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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
make_it_stop
♀ Member
Member # 13681
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi i am new to this forum.
My WH started his affair with a co worker.. they are both nurses. He has continued to work with her the whole time. For those who followed my story, DDay#1 was Jan 30 and i left him after i had a miscarrige on Feb 9th. We had NC for a week and then he cake ate for two months before entering into false R with me for three weeks. During that three week period, they had NC and he was off work. He begged me to move home.. i did and he went back to work. Three days later he needed " space" and i had to move out again. I found out on Mothers day May 13 that they had slept together again. He has now been off work for 5 weeks and we have been kind of in R again... although he has NOT been fully disclosing. He went back to work yesterday:( I am not doing well. I want to ask him again to leave the floor.. but i dont want to push it either for fear it will drive him away. They worked days yesterday and he was great and called me four times. Just to say he loved me. But today... no calls:( I even emailed him and no response:( I feel like it is going to happen all over again that he sees her at work and BOOM our chance at R is over:( Tommorrow they start thier nights shifts together:( :(

Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2007
kate4
♀ New Member
Member # 15212
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a word of caution to all...just because the WS quits his job, that is not a guarantee that he is over the workplace relationship. My h quit and everyone thought it was sooo noble of him but he has admitted that he realized he could not continue to work with her if he got back with me or left me for her. Either way his career there was tanked so the only answer was to get another job. So...even though I feel immensely better that she is not sitting in his lap all day, we are not making progress with reconciliation...


Me--BS age 51
Him--WS age 51
Married 23 years
OW--age 51 co-worker of course
Emotional affair
DDay 9/17/06
2 kids in college

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2007
prayingmom
♀ New Member
Member # 12209
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi to all. I've never posted here before, but I'm definately one of the gang.

Are you familiar with Dr. Harley of Marriage Builders fame? He is adamant about the WS never seeing the affair partner again. He really believes that reconciliation cannot occur if the WS even sees the OP, much less talks to or works with him/her. He recommends radical action like moving to another state if necessary. He describes the affair as an addiction and the only way for the addict to move forward is to completely remove the addicting subject...the other person. Much like the alcoholic who can never have another drink.

What do you all think of this? I initially believed that my husband could maintain a work-only relationship with his lover, but he's crossed the line too many times.

Has anyone out there sucessfully R while the OP and spouse continue to work together? If so, how exactly did that work? I'm desperate for replies because I'm starting to see Dr. Harley's logic and it's got me doubting my ability to hang on much longer. Thanks!


BS Age 41
d-day #1 July '06
d-day #2 May '07
Separated (for 18 months)
In R (May 08 to present)

Posts: 13 | Registered: Oct 2006
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kate, I'm in full agreement. I only found out years after the fact, but fwh left his job for one a mile or so away, and spent the next year or so just 'stopping by' his old job to have coffee with ow2, and lying to me about it.

prayingmom, my fwh still works with ow3. I don't think we are heading towards real R at all, but that has a lot to do with the fact that I believe he's still lying to me about what really happened. If he were completely honest, it would help, but I don't think I'll ever feel completely comfortable with them working together, even with them supposedly working complete opposite shifts such that they're never even in the same building at the same time.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
CrushedForever
♀ New Member
Member # 15385
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi everyone,

I just posted in General, but I am not sure if that was the right place to post.

I think my husband is having an affair his coworker. I'm not sure, because I don't have any solid proof, but there are a lot of red flags for me right now.

I've been snooping around tonight on this computer while he watches tv in the other room, but I just haven't found anything yet.

I don't know if I will -- if there is something going on with this woman, it's probably all at work.

Anyway, I guess I'm part of the group until I can prove otherwise, right?

Thanks everyone.


Me: 37
XH: 37
He ruined a wonderful life we had together. Moving on to bigger and better things.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
kate4
♀ New Member
Member # 15212
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crushed
Can u check cell phone records? That's good evidence. Unlike email they cannot delete those. Also check credit card bills....
This is war and u need all the ammunition you can get!

[This message edited by kate4 at 4:02 PM, July 18th (Wednesday)]


Me--BS age 51
Him--WS age 51
Married 23 years
OW--age 51 co-worker of course
Emotional affair
DDay 9/17/06
2 kids in college

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2007
nydiah
♀ Member
Member # 15392
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS still works with one of the OW's. There have been 10 or maybe 11, I've lost count. Not all of them were physical, but they were all headed that way. The OW he works with was the 1st physical partner. Even when things were over and he had moved on to another 2 other OW's, they still remained "friends". Even after I found out about the 3rd OW, at this time I didn't know about the 1st, they were still friends. When everything finally came out, he agreed to send this 1st OW a NC letter. After he sent the NC, the OW still sent him an email, called him and even went to his desk to tell him how sorry she was about everything. My WS was at home at the time and let me listen to the phone message and the read the email. I'm still VERY uncomfortable with her there.


