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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks Melody! I do do that. I do read things to him or like even today, I got an email that talked about imporoving your M...which I forwarded to him.

Of course, the only way to get him to read the thing was to highlight and underline the parts I want him to focus on..otherwise, b/c it was long...he would have just skimmed thru it or delted.

Part of the ADD thing is highlighting or making things as simple as possible for them. Sounds silly..but believe me...it works. I nearly lost my mind during the first years of our relationship. things changed when I figured out how to get thru to him.

I've read things to him before..but what works best is for me to read it and then "Share" my info...

We went for dinner the other night..just the two of us..and we talked about a lot of things..me needing his help post baby ..etc...everything but the A...which for some reason I have a hard time bringing up...I guess it feels like I just dont want to go there at time...things between us are very good right now...

its me who is having a hard time..b/c I just feel left out of the work thing....but its highly probably that he and xOw are indeed 100% n/c or at very least have not resumed A or Friendship....but things can change right? Thats what scares me.

[This message edited by stillhurting1 at 1:46 PM, April 25th (Wednesday)]


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
melody
♀ Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillhurting, you are married to someone w/ ADD, too? I have 2 sons w/ it, as well, and it really does help to distill information down into it's most easily absorbed form and/or to make lists for them. We are putting a new emphasis on the lists idea because our home organization seems to be spinning out of control!

How nice that you got some alone time. I remember going through a phase when our kids were little and I really felt I needed a date night. On those rare occasions when we did get to go out alone, what did we talk about? The kids They can be all consuming for a while. I think a lot of men feel like an outsider when their wife delivers a new baby. The mom is tired, focused on this little helpless cuddly being, and totally not focused on her husband's needs/feelings. That stage set up a dynamic between us that lasted for a long time. I wish we could have found a way to fix it before it spun out of control.

Sorry-got a little rambly there!


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
kolive
♀ Member
Member # 14264
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillhurting1, I would love to see OW also. One day before divorce I will drive to his office and go in.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Texas
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kolive.
YES!!! YOU get it!!!!
Does your WH have ADD too?
I'm FREAKING out about our baby boy having it...my mother in law has me so worried and says how awful my H was as a child.
He controls it now for the most part, but its still there.
Cant read a book thru to the end..heck, can barely get thru a movie in its entirety!
Its rather hard..but we do our best and he has come a long way.
I hope your home life continues to improve..its a work in progress isnt it? A WHOLE different set of rules for it.

And YES! YOU also get the whole neglected the H thing post baby.
I SO did after our 1st was born..but at the time I didnt care. Due to huge financial issue (again another ADD problem) and loss of jobs/lack of inspiration on my H's part..I was HUGELY resentful to him during my 1st pg and after.
So I totally ignored him and his needs and was AWFUL to him..its a wonder he didnt leave ME after I had the baby..but I probably wouldnt have cared. I told him over and over again about how I was just "done".

Hence our separation last year when our D was just 16 months old...we were apart for 6 months and thats when we both realized how much we still wanted to be together.
Ok, I should talk that back..I realized I wanted him in my life..and what I was doing wrong, like ignoring him and pouring all my emtion into our child and neglecting our M.

So, this time I'm trying really hard not to let that happen. Things are a LOT better now between us. We talk alot about improving our M and having date nights.
My parents watched our D for us that night so we could go out.
That night I told him how much *I* and WE needed date nights and alone time. He said "who will watch the kids"..I said....uh, a BABYSITTER??
We just laughed..but then I reminded him just how important spending alone time together is...and yes, I even "went" there...i said like "when we first were dating..we went out alot..and like I'm sure you and SHE did this summer...getting to know one another. Its NORMAL for people to spend time together..its just most married people forget that".

He agreed and said he would love to spend more time w/ me..w/me and our friends..and as a family..so the whole thing. YAY!

Thanks for your feedback. not to have you feel bad, but I'm really glad I figured this all out now, semi-early in our M, and before he left me for good or leaves in the future. If he does..at least *I* will be able to say that I did all I could do.

And I think you SHOULD go into the office and see her.
Sometimes I dream of taking our D and our new baby this summer into his office and "showing off".

But its a big office and requires card keys..PLUS H said one time that he fully "expects" me to just show up at the office one day...

so part of me thinks DAMN..then it will just prove him right.
But would i love to shove my kids and my HUGE wedding band up her freakin nose!

but I'm not bitter am I?

and boy am I chatty today. Sorry for the T/J.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
kolive
♀ Member
Member # 14264
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No my H doesn't have ADD. I wouldn't worry about what your MIL says. Baby won't necessary have it, if so there are meds. Don't worry yourself sick over it

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Texas
melody
♀ Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, April 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillhurting, there are all different manifestations of ADD. The up side is that generally people w/ it have a tremendous creative side, so if you can get them to channel that somehow into productive paths, they excel. My sons don't take meds, and the different teachers over the years make a huge difference in the way they learn and perform. One son had a teacher who knew how much he loved an audience. She rewarded him for taking time on his work and writing neatly by letting him go to the library and research any topic he wanted, coming back into the classroom and presenting it to everyone. That was his best year!

