He just met the OW...and he practically gave up everything for her...our marriage, his parents trust...gone! but, he didn't care..he said its his life.
He met OW and within 5 months, decided to throw away our years together. He with the help of OW changed our home from painting the walls, buying new furniture, pictures, curtains, etc.... I've been erased from it.
Whenever he comes to town, we get together (no sex) but we are glued together. I forgive him and I still love him.
My life is good but I miss him every day. Some days seem to be a fog of nothing, others seem hopeful.
It's been a year since finding out about OW but the hurt is still strong. The D was final in March. I can't see us not being together, not reconciling.
Friends and family can't understand why I would ever want him back. He was my best friend. He was a wonderful husband. I hear that he's not happy with her but he still doesn't come back.
He said that I would never trust him again so there was no point in trying because we would just end up divorced in 2 or 3 yrs.
I'm told it takes about 2 years to get over this. Reading other's stories helps to know, there are people who get it. It also gives you strength to keep going.
When it hit me between the eyes, I realized I'd been living in my very own fantasy and doing pretty darn well at it! Still... looking back, the timing was no worse (or better) than it could have been. Everything has worked out for the best, for me, anyway.
I'm not hurting anymore. I don't feel inadequate anymore. I only feel angry on occasion now... mostly I'm just annoyed at thoughtlessness and shrug it off.
Still... I'm a betrayed woman.
The best lesson I've learned is to NEVER lie to myself.
Trying to move out of victim mode into survivor mode and starting afresh. How do you dust off 25 years though? That is half my life. My ex seems to have managed it though. He threw away his family and can't seem to understand why I still feel angry. I'm making at attempt to be positive and I have hope that I will soon move into a new beginning.
My fear is that he will leave me.
I love this man more than anything in the world, and I am willing to do anything, so this earth-shattering situation will never happen to me again.
I know that I can do it, but I need encouragement and love. Good luck everyone. Everyone deserves honesty and faithfulness. I love you all. PM me anytime to talk.
[This message edited by TooHurtToStay at 4:01 PM, October 22nd (Saturday)]
I belong here too. unfortunately the list keeps growing.
I have to deal with depression, surviver of SA, anger anxiety (mine).
I cannot be with him anymore! I don't want to hear his lies :'-( I am in so much pain and I am so afraid of the future!
I would love to have a family, i would love to be a mother (I just turned 30) and I feel so insecure that no one would like to date me because I am divorced at a young age :(
I know for sure that it will take me so much effort to trust again.
I read some of the posts and wanted to relate to them first.
Insecure- The best thing for you at this moment IMHO is to go NC with WH and change the locks. Take charge of your life. You are woman and you are strong
Invictus- This reminded me of how I felt. I also felt I had betrayed myself because I accepted he was tied up at work and stressed. That was all true what he didn't tell me was how he was dealing with the stress.
I not only betrayed myself, I lost myself. He said I was crazy In away I was I believed him over my gut.
Confessing his A has changed many things for me and the best one is I am back. I am who he tried to bury. I am my own woman and his BS and I like me again.
Ellejay- My heart breaks for you. I have been with FWS 25 years to. From your post it sounds like your ex turned your world upside down and didn't give you time to adjust or even figure things out before he spun it on its axis.
This may seem silly but everyday I stood in front of a full length mirror naked and repeated to myself I am beautiful. At first I'd look and all I could see was my body- lumps, stretch marks, saddle thighs, sagging boobs and wrinkles. I still kept at it and finally I saw the beautiful me I was looking for. I didn't look with dismay at my body. I grew to appreciate what I saw. Stretch marks=2 big baby boys. saddle thighs=desk job well paid for,sagging boobs=strong boys and last was the wrinkles=In Japan wrinkles are signs of wisdom= I am getting smarter everyday.
Then I started taking better care of myself. Hiarcut, manicures, lunch with friends.
Getting started in the morning is still hard some days so I have a little notebook in mty kitchen and I write a short sentence or two. ie: Notice the leaves color, smell my roses,smile once every hour. again I know these are silly but if I can start my day with a simple pleasure I have a better day.