Me: BS - 43
Him (iluvmygirl): FWS - 43
Kids: D-15, S-12
Together: 20 years,M 14 years
D Day#1: 6/1/2007 (found out about most recent PA)
D Day #2: 6/20/2007 (found out about 2 other PA's and 7 EA's)
Reconciling ; )


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: MN
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, July 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh - WH left some work stuff on the table tonight. The top page was an email response from OW regarding a work thing. I saw his original email to her also. Nothing that would raise any red flags under "normal" circumstances but we don't live in "normal" anymore. These "innocent" emails are how it all starts. Yuck - I hate this - she is still there.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Grandall
♂ Member
Member # 11169
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, July 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone. I'm glad to be here. You can read my story on The Waywards forum it's currently on pg. 2 titled "How does the A end" I could use some support.

[This message edited by Grandall at 7:27 AM, July 21st (Saturday)]


Me 46 WS Online EA
XWW Many EA's and PA. Married OP.
T 26yrs. M 20yrs.
Divorced 6/5/07
3 Great Children, G 21. G 15. B 11.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are lavish & deceitful.

Posts: 611 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: MA
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH still works with the OW, too. She text messages him every Saturday because she knows I'm working, and now she's texting him at home at night. She's pregnant, and not sure if it's my H's or her own on/off boyfriend's, so she's using this as an excuse for contact. What she doesn't get, even though he's told her over and over, is that he tells me everything and shows me her texts. It's gotten to the point that he hates seeing her at the office every day, and wants nothing more to do with her. I have been tempted to show up at the office, but only one other person there knows what happened and I don't want to create a scene. Once we get the issue of paternity out of the way, we'll be able to proceed from there. But it still aggravates me to no end.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, August 1st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crushed, I hope that your H is not having an affair.
I agree. Be diligent in your checking.

My XWH said he "stopped" the A just before D Day. Howver looking back and seeing how different a man he is now vs then, I am 110% certain that they resumed the A after a short time.

I watched and checked my H's cell records and not once did he call her after D-day. Oh she texted, but HE didnt call her.
But, he DID call his office phone at all hours of the day. I was in denial thinking he was just checking messages from clients.
Yeah. And he was VERY happy to go to work on Saturdays too. I was blind.
Please dont be too.

If you smell a rat, there is probably one very near by.


Redvixen- I'm so sorry. I really hope your H is not the father of her child. That was my worst fear that she would get pg too. hugs to you!!
Can your H change his cell # or block her #? Is he willing to? My H was not willing...obviously b/c he was still in contact.

Sharim- hey friend! How are you? Hope things are well!! UGG on the friendly email. EVERY email is a trigger, you are right. This is why this A business is so hard.
hang in there!!!

My H has been working with xow again for 6 months already. So far, he has been good. Meaning I no longer feel the need to check up on him. We still fight about it at times b/c I trigger, but for the most part, we are doing really well and enjoying our great kids.
However, I am now at a place and have TOLD him many times, that I will check periodically, which he HATES, but I told him I need to trust him and he needs to keep that trust..but, BUT if I do find something out, I'm gone. Period. No questions asked. No more time. No more trying to make it work. He either wants this M or not. If he wants a girlfriend too..then he obviously doesnt want our M. And I *finally* believe my own words too..and it feels GOOD to have my confidence back again too.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 3rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BUT if I do find something out, I'm gone. Period. No questions asked. No more time. No more trying to make it work. He either wants this M or not. If he wants a girlfriend too..then he obviously doesnt want our M. And I *finally* believe my own words too..and it feels GOOD to have my confidence back again too.

Exactly! I'm right there with you. It sounds like things are going well for you! Things are going pretty good for me - H and I have decided to redo our kitchen. This is our last project and we will be done with the "remodeling" phase of our life. A started with the start of all this stuff (don't ask me what he was thinking -- oh yeah he wasn't )
So it is now kinda symbolic that as we finish all this stuff hopefully we can put all this A stuff behind us (well at least for the most part since OW is STILL there ) H said though when we were contemplating the additional cost of the kitchen "well I can't imagine any reason why we would be moving for at least ten years" (I actually can --- but I kept quiet.) So hopefully things are moving forward, our relationship will be as restored as it can be and the house will be DONE!


