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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
Broken Strings
♂ New Member
Member # 15667
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

new here too. My WW is in what I expect to be a work affair. I don't have solid proof, but it's the only thing that makes sense. Work affairs are the worst. Mine involves supposed business travel as well w/the OM.
i'm just sick, I think of all the things that would be needed to R and I don't see my one time bride and joy doing 1/10 of what it would take to help me heal and save our marriage.


Me: BS
Her: WW
DDay#1: 3/20/07
DDay#2: 8/1/07
When is it my turn to the be the windshield instead of the bug?
My spirit's been broken

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: drifting
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Mandy - I don't know if any of us can really say how we deal with it because I don't think any of us feel in control of the situation. We just endure it for as long as we can.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Charli
♀ Member
Member # 15601
Default  Posted: 4:16 AM, August 10th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The days tick away, and we're getting closer and closer to the moment he'll have to go back to work after his vacation. I'm getting more and more scared.

In a way we are incredibly lucky that we have this breathing space - 7 weeks total - in which he didn't have to go. I can't begin to imagine how much harder reconciliation would be if he had been seeing her every day from the start.

He has no way of contacting her at the moment. Not that he wants to contact her, but it also means he can't send a NC letter. Because of her profession she doesn't have work e-mail, so he won't be able to write to her there, either. My idea now is that he just avoids her, and that if she approaches him and tries to start a conversation he will tell her that he's told me and he can't talk to her.

What do you think? I'ts not ideal, but I think any other way of getting an NC message to her would drop to a very high school-esque level of passing notes via someone else....


me: 31, F, XBSO, getting on with my life!

Posts: 1573 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: The Netherlands
Lalaland
♀ Member
Member # 8248
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, August 10th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Charli- I've been catching up with your posts and want to say I'm sorry for what you are going thru. My H never sent an NC letter either-I didn't know what they were until after I sent my own, better keep your hands off my man, letter AND called her at her job! I don't want to alarm you but it seems like your partner is in an on the fence position in terms of committment. He has to want it to work and I guess the problem with the non-marital option is that there are always out doors easy to access? See if you can get a committment from him to you and that is where the trust might return. I have a sense he is still in the fog- not related to any particular person but kind of a developmental crisis towards adulthood and you have come to personify that for him. A willingness to do what ever it takes is one of the hallmarks of reconciliation, is he ready to do that? I hope this doesn't offend you, if it's way off base just disregard please but I felt I needed to say it just in case.


D-Day 8/1/05
http://wendychaserofmarriedmen.blogspot.com-come visit!

Posts: 263 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: New England
Charli
♀ Member
Member # 15601
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 10th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you lalaland... no, I'm not the least bit offended, you've really hit the nail on the head there, that's exactly what he's afraid of.

He has committed to reconciling and to making this relationship work... he's just being very open about where his doubts lie, too. Since I wrote my "angry today" post (not sure whether you read that one too) he's really stepped up the effort in simply being supportive by helping out a lot more around the house, and he's moved from obsessing over his own guilt and towards trying to imagine what this is doing to me and what he can do to help.

I think I should probably stop trying to push for quick answers from him on whether he wants to stay with me. We're both so messed up right now; we're not in any shape to make life-changing decisions. What he has done, sleeping with someone else, has hugely magnified for him what was just a feeling of slight doubt he used to get sometimes before. I think I can understand that Ė e.g. ďif I was able to sleep with someone else, maybe Iím really unhappy in my relationship?Ē

He sends mixed messages, but I suppose that's just a reflection of his inner confusion. He says all these things about missing a certain amount of freedom, but in the same breath that he knows he'd regret it and miss me horribly if we did break up. When i suggest he actually get some space from me to think about this he panics and says he wants to be around me.

