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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jcar, I guess, since it will not be a private meeting, and there are going to be other people, I would relax a little myself. My sitiation is very similar to yours. I would just ask WH to not to make any eye contact with her & report all and any attempts on her part to communicate with him during & after the meeting. My FWH has had to endure a couple meetings with the slut, but he says he ignores her completely. And most everyone else at the company knows about her A with my FWH and two others there, so depending on which one of them is involved in a meeting, some of the others will run interference to keep her away from her victims

[This message edited by Obliterated9584 at 3:22 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
jcar
♀ Member
Member # 19712
Frustrated  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Obliterated. I hadn't thought about eye contact...that would be a good thing for him to avoid I'm sure.

I don't know if there is anyone else at work that knows about the A. They didn't work together, but when my H smoked (which he quit!!! ) they were in the same little group of smokers. I figured that there would have been some noticeable behavior that would make others at least suspect something.

Anyway, now it looks like the briefing will be put off for a couple of weeks. Hopefully I will relax more in that time.


Bw 57
WS 57
OW 20 years younger
6 month PA
Married: 4 years
In R from the start...

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Maryland
reallylost
♀ Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my h works in the same small building but not in the same space with mow...he swears their contact is work related only and he actually works in the field alot..he never told her that I found their emails or that it was a mistake and he loves his wife..he says he just quit emailing and calling her...that's not enough..is it?
should I be happy with that? he actually gets irritated when he calls me from the office and I seem a little shaky..I try to hide it...really!! He can't understand why I feel that way...is he crazy..I am not trying to make him feel guilty...he should anyway. I really am starting to feel like I should make him own up and tell here..he says that he was the persuer and that it had just started so when they quit emailing and calling it was not a big deal...hell, he got her a Christmas gift!! Made a big deal about what to get her in the emails..I am rambling..trying not to vent..trying to figure this out..what would you do?


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
SA0731
♀ Member
Member # 11874
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long time lurker here... Mine works very closely with a person he used to live with, but that has been over for a long time. He also works very closely with one I've been told he had a PA with (not from him) and another that has been at least an EA. I found emails and pictures and called all 3 of them out, by an email so they knew he was playing them both.

I don't know what is going on now and him leaving the job is not an option. Who knows what will happen in the future with us, I know it will all come to a head one of these days.


No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

ME: BS
HIM: WH
Married 4 years
4 teens


Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: under the rug
jcar
♀ Member
Member # 19712
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would ask him to write her a letter stating that he wants to be sure she understands that he will no longer be contacting her and requesting that she no longer contact him. Also that he recognized that what he did was wrong, that he loves _____ (your name there) and is committed to the marriage.

No apology, no regrets, no mention of her name.

You shouldn't have to try to hide if you feel "shaky". H should understand that his actions/behavior destroyed trust and his support and understanding of your fears is necessary in restoring trust.

Best of luck to you.


Bw 57
WS 57
OW 20 years younger
6 month PA
Married: 4 years
In R from the start...

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Maryland
jcar
♀ Member
Member # 19712
Frustrated  Posted: 12:25 PM, June 6th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say that the briefing did take place today. H called and PIN messaged before and after. There was no eye contact (thanks Obliterated) and the only conversation was work related. She made no effort to see him alone. I am sure by now that she has moved on too, but knowing the past and not knowing her make it hard to not worry.

As for him, he felt mostly indifferent toward her, but he also admitted to thinking "yuck!" when he saw her.

Thanks for the support.


Bw 57
WS 57
OW 20 years younger
6 month PA
Married: 4 years
In R from the start...

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Maryland
Clangirl
♀ Member
Member # 19433
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the club for me too. Am really struggling with the fact that WS is still in a small office environment with OW. HE`s not struggling with it of course! He stayed out drinking all night last week with his office buddies-yes, her included-and wonders why I have a problem with that!

The good part is that her husband told me about their cheating in the first place so I paid a surprise visit to the office and had the pleasure of confronting them both!Quietly though! Her husband did too!

That shocked them both. My WS was sick from the stress of all that-particularly from worry about what OW`s husband could do to him.

So I really don`think they`ll be getting together any time soon...

Clancarthy


Posts: 66 | Registered: May 2008
strugglingmomi4
♀ Member
Member # 18015
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH and I are in R. I am having a hard time dealing with my WH continuing to work with the OW. The weekends are always great, we laugh, love and enjoy eachothers company, but as soon as he steps foot back at work, I am upset. I continue to wonder if there is still contact. He reassures me there is no contact between them. In the small town that we live in there is not much (job availability) if any that offers near the pay. Just looking for some insight on how others deal.


...Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do... But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength...


Posts: 277 | Registered: Jan 2008
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strugglingmom, I can relate to you very much. The weekends are great. But come Monday, its like I have no choice but to trigger. I however, and pretty confident that there is no contact or ever will be again, its just so degrading that he still works with her & everyone at their company knows about the A with my h, and the other two there she has banged... Job search is hard in large city too, sorry that probably does not make you feel better. I with ya!


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
jcar
♀ Member
Member # 19712
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strugglingmom, Can you go to his place of work? If so, make plans to meet him for lunch once a week. Ask your H to let you know whenever he sees her and if there is any contact to let you know right away and all of the conversation. Also, keeping in touch throughout the day has been very helpful for us; we call or send each other emails/pin messages on our blackberries.

Best of luck to you. It does get easier.


Bw 57
WS 57
OW 20 years younger
6 month PA
Married: 4 years
In R from the start...