I found out 12/16/07 my H was having an EA (I thought at the time) through a minimized email. I confronted H that afternoon and had him call OW (which I thought was the only OW at that time) and tell OW I wanted to meet with her. I told H to tell OW she had a choice – she could meet me where I asked or I would meet her at work the next day and cause quite a scene. She met me at a local restaurant with my H in tow. I confronted her and she acted like they were just brother and sister. My H couldn’t lift his head up he was so ashamed (or that’s what he said at the time). She looked like something out of a magazine and I am a nature girl – not any makeup except for lipstick and eye shadow. I’m not a jewelry person either – a wedding ring, a pair of earrings and a necklace – that’s it. OW was dressed to kill and had a very soft voice and at a point even tried to reach across to touch my H’s hand when I said about my H worrying about her. Not a lot was said that evening because I didn’t know much then but over the next 3 years and 300 emails I was to learn a lot more. I learned H bought her sausage biscuits, candy, Christmas presents and a lunch date. When I asked H was OW in his office he adamantly said no. I asked H was he in her car or she in his car and he adamantly said no. I asked did he kiss her or did she kiss him. He adamantly said no. I asked did he touch her in any way – H said adamantly no. While sitting at a pizza place one day when we had the computer with us I asked H to humor me and check to see if he had any emails on his computer from OW. He said he swore he had none. We found 100 more emails. I read one of them at the pizza place that said H was glad they were taking this ‘thing’ out of the office. Some of the emails H said to OW “sweet dreams”, office wife, hot number, best girl and more stuff like that. OW even at one time said at one time when H was late coming to work she was afraid he had another office romance (LOL). OW stayed on at the job for another year which was hell on me but H swore there was no contact. Having dinner 3 years later with some friends the couple said did you know OW had a sister that worked with her too at the same place as your H. I didn’t say anything but when we got in the car I asked my H did he know OW had a sister and he again said NO. That didn’t set with me at all and I let it go for a couple of days and then when we were outside working on something I said, you know that just doesn’t make sense to me at all that you didn’t know OW had a sister. It was a couple of hours later when H finally admitted he knew OW had a sister. When I asked him why he didn’t tell me H said – he didn’t want me to think he was keeping up to date with what was happening with OW since she left the state to be with her husband. I blew a cork because I knew there was a lot more than met the eye to all of this. Over the next two weeks (which was just October of 2011) a lot more came out – OW was not the only OW. There were 2 other OW. The first OW was in 2001 and H was reprimanded for sexual harrrassment because H was ‘bopthering” this woman for one year – meanwhile this first OW (which I’ll call “A”) was accepting gifts from my H – flowers, wine, candy, a visit to her house not once but twice), daily compliments and much more. I even found out he met her for lunch as well and invited her for dinner on a nite that he knew I would be out. He even went as far as to buy her a necklace. He stopped by her house on a Saturday when he was supposed to be a Lowe’s buying supplies while I waited home for him. He hugged this first OW in the parking lot, raced to work to get there before her (and even had an accident because he was going to fast and ran into another car). He walked her to the parking lot – they walked out together but yet she filed a sexual harassment report on him. Not once now I found out but twice. H even held her hands when her hands were cold and she let him. And she files an harassment report on him – what am I missing. I know there’s more to this as well but I’m reeling from learning that H had 3 affairs (2 PA and 1 EA). Found out more about EA which became a PA before OW(we will call her C) left the office and the state. She had implants and liked to talk about sex a lot so in the office, in the hallway she supposedly asked my H did he want to feel her implants and of course H said yes and so she put his hand on her breast. She also grabbed his hand as they passed in the hallway. I asked H to swear on the bible with my wedding ring that he had not kissed her – well, he swore on the bible but it was all a lie. He was in her car, she was in his office, he did kiss her and she did kiss him. It was a matter of time (very short time) when they would have been in a hotel somewhere or the back seat of her car. Now I find out that he gave OW (#C) mistletoe from our home that was in our Christmas box. H gave it to OW #C along with a teddy bear to watch over her and some ferroro rochet (which is the only candy I eat) The middle OW (which we will call B) was a waitress at a pizza place that H visited often and she was having martial problems so H helped her find an private eye to help her and bought her some candy and she reciprocated with a hug for H being so helpful. The TT are horrible and have been coming in and out for the last 2 weeks. Iam devastated – cry all the time, can’t think straight, can focus. We did speak to our pastor and H did come clean with him which shocked the hell out of me but that’s not the end of it. I took my wedding ring completely off and my necklace as well – we were robbed twice and everything got stolen from me – all my jewelry which wasn’t much but now I find out H gave a necklace to one woman, candy that I like to another one and the lies are just continuous. H no longer works there anymore – H retired last week but not before I got my say in with the one woman who is still working there. I let her know what a sleaze bag she was and also told OW#C’s H and told her about his sleaze bag. I am so sorry to vent all of this but I’m at my wits end – I don’t expect any feedback – I just needed to vent – we are married 45 years – I’m 65 years old – where do I go from here – H is so beside himself – H is remorseful – completely and has done everything possible to make this work and wants to make it work – H wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I’m just numb with pain and the fact that he lied so much and now stole from our Christmas box a box of mistletoe to give to his girlfriend #C. I’m so sorry for this long post but I just needed to get it out of my system and wanted to vent so bad b/c I sure don’t look good in stripes or orange. Thanks for listening and being there and thank God for SI. God bless all here and hopefully happy days ahead.
I have been married to my cheating husband 39 years tomorrow Nov. 10th.
In 2008 when he was turning 60 he claims to have had a mid-life crisis. Didn't want to get old and all the bull shit that goes along with that happened.
He started dating the dry cleaning woman where we had taken our clothes for the last 20 years. He bought himself a Corvette and only came home from work long enough to change clothes and fly out the door. I watched as this man change into a complete monster. He was cruel and punishing to me. My story like so many others is not anything special.
We did not end in divorce, we are more like roomates now. I will never be able to trust him again. I have spent my entire adult life with this man that I should have never trusted in the first place.
I'm now struggling to find myself again. Some days are just better than others. But I guess that is life.
I don't want to start over at 62 so I guess I will just consider that this is the best place for me for now.
Sometimes you just need a place to vent so you don't explode.
[This message edited by heart_in_a_blend at 11:12 AM, November 9th (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by insecure at 11:23 AM, August 24th (Friday)]
He broke your trust, he needs to EARN your trust from now on. How he does that is between you and him. And I think YOU need to be the one to set those trust boundaries.
If any one of our friends betrayed our trust, we would be very leery about trusting them again. Time would tell us if they were remorseful, and working on being a better friend to us in order to earn their way back into our inner circle of trust.
Why should our spouses/SO be any different?
Just because we have years invested in the relationship, doesn't mean they get a pass on destroying our trust... life doesn't work that way. Even if they want it to.
Yes I can relate. Those moments of rage are kind of scary at times. The self doubt, "if only I had..." voice in my head must constantly be reminded that this is on him, not me.
It is so very frightening to have to beleive they can find who they really are without us telling them.
This exactly. Being able to step back and know that he has to do the work if he truly wants the marriage. I can't do it for him. It is very frightening. I always wonder if he'll actually do it an when/if he does will he find that he doesn't want the marriage...