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User Topic: Betrayed Women
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Flipper.
I dont know what to think. Had it not been for some strange behavior the day he wore those undies, I would totally assume masterbation. But now I dont think it was. Where did he do it? Because if I recall correctly he got up before me in the morning and took his shower first...leaving the undies on the floor of our room before showering. Wish I would have checked them at that time but I forgot.
{shrugs}

[This message edited by stillhurting1 at 8:18 PM, April 19th (Thursday)]


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillhurting,

sorry you are in this position. Hope it turns out to be Mrs Palmer and her five daughters.

It sucks that we have to be so suspicious and always looking for clues


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
bambam1970
♀ New Member
Member # 14022
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, April 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey girls! Thought I'd join in! The men are really chatting it up!! My H and I have been separated 5 months, tried R, but he wouldn't commit. I picked myself up and am moving forward - doing the 180! It is helping me and kind of driving him crazy (he's already crazy enough!!) I am buying a house and fixing it up and went looking at some kitchen stuff today! That was fun! Anyway, just wanted to say "Halla!!"


Me - BS, 36
Him- WH, 36

Working on me and moving forward


Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: West Coast
Cant breath
♀ Member
Member # 13819
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillhurting1
I know actually what you mean about the stains. My H has had a vascetomy and after that he has left stains says it is hard to control now since it has been cut. hahahaha should have cut it off. I just wish I could remember which underwear he had on that day he sleep with that whore. Not only were his stains in them but hers also little bitch. And I washed them, picked them up with me hands and washed them. I hate him for this


Insist on yourself. Never Imitate
Ralph Waldo Emerson
The searching-out and thorough investigation of truth ought to be the primary study of Man. Cicero
DDay 1/14/2007
married 18years
me 36
h 39
2 beautiful children
high school sweetharts

Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Ohio
betrayed47
♀ New Member
Member # 14386
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, April 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 47 years old and have been married to an alcoholic for the past 23 years. One daughter 15 who ran away because of her father's drinking. I asked him to leave the house the first time 2 years ago because he was stealing money from the account, not coming home at night and drinking uncontrollably. This last time I asked him to leave was 15 months ago because of the daughter episode. When he left I told him he need to stop drinking, go into a recovery program and get a full-time job. In the 15 months he's been gone, he has done none of the above. But about 5 weeks ago, he called to tell me that he was going to go out with a very nice lady who invited him to dinner and a movie. He not only called and told me but called his entire family, mother, brother, sisters and informed them that he had found this very nice lady who invited him out. After putting up with his drinking and little or no financial contribution to the marriage for 23 years. I was absolutely devastated, hurt and felt totally betrayed. The last two years prior to him leaving was especially difficult because we (at his suggestion) decided that he would stay home and take care of my mother who had a massive stroke. the entire marriage I was the consistent bread-winner, so to speak, who carried the health insurance, etc and it was may paycheck that paid the bills. During the period, his drinking became very out of control and he was verbally and emotionally abuse to the entire family - myself, our daughter and my disabled mother. I wish I had read the 180 guidelines before he told me of the affair. According to him he and the OW decided not to see each other any more but she still goes into the bar where he set up for the day to have breakfast and coffee. He says he will not stop talking to her because he doesn't want to be "ignorant to her". Maybe its me, but this is unacceptable to me. I did everything I could think of try and affirm that he still "loved me" and would be willing to "fight" for his family. He says he is finally getting some jobs up there and that he foresees it "taking off" and now I want him to come home and be the one to "change his life" again. He is skeptical that I mean any of this and is not willing to come home. A couple of weeks ago, he was all loving and exhuberant about how much he cared for myself and our daughter, I'm going to tell the OW that we can't see each other, etc and I'll even have her call you to let you know that we've talked and what was said and I'll be home as soon as my car is fixed. Then this past week, he has been like well no, after I processed everything from last weekend, I "love you, but I'm not in love with you" and have no desire to be romatic with you or any have type of intimate relations with you. I feel totally hurt and betrayed, but right now I am at the point where I just want to emotionally detach. He says he is skeptical about me changing, but he has NOT gotten any help for his drinking and although he has gotten a couple of "odd jobs" there is nothing permanent. How skeptical should I be? Do I really want him back? right now, I don't think so.


kab

Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Pittsburgh
NowIKnow
Member
Member # 13999
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, April 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to join the betrayed men's thread! They are so active over there. But I think they'd kick me out. *sigh*

