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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay - WH is the owner of a small business. I firmly believe the OW is his assistant. He swears it is someone else - yet he has said and done nothing to let me know "who" it is. I say the bitch goes - That he has a choice me and his family or her. Any thoughts??

Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I most definitely think he has to disclose who it is. If it is her, then yes, she needs to go.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my husband had his affair, he confessed to me, but he told me it was a woman he'd met while visiting his dad at the rehab/nursing home. It took three more days for him to come clean that it was the receptionist at the office he works at. For your marriage to work, he needs to reveal exactly who the OW is, no ifs, ands, or buts.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
justfriends
♀ Member
Member # 17867
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've realized that I most likely will not recover from this if they continue to work together. I can't do it. I'm very pissed at him because there is no way in hell he is going to make anything NEAR what he makes now if he leaves. We have two kids, and I work part-time. WTF am I supposed to do???!!!! I hate him for putting us in this position.


D-day Jan 2008
me BS (now 42)
him WS with no communication skills or heart
4 month PA
WH left 3/10/12 after 4 years of R and 18 years of M



Posts: 426 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ca
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

justfriends, that just sucks. It sucks to be in such a tight position. It suck that he put you there. I wish I could offer more than condolences, so I'll just send you (((((((hugs))))).


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay - WH still claims it is not his assistant - He even went so far as to tell me that his assistant "REALLY IS A NICE PERSON"

And so far - she is still working there. The last time she answered the phone - I just hung up. I didn't feel like talking to her.

For the record - I am a stay at home Mom - so if I walk away from this I will give up everything. I am completely trapped!

[This message edited by brokendreamz at 12:33 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken -- Then if it isn't his assistant he needs to tell you who it is. Basically he is putting her (whoever she is) before you. If he wants to reconcile then he has to come forward.

As far as being trapped, I understand how you feel but if you live in a community property state then it is possible that 1/2 of everything is yours. Yes, your standard of living may go down but it may be better then living in this torture. We all have what we can tolerate or not tolerate. It is different for everybody.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
sadhusband
♂ New Member
Member # 18516
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken,
It is time to start an investigation. Either yourself or hire someone if you are too upset to plan a strategy. You said that your husband owns his biz? Then you can get in and place computer trackers, digital microphones that are voice activated, or even a hidden camera. I would call 3 different private investigators and chose the one that you like the best. It sounds like your H controls the money but you need to find out and protect your interest. If you live in Michigan then adultery is not only grouds for divorce but it is a feloney!

Good lick in finding out everything that you need to.

Sadhusband


Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Michigan
lonelynlost
♂ Member
Member # 18616
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I've split with the WS, my wife because she can't stop the affair.

It's been going on since August and I found out about it in October. She tried breaking it off, however, she in her head made me out to be a villian that she can't take being with me. She would dread coming home on Friday nights and returned to see the OM, than come home after she had her "cake," if you know what I mean.

I got pretty good at tracking her whereabouts when she wasn't with me, however she reconnected with him in January every Friday afternoon by leaving work early. She than started saying she couldn't stay with me and needed her autonomy.

Well, we've split and now she's in relationship with him. She's worried about disclosure and says she's going to be very discreet because he is a work mate.

She worked very closely with him on a deal and it started with an emotional affair that went too far. Now she's in the fog, and f'ging this good Christian guy.

She seemed happiest during the weekdays when she got to see her boyfriend and really dreaded our relationship and our weekends together. She wouldn't even participate in fun things with me. At the end it was awful because she was just outright being selfish and taking care of "her" needs.

I've been thinking of outing her at work with her boss as I have a way to get her email address.

Wounded in so. Jersey.

Bob


Me-BS 56 XWW-53

DD-10/25/2007
Separated 3/8/2008
D Final 8/31/2009


Posts: 517 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: South Jersey
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ouch, Bob. I'm sorry you're here, but this is a great place for support, no matter what happens in the future. I'm sorry I don't have more words of wisdom tonight - I'm a bit tired and not at my sharpest. I know how much it hurts when your spouse steps out of your marriage with a coworker. Sounds like your wife is deep in the fog and still in her fantasy phase. Sooner or later reality will set in. They always think it's rosier on the other side.

P.S. Jersey girl here, too.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
lonelynlost
♂ Member
Member # 18616
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RedVixen:

Thanks for your support.

My WW started this off with an EA, which I believe took place leading up to her saying, I want out of the marriage.

It than progressed into a PA although she says it's not about that. Of course it is because she only had relations after me finding out about the A during the holidays then she stopped completely. It killed her to have sex with me because she felt like she was cheating on the OM. Can you believe this bullshit.

She is in a deep, deep fog, so over the barrel it isn't funny. She says he's brought forth feelings in her that have been dormant for years. He understands me.

Our MC and I call it an addiction and a fantasy. She doesn't see it that way as the stories in the books don't align in her mind with her A.

I'm diclosing every chance I get and have been considering out her and him at work. I have her bosses email and some colleagues that would really sting them.

I also have information relative to the OMXW who he divorced because of her affair. You think he would have learned.

All I can say is it's two weak people stroking each other to make them feel good.

Lonelynlost


Me-BS 56 XWW-53

DD-10/25/2007
Separated 3/8/2008
D Final 8/31/2009


Posts: 517 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: South Jersey
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

have you outed them at work. I am in a similar sitch. My WW works for the SOB. HE is up for a big promotion next year.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say out them if their behavior could have an impact on production at work. In our case, the office is so small that everyone found out, and voiced their disapproval over the months after and before she left to have her baby. I was witness to an affair between coworkers that got the whole store upset. Eventually the male counterpart was transferred to another store (which didn't stop the affair and ended both of the marriages involved. And eventually their relationship also blew up, disastrously). So if the situation will affect more than the two idiots involved, then I would definitely blow the whistle.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
lonelynlost
♂ Member
Member # 18616
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RedVixen:

I saw my IC last night and I spoke to him about disclosure of the affair at work. He didn't recommend it becauses, while it may hasten the end of the affair he didn't think it would help with bringing her into reconciliation.

