I hope everyone enjoys their holiday weekend. Hang in there.
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
I hate it and it drives me nuts at times. I wish she would leave but I am wasting my wish.
I have begged my wh to quit but he won't. He is driven by money and he likes that he makes a good living.
[This message edited by loserhusband at 6:27 PM, April 8th (Sunday)]
Never make someone a priority who considers you an option
Keep the Faith, but Ration the Trust, It is better to be pissed off than pissed on
After I found out about the A 2 years ago they worked together everyday beside each other and continued contact and lied to me that it was over.
Now after NC was established 7 months ago they still work in the same building but no longer the same schedule or in close promixity.
I am completely out of control in this situation. I have to trust that they are NC and that my wh is not lying to me. That is the toughest part of it all.
But in all honesty it is getting easier and I know that the A is over. I just hate that I have no control.
Well, we went out of town this weekend, and we really did have a good time. He took friday off, and called into work, he forgot to leave something for payroll or something, and that whore called his cell back...but i answered it..hehe...i was really shitty to her and when i gave him the phone, it accidentally folded closed, and hung up on her. i was pisssssssssed. I yelled from the other room that 'she had a lot of F-ing nerve calling him' ..god i hate her.
What confuses me is that we had a great time this weekend, and he is still planning on moving out. Just for a month he says. I was looking thru the pics on his camera phone saturday and there are 3 pics of an apartment on there. I was like 'when the F did you go look at an apt?' It was thurs over his lunch hour. So he didnt even tell me, or show the pics to me, yet he took them to show me. I asked him saturday when we were having coffee, what was his plan for work? Is he just planning on working there forever or what?
He says no, that if we are going to be together, and he said that he thinks we will, he will have to start looking for a job. What sucks is that we will have to move. But we ended up fighting again today about this apartment. He gets freaked out when i talk about the fact if he is screwing around while he is in his apartment, and worries that he is going to ruin things while he is out.
He is so stupid tho! duh! if he isnt spending time with that whore, then we dont have any problem! He says that right now he doesnt have any plans to see her, he said that in fact, he doesnt have any desire to spend time with her. What bothers me is that little bit of possibility he is leaving himself open..."he doesnt plan on it" is what he says. argh!
Shelby, I don't understand how moving out is going to help your situation at all. If he wants to work on the marriage, then he needs to stay home and work on it.
His actions aren't matching his words.
Just a word of caution. While (then)WH and I were separated so that he could 'get his head together', he spent the whole time with FSOW. The seperation gave him more 'freedom' to do it. Especially if they work together, then you know that they're seeing each other regularly. Honestly, that is harder for me to get over than the beginning of the A when I was 'clueless'.
I would seriously consider hiring a PI to 'stake out' his new place and follow him to see if he is using this 'seperation' to sort out his marriage or to pursue his A.
they arent spending any time together after work. I know there are times he stays late to work, and i will drive by, and her car is gone. If she wanted to spend time with him, wouldnt she stay? she has the perfect excuse, she could say she was working, or involve him in a conversation. He tells me that she hasnt approached him at all in recent months about anything personal...there have been a few occasions where he has had the oppurtunity to sit and have a few beers with her and others and has refused, come home and told me about it.
He says he just wants some time alone. He admits he isnt 100% committed, but wants to be. He is waiting for some lightning bolt to hit him. I think him moving out, he will either miss me or not. Missing me is his lightning bolt, if he doesnt, then there is our answer..and we get divorced. He told me yesterday that he isnt movin out to be with her, it isnt the plan, right now he has no desire to spend time with her and he doesnt see that changing. He looked me right in the eye when he said it..he is not a good liar..i know that. I do believe him, i just know that when he goes i will be insane. I get confused as to how we can have a great time, get along so perfectly, and he still wants to go.
Really, if he wants to go and sneak around, what can I do about it? Follow him around and make myself crazy? No...it is time for the 180, and for me to move on with my life, for the sake of my kids. I have to improve my mental health to raise them well, you know? So.fuck him... he has to decide. I am tired of trying to convince him how great it is here, or how fun i am, he knows. So..if he needs to move out to realize that i am the best thing to happen to him, then he can go. I have told him 100% though, if he is running around, i will file for divorce. so...i just tell him to do what he needs to do, and whatever happens we deal with it then...
he gets very scared when i tell him that i will divorce him if he spends time with her, and doesnt want to move out. Wouldnt you think that would be a clue to himself that he doesnt want a divorce? duh. idiot.
hey, thanks for listening.
