Of course, the only way to get him to read the thing was to highlight and underline the parts I want him to focus on..otherwise, b/c it was long...he would have just skimmed thru it or delted.
Part of the ADD thing is highlighting or making things as simple as possible for them. Sounds silly..but believe me...it works. I nearly lost my mind during the first years of our relationship. things changed when I figured out how to get thru to him.
I've read things to him before..but what works best is for me to read it and then "Share" my info...
We went for dinner the other night..just the two of us..and we talked about a lot of things..me needing his help post baby ..etc...everything but the A...which for some reason I have a hard time bringing up...I guess it feels like I just dont want to go there at time...things between us are very good right now...
its me who is having a hard time..b/c I just feel left out of the work thing....but its highly probably that he and xOw are indeed 100% n/c or at very least have not resumed A or Friendship....but things can change right? Thats what scares me.
[This message edited by stillhurting1 at 1:46 PM, April 25th (Wednesday)]
How could I have lived with a liar and not known...
How nice that you got some alone time. I remember going through a phase when our kids were little and I really felt I needed a date night. On those rare occasions when we did get to go out alone, what did we talk about? The kids They can be all consuming for a while. I think a lot of men feel like an outsider when their wife delivers a new baby. The mom is tired, focused on this little helpless cuddly being, and totally not focused on her husband's needs/feelings. That stage set up a dynamic between us that lasted for a long time. I wish we could have found a way to fix it before it spun out of control.
Sorry-got a little rambly there!
H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"
And YES! YOU also get the whole neglected the H thing post baby.
I SO did after our 1st was born..but at the time I didnt care. Due to huge financial issue (again another ADD problem) and loss of jobs/lack of inspiration on my H's part..I was HUGELY resentful to him during my 1st pg and after.
So I totally ignored him and his needs and was AWFUL to him..its a wonder he didnt leave ME after I had the baby..but I probably wouldnt have cared. I told him over and over again about how I was just "done".
Hence our separation last year when our D was just 16 months old...we were apart for 6 months and thats when we both realized how much we still wanted to be together.
Ok, I should talk that back..I realized I wanted him in my life..and what I was doing wrong, like ignoring him and pouring all my emtion into our child and neglecting our M.
So, this time I'm trying really hard not to let that happen. Things are a LOT better now between us. We talk alot about improving our M and having date nights.
My parents watched our D for us that night so we could go out.
That night I told him how much *I* and WE needed date nights and alone time. He said "who will watch the kids"..I said....uh, a BABYSITTER??
We just laughed..but then I reminded him just how important spending alone time together is...and yes, I even "went" there...i said like "when we first were dating..we went out alot..and like I'm sure you and SHE did this summer...getting to know one another. Its NORMAL for people to spend time together..its just most married people forget that".
He agreed and said he would love to spend more time w/ me..w/me and our friends..and as a family..so the whole thing. YAY!
Thanks for your feedback. not to have you feel bad, but I'm really glad I figured this all out now, semi-early in our M, and before he left me for good or leaves in the future. If he does..at least *I* will be able to say that I did all I could do.
And I think you SHOULD go into the office and see her.
Sometimes I dream of taking our D and our new baby this summer into his office and "showing off".
But its a big office and requires card keys..PLUS H said one time that he fully "expects" me to just show up at the office one day...
so part of me thinks DAMN..then it will just prove him right.
But would i love to shove my kids and my HUGE wedding band up her freakin nose!
but I'm not bitter am I?
and boy am I chatty today. Sorry for the T/J.
Hang in there!
I told him last night that i cannot have her in my life anymore. As long as she is in his, then he cant be in mine. He told me once that he wanted to get to the point where he could say to her "i am with shelby. there will never be anything between us, and if that is a problem for me to be working here, then i will leave" I asked him last night if he was at that point yet, and he said 'yes and no'. I said the 'no' part of that is why we cant be together. I told him i loved him, and wanted to be with him, and that would never change. But i am so tired of her being allowed to call his cell, if it is 'work related' (she called the other night bec. she couldnt find her keys at the office)......they are still friends, that chit chat about BS stuff. it isnt all work related, he says it is impossible to sit at work for 8 hours and only talk about work.
I just am so tired of fighting and having to deal with issues because of her. She comes up in conversation all the time, i cant even go into work and see him, her fatass face is right there by him.
So, i had to put my foot down. I am scared. I really dont think that this will get the effect i want, I am afraid i am pushing him away, but i dont know what else to do.
You did the right thing. He isn't NC with OW. Even if the physical part of the affair isn't going on right now (and I would suspect that it is), the emotional part is being kept alive. Plus, he is throwing it up in your face - that is just cruel and hurtful.
You made the right choice. If he won't give up OW for you, then you have your self-respect and know where you stand. If he does, then you can move forward.
Having lunch with FWH today at the office. Wish me luck and self-restraint.
