday. WH and I had a "discussion" at the end of last week and it came out how much I hate Mondays. At first he didn't know why -- um duuuuuuhhhhhhh -- oh yeah I am just suppose to deal with it.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
he lied to me
♀ Member
Member # 21074
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are tuesdays better?

Need advice from WH working with AP

My WH is still in regular contact with AP on professional level. He's been very good with recovery efforts after a bumpy start.
Recently, AP texted 'miss you'. He did tell me without being prompted- big step!

He volunteered to reiterate NC. But when he had the 'let's keep that door closed' conversation, he let her stick a foot in to prop it open, arranging meeting that would mean just the two of them alone. He now says that he can be firm with her. How can I believe that when he clearly wasn't able to be firm about closing that door?

I feel like a nothing all over again. Why was it more important to avoid conflict with her or to preserve her dignity over my feelings or his promise to stick to business?

After 7 months of dealing with all of this, I'm just tired of it all. I realise that it is difficult for him to strike the right balance between NC and working relationship, but I feel like I walk that tightrope too...

How do other WS deal with this?


Me: BS, 42
Him: WS, 42
d 14, s 12
married 1989
dd 1 august 12 2008
dd 2 august 22 2008

Posts: 75 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: uk
want-it-2-b-ok
♀ Member
Member # 23323
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out 2 weeks ago that the woman who calle me and threatened my life was his co-worker ( a police woman!!).. He , bless him, has decided to move areas so they won't be together..

I love him for that cos he loves what he does.. And it shows that he wamts to be away from her????

However, he is sending me mixed messages about whether WE will survive this (a whole diffrent post)..

Has he done a positive thing for US? Should I cling to the fact that he is leaving there?


"I'm darned if FWH messed up that bad- worked so hard to fix himself-becomes such a good person and I then cut him loose so the next woman enjoys what my heartbreak created out of him" NewAttitude. BS: me FWH: him.Dday 02/10.In R

Posts: 676 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Cloud cuckoo land???
liarswife
♀ New Member
Member # 23347
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he lied to me

you sound just like my life. i just let it all out this weekend. i had enough of her. let her husband know which really caused a big stink but you know what, if my family suffers i think hers should too!


Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2009
lifesabeach
♀ Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to be so emotional on Mondays and especially when we returned from a vacation. reading this post I realized I am okay with them. There is hope. I still hate that they work together and I will never be okay with them working together but I accept it.


R'd

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
lifesabeach
♀ Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

liarswife
are you okay ?


R'd

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
islandgrl
♀ Member
Member # 22010
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeh- I thought I was ok with the work for hmm maybe 2 months now - but recently the texting and phonecalls have increased & his explanation was a bit wishy-washy. It was kind of funny when he said she hadnt worked for 3 days, but then in the next breath (when I asked why all the txts on Sat.) oh- it was about work- when she'd be in etc. - "Yeh but you said she hadnt been at work a second ago!"
Anyway- my problem with the work just hit the fan when I found out he had lent her money to pay the dentist for her recent problems (ha ha karma bus!- she was in sooo much pain!) - I found out when he had to cash a cheque for her - which the boss supposedly made out to him so he could cash it & she could pay him back.
grr. this sucks. But I did finally get to let him know again that it bothers me & suggest that she goes elsewhere.....


Me: BS (47)Him: WS (47) Together: 28 years Kids: 3 boys
suspected Aug 08, C Day: Dec.6,2008 OW - skanky co-worker "just friends"
Broken NC: many times(last attempt Aug 7,2010-no reply from OW)
getting there....

Posts: 286 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Canada
newnormal
♀ Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the short post, but have you guys read Not Just Friends yet?

Snow Board and He Lied: big red flags. Better to get the walls and windows reversed now, than have a fill blown PA later.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Dec 2008
he lied to me
♀ Member
Member # 21074
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

life's a beach

I see that you're about two years into this mire. Does your WS still work with AP? Did the AP ever try to resume things with your WS?

My WS does seem genuinely ashamed and remorseful, but took easy option of agreeing to meeting rather than being firm. He has a plan B for sending the message that he only wants to communicate on a professional level. But I don't know if this will stop her trying. I'm not entirely sure he wants her to...

He has been open and honest with me about her inappropriate text. I appreciate that and know it would be far easier if he just 'forgot' to mention any of it. I know he has no control over whether she 'misses him'. But I don't like it. I just wish I knew how to handle this...

Any ideas?


Me: BS, 42
Him: WS, 42
d 14, s 12
married 1989
dd 1 august 12 2008
dd 2 august 22 2008

Posts: 75 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: uk
he lied to me
♀ Member
Member # 21074
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

new normal

Both WS and I have read Not Just Friends. It helped, and he found it to be a real eye opener.

The trouble is that it doesn't have much practical advice on dealing with AP if you still work together and AP wants to break NC...


Me: BS, 42
Him: WS, 42
d 14, s 12
married 1989
dd 1 august 12 2008
dd 2 august 22 2008

Posts: 75 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: uk
Star727
♀ Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Luckily for me, my WH and the OW work in separate departments and buildings. I see him and have to deal with him, she has no reason to be there. That only started 2 years ago when she left my department. The few years before that, heaven only knows what they were doing behind my back.

When we were all in the same building, thats when the office rumors got started (about 15 years ago). I confronted him, he denied it and I literally hadnt thought anymore about it until July 2008 when my stomach got goosebumps inside and I then felt something was wrong and checked the detailed cell phone bill and it was right there - an affair.

He claims "just friends" only talk. I think fuck friends at her house (she's single and lives alone).

He chose to not be alone because I'm currently stuck with him. He doesnt want a divorce and is NC with her. I think it was a mutual decision between them for NC because I viciously confronted her at work, embarrased the hell out of her and made her cry. She does not want to be the office gossip so she will not speak to WH anymore. His stupid ass kept calling her with her not returning his calls up until January 2009 when I got in his ass about breaking NC and wanting a divorce.

Now he got rid of the secret cell phone, hasnt left the house since the 2nd D-Day and does all the husbandly things around the house.

He's doing all that so I won't put him out like I really want to do. One of these days, freedom for me will be around the corner!!!


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
liarswife
♀ New Member
Member # 23347
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i feel so at home here.. i hate to see so many hurting but it is nice not to be alone ..

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2009
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