Are you familiar with Dr. Harley of Marriage Builders fame? He is adamant about the WS never seeing the affair partner again. He really believes that reconciliation cannot occur if the WS even sees the OP, much less talks to or works with him/her. He recommends radical action like moving to another state if necessary. He describes the affair as an addiction and the only way for the addict to move forward is to completely remove the addicting subject...the other person. Much like the alcoholic who can never have another drink.
What do you all think of this? I initially believed that my husband could maintain a work-only relationship with his lover, but he's crossed the line too many times.
Has anyone out there sucessfully R while the OP and spouse continue to work together? If so, how exactly did that work? I'm desperate for replies because I'm starting to see Dr. Harley's logic and it's got me doubting my ability to hang on much longer. Thanks!
prayingmom, my fwh still works with ow3. I don't think we are heading towards real R at all, but that has a lot to do with the fact that I believe he's still lying to me about what really happened. If he were completely honest, it would help, but I don't think I'll ever feel completely comfortable with them working together, even with them supposedly working complete opposite shifts such that they're never even in the same building at the same time.
I just posted in General, but I am not sure if that was the right place to post.
I think my husband is having an affair his coworker. I'm not sure, because I don't have any solid proof, but there are a lot of red flags for me right now.
I've been snooping around tonight on this computer while he watches tv in the other room, but I just haven't found anything yet.
I don't know if I will -- if there is something going on with this woman, it's probably all at work.
Anyway, I guess I'm part of the group until I can prove otherwise, right?
[This message edited by kate4 at 4:02 PM, July 18th (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by Grandall at 7:27 AM, July 21st (Saturday)]
XWH died Dec. 2010
My XWH said he "stopped" the A just before D Day. Howver looking back and seeing how different a man he is now vs then, I am 110% certain that they resumed the A after a short time.
I watched and checked my H's cell records and not once did he call her after D-day. Oh she texted, but HE didnt call her.
But, he DID call his office phone at all hours of the day. I was in denial thinking he was just checking messages from clients.
Yeah. And he was VERY happy to go to work on Saturdays too. I was blind.
Please dont be too.
If you smell a rat, there is probably one very near by.
Redvixen- I'm so sorry. I really hope your H is not the father of her child. That was my worst fear that she would get pg too. hugs to you!!
Can your H change his cell # or block her #? Is he willing to? My H was not willing...obviously b/c he was still in contact.
Sharim- hey friend! How are you? Hope things are well!! UGG on the friendly email. EVERY email is a trigger, you are right. This is why this A business is so hard.
hang in there!!!
My H has been working with xow again for 6 months already. So far, he has been good. Meaning I no longer feel the need to check up on him. We still fight about it at times b/c I trigger, but for the most part, we are doing really well and enjoying our great kids.
However, I am now at a place and have TOLD him many times, that I will check periodically, which he HATES, but I told him I need to trust him and he needs to keep that trust..but, BUT if I do find something out, I'm gone. Period. No questions asked. No more time. No more trying to make it work. He either wants this M or not. If he wants a girlfriend too..then he obviously doesnt want our M. And I *finally* believe my own words too..and it feels GOOD to have my confidence back again too.
How could I have lived with a liar and not known...
BUT if I do find something out, I'm gone. Period. No questions asked. No more time. No more trying to make it work. He either wants this M or not. If he wants a girlfriend too..then he obviously doesnt want our M. And I *finally* believe my own words too..and it feels GOOD to have my confidence back again too.
Exactly! I'm right there with you. It sounds like things are going well for you! Things are going pretty good for me - H and I have decided to redo our kitchen. This is our last project and we will be done with the "remodeling" phase of our life. A started with the start of all this stuff (don't ask me what he was thinking -- oh yeah he wasn't )
So it is now kinda symbolic that as we finish all this stuff hopefully we can put all this A stuff behind us (well at least for the most part since OW is STILL there ) H said though when we were contemplating the additional cost of the kitchen "well I can't imagine any reason why we would be moving for at least ten years" (I actually can --- but I kept quiet.) So hopefully things are moving forward, our relationship will be as restored as it can be and the house will be DONE!
I'd like to join you all here if you don't mind. My story is in my profile, the unbelievably long version is is 2 posts in reconciliation... I just don't know how to keep it short, when I'm writing them EVERYTHING seems relevant
Short version: my partner had a 2-night fling with a co-worker on a business trip 4 weeks ago and confessed almost immediately, even though there is no way i would have suspected or found out. That kind of works in his favour for me, but I am still completely devastated and incredulous that he could do this to me.
He will not be back at work for another month (they all have a very long vacation because they had to travel so much, earlier in the year), but he will see her again when he gets back, and eventually (early 2008) they will have to travel together again, though in a big group, same as last time.
We are both committed to reconciliation, but I'm still terrified of what will happen when they see each other again, terrified that it will develop further with her... though he is so cut up about what he did that I think he would at least this time have the respect to leave me before pursuing anything with her. I don't want to lose him though, and I certainly don't want to lose him to HER.
He says he has no strong feelings for her, just a 'click' during the trip, and he doesn't think she's interested in pursuing things with him. He has promised to keep contact to an absolute minimum necessary for work, which should be REALLY minimal since they do completely different things in the company. It doesn't do much to assuage my fears most of the time though.
You're right, everything is relevent. I'm glad your partner is at least showing remorse, but I can understand your fears. My H still works with the OW every day, though her actions have led to his total disgust (so hopefully your partner, too, will lose any residual feelings!) And he came clean right away, too, which is at least decent of him, as much as it can be. Just be totally honest with him about your feelings, no matter what. If you're triggering on something, let him know. I've found communication is the most important thing in our reconciliation. Take care of yourself.
Today is our D-Day antiversary and also my son's birthday. Naturally I'm feeling pretty low. But I'm a little better because OW put in her notice today! Two more weeks and she'll be gone for good!!!! She and H are on different shifts, so they don't have contact, but there's always the possibility. He has been passing up possible promotions because it would have meant going to her shift. Now he can try for these other positions because her nasty ass won't be there! YIPPY SKIPPY!
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.