He was going to visit his family in his home country for a couple of weeks, but he doesn't want to go now because he wants to be around to take care of me and cook for me etc. while i'm so stressed with dissertation & work, and then he wants us to go to his family together later in the year. I'm not sure about that... I'd love to see them, but it really depends on where we are. I don't want to go wondering whether it will be the last time we see them. Also, they donít know what has happened, and I donít know if I will be able to play fair weather if he doesnít tell them before then. I really think he should go visit them now though, even just for a few days, if only because his sister has just had a baby...

ok, sorry, really rambling here and have strayed from the topic of this thread, but thank you again Lala!!!



me: 31, F, XBSO, getting on with my life!

Posts: 1573 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: The Netherlands
Charli
♀ Member
Member # 15601
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 10th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lala, does that blog in your sig belong to "your" OW? If so... oh.my.god... (((((((((Lala)))))))))

[This message edited by Charli at 10:19 AM, August 10th (Friday)]


me: 31, F, XBSO, getting on with my life!

Posts: 1573 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: The Netherlands
Mandy
Member
Member # 15676
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, August 13th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone out there that has been able to move past an A with their WH still working at the same office as the OW? I need some positive hope.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2007
Lalaland
♀ Member
Member # 8248
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mandy- my H worked with the OW for several months before she did us a favor and moved to the Netherlands.What is your situation?


D-Day 8/1/05
http://wendychaserofmarriedmen.blogspot.com-come visit!

Posts: 263 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: New England
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, August 23rd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm graduating from the group! H has accepted a position in another town. He's worked with SOW for 2.5 years and now maybe I can start to live again.

Its a horrible, terrible, extremely unfair situation we have each been placed in and I'm sending hugs and strengh to each and every one of you.

Love,
EE


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, August 24th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations EE!!!! I am very, very happy for you!

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, August 26th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Sharim. I thought I would be elated and could finally start putting some of this behind us but I'm learning that's not the case.

He's crossed the line once and there will be other young girls working at the new office. The trust was broken and its not coming back. It doesn't matter where he works, I'll never feel like I did before.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, August 27th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EE - I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling that way but I know exactly what you mean. Any woman that my H talks about at work is now a "potential" in my mind. Hopefully, though you will be able to start fresh though and he has learned his lesson.

I know the one thing I have done is "prepare" myself. I am ready to bail out of this relationship if needed now whereas before I pretty much got the rug pulled out from beneath me.

Unfortunately, as we know too well - some things will never be the same or better than pre-A.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have my plan in place, too, should I need it.

He swears he'll never hurt me again, blah, blah, blah.

It just doesn't mean much anymore, ya know?


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mandy,

My FWH has lost all respect and any feelings for his OW, even though they still work together. Her crazy ways, the way she keeps trying to get him involved with an unborn child that an ultrasound proved isn't his...her careless nature. It's all gone in my favor! He came out of the fog like someone pulling the covers off a bed, and can't imagine what he was ever thinking in the first place. She's still there (though I hope it won't be forever), but we've moved on. I still get twinges of panic, and some lingering fear. I suspect I will always have that.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mandy,

Mine could care less about OW now, too.

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It just doesn't mean much anymore, ya know?

That's for sure!

I have no idea what my H thinks or doesn't think about OW. If I didn't know she still worked there I wouldn't have any idea. She never comes up in any conversations about work.

Red vixen - How can an ultrasound prove paternity? I thought you would have to have a DNA test. Just curious - please don't feel obligated to answer if it's a sensitive issue.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
mom2one
♀ Member
Member # 12607
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I am still a member of this group and I do not want to be. I am getting tired of wondering and worrying if he is going to have any "run-in's" He is really doing everything right and doing everything he possibly can to avoid seeing her at all costs. They do not work directly together at all but do work in the same building. He has a great job, so quitting is not an option at this point. I am not normally a vindictive person and I know what goes around comes around and that she will get hers eventually... but I can't help but want to move things along. She is awful and I know that my FWH was the only one accountable to me but she knew full well that we were expecting a child when she entered into this "relationship" with him. She was awful to me when I found out and confronted her, she showed NO remorse and even went as far as to threaten ME with a restraining order if I contacted her again. She still does not get it because FWH heard from his friend that she had asked "why things needed to be that way, and why he avoids her" Are you kidding me? I just wish that there was a way for me to expose her in the workplace without getting FWH involved. Anyone else come up with creative ideas? I wonder what HR would do if I anonymously tipped them off that this person used company email to become involved in a relationship with other married colleagues? I just wish I could do something to expose her if not to get her fired but at the very least to humiliate her. So I know that this is childish but just the way that I am feeling these days. Sorry for the ramble!!!!!