Posts: 74 | Registered: Mar 2007
snowbaby796
♀ Member
Member # 13882
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

betrayed47, I'm so sorry for all the tremendous hurt your H is causing you. He seems to have many issues, and is not trustworthy in general (continuing to drink, etc.). Since he has a lifestyle of being untruthful to you, I'd go with your gut instinct. Do you feel he is capable of this? It sounds fishy to me. Also, it sounds like he has not really ever put you first throughout your relationship. I say do what you need to take care of you and your children, get some therapy for you. You don't need to decide today what you will do about him. Figure out what you want and need to be happy, then figure out how to get it. That is the point i'm at right now. Good luck


"Betrayal of yourself is still betrayal nonetheless, it is the highest betrayal" Neale Donald Walsch
"State the obvious I didn't get my perfect fantasy I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me" Taylor Swift

Posts: 563 | Registered: Mar 2007
betrayed47
♀ New Member
Member # 14386
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 4th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

snowbaby796. I have decided to file for D. He refused to have NC with OW because it would "be ignorant" to her. She has continued to "visit" him on a regular basis. I believe that she has refused to officially date/sleep with him until he gets the divorce and so he has been extremely accommodating. My attorney seems to feel that we should "strike while the iron is hot". She will file the complaint next week. I'm just hoping that the OW doesn't figure him out until the divorce is final!


kab

Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Pittsburgh
umbrasleeps
♀ Member
Member # 9070
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, May 14th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

Still have my things packed, I guess it's going to stay that way.

WH has answered some of my questions, I wrote them out for him. I have asked twice for him to take a look, he did and answered. There are a lot of questions but I shouldn't have to keep reminding him, this really upsets me. I have been waiting 17 months I won't wait forever. This isn't a threat it's simply a fact.


Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2005
OneStepAtATime
♀ Member
Member # 11537
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am triggering all over the place. H has left town for his seasonal project at the place where D-Day started. Last year, I went down to surprise him for the weekend, knowing she was there, but not knowing about the A. All it took was one look at her dirty face to know H had told her I was coming and that there was something bad underfoot. Confronted him and he basically confessed to the EA (we didn't even know that it had a name then), but denied denied denied any PA activity.

A month later, pregnant from that ill-fated surprise weekend, I found it ALL in a devastating email from her that chronicled the A, their LUV, her pregnancy and abortion-- she was upset because she'd seen the webpage he'd put together when our beautiful twins were born. His reply back to that email? "I always thought we'd end up together but I can see I've screwed that up too."

So, here I am ten months out. Raging sometimes, calm sometimes, and this Friday I head back down to the town where it all split open.

I am still so pissed at him for being such a weak moron. I'm still afraid I'm in R because the idea of being by myself with 4 children under 7 is terrifying. Some days I know this is the man I'll be with until I die and others I don't think I can last the week.

Today I'm particularly pissed off about a ring he gave for Christmas during the A. He claims he was never going to leave me but gave her a RING (albeit, it was a shitty $30 ebay ring... but still!) And, you know what? I actually saw it on his account when he got it, but since he got me a 2ct diamond tennis bracelet the same Christmas, I decided he thought the ring was so ugly he'd sent it back.

I guess I'm also pissed off at being an idiot about the A that I KNEW was happening.

Anyway, H is out on a boat working hard and I'm here losing my mind a little... thanks for letting me vent.

But, really, R is going well.


Me: BS

Recovering each other and ourselves.
5 children: 8 mo, 2,4,4,9

---------------------------------
"Love is not a victory march,
It's a cold and broken hallelujah"
(Leonard Cohen)


Posts: 693 | Registered: Aug 2006
Ivette
♀ Member
Member # 6884
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm good just going thru the hurt again. I'm and idiot for talking to my stbxh. I try so hard to ignore him and pay him no mind but he calls me at work or on my cellphone. I do tell him only to call me for daughters things but he doesn't. I'm so frustrated with his issues because it effects my daughter. He called me on mother's day to wish me and I shouldn't been noisey the Karma bus is driving by and what he told me really really hurt.
What really hurt is that he has tried harder working it out with ow than he did with me and I guess she's the better person.
I've accepted it and learned from it that this time I mean it. I don't want to talk to him or deal with him ever again only regarding daughter. This time if he calls me for other reason I'm going to hang up on him (work). Cellphone the ignore button will be my favorite.


Rather have no company than bad company.

Posts: 1810 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Massachusetts
melody
♀ Member
Member # 12344
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to drop by and say hello to you all. Glad you are all posting on this thread.

Reading through here reminds me of a group of friends I used to have who would get together every week for "sit and stitch" which we actually really called "sit and b---" It really does help to talk to someone who understands.