It is easier said than done, but I am really going to have to make some changes here. Limbo sucks.
I have a 2yr old to potty train, a 7yr old in swimming, i work at home, and i need to work as much as possible, i am not making enough to pay bills, i am taking 12 hours at the community college, so that i can get a better job. I have a 3bdrm house that needs bedrooms and bathroom painted, and gobs of laundry ...
I really dont have time for his shit. I would love to see that spoiled rich pain in the ass bitch try to handle what i do. Of course she has time to sit and listen to him whine. give me a break.
Also, just because he's not seeing her after work, doesn't mean that there isn't 'lunch break' or 'coffee break' time. The PA could be put on hold while the EA continues.
Of course, I'm probably just jaded because (then)WH gaslighted and lied to me so much during our separation. I also saw myself posting on SI a lot of the things that you are "I really do believe him that he isn't seeing her." or "I do think that he is taking this time to think." Should've trusted my gut. Stupid gut.
I think that so long as you are aware of the possibility that he may see her, and you stand your ground on the N/C thing..then let him go.
Its not the ideal situation..as Hurt says, he the best would be for him to stay put and work on your M w/you. But sounds like he is pretty set on leaving.
I just dont get how in 1 month he will "decide".
What happens after 1 month, and he isnt ready or hasnt committed either way still. Does he get more time?
I think a separation CAN help, IF you have a plan of attack. Sit and write it out even.
Boundaries. What if's. Timelines etc.
I hope for your sake that he sees sooner than later what he will be missing when he leaves. Right now, I think maybe he is in fantasy land that this temp split will "open his eyes".
AND I would also consider a PI too..or at very least a GPS tracker. ?
My H and I were split up last year and thats when the A thrived...the whole time he was calling me and emailing and telling me how much he missed me and loved me...but the A was well underway.
I just worry for you..b/c the split can go either way.
180 would be a good way for you to go.
How could I have lived with a liar and not known...
'if he cant promise to stay away from her then, how can he do it now? what does it matter where he lives?'
and it is true. He says he isnt committed 100%, that is why he is moving out. to figure out why. So wtf are we waiting for? I have done everything but wipe his ass with gold toilet paper and it hasnt made him realize...so go then. argh!
i just called and we are getting in with the counselor this thursday night, where we will def. discuss his 'fence sitting'..
And has your XWS notified his boss? Are they aware of the situation?
The only way I get thru the day, is that I know for a fact my H's boss knows about the A, has spoken to XOW about N/C and she has been warned.
Exposure usually does the trick, if time and ignoring dont do it first.
And I wanted to add, and I'm sorry if this is out of line.
Are you certain the A is over??
I was "Sure" too, but turned out that even after d-day, I found that the A resumed after about a month.
AND the only proof I had was a few texts, secret phone calls from differnt numbers, to my H's cell. He was VERY careful never to have her # appear on his call log. That way, he could "Blame" it all on her...when now I know for a fact that he was indeed talking to her using his work email and work phone.
For me, the A ended on the day when I saw a text from her. I called my H, told him he could "HAVE HER"....I was DONE. Get your Crap out of my house and be gone!
Sure it was just me spewing...but something changed in him that day...he turned a corner after that phone conversation.
Not that I am thinking that your H's A continues...but just an FYI that just b/c he doesnt contact her..doesnt mean the A is over necessarily.
Hang in there!
[This message edited by stillhurting1 at 3:53 PM, April 9th (Monday)]
I do agree with the fact if he is going to cheat then he will cheat. My wh was home the entire time and continued contact. Contact was continued for another year and a half and the whole time he lied to me about it.
If he will cheat while at home then he will cheat while he is away. Location is not the problem. They are the problem.
Being alone will give him more opportunity but maybe it will give him the chance to realize that he wants you.
What if while away you discover that you don't want him?? Did he even consider that?
What if while away you discover that you don't want him?? Did he even consider that?
Oh i think that might be partly why he still lives here
Do I feel less threatened? No.
Are there plenty of opportunities? Yes. Email, internet chats, phone calls, etc. Just because he is not in the same building does not mean he is NC. (I wouldn't believe him if he said he was.)
I can say that having him out of the same building has helped though.
Good luck to all of you, no matter what you decide is right for you...
Of course, the shine rubs off when I have to deal with the fact that this month and next, the A was in full swing.