Me BS 32
Him WH 32
Daughter 2
Married 5 Yrs.
D-Day #1 8/31/06
D-Day #2 11/4/06 (found out the rest of the story)
EA/PA (lasted 4 mnths)

Posts: 293 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: New York
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, September 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sharim, The OW had a boyfriend during her A with my H. She was still living with him after the A ended, but had already planned to move out. Weeks after the A ended, she comes up pregnant. My H swears he wore protection every time (there were only 4 times, and I believe that as the A was only 3 weeks physically). He could not get a straight answer from the OW, so he played nice, got her an appt. with her gyno, told her he'd go with her. And did. First she tried to stop the doctor from the internal, then tried to get my H to leave the room during the internal. Then she tried talking the doctor out of doing the ultrasound, but my H cajoled her. The ultrasound at the time proved her fetus was 12 weeks and 1 day. The most pregnant she could be with my H's kid would have been 10 weeks. She even admitted it to my H as they sat alone in the doctor's office that she had already been pregnant when they hooked up. But now, she's told people at the company that she's carrying my H's baby, she tried saying that a "new" doctor (who has not done an ultrasound) that the "old" doctor was wrong - towards my husband. That's becasue her boyfriend wants nothing to do with her, he already has another girl. Crazy! I'm still expecting her to ask him for a paternity test once the kid gets here. So this won't end for several more months. Sigh.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, September 4th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks RV - I didn't even think about being able to determine how far along she was --- DUHHHHH!!!!!!! Either this whole A thing has made me really spacey (which yes, it has) or I've been out of "baby" mode so long I don't remember these things.

What a nightmare for you to have to go through though. Stay strong!


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Mandy
Member
Member # 15676
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, September 4th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mom2one,
I know eaxactly how you feel. The OW just lied to my face and was bragging about herself and my H when I confronted her. She also knew that we had a newborn when they started their A. . .but didn't care. I want revenge also but that will just stir things up more. I actually e-mailed her from my H e-mail pretending to be him. . .I found out that the A wasn't going on anymore but I also gave them a reason to talk and she milked it for all it was worth. She actually said that she was tired of getting ripped on and that this wasn't her fault bc her and her fiance were having a tough time. . .it would be alot worse now if I told him. I decided not to bc I know it will just make things worse for my H and I. My H did tell his boss about the A and my BF works at the office and he told me the gossip mill is brewing so I know that people know at the office which is a good thing. You could have him send her a NC contact letter and give a copy to the HR department. Do you know anyone at the office. You would be surprised how fast things like this get around an office. I know at my office people talk if two people go to lunch or act alittle too friendly. The OW is relentless and she keeps trying to just talk to my H and have a friendly relationship. At first my H thought that was OK bc he didn't want to cause any problems at work . . .then I found out and flipped and kicked him out. He still didn't get it until the OW went to my BF(male) and gave him to crying story about how it's my H not her and blah blah blah. She must have forgotten that I had proof of her e-mails and calls. My H finally saw the game she was playing. . .I hope. He wrote her a not nice NC letter and she hasn't even spoken to him about work since. She asks others. . .I know that will change in time and she'll start fishing again. This is all so hard. . .I hate him for doing this. . .I may want revenge on her but my H is the one who hurt me not her.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2007
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