His point is that this is our second marriage, we have no kids together, we've been together for only a short time and the foundation isn't strong.

He recommended manipulative strategies that wouldn't push WW away further. He told me to be very cautious.

My WW works at a major defense contractor. It's a man's world and she's an attractive lady. Guys hit on her a lot. The OM approached her and they worked very close, however, he didn't look threatening. He works his way in and my WW let her guard down.

LonelynLost


Me-BS 56 XWW-53

DD-10/25/2007
Separated 3/8/2008
D Final 8/31/2009


Posts: 517 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: South Jersey
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another possible new job... shot down in flames. WH got a call on Friday about a job he applied for, he has been playing phone tag with this company since today... finally gets to talk to someone and "oops, the first shift job we posted for was taken, so its now a 2nd shift job"... we cant have that. Ok, so this phone tag deal, this has happened with a couple other companies during this 9 month job search.. and the "oops, turns out to be a 2nd shift" thing has come up more than once too. I cant help wonder if this is all BS that WH is feeding me, to just get out of having to leave that hell hole!


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
rugsgone
♀ Member
Member # 17677
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have a similar situation, obliterated. since DDay 1 i asked him to not work with OW anymore. he's made some very lame attempts at posting on job boards, but never calls or emails anyone back. hasn't sent out a single resume in 4 months. now i'm just asking that he switch teams and stay at his job, but just don't work with her anymore. he's supposedly trying to do that and has a meeting with his boss next week. my guess i'll get some "reason" why he can't switch teams. it's all so frustrating and unfair. he doesn't want to disrupt his life and meanwhile i'm supposed to cheerfully kiss him goodbye in the morning and ignore the knots in my stomach all day wondering if he's talking to her. or anything else with her. barf.

Posts: 324 | Registered: Jan 2008
rtkd
New Member
Member # 18763
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my H and her are in different depts, but within 20 feet of each other. The day i found out through cell phone usage i called him and told him to meet me regarding it. He called her immediately and told her he was going to tell her he was going to come clean to me in the next 10 minutes. We met that afternoon. He denied intially then came clean within a minute. it had gone on for 1 mth. He told her he was going to end it with her all along, but would feed into the attention each time. So after meeting with me, he finally seem to have the fuel he needed. I asked him to go back to work and tell her he needed to sit with her, and I wanted to be present. She refused and said she already knew it was coming so what was the point. He gave me her #, I called her and gave her a piece of my mind. She told me she would leave him alone but there was no guarantee they would not speak becuase there work might lead to it. When i told himthat he said it did not matter, he would have her go thru somebody else. I told her that. She being infuriated next morning walked up to him and told him not to speak to her anymore. She was expecting him to speak, but he walked away without saying a word. She has not called since. He turned his cell phone over to me, and i have blocked her number. at work they do not speak and i though I have not given anyone the real reason, I have told a couple of his coworkers that i am close to that I do not like her. This way if they see them speaking, they should tell me. Its been 1.5 mth. So far so good. He does not park in the same lot, nor does he use the same entrance any more. THANK GOD.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2008
steelcity1
♂ Member
Member # 17437
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW and her loser boss are having the affair.

All who have viewed this see it as a fantasy relationship. I have not outed them, in fact, I am looking forward to seeing her fall on her face within the next 12 months. I know her boss, Mr. Wonderful, he ain't.

I am moving on with MY life. She can have her sordid, crappy little affair. Since the A, I have lost forty pounds, running, lifting, I actually can see my abs--yay!

I have met so many women since we separated; guess what, I am viewed as a good catch! I am enjoying my freedom.


DDay: 09/30/2007
Me: BH: 43
WW: 46
One child: age 10

Divorced: March 18, 2008.

I recommend all BS get a "Livestrong" bracelet and wear it; its helped me tremendously!


Posts: 299 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: South Florida
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In one week, the OW in our case will return to work from her maternity leave. Yeeha. She's brought her baby in twice, complaining to everyone who will listen how her boyfriend won't get up in the night with her, won't help, blah blah blah. I think she's fishing for sympathy from my H, but he's not giving it. He says he feels nothing for her anymore - so why am I so afraid? He's been terrific during our R; he's been remorseful, understanding, willing to do whatever it takes to help us heal. And yet I still have fear. Each time he gets an e-mail, I have fear. It's ridiculous, really, since we've been going through something so much more scary (his cancer diagnosis) that how could I think he'd cheat on me now? But I do. I still get triggers. I worry that she'll come back to work and turn on the charm. I worry because we still have a real marriage(ie: we still have disagreements/arguments over normal things) that he'll fall for the fantasy again. I worry because I gained the weight back that I lost after D-day. And I guess it's been coming out, all these fears, because I've been short tempered with him lately, and haven't felt like myself, and in writing this, I think I've figured it out. Anyone have any thoughts on this?


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
justfriends
♀ Member
Member # 17867
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

okay, people, keep your fingers crossed for me! Their boss (our friend) told her on Friday he's not happy with her performance. Either do the job she was hired to do, or he will find someone that will. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, let her screw up!!!!


D-day Jan 2008
me BS (now 42)
him WS with no communication skills or heart
4 month PA
WH left 3/10/12 after 4 years of R and 18 years of M



Posts: 426 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ca
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