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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling While in a Long Distance Relationship.
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H came home and his chest of drawers WAS empty! Actually, it wasn't empty, but I had claimed it for myself instead. We had moved rooms in the house last summer and my stuff was in bins for the longest time since the kids kept my furniture in one room. His dresser moved with us but I figured since he was never here anyway (and then he CHEATED ), why should he get the lone freestanding piece of furniture in the room? I did retain the bottom-most drawer for him, for his necessaries. I thought that was very kind of me! I put the rest of his stuff in bins and in the closet.

This was his first time home after dday and I had meant to tell him, but somehow it slipped my mind. So he discovered it on his own when he went looking for something to wear! He felt a trifle disconcerted.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it would be easier to get the ones that AREN'T to raise their hands instead!
No kidding, uni! I had no idea I'd get such a resounding response!


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

incrisis--the story about the dresser is great!

You had other things on your mind besides what he thought, but hopefully it gave him a good shock!


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
McKenziesWish
Member
Member # 11970
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Everyone,
I think this is an incredible forum!!! I do recognize some of the names here soooo <waves happily to everyone she knows>. I'll introduce myself to the others <smile>. I live the utlimate LD relatinship. Hubby is 7000 miles away living in Egypt. Last year he was gone 270 out of 365 days. We have done this for 3 years. I am a psychologist so I knew we had to work hard on keeping things going and alive...which we did. When he came home it was special special special. The problem was that he started drinking again and never told me. The distance made it easy to hide. At his worst he was drinking a case of beer per night. He even started drinking hard liquore something he never did (not even in high school). Sure enough as fate would have it the ridiculous female thing walked into his life at just the right moment with just the right amount of booze in his system. To his credit he did tell me when i realy would never have known. He is very remorseful and trying. I am the problem now. I am consumed with a rage like I've never known. I am filled with ungodly despair maybe 5 days out of 7. On the other days I'm just on autopilot moving through the days with little to no thought. I have begun some terrible self destructive behaviors that I am battling. What my husband did was complicated by some crazy, demntia induced things my dad has done. In all...I am terribly terribly abandoned. I have lost my self esteem, my energy, and desire to live. I do know that this to shall pass...I just do not know ho wmuch longer I can wait for it to happen. It has been 8 months and I am exhausted. I feel worse every day instead of better. All of this for 20 minutes of physical pleasure? INSANE!


"He is a


Posts: 712 | Registered: Sep 2006
McKenziesWish
Member
Member # 11970
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To address the idea of "tools" for dealing with LDR reconciliation problems: The most invaluable tool for us to this point has been the webcam with MSN messenger. It has been incredible. We each have a webcam that stays on 24/7. Even if we are asleep or at work. That way each of us can peek in on the other at any time. You would not believe how much closer you feel to the one who is gone. Even a simple phone conversation done through webcam is so much more satisfying. I think it ought to be a requirement for every couple dealing with LTR and reconciliation issues....INVEST IN WEBCAMS. It helps the trust issue immensely! It is kind of hard to say you were in your room reading...if you arent! heheh. There is very little unaccounted for time. It helps to calms those jitters and fears before they get started...of course you'll still have the reconciliation issues...but it does help some with the distance/checking up problem.


"He is a


Posts: 712 | Registered: Sep 2006
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 2:54 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that the webcam can be a phenomenal tool if used right. Unfortunately, with a "SA" WS that's still too foggy, on top of having this annoying habit of using things that are supposed to be good for as a weapon against me, I can picture him happily using that webcam for other less honorable things. Ugh. So that's why I haven't asked for it so far, maybe at some point after he's shown a better track record of remorse / accountability.

Maybe I'm approaching that bassackwards??? What do you guys think?


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It did that, punky. I felt so bad. Not.

I am so glad this thread is picking up! I love my active LTA group and couldn't have got this far without them, but the LD aspects are the everyday kicker that make it virtually impossible to follow conventional wisdom when it comes to trying to survive I.

