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User Topic: When Your Wayward Spouse/Partner Works With The Affair Person
kolive
♀ Member
Member # 14264
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, April 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have been married 14 years. Would have been 18 years together on 4/28.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Texas
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, April 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JMHO but he kinda sounds like a cake eater to me. -- Doesn't want you to be "mad" at him while he goes and messes around with MOW. Odds are they are doomed - but there is no telling them that cuz I'm sure they think they are "special".


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
kolive
♀ Member
Member # 14264
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He tells me that he still cares a lot about me and thathe loves but is just not in love with me. She makes him happy. We got together when he was 19, before us he had only been with 1 other girl at 16. We went out 2 dinner last night, he told me I looked nice twice and that he really liked my hair. I just had it highloghted and got a new cut a couple of weeks ago. I asked him if I could have a good kiss when he was going back to Houston. So he French kissed me, and OMG the butterflies in my stomach. Then he called me twice on the way back to Houston. I went out to a club Friday night & I bought myself a rose, and of course I put it where he could see it. He acted kinda mad for the first couple of hours that he was here, then he asked me if I had a good time last night, I said it was OK. I asked him how did he know I went out, you know playing dumb, and he said I know these things. Sounded a little jealous.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Texas
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, he's a cake-eater. The more you pull away, the more he seems to want to chase you. If I were you, and take this unsolicited advice for what it is worth, I would start doing the 180. Don't answer the phone when he calls. When he asks what you'll be doing, just kindly tell him that it is 'None of his concern anymore.' When he tells you that you look hot, just saying in a knowing way "Thank you." But most importantly, do not kiss or have sex with this man. If he makes a move, you move away. It may be tough, but do it. He needs to decide if he wants to have a wife or a mistress - he doesn't get to have both. She's already shown that she's willing to share him - you need to prove that you are not.

Hang in there. Hugs

(((Kolive)))


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
kolive
♀ Member
Member # 14264
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He does kiss me hello & goodbye, just a little peck. We do not have sex, he saves that for her. I don't even know if she knows I'm here when comes to see the dogs. I doubt that she does.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Texas
kolive
♀ Member
Member # 14264
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He also wants a D, so I guess he wants wife, just not me.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Texas
shelby7851
♀ Member
Member # 13911
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kolive: welcome :) I am sorry you are going through such a rough time! Have you tried 180? If he thinks you are uninterested and moving on, it may shock him..

stillhurting, how are you doing? how was the weekend?

regarding H moving out, i made a big long post in general if you want to see it. I am so up and down with him it is insane. i hate it.


me(bs) 32F but i was a WS in 2001
him (ws)32M (they still work together)
DDay 10/14/06
A continued til 12/06
2nd Dday 3/09/07 ..got the full story.
status:4/15/07 He is getting an apartment to have some 'quiet time and think' home now. o

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: I
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kolive. HUGS to you. I dont know how you do it. I hope things get better for you.


Shelby,
I read your post. I'm sorry that he is acting that way.
I know you have a hard time doing 180 but it really is to your benefit to stick to your guns on whatever it is you decide to.
If you want him to come home..then stick to it and tell him your expectations.

If you are going to let him have his place..ie. space..then give it to him.
wouldnt you rather know that he came home on his own..then out of guilt or b/c you pressured him?

My H came home on his own but I still question. I dont know how I would feel if he had been on the fence like your's and then came back. I would probably wonder/worry even more.
So, why not let him have his space and not call him? GIVE him his space if thats what he wants.

I'm doing ok.
Found DH's business card in his wallet..he had not yet given it to me. I called the number over the weekend. Got the "directory" and confirmed, not that I needed it, but I did confirm ow is there. She has an extension..so H in fact lied...even though I already knew that.

I'm gonna tell him today that I know and that he must be more open about it than he is being.

I'm pregnant..ready to pop. Baby coming in 7 days and it couldnt be sooner.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
kolive
♀ Member
Member # 14264
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your encouraging words and wisdom. I appreciate everyone thoughts and prayers. God Bless All Of You.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Texas
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't seen anyone post on here in a while. I hope that 'no news is good news.'