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
Agreed. You did the right thing. Its not easy and yet you still did it. Even if you need help enforcing it, you said what was on your heart and what needed to be said to him. He simply isnt being fair.
I cant think of ONE single person who would be able to tolerate the situation you are in. Its unfair of him and HER by the way, to even put you in this place. Its just so wrong.
I'm proud of you. Hold your head up high!!!!!
update on me:
3 more days to my baby's arrival. Cant wait.
My H drove me to the Dr's appt yesterday which I loved. On the way home it was rather quiet, so I reached out and asked about his new "job" and "office". Asked leading questions so he couldnt get away with "fine" or "good" as answers.
I was amazed at how much he opened up about the guys and the work and the office. I was trying hard to find a way to bring up OW..remember the last convo he denied her working there..but you know I know otherwise now...and so I finally asked...
"so do you see 'OW' everyday?"
He said "everyday? NO."
I said, well, have you seen her?
He said yes. that he has seen her in the office but then he explained the floor layout of the office and how she is across in another separate part, although on the same floor. I was at least glad he didnt lie anymore about her working there. I asked if he had talked to her..he said no. I said has she tried to talk to you? He said...no.."not to my face anyhow"
We both laughed about that one and he said i'm sure she is saying things ABOUT me but no, she hasnt tried to call or talk to me at all.
I asked what would you do if she did? He said not let her. Said he has nothing to say to her. Why would he? Said if he saw her in the elevator or in the shared kitchen he would run out as fast as possible or say "whooops...wrong floor". He almost made her out to be like a villian or something.
I've heard other WS refer to their OP in this same manner..and I guess its great for a BS to feel/hear, but I seem to question WHY they are villified? Other than the OP being the agressor or being used by the OP..but I guess I just have a hard time w/how 2 people who were SO close and intimate and spoke SO much over a certain period..could all of the sudden act like they HATE eachother and avoid one another like the plague.
Am I missing something?
I DO believe my H is telling me the truth. He does seem sincere and he was and has been O&H lately since I confronted him about her working there. So, I do believe there is no A anymore.
But its just hard for me to get how they can go from being so close to not...unless its just because SHE wanted the A/relationship to continue..and he didnt. HE broke it off...SHE didnt want it broken off and tried contact for many months post d-day.
My only guess, and I hope it comes out in MC soon, is that HE finally put his foot down or finally told her I was was expecting...and she was hurt or finally got the picture...and went angrily away. ??
I guess I just need to find out how it really ended.
After d-day i called her and confronted her...she told me he was "pulling away" and she asked if he was going back to his wife...but then added in the convo..."I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM"...and even tho she agreed to stop the A...she didnt. She called/texted/emailed him a lot over the next few months. you know us women...we have a hard time letting go...and H even told me that on D-day that she was not "getting it" to which I said, whats hard about hearing ITS OVER! Have you said it THAT Way to her?
I personally dont think he did..it was a soft letdown IMO. I think he just tried to bow out quietly...and didnt really tell her much...which must have made her crazy!
Nontheless, I just want to know how it truly ended.
Will I ever really find out?
anyhow..sorry again for the T/J. I'm home this week from work for mat leave..and apparently I'm bored.
[This message edited by stillhurting1 at 12:42 PM, April 27th (Friday)]
Shelby - you did the right thing. He's still far too involved with her. Hopefully, your strong stance will knock his ass of the fence.
SH1- your H sounds alot like mine. He was done when it went from fun and exciting on his part to "when are you leaving your wife" and "do you want more kids" on her part. That opened up his eyes and he was done. He now considers her a psycho, or so he says.
However, being a conflict avoider, he wanted to let her down easy. He was never cold or rude and never told her plainly 'ITS OVER'. He just backed away until she came crying that she felt like she was losing him.
To this day, I don't know how it ended and I doubt I ever will. Its one of the things that holds me back from truly R'ing.
She and OM are business partners.
Anyhow...I hope you get to find out how it ended. I am at that point too where I am needing to know. I dont need to know sexual details anymore or any other ugly details..but I do need and want to know what was said, and how it ended.if she was mad, hurt or just said whatever.
ADHD is difficult. I hope things are okay w/you guys.
If the baby has it, you'll learn to appreciate that its part of what makes him so unique.
lol, i go from being angry to feeling sorry for him...
How DARE he be considerate of her feelings!!! How DARE he try to protect her in any way. How DARE he put her before me in any way and that's exactly what the soft let-down is.
Of course, he didn't see it that way and putting her feelings first was 'never his intention'
Whether he meant to or not, that's exactly what he did and its a very very hard hurdle to get past.
Stillhurtin --- it's getting close! (Like I have to tell you that!)
That soft let-down thing - I have no idea how it ended here too but although I would hate that it was a "soft let-down" (which it probably was) part of me does understand the need of the WS to do it that way particularly because they have to still work together. If the situation were reversed (which it would never be but we won't go down that path) I would probably do the same thing.
How are you holding up emotionally?