Here's an update to my update, taken from what I posted in LTA earlier. WH gets zero points for originality--I swear the script is preprogrammed in them. I must say I am disappointed that the plot is so utterly predictable, as I posted yesterday.

When I called OW last week she said there was more to the story but we were about to get cut off, and she would email me back. (I called b/c I had initially emailed her and not heard back for a week.) After H called her yesterday, I miraculously heard from her this morning. That was quick! She says she's had enough, finally. That I don't have to worry about her contacting WH anymore. (Which at best would take care of her but still not my H. There are more out there like her willing to be taken in by him.) We'll see.

I will have to take back my H "not inciting her" to email him--he was definitely encouraging her. Not so much in an active everyday A way, but in a dramatic future promises if our M fails kinda way when she got tired of being sidelined but still strung along. Very unhealthy dynamic going on there, from both of them. He shouldn't have done it but she shouldn't have left herself open to it by continuing to contact him even once he'd chosen his wife, at least for the time being. So while he was saying "I'm working it out with my wife, we're over 'for now'," he was following up right away with "but maybe one day..." type shit. He was hedging his bets BIG time. Anyway, her email to me was illuminating but not in the least surprising, and from what she said combined with what he's said about the different possible ways he thinks this could play out, I sent her back a message filling in the gaps with what I think he really had in store for her. Which I don't think she'll be too happy about either, but you never know. She's already put up with as much for a long time now, which is why I think he thinks he could treat her this way indefinitely.

At least after her email this AM I could see that apparently he did take me very seriously yesterday. If his NC call generated the kind of reaction from her that he'd hinted at yesterday and that she made clear this morning, then it may not have been handled my way but we still appear to be on the right track so I'll take it for now.

I never thought about a webcam. I'll have to think about if I want to bring this up. I doubt he'd be thrilled by the idea. Not so much because he wouldn't be home alone most of the time--I usually call on his home line now and he answers--but because it smacks of babysitting and distrust. Not without good reason, but it will still be a tough sell here.

[This message edited by incrisis at 3:25 PM, April 16th (Monday)]


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and I did get a disgusted chuckle out of this in her email opening.

Hi (IC), I finally got to read your mail and the thing is (WH) is such a liar....I really dont know if he's psychotic or just loves playing games but one thing I know for sure is that I am totally done with this whole thing.

So my email in response to her opened:

Hi (OW), Yes, he's a liar. I would think you would've realized that a long time ago, when he continued to keep you a secret from me for 4 years while telling you that he loved you and that this was all going to work out somehow.

He's a liar? Nooo, ya think?

She has said that he's a liar in several previous messages as well. I just don't get what on earth she kept hanging on to my H for? He is no prize for her whatsoever. For better or for worse I am married to him and we have kids together. But what's the appeal for her, for the love of all that's holy? By your own account this married man has lied to you, cheated on you, emotionally abused you, kept your existence a secret to everyone in his real life, and set you aside when called on it? How on earth is that sexy?


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi McKenzie'sWish!!! I remember you from before we got booted off Inspirations, I think!

God, if you--a PSYCHOLOGIST--are going through Infidelity Hell, what hope do the rest of us have?

Oh well...I guess we are all human and all this is normal stuff to go through in this situation.

Take care.

Edited for poor grammar. Ok, high school English was a LONG time ago people!

[This message edited by punky at 10:15 PM, April 16th (Monday)]


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By your own account this married man has lied to you, cheated on you, emotionally abused you, kept your existence a secret to everyone in his real life, and set you aside when called on it? How on earth is that sexy?

That's sad. But, the OPs brought it all on...asked for it in my opinion.


Hang in there, incrisis!


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! I had an enormous break through. Did you ladies see that? The skies parted! Did you ladies hear that? The angels came out singing!

FWH called me this morning and said he is very tired of being away from home. He wants to change that. He's not sure how, when, etc... but he knows it needs to change.

This is very significant. I've never, ever heard him say anything remotely like this. So, what's up with the skepticism?

I wish they had a little blue smilie face to show me holding my breath.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 5:09 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OhP, let's talk that out with me definitely a member of the joined to a WS that practices too often in the too little too late camp.