FWH called me this morning to tell me that he had a 'sighting.' I will be so glad when she's gone and this shit is done.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
kolive
♀ Member
Member # 14264
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurtbs, nothing new in my life.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Texas
Emerald Eyes
♀ Member
Member # 7977
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing new here. They still work together and I'm still to the point of just not caring anymore.

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you're hurting guys.
Why don't people learn you never 'shit where you eat.' Why do they think that having an A at work is such a great idea? Oh yeah, 'cuz theirs is so *special* and couldn't possibly blow up in their face.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nothing new here either! 5 more days to baby boy. I'm so ready.

did a stupid thing yesterday and went by their office. didnt go in, but drove by..hoping to catch them talking?? LOL. huge buidling so of course I cant see inside and they'd have to come out together for me to see them.
So, I got nothing from it b/c the office is situated in a way that there is no place to park and "watch", if you catch my drift.
I'm obsessed w/seeing OW in person. I dunno why? I wonder too how SHE is handling them working together again. B/c even tho H says the A was no big deal and HE asked boss for N/C...SHE was "in love" w/him...and well, you know us women.
I wonder even how she dresses for work..does she try to intice him? AAAAAAAGh...the questions in my head.

Anyhow have any advice for me on how to open dialogue w/H AGAIN, knowing OW is working there?
He still hasnt come clean. Last time I asked, I was lied to and then he reacted like a 5 yr old kid and we didnt speak for a week..and he STILL never fessed up...just got angry and walked away.
Problem is that even if he fesses up, he wont be like some of your WS and tell me about sightings, talks, etc.

Thats what sucks about all this.

[This message edited by stillhurting1 at 1:19 PM, April 25th (Wednesday)]


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillhurting-
Are the two of you in MC? MC really helped FWH realize what he *had* to do for us to move forward in R - and that included telling me about *all* interactions he had with FSOW at work.
They also address this issue in After the Affair and Not 'Just Friends'. Because workplace affairs are nothing new, infidelity experts deal with this all the time.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurtbs,
no, not in MC yet, because I wanted to wait until I had the baby. I just had too much on my plate emotionally to start MC and really, MC or IC for that matter is a LOT of work emotionally. I was just not ready for that myself.

But just wait..its right around the coner now. I'm looking forward to it..we need it badly.

and I've read ATA and NJF..but H isnt a reader and hasnt...so what good is that?


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you make reading those books part of the conditions for R? i don't care if he just 'isn't a reader,' this is his marriage and he needs to be involved. I know that MC/IC is very emotionally involved, but you two need something to help you guys work through this. It sounds like you're just treading water. I can't even imagine going through infidelity crap while you're pregnant - that's just horrible.
So, what assurances do you have that he is actually NC with OW?


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I could do that and probably should, but I can tell you know that it wouldnt work. All it would do would be to ensure my M is over..if that would be my "condition".
he has adult ADD even though he controls it and is passive agressive too..so giving him ultimatums and do this or else ALWAYS backfire.
I play by a whole other set of rules for him due to ADD and P/A.
I read the book Living w/the P/A man" and it changed my life. Seriously. I deal with a whole diff monster w/that.

Anyhow...yeah its awful..but at least the pg gives me something else to concentrate on..for the most part..unlike days like to day where I'm just waiting for baby and have "time" to kill it seems. LOL!

MC really is the only thing I can think of that will help. Its gonna happen w/in the next month at latest. I need to get this all out...


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh and really my only assurance that is he n/c is that I talked to his boss and read emails to his boss where H made it 100% clear that he wanted XOW to have absolute N/C when they started the new job.
Email to boss said he HAD to have it or couldnt work there..even tried to get him to "make" XOW work from home. boss said it would be an HR "nightmare" to try to get that done.

Then boss told me on the phone that at my H's request, he set up the office so that they are the furthest possible away from one another...but did concede that it was unlikely that they would not run into eachother...it is a 1 floor office afterall.

So that and his changed behavoiours are all I have...but other than those..no I cant say 100% for sure...


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
melody
♀ Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillhurting, my H isn't a big reader, either, but we both enjoyed it when I read parts of the 5 Love Languages to him while he was working on our boat. With the baby almost here, I'm sure you don't need anything more on your plate, but maybe later, when you are feeding the baby?

Good luck!
Mel


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
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