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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is like a ghost thread... not much traffic here. I lurk everyday to see if anyone is posting here... So I will, and if there is anyone else who lurks..."hi"
Yesterday WH told one of the superiors at their workplace that he was actively looking for a new job because OW was still there. This person knows about the whole situation & sometime back, WH told this person that he could not work there indefinetly if she stayed. This person told him to give it a little time, that he thought she would leave soon because as he put it "nothing in her life is very permanent" and he told WH to let him know when he reached his breaking point... Well she's still there , so WH told him, he's to that point. Not sure what will happen... best scenerio, they find a way to get rid of her... worse scenerio, they let my H go before he gets a new job...


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'll tell my 'good' news here. FWH still works with ow3, and every time I've started to relax (because he assured me he rarely or never sees her, because he assured me they're now on opposite shifts, whatever), I find out that they cross paths a little more than he let onto... or that she's now working his shift several times a month to get overtime pay... or whatever.

The 'good' news in this is that I now know her opinion of him is, to quote, "Ick." (Yeah, we're dealing with one of the bright lights of literacy. )

He'd told me two years ago that things were awkward between them, but I never knew if that was strictly true at the time, or if it remained true. I'm glad to know it is from her end at least.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
reallylost
♀ Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lurk too...I have been on here and emotional affairs thread and it's been very quiet. My H is working out of the office most of the time now...quality control testing for construction sites..I think he is making effort to limit their exposure to each other...I still can't breathe on days when I don't know if he will be in the office or out. When he is in he calls me alot so I can try to keep it together...I still want to say something to her...not that she is an more to blame but, the thought that she thinks she can get away with this and maybe start it up again anytime. When I would call his office for him she would talk my leg off and be overly sweet. I will get my day soon. My H will not like it, but he will get over it ...I'm afraid I never will.


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

reallylost... she does not know you know? If that really is the case, BLOW HER OUT OF THE WATER. I would get a windburn making sure she knew, and if she is married, I'd call her H first, so she does not have a chance to get to him first & gaslight him into thinking your some crazy woman. OMG!


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
lifesabeach
♀ Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a question for BS and WS. My H still works for same company. Very little time spent in the same area as OP. They are suppost to be NC so she calls my cell phone requesting my H leave her some paperwork. Her voice was very natural not the phony voice I've heard many times before. How would you feel about this? I can't decide. FWH says he didn't want to listen to the message that I had told him what he needed to know. I have many mixed emotions about this? Just looking for some other views.


R'd

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She calls you instead of making contact with him??

I would be ok with that.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
So painful
♀ Member
Member # 18167
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm guilty of lurking as well.

FWH works with OW and will continue to, at least for the time being. He assures me that contact now is professional only but I know they were "friendly" for years before the A started six months ago. Talk about being pushed into the deep-end of the Trust pool! Every day I can only hope that he's behaving like a big boy and minding his P's & Q's like he says he is.

This is affecting MY job also. I get so distracted sometimes knowing they are working under the same roof across town and there is nothing I do about it. My work is slipping but I just can't seem to get a grip on myself and set it aside until I leave the office. There have been days when I literally spent the entire day on SI.


Me: BS - 57
Him: WH - 59
Status: Uncertain

Posts: 799 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Midwest
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lurk, too, because sometimes when I vent I feel bad as my H's A was short lived ( a couple of months EA, and only three weeks or so PA). He's still working with the OW too. But he really gets annoyed with her, so I'm feeling less and less worried. Plus she's been out all week this week (wisdom teeth - heh, she needs all the wisdom she can get) so nothing's going on. And he's been upfront about any interaction they have (very small office - only six people and she's the only female). I do check in to see how many of you are doing and offer my support when I can. This place was just what I needed when I needed someone to understand how I was feeling.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH hardly ever see's her while at work, their positions dont require any direct contact. But it's just the principle of it all. WH and I got into it this weekend about just this issue. It's not that he does not get it, but people at his work dont get it (they all know about the A) and they think that since they dont see each other at work that I should just be ok with it. WH has a hard time verbalizing this to his superiors & peers at work, and I dont know how to help him verbalize it. Its just continued disrespect to me and our marriage every day he goes to work there with her there. It does not matter that he hates her guts now, or that we are pretty sure she hates his. It's so degrading to me.

