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User Topic: Betrayed Women
Layla
Member
Member # 11880
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to belong to this club (who does really?), but here I am wondering how I made it this far without completely falling apart.

I discovered my H's A through cell phone bills and since then my life has been a freaking vomit inducing roller coaster. Every time I think I'm doing okay, something triggers me and I go back to almost square one. Freaking pathetic this A stuff is. Cruel really.


Me--BS
Him--WS
Dday 06
Married 11 years, one son (the love of my life.)

I'm Done


Posts: 104 | Registered: Aug 2006
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, that's the way it goes. Just when you think the ride is over, it throws you for another loop.

I've done the same - looked back and wondered how I made it so long without losing my mind. I have no idea how I did it, outside of the best best friend in the world.

(((Layla)))


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15280 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Just a Cali girl
goodenuf
♀ Member
Member # 13965
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This last and most serious A was with a woman 10 years younger than me. Now, every time I look in the mirror, that is all I can think about. It really bothers me. It is very, very hard on my self-esteem. Anyone else struggle with this?

Every day! My OW is 22 years younger than me and 26 years younger than my H...AND he has often said that the PA with her was a "real boost to his ego" because of her young age.

AND on top of that, her "girls" are way bigger than mine...saggy, but bigger, and my H is a boob man.
I try not to make comparisons, because when I do, I usually come up way short, but it's so hard not to think that way, and I do feel I'm the consolation prize...that it's easier for him to stay with me than to go through another D.
My H is trying, but with his history of strokes, he is often emotionally unavailable to me, he isn't able to remember a lot of things about the A, which leaves me hanging on a lot of questions.
Like all of us here, I've only wanted to feel special to my H...now I feel like I'm no different than just any other woman, I feel so disposable. The mental images are still so strong and at times seem to have more of an impact than even when I first found out.


BS:Me
FWS:Him
First DDay:Oct 2005 --
last Dday: Oct 2006
R ??? a work in progress

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.


Posts: 1569 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Northern Bluegrass
SuzyCC
♀ Member
Member # 9425
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it too late for me to sign up?

I could join the Depression thread...

the Infidelity while Ill thread...

The Sexually Abused thread...

The Multiple Affairs thread...

The Spouse works with AP thread...

The Double betrayal thread...

probably the Sex Addicts thread...

and most definitely the Depression thread!

WHEW! That IS depressing!

I like the looks of this place though, so if it's okay, I think I'll pull up a chair.

Here's my story...

H and I were married very young--I was 17, he was 18.

We both come from families with two alcoholic parents.

Both of us were abused.

H was terribly neglected also.

His parents divorced (because of cheating and domestic violence) when H was 10.

His mom died when he was 15.

We each had so much baggage that it's a miracle that we could function at all.

H started cheating about three years into the M, but I didn't find out until years later--after we had three children.

(I never caught him red-handed--always found out long after the fact)

When he started confessing, about 10 years into the M, he confessed to ONE ONS. Within the next few years, we had another child and H confessed to many more ONSs and short term As.

We spent over a year in counseling. H made huge changes. I thought we were recovering pretty well.

Fast forward another 10 years and he did it again--a midlife crisis affair with a younger woman at work.

The OW was 12 years younger than my H and 12 years older than our oldest son.

She had a thing with our son too.

Our son didn't know about OW and his dad, but H knew about OW and son, and it didn't matter to him--he wanted her that badly.

I knew this time (a gut feeling--no concrete proof), but H wouldn't admit it.

He lied about it for five years before he finally started talking.

We are five years past this last D-day (there have been little d-days, working out details and clearing up all of the lies he told)

We are fairly well reconciled, though things about all of it still eat at me.

I have never told my entire story here before, but this place feels safe.

H and I have been through almost everything.

Maybe I can help someone else.

anyways, thanks for listening...thanks for being a safe place.



Me...BW, Him...FWH
Married almost 35 years.
"New lovers seek perfection. Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together and of seeing beauty in a multiplicity of patches."

Posts: 578 | Registered: Jan 2006
Layla
Member
Member # 11880
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate the comparisons I make between myself and OW. Heck, she could be a toad for all I know because I've never seen her, but my husband managed to describe as this hot number who could have any guy she wanted, so in my mind I CANT compare to her, she is a fucking supermodel!


Me--BS
Him--WS
Dday 06
Married 11 years, one son (the love of my life.)