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Charli
♀ Member
Member # 15601
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 4th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all,

I'd like to join you all here if you don't mind. My story is in my profile, the unbelievably long version is is 2 posts in reconciliation... I just don't know how to keep it short, when I'm writing them EVERYTHING seems relevant

Short version: my partner had a 2-night fling with a co-worker on a business trip 4 weeks ago and confessed almost immediately, even though there is no way i would have suspected or found out. That kind of works in his favour for me, but I am still completely devastated and incredulous that he could do this to me.

He will not be back at work for another month (they all have a very long vacation because they had to travel so much, earlier in the year), but he will see her again when he gets back, and eventually (early 2008) they will have to travel together again, though in a big group, same as last time.

We are both committed to reconciliation, but I'm still terrified of what will happen when they see each other again, terrified that it will develop further with her... though he is so cut up about what he did that I think he would at least this time have the respect to leave me before pursuing anything with her. I don't want to lose him though, and I certainly don't want to lose him to HER.

He says he has no strong feelings for her, just a 'click' during the trip, and he doesn't think she's interested in pursuing things with him. He has promised to keep contact to an absolute minimum necessary for work, which should be REALLY minimal since they do completely different things in the company. It doesn't do much to assuage my fears most of the time though.

Hug?


me: 31, F, XBSO, getting on with my life!

Posts: 1573 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: The Netherlands
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, August 4th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Charli))))

You're right, everything is relevent. I'm glad your partner is at least showing remorse, but I can understand your fears. My H still works with the OW every day, though her actions have led to his total disgust (so hopefully your partner, too, will lose any residual feelings!) And he came clean right away, too, which is at least decent of him, as much as it can be. Just be totally honest with him about your feelings, no matter what. If you're triggering on something, let him know. I've found communication is the most important thing in our reconciliation. Take care of yourself.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm joining the group. My WH also works with the OW. We now call her the "Schwinn" because after only 15 months of employment at their company, she has slept with 3 men. Two married & one engaged. My WH was passenger #1. She was still married during passenger #1 and #2, but her divorce is just about final. My ws is looking for a new job, but it is a slow process. The third passenger just dumped her, because at the company golf outing, she got sloppy drunk, was hanging all over everyone & he tried to get her to leave, she threw a fit, so he left her there. She made quite a spectacle. But wouldn't you know it, the nut job came fishing around my H today. He did not say anything to her, just turned & walked away.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Obliterated -- I had to reread what you had written because I first thought we might have the same OW! What is it with these OW whose "career" is having affairs with the men they work with?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Obliterated9584
Member
Member # 12714
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sharim
These "career ow" are nut jobs. I can see she loves the attention, no matter how unsavory it is.


Me 39
WS 40
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
2 Great Kids
we were HS sweeties
D-day 9-24-06
mini d-day 11-19-06
FWH no longer working with OW 10/30/09
Working hard at R

Posts: 264 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Twin Cities
brainless twit
♀ Member
Member # 12085
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted here in awhile, but I just wanted to share my good news with the one group of people I know will appreciate it!

Today is our D-Day antiversary and also my son's birthday. Naturally I'm feeling pretty low. But I'm a little better because OW put in her notice today! Two more weeks and she'll be gone for good!!!! She and H are on different shifts, so they don't have contact, but there's always the possibility. He has been passing up possible promotions because it would have meant going to her shift. Now he can try for these other positions because her nasty ass won't be there! YIPPY SKIPPY!


"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump

D-Day 8/7/06
Divorced 12/14/09
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.


Posts: 1537 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats BT!!!! I saw a job in Sunday's paper that would be great for either my H or OW. I sure would hope that she would see it and laeave. I'm sure my H won't act on it.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
Mandy
Member
Member # 15676
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new here and my H still works with the OW tha he had a PA with for 3 months. he are currently r'ing and he is doing everything to help me heal. He can't leave his job and I don't want him to. Getting rid of her is not going to fix us. . .there are those women everywhere and if he wants to remain in contact with her he will no matter where she is. It's been 2 months since I found out and I've been checking phone records and e-mails. He told me about an e-mail she sent him but didn't show it to me. How do you all deal with them working together? I'm having a hard time trusting him. I'm really scared. . .

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2007
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