[This message edited by Obliterated9584 at 10:40 AM, April 28th (Monday)]


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
CaseyInWPBFL
♂ Member
Member # 19117
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone--

Great to post here where people "get it"--why it's so painful to know she's going to work everyday and might see him. I've been very clear that I want her to find other work, but she keeps finding excuses not to, with the help of our MC. BTW, she is maintaining NC with him, but he still says hi in the hallways, still has to be in meetings with her, still is around.

So, these are the excuses the MC has provided:

"Her identity is tied up in her job."

"Things are tough right now in the job market."

"Her social anxiety disorder makes it hard for her to move jobs."

"She believes in her work."

"She loves her 'other' co-workers."

"Being told what do do by me makes her feel like I'm her emotionally abusive father all over again."

Meanwhile, MC's to me is to be patient while FWW sorts out her feelings and comes to some sort of accommodation.

So, stuck in this situation the only sane thing to do was to uncover EVERYTHING and provide his wife with the details. I did that last week. Still waiting to see if anything happens as a result. :-)

C



Me: BS 50
Her: WS 51
Date of Discovery: Feb 1st, 2008
Married 20 years.
15 month affair between her and co-worker.
One teenage daughter.
Status: Working on recovery

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: West Palm Beach, FL
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Casey... good for you for exposing it. Hopefully that will aid in some of the "excuses" that have been given for her not to change jobs now. WH has been looking for a new job, hell I have even applied for a couple for him meself online, and the job market does suck right now, but we will keep at it.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
reallylost
♀ Member
Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have lurked all day here and on other threads...not finding much to comfort me today. I stay here alot some days ...I'm not sure how I have kept my job!
My husband hates to hear that i have bad days, especially when I know that they may have contact with work. How could I not? Of course, I'm preaching to the choir. Somebody hug me!!


Me: 47
WS: 38
D-Day:12-26-07
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Reallylost))))

What can I say that you dont already know... Hugs hugs and more hugs.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
steelcity1
♂ Member
Member # 17437
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EX WW is still active in her affair with her loser boss. Unreal!

I don't know her anymore, truly.

Her boss has had relationships (all known to EX WW) with two other women at their office; both were fired after they broke up with him. Yet, EX is going full steam ahead.

Here's the good news: I AM MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE! SHE CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS; I SURE AM!

My best to all. This whole workplace romance thing is enough to truly make me puke.

The past seven months have been the worst of my life, however, good people have come forward to me in friendship and for that, I am most grateful!


DDay: 09/30/2007
Me: BH: 43
WW: 46
One child: age 10

Divorced: March 18, 2008.

I recommend all BS get a "Livestrong" bracelet and wear it; its helped me tremendously!


Posts: 299 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: South Florida
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unlurking... I could be a member of several forums. This is my 1st post here.
My FWH works with the FOW and also travels for business. The OW is now seasonal help. She worked for him at the company for many yrs but was laid off when the company downsized & my H was transferred to head office in another city in 1999. She works days at a customer of H's (which he helped her get the job) and seasonal evg's at H's location.
The EA started via MSN gaming and chat about a year before we moved back to our current city. He still traveled and worked at the original location several times a year. He was in contact with her in person at these times and online almost daily in between. I thought he was just releasing stress by playing crib online as he didn't like the new job/city situation.
Meanwhile I made friends, had a part-time job I liked and tried to "bloom where I was planted" since we expected to be there until retirement. Stupid me! Eventually in 2004 the CEO agreed for us to move back here. I wasn't thrilled but supported my H as I feared for his health. So I prepared to sell/packed up/ bought another house/unpacked and tried to make things easy for him. The EA continued (he denies any PA) until I found chat logs while cleaning up HD on our home PC, just as he was leaving for a week to head office (Feb/07).