I'm Done


Posts: 104 | Registered: Aug 2006
didwhat
♀ Member
Member # 14163
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SuzyCC
ouch. Lot of pain. Have you tried Alanon. My H and I are also CoA. I my case lots of abuse and violence growing up. I thought I was over it all, but this affair brought it all back. In talking all this through with my H he confessed he had tried cheating before, but the women were always friends of mine and blew him off. Sort of a pattern? I see it as, he had no limits for himself, so he let the women decide for him. Of couse at some point one friend said yes and here I am on SI. Says a lot to me about his choices..having a safety net mostly..then when that net was gone..what a mess. Says a lot to me too also about the OW. In my case what kind of woman sleeps with her friend's H in her home no less??? In your case wow...OW knew what she was doing..what kind of person is okay with father and son?? One thing I got from Alanon is how we repeat the patterns of childhood, for no other reason then it is familiar, and most of our friends have the same past. Lots in common? Now,I think no matter what happens with my marrriage...new motto.."no more abuse for me thank you very much".


first do no harm
me BS/54
him WH/53
Married 26yrs
Together 30 yrs
1 grown son

Posts: 610 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: calif
Autumn leaf
♀ Member
Member # 13987
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Jumping aboard here, I am also in the double betrayal category.
We trying to R and although my H is maintaining NC and is willing to answer my questions and help me through my triggers, he just will not talk about the A unless I initiate the conversation. It really hurts that he wont address it on his own. And i know that love cant be bought, but it makes me really sad that the last time he gave me flowers was on our 5th wedding anniversary and we have been married 17 years. Now I get a card if I'm lucky I tell him I dont want anything because I get tired of him asking me every year what I want.


Me: BS 41
Husband: WS 38
OW:now ex-friend 49 deceased
D-Day #1 02-10-2007
D-Day #2 when he fessed up who he was really with: 02-18-2007
Started reconciliation 2/25/2007

Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Massachusetts
SuzyCC
♀ Member
Member # 9425
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Didwhat...

No, we haven't tried alanon, but while we were in counseling years ago, we did attend some ACAP (adult children of alcoholic parent) meetings.

They helped us tremendously.

Before that, we had both felt so isolated I think. Attending those meetings and hearing others tell their stories was like having someone open up the pages to our own stories. It probably did us as much good as the year of counseling.

We have come a long, long way.

I know that people read MY story and wonder why in this world would I stay with such a man.

The thing is, he is not a monster. He is a wonderful father...a great companion...a hard worker and good provider...he makes me laugh and I truely believe that we really do love one another.

He was broken inside.

I was too.

Even five years post D-day, I can't say that we are fully healed, but we ARe healing.

It has taken lots of time and lots of work.

There are (still) days when I want to strangle him and (still) days when I die inside, but all in all we are getting better.

Maybe we will always be a work in progress.

[This message edited by SuzyCC at 1:58 PM, April 12th (Thursday)]


Me...BW, Him...FWH
Married almost 35 years.
"New lovers seek perfection. Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together and of seeing beauty in a multiplicity of patches."

Posts: 578 | Registered: Jan 2006
didwhat
♀ Member
Member # 14163
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why people stay together seems to have more to do with what's good than what's bad, seems to me anyway. As for ACAP, I've been told its a lot more intense than alanon. Our friends suggusted alanon to us as it deals more with the here and now instead of the past damage our parents created. I don't buy into all of it, but it does help sometimes (just like SI) to know you're not alone. Also, helps me tons to see people who have healed and moved on in life. Plus its free, can't beat that.


first do no harm
me BS/54
him WH/53
Married 26yrs
Together 30 yrs
1 grown son

Posts: 610 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: calif
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Late joining, but I belong here, too. LTA, OC, and over 55 (never too old for an A it seems). Twenty months out or so, doing okay, can't have total NC cuz of child, but we're across the continent now so I don't obsess about physical connections. Bad enough with the phone contacts over kid.

R is going okay, H is remorseful but lately very depressed over all that's been ruined, so that's hard. And I don't think I'll ever get over the feeling of being the "logical choice" afte d-day, feeling like a consolation prize, and feeling old (she's 15 years younger). This wasn't my idea of how a M should be, when going towards retirement age!


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Late joining, but I belong here, too. LTA, OC, and over 55 (never too old for an A it seems). Twenty months out or so, doing okay, can't have total NC cuz of child, but we're across the continent now so I don't obsess about physical connections. Bad enough with the phone contacts over kid.

R is going okay, H is remorseful but lately very depressed over all that's been ruined, so that's hard. And I don't think I'll ever get over the feeling of being the "logical choice" afte d-day, feeling like a consolation prize, and feeling old (she's 15 years younger). This wasn't my idea of how a M should be, when going towards retirement age!


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
mer1ins
♀ Member
Member # 11607
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too. I'm a year, a month and a week out from D-Day. I'm doing better...not nearly as emotional or as depressed thanks to AD's but I still can't get my mind around the fact that my husband of 28 years is living with someone else.

Maybe what I need is another drink...can't hurt.


The truth may set you free, but first it will shatter the safe, sweet way you live - Sue Monk Kidd

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. (Rabbi Julius Gordon)

BH/WH - 51
FWW/BW - 54


Posts: 1225 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: FL
Brokenheart0306
♀ New Member
Member # 13985
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just feeling very lost and sad tonight. My WH is very distant and weird lately. I didn't know where else to post this and it really is just a thought and feeling at the moment. I am lonely and sad and working with no one to talk too. I have no one to talk to about any of this. I am just a rambling right now, but my heart is such a mess and my brain is so screwy, I trust none of my thoughts. Shit, I give up trying. It just hurts so damn bad anymore and I just wonder why I keep going.