I am mostly going to just lurk, since I have been both BS and WS, and don't feel like I should intrude here much. My H is still working w/ his f EA partner, so I spend some time over on that thread.

Wishes for peace for all of us.


M 20 yrs
4 kids

H-EA, d-day 1-06
W-PA, d-day 9-05
so both of us are WS & BS
working hard on R
"Sorry is looking backwards, worry is looking around, and faith is looking ahead"


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New England
umbrasleeps
♀ Member
Member # 9070
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, May 19th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My DD is coming over today, I'm sure she'll see my things packed in my room.

I have decided if she asks, to tell her to ask WH.


Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2005
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I've been married for two years. The D-day was 3/20/07. I have a 15-month old and twins on the way(late July). He admitted to cheating that very same day. He only cheated once. He was so remorseful about it that I chose to give him a second chance. We went through 4 weeks of marital counseling but we're still working hard to rebuild this marriage since recovering has been so hard.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
smoore
Member
Member # 6684
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for which I seriously need support and answers. Have any of you BS discovered through counseling or in discussion with your WS that although you were not spoken of during the affair, that it was conveyed that your marriage/you were an "obligation"? Even when the affair ended, your WS never once acknowledged the fact that he loved you, but more or less he had a family and couldn't be messing around.

How do you deal with knowing that your spouse implied, or literally said things like this and you are trying to reconcile? How do/have some of you addressed the situation?

My spouse and I haven't been to counseling---yet. I can't say I am dead on with how I was portrayed, but I think I am close. Although he came on home of his own volition and the act itself speaks volumes. I want to know why once he was exposed, why he didn't say, I love my wife.


Posts: 175 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: New York
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, June 7th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH said he told OW that he loved me and felt guilty for what he was doing. Soooooooooo guilty he went back for seconds. I consider him saying he loved me to her as a humongous insult.

He ran to her like a scared RAT the day I found out and cried on her shoulder that he was losing the best thing that ever happened to him. (Not her me). He was losing the love of his life.(Again me) Yea Right. She told him to go home and work it out. That was so moral of her.

I feel insulted that I was talked about during the affair, because he still had me on his mind while he was with her. That is so disgusting.

So I have a differenc perspective. I wish I hadn't been talked about.

Edited to add:

It was like he was trying to make me feel better that he didn't forget me while he was fucking her.

[This message edited by pebbles at 1:40 AM, June 7th (Thursday)]


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, June 10th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone~

I'm M to a psychotic serial cheater who turned all my hopes & dreams into a humiliating nightmare.

He still 'cannot remember anything', not willing to be truthful/transparent, and I kicked him out 9/06.

IC describes him as "classic bipolar" as he changes from bi to gay to straight to asexual; and then the Ground Hog Day drama loop back begins anew.

Anyway, getting all my ducks in a row for D as I will be 59 next month (Gosh, time has flown! ).

I was talking to a new potential male friend this evening.

This demonstrates that I am healing.

However, the residual negative effects of betrayal make me feel so suspicious/paranoid and I feel so damaged beyond redemption at this point in my life.

And, Life is SHORT.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
kiara2002
New Member
Member # 9471
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you know if you have married a serial adulter? WH has had 2 affairs. First one was LTA. The 2nd one was for 'sex' since he wasn't getting any at home. Appartantly he thought he was impotent until someone came onto him, whilst he was in a cafe. (Not satifised with his story).

I'm feeling very ho-hum about working through this again. Mainly because of the way he is relating to me (if I looked after myself more to look better for him....sending me a romatic letter as he bonks someone else).

He has become very selfish. I just don't want to go through R if he's going to go off and do it again. But I guess if I'd known he'd do it in the first place I wouldn't have married him.

Oh well. Here's hoping for something out of MC tomorrow.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Sydney, NSW, Australia
hatehisguts!
♀ New Member
Member # 15476
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, July 25th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that my H thought screwing asian prostitutes for the past year overseas was worth losing me and our family. It shocks me that he could do that in our bed, surrounded by our and our childs stuff. How do you screw a whore in your wifes bed with a photo of your little girl on the bedside?? I just don't get it.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
hatehisguts!
♀ New Member
Member # 15476
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HMM! Now he wants to stay together. Now that he is no longer in asia with easy access to the whores. Give me a break. I made the mistake of having sex with him this weekend after being out drinking at a family event. Afterwards he acted like that was going to make a difference. Honestly it was just sex for me. Unlike him I had been waiting for 6 months to have sex and I'm not the type to go pick someone up in a club to get it. So he is now getting a little taste of his medicine. I am still separating from his dumb ass. As soon as I find a job back home I'm out.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
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