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Maryland
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is such a hard thing. I feel for all of you whose husband's cannot change jobs. The ow in our case transferred to another floor about a year and a half ago, thankfully. H swears he has not seen her even in passing since dday in October. It still sucks, knowing at they could run in to each other at any time. I also work at the same hospital and have no idea if I walked by her or not, except I look at a Lot of name badges. The LTA part of it is had for me as well. I'm sure they had meeting places and routine things they would do when they got off work. I worry she will just show up again as she said she was in love with him.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Lost, I feel for you as well. Four years! I dont know if I would have the strenth to deal with that. My FWH's 4 month A has just about killed me, and having to deal with it day in & day out as they continue to work with each other is like a Chinese water torture. My hat is off to you.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
justfriends
♀ Member
Member # 17867
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe 4 is the magic number. 4 months is how long my H's affair with his whore was also. It really sucks that they work in such a small office. My only savior is that his boss knows (my best friend's H), and would be able to spot any inappropriate behavior......this time


D-day Jan 2008
me BS (now 42)
him WS with no communication skills or heart
4 month PA
WH left 3/10/12 after 4 years of R and 18 years of M



Posts: 426 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ca
Autumn46
♀ Member
Member # 17479
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to remind other forum participants about this thread should they find themselves in similar situations.

My H cheated in 2001, then took up again with the same slut in 2007.

To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I am a changed person now, not so willing to be understanding and forgiving.

I found myself thinking more than once, what'd I do to deserve this nitwit, a guy who is self-abusing by choosing this old crusty woman to cheat around with...ewwww. Yuk. Blech. Puke. She's an admitted whore who has had dozens of affairs at work and outside of work, with all ethnic backgrounds and economic levels. She brags openly about screwing men with no protection, men she picks up in bars, etc, while her husband sits at home waiting on her.

What's wrong with my husband that he finds something like that appealing? Ewww. Yuk. Blech.


Posts: 53 | Registered: Dec 2007
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I got brave -- I have been having to deal with WH working with OW for almost 4 1/2 years (3 1/2 since d-day). It has not been great as I know all of you are well aware. R has been on WH's terms (we have 3 kids and at the time I felt I had to try to R). We have not said one word about OW for years now. Except for the fact that he works with her everyday, you would think that she does not exist (not that I don't obsess about it all the time).

Anyways due to budget cutbacks her last staff member no longer has a job as of July 1. Since we don't talk about OW I have no idea if her job was cut too (she has no staff and her job was to supervise that staff so you would think she would not have a job but we're talking a govt job here -- your taxpayer dollars hard at work!)

WH made a comment the other day about a monthly meeting that was suppose to start next month to meet with her supervisor to review work stuff (essentially what OW's staff was suppose to be doing) -- so if WH is now suppose to meet with OW's supervisor it further makes sense to me that OW should be out of a job but I don't know. I got brave and just emailed WH to ask if she still had her job as of July 1. He probably won't respond and I will have to sleuth it out but after all this time I think I am ready to pack my bags (or his) if she isn't out of there (and maybe even if she is).

Please keep your fingers crossed --- oh sh*t -- WH just responded -- OW still has a job. I just emailed WH back and just said "We need to talk then." My heart is racing but I just can't live like this anymore.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Autumn46
♀ Member
Member # 17479
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sharim, keep us updated.

Good luck! I totally feel your pain.


Posts: 53 | Registered: Dec 2007
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sharim, I dont know how you have been able to do it for 4 1/2 years. It's not even 2 years for me & I dont know how much more I can take. I think the only way I have been able to take it this long is because I have truly lost my sanity. Once again, someone from FWH's work, who pretended to be our friend has betrayed us. Him and his wife, who both know what this is like, as he cheated on his wife with another tramp from the same company have done something that they know would offend us & as childish as it sounds, pick the OW over us. Yet again, I have been rejected for her. When will this nightmare end! My FWH tells me not to let it upset me, but I cant help it. He tells me to worry about what I have control over, me and him. Who is he fucking kidding? I dont have any control over that either. I cant control anything & feel like I am losing everything. I lost my fairytale, I lost my ability to trust, to forgive, I feel like I have lost all my friends, or at least the people I thought were my friends. Actually, I lost the belief that friends exist. What a fucking joke that is!


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well he is such a piece of work! WH was like "Talk about what?" Like I said it's almost like she doesn't exist but the problem is SHE DOES! And I know he knows what I was talking about. I know if I said anything about OW I would be accused of living in the past. Which I agree I am to some extent but because she is still a part of his daily life it never is the past. Plus we never have dealt with the issues - he complains about communication but then only wants to talk about the things he wants to talk about. (This has caused other problems too -- not just this A.) He has never said he was sorry or shown remorse. We are just suppose to move on like it never happened. I can't do it. Sorry for the vent. I'm just done.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
cani4give
♂ Member
Member # 19601
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWW works with OMM. She is looking for a new job but it kills me to know that he sees her and "knows her in that way".

Today really sucked for me because it was OMM's birthday. They only had sex during their lunch hour and so at noon today I triggered bigtime. I called her cell, asking where she was, what she was doing, etc. I felt sick to my stomach. She has been remorseful and I am 98% sure that she has zero interest in the A, but I really was a mess today.

Ugh.


BH: Me
FWW: Her
2 amazing children

Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2008
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isnt it just amazing how many of them have the affair on their lunch break? Quickie, sleezy sex in a vehicle in a puplic park... And the OW thought she was in love!...after 4 months What girl wouldnt't be! WHACK JOB!


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
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