"Don't walk in the sun, if your head is made of wax."

Posts: 26 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: AZ
once proud wife
♀ Member
Member # 12706
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((brokenheart))) I am sorry you are feeling down. For both of us, I hope these down days are just part of the rollercoaster.


Me: BW (33)
Him: WH (34)
Together 17 years, married 5
Discovery started in late Aug '06 with major revelation mid Oct '06.
New DDay, new OW, mostly EA - 3/2/2008 (later figured out there were more women before we M)
Currently - still M

Posts: 737 | Registered: Nov 2006
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed Men are on page 26 already! Wow.

Who knew men would actually TALK. Its like trying to turn water into wine to get my H to open up.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suzy,
OUCH is right. OW sounds like a sick B! I rarely use the B word, but danggit..she makes ME angry.
Both your H AND your Son?
OMG... I cant even imagine.

how is your son holding up?
I dont know about you, but this whole A business just makes me want to Barf.
Why does life have to be so dang ugly sometimes.

I sometimes wish I had rose colored glasses for life....

My H is only 33 right now...I'm really worried about midlife crisis and him having another A.
That would devastate me.


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
up&down
♀ Member
Member # 10098
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, better late than never, I'm here too!

If you want the in depth version, go to my profile, but here are some highlights...

FWH had sex with a girl he met at one of his stops...He was 50 at the time, she was 38, I was 43. Most of the damage was done after D-day...he continued seeing her for 3 weeks, was telling her he loved her, and continued working for this comapny for 10 months, (refused to even look for another job) His excuse for continuing to see her was he was looking for a way out...He had already called her the night he came home and told her, He was at home, it was over, and we were working it out!!!! For me the way out was already estabished, HE was Married, and it should have never happened to begin with, but that wasn't good enough for him. Months later he admitted that

"I just couldn't let her go"
.

After months of him being defensive and arrogant at some points, and then being reassuring and compassionate at others, he finally had to quit that job, and I think that was the turning point for us. We are now in MC, and he is doing most all the right things, and is very understanding for the most part. Some things I can't seem to get past, but I don't discuss them with him, Yet, I don't want to tear down what we have built to this point.

In my tag line you will see that this was actually the 4th woman he had been with, but I don't even consider the other 3, This one had the potential to destroy us both though. There is a story behind the other 3, and I've come to terms with them, and have moved on. But with this one, I'm having a lot more difficult time.


BS-ME,45;FWS-52,OW-39
D-day Nov.24 2005 M-13 together-18
He left that morning(went to his mom's) and came back home Friday night, at which time he admitted to 3 PA (nearly 10 yrs ago), In addition to this one

Posts: 547 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Tennessee
Cant breath
♀ Member
Member # 13819
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok Iam really late but love being fashionably late to everything.
I was reading the threads and I to belong to alot of them but how do you ever choose. I know we all hate to belong to any of this but we are here together.

You can read my profile but here is a brief summary

Married age 18
been married 18 years
Found out about his PA 1/14/2007 said it was only twice but that was enough she was pregnant. Ow works in one of the building he has to go to every other day. Cant change that. She got rid of the baby on my 18 year wedding anniversary (aint that special)
My husband says he had his A because I gained weight and he did not find me attractive ASSHOLE Feeling like crap half the time and then the other half I could rule the world. Iam better then both of them we all are better then our WS.
HUGS to everyone in here I wish I could make all the hurt go away for everyone but we can always be here for each other.
On top of everything else I have to think about my 16 just got her license fun fun. Anyone have any advice on that one?


Insist on yourself. Never Imitate
Ralph Waldo Emerson
The searching-out and thorough investigation of truth ought to be the primary study of Man. Cicero
DDay 1/14/2007
married 18years
me 36
h 39
2 beautiful children
high school sweetharts

Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Ohio
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ladies,
icky question to ask you..

does your H ever leave semen stains in his undies?

I currently found 2 in his laundry basket...w/stains. Not a lot..but enough.

Pre-A I never really noticed or looked before, but they always seemed to be stain free.

I'm triggering badly about this and there are other things, his actions this week for one, which are making me wonder if he is up to something again.

oh, and the semen wouldnt be from US having sex...he hasnt touched me for 3 months now.
I'm due w/our son in 10days.


thoughts? Should I assume he is no longer an X WH?

[This message edited by stillhurting1 at 3:26 PM, April 19th (Thursday)]


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
flipper
♀ Member
Member # 12425
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillhurting1,

My FWH has never left semen stains in his underwear.

Seeing as it's not from sex with you, could it be from masturbation? I hope so for your sake.

((hugs))


Me: 40
FWH: 40
married 17 years - no kids
DD: 14th Oct 2006
DD2: 18th Feb 2007 - Full details disclosed

Both giving our best to R.


Posts: 311 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 319
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