I do hear the angels singing & see them dancing because of that announcement from your WS. As much as I see you being mocked by those yukky "yeah right" little devils whispering in your ear cuz as I said, been round & round that merry go round till I'm dizzy all the time.

As we often tell the WS to do when there is BS rage, let's take a good look at what he's really saying beyond those simple words.

He's saying he misses you, loves you, wants to spend more time with you, wants to be there full time instead of the visitor role that is easy for him to do then check out again, is asking for you to help him figure out how to make having a home with you with him in it all the time possible, that he wants to be there for you good or bad, that he wants to fuel the hope of a good marriage with you with his presence in your life every nite, that not getting to sleep (not sex, but cuddly sleeping) with you is getting intolerable for him, that he needs you as much as he wants you to need him in a healthy way.

A few simple sentences, OhP, but a lot of sentiment is in there. So why not start there first before safely sliding back into the cynical state & enjoy the hope & love there which can be just what you both need & want right now. How about you write him an email & explain to him what those sentences mean to you, asking him to explain what exactly he meant by them? Let him explore the possibilities of a life together without the long distance thing with you & how to make it happen. It could be a very good thing for both of you, besides in for a penny, in for a pound right?!


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unicorn...you are good! You are damn good!

I will write him an email.

Thank you so much for that advice and support.

You're a sweetie!!!


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fingers are crossed for you OhP!

I'm praying that you can get out of the long distance biz!


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 5:57 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Besides we're not asking you to put that handy nurf baseball bat out to retirement, just shove it in the closet for a bit & enjoy the love in what he said to you. Remember home is where the heart is, & he's telling you he wants his heart & body HOME, with you!


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you a psychologist too?

And...ummm...the baseball bat isn't nerf Just kidding.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, not a psychologist by a long shot!


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all! H ended up staying one more day out of state. He will be home tomorrow. One more day to fret before he is home.

Can't wait, though...it's been about 3 weeks.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H called tonight as I was frantically typing the email I told Unicorn I would write.

Much to my surprise he said he is coming home a day early. So he'll be here Wednesday instead of Thursday. Anxiety hasn't set in yet cause I'm still in shock

While we were chatting, I told him about this LDR forum. When he asked why I was writing an email to him, I told him I posted about his phone call earlier today. I think he has this fear that all WS get completely trashed on SI. So, he went real quiet and asked 'what was said after you posted it.'

Unicorn, I read him your reply and he started to laugh. He said 'Holy shit she really likes to analyze things even more than you do!' But, more importantly is he said 'that was really nice of her and very true'.

So, I just wanted to share that with you. Your advice helped us in a big way today.

Even though I'm still going to have some rough spots, I can never say thanks enough for what you said to me today.

Punky, 3 weeks is a long time but you'll be just fine. Remember the breathing...in through the nose out through the toes. Once again...come on...do it with me now...that's it...in through the nose, visualize out through the toes. Best of luck kiddo. Try to relax and be kind to yourself

[This message edited by ohpuhlease at 11:07 PM, April 16th (Monday)]


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 11:21 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, so HAPPY to hear about your great convo with WS, please tell him great job for me!

One of the saddest (& most frustrating) things to me is the impact of DDay makes it hard to talk heart to heart without it being filtered the fear on both sides which can put the brakes on convo's like you two have been having. It's so much nicer & rewarding to be able to work together as a loving partnership, which is exactly what you two have been doing so I hope that momentum keeps on keeping on to get you both (& your marriage) to the wonderful place it deserves to reach but more importantly if fully capable of being for both of you.

And if you really want to blow your WS away & then give him a handy tool to use to entice you quite nicely, just shoot me your email addy & I'll be glad to send you the LOVE LETTERS 101 doc I put together on how to write awesome love letters, hehe...

So he thinks I'm a tad on the analytical side huh? And shoot, now that he totally agreed with what I wrote, are you letting him off the hook or still gonna make him tell you what a wonderful wife he knows you are & how he can't live so far away from you one more second than necessary???


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
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