Hang in there!


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
shelby7851
♀ Member
Member # 13911
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, April 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing really new here, he moved out, and last night I told him I quit. I just posted it in General. He cant let go of her friendship, they are still back there laughing it up and having a grand old time I'm sure. I done with it.


me(bs) 32F but i was a WS in 2001
him (ws)32M (they still work together)
DDay 10/14/06
A continued til 12/06
2nd Dday 3/09/07 ..got the full story.
status:4/15/07 He is getting an apartment to have some 'quiet time and think' home now. o

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: I
shelby7851
♀ Member
Member # 13911
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I did it. You people, of any, will appreciate this.

I told him last night that i cannot have her in my life anymore. As long as she is in his, then he cant be in mine. He told me once that he wanted to get to the point where he could say to her "i am with shelby. there will never be anything between us, and if that is a problem for me to be working here, then i will leave" I asked him last night if he was at that point yet, and he said 'yes and no'. I said the 'no' part of that is why we cant be together. I told him i loved him, and wanted to be with him, and that would never change. But i am so tired of her being allowed to call his cell, if it is 'work related' (she called the other night bec. she couldnt find her keys at the office)......they are still friends, that chit chat about BS stuff. it isnt all work related, he says it is impossible to sit at work for 8 hours and only talk about work.

I just am so tired of fighting and having to deal with issues because of her. She comes up in conversation all the time, i cant even go into work and see him, her fatass face is right there by him.

So, i had to put my foot down. I am scared. I really dont think that this will get the effect i want, I am afraid i am pushing him away, but i dont know what else to do.


me(bs) 32F but i was a WS in 2001
him (ws)32M (they still work together)
DDay 10/14/06
A continued til 12/06
2nd Dday 3/09/07 ..got the full story.
status:4/15/07 He is getting an apartment to have some 'quiet time and think' home now. o

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: I
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelby

You did the right thing. He isn't NC with OW. Even if the physical part of the affair isn't going on right now (and I would suspect that it is), the emotional part is being kept alive. Plus, he is throwing it up in your face - that is just cruel and hurtful.
You made the right choice. If he won't give up OW for you, then you have your self-respect and know where you stand. If he does, then you can move forward.
Big Hugs

((((Shelby))))

Having lunch with FWH today at the office. Wish me luck and self-restraint.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15130 | Registered: Jun 2006
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{Shelby}}

Agreed. You did the right thing. Its not easy and yet you still did it. Even if you need help enforcing it, you said what was on your heart and what needed to be said to him. He simply isnt being fair.
I cant think of ONE single person who would be able to tolerate the situation you are in. Its unfair of him and HER by the way, to even put you in this place. Its just so wrong.
I'm proud of you. Hold your head up high!!!!!

--
update on me:
3 more days to my baby's arrival. Cant wait.
My H drove me to the Dr's appt yesterday which I loved. On the way home it was rather quiet, so I reached out and asked about his new "job" and "office". Asked leading questions so he couldnt get away with "fine" or "good" as answers.

I was amazed at how much he opened up about the guys and the work and the office. I was trying hard to find a way to bring up OW..remember the last convo he denied her working there..but you know I know otherwise now...and so I finally asked...
"so do you see 'OW' everyday?"
He said "everyday? NO."
I said, well, have you seen her?
He said yes. that he has seen her in the office but then he explained the floor layout of the office and how she is across in another separate part, although on the same floor. I was at least glad he didnt lie anymore about her working there. I asked if he had talked to her..he said no. I said has she tried to talk to you? He said...no.."not to my face anyhow"
We both laughed about that one and he said i'm sure she is saying things ABOUT me but no, she hasnt tried to call or talk to me at all.
I asked what would you do if she did? He said not let her. Said he has nothing to say to her. Why would he? Said if he saw her in the elevator or in the shared kitchen he would run out as fast as possible or say "whooops...wrong floor". He almost made her out to be like a villian or something.

I've heard other WS refer to their OP in this same manner..and I guess its great for a BS to feel/hear, but I seem to question WHY they are villified? Other than the OP being the agressor or being used by the OP..but I guess I just have a hard time w/how 2 people who were SO close and intimate and spoke SO much over a certain period..could all of the sudden act like they HATE eachother and avoid one another like the plague.

Am I missing something?
I DO believe my H is telling me the truth. He does seem sincere and he was and has been O&H lately since I confronted him about her working there. So, I do believe there is no A anymore.
But its just hard for me to get how they can go from being so close to not...unless its just because SHE wanted the A/relationship to continue..and he didnt. HE broke it off...SHE didnt want it broken off and tried contact for many months post d-day.
My only guess, and I hope it comes out in MC soon, is that HE finally put his foot down or finally told her I was was expecting...and she was hurt or finally got the picture...and went angrily away. ??