Enforcing boundaries of the R and NC is not easy. It's an ongoing struggle. There were a few broken NCs (emails) in the first few months... he gave me the 'just friends' excuse & later opened a secret email account "to see if he could" - claimed to be PC illiterate but she was his only contact. This set me back to Dday - lots of anguish and discussion. Then NC for several months. He had his admin. clerk contact OW about coming to work when needed and he avoids the area of the bldg where he works. He now comes home for dinner when she starts work and goes back to work later, staying extra time to get his job done.
This has helped a lot. But a problem for me is that he doesn't realize the need to keep me aware of when she's there or when she's finished her job so I'm not on edge unnecessarily. I think I've got through to him on that now.
He calls me from work and also comes home for lunch most days which gives us more time to communicate. He calls more often when he's out of town.

His job/industry is unique and he has been doing this since university at the same company although it has changed hands and names a few times since '72.
I'd love to drive the OW out! Her job is specific and nobody else does it. He can't justify letting her go without admitting the affair. Getting someone to replace her would cause more trouble and disruption so I just try to take a day at a time. Trusting is hard. He thinks I should believe that he won't let anything happen again because 'he says so'. I have to recount to him the events and reasons that I have to doubt him now. He was so good at compartmentalizing that I can't be naive and relax yet. He recently had a 'light bulb moment' about this and is now working harder at gaining my trust.

We are a work in progress.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
justfriends
♀ Member
Member # 17867
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'm glad to see there has been some activity on here this week

Haven't posted here for a while, as it's usually a ghost town. My story is very similiar to RedVixen....very small office,and she is one of two females.

I'm going to throw a question/poll out there: How many of your spouses had sex at their work place? It's the only place they ever did, and it grosses me out to have him there every day

[This message edited by justfriends at 4:07 PM, April 28th (Monday)]


D-day Jan 2008
me BS (now 42)
him WS with no communication skills or heart
4 month PA
WH left 3/10/12 after 4 years of R and 18 years of M



Posts: 426 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ca
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustFriends....They only had sex at the office once - the day the physical side started. (But then again, we've had sex there, too! ) Otherwise they've been to his father's house (when Dad was in a nursing home, but Dad is now in an assisted living place, so we don't need to go there much anymore), and a local park known to be a makeout place. I trigger every time I drive past it.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH says they never did it at work...but I still dont know if I believe that. Supposidely, the only place they ever did it was in the back seat of her truck, in a parking lot in a public park...on their lunch break. How fucking romantic. Four months of that & she thought she was in love. What a psycho. We have since had sex at his work, it has helped me "reclaim" that place some, but then it got me thinking. If we could have it there, what stopped them from having it there?


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
CaseyInWPBFL
♂ Member
Member # 19117
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yikes. Sex *at* work, and you can live with them going there and seeing them? Whew! You are braver than I am.

I still have problems with knowing that her work was where the affair was begun and nurtured, and that she still is "getting over" her feelings about him. She supposedly finally sees that he seduced her and was merely interested in getting into her pants. Of course, she went along with that and kept it up (no pun intended..lol) for over a year, so she played her part too, but knowing she's there and around him, if only occasionally, makes it harder for both of us to let go.


Me: BS 50
Her: WS 51
Date of Discovery: Feb 1st, 2008
Married 20 years.
15 month affair between her and co-worker.
One teenage daughter.
Status: Working on recovery

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: West Palm Beach, FL
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Angry  Posted: 11:09 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW still works for the OM. He is her direct supervisor. She gives similar excuses for not getting a new job. I don't think I will be able to stay married for long time if they still work together!


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
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