I guess I just need to find out how it really ended.
After d-day i called her and confronted her...she told me he was "pulling away" and she asked if he was going back to his wife...but then added in the convo..."I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM"...and even tho she agreed to stop the A...she didnt. She called/texted/emailed him a lot over the next few months. you know us women...we have a hard time letting go...and H even told me that on D-day that she was not "getting it" to which I said, whats hard about hearing ITS OVER! Have you said it THAT Way to her?
I personally dont think he did..it was a soft letdown IMO. I think he just tried to bow out quietly...and didnt really tell her much...which must have made her crazy!

Nontheless, I just want to know how it truly ended.
Will I ever really find out?

anyhow..sorry again for the T/J. I'm home this week from work for mat leave..and apparently I'm bored.

[This message edited by stillhurting1 at 12:42 PM, April 27th (Friday)]


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAPPY FRIDAY, EVERYONE!!!

Shelby - you did the right thing. He's still far too involved with her. Hopefully, your strong stance will knock his ass of the fence.

SH1- your H sounds alot like mine. He was done when it went from fun and exciting on his part to "when are you leaving your wife" and "do you want more kids" on her part. That opened up his eyes and he was done. He now considers her a psycho, or so he says.

However, being a conflict avoider, he wanted to let her down easy. He was never cold or rude and never told her plainly 'ITS OVER'. He just backed away until she came crying that she felt like she was losing him.

To this day, I don't know how it ended and I doubt I ever will. Its one of the things that holds me back from truly R'ing.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
TrulyReconciled
♂ Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW ladies, FWW has adult ADHD too.

She and OM are business partners.


TR


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 20479 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emerald,
Yes, I think my H is similar to your's.
On dday he told me "she is starting to have too many feelings".
And I too, dont think he ever said to her its over. A soft letdown, escape is probably what he wanted but then she made it harder for him to get out b/c I do believe the A stopped for a while, but then resumed a month after dday. Just a gut feeling I have. But now I do feel its over.
I almost feel badly for her because she is SOW w/3kids..and looking for love. To have told his WIFE "IL Him" takes guts..but she told me that....and I just laughed at her and said..in 3 months?

Anyhow...I hope you get to find out how it ended. I am at that point too where I am needing to know. I dont need to know sexual details anymore or any other ugly details..but I do need and want to know what was said, and how it ended.if she was mad, hurt or just said whatever.

TR-
ADHD is difficult. I hope things are okay w/you guys.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
TrulyReconciled
♂ Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, sometimes it drives ME to Distraction


TR


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 20479 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 14-year old is ADD, no hyperactivity and while school is exceedingly difficult for her, she has such wild, wicked sense of humor and such a unique way of looking at the world that I wouldn't change her for anything.

If the baby has it, you'll learn to appreciate that its part of what makes him so unique.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
shelby7851
♀ Member
Member # 13911
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillhurting, how do you feel about the soft letdown? that is what i think i am dealing with, and it drives me nuts, but maybe i am being too hard on him?

lol, i go from being angry to feeling sorry for him...


me(bs) 32F but i was a WS in 2001
him (ws)32M (they still work together)
DDay 10/14/06
A continued til 12/06
2nd Dday 3/09/07 ..got the full story.
status:4/15/07 He is getting an apartment to have some 'quiet time and think' home now. o

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: I
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelby, the soft let-down infuriated me and I still haven't forgiven him.

How DARE he be considerate of her feelings!!! How DARE he try to protect her in any way. How DARE he put her before me in any way and that's exactly what the soft let-down is.

Of course, he didn't see it that way and putting her feelings first was 'never his intention'

Whether he meant to or not, that's exactly what he did and its a very very hard hurdle to get past.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been able to catch up on everybody but I see that Shelby stayed firm. Although I know it is extremely difficult I will chime in and say that I think she is doing the right thing too. Keep us posted Shelby.

Stillhurtin --- it's getting close! (Like I have to tell you that!)

That soft let-down thing - I have no idea how it ended here too but although I would hate that it was a "soft let-down" (which it probably was) part of me does understand the need of the WS to do it that way particularly because they have to still work together. If the situation were reversed (which it would never be but we won't go down that path) I would probably do the same thing.


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
shelby7851
♀ Member
Member # 13911
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now is awful! He was supposed to come over at 9 so we could talk, it is half past, and he wont answer his phone, i drove by, he isnt home or at work. I drove by her house, but she has a 3 car garage, i wouldnt know if he was there..all her lights were on. F&ck!


me(bs) 32F but i was a WS in 2001
him (ws)32M (they still work together)
DDay 10/14/06
A continued til 12/06
2nd Dday 3/09/07 ..got the full story.
status:4/15/07 He is getting an apartment to have some 'quiet time and think' home now. o

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: I
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, April 28th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelby, how are things this morning? Did he ever show up?

How are you holding up emotionally?


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
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