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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling While in a Long Distance Relationship.
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, September 12th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

real mad!!! I am so glad you posted here. We are an odd group here. We don't post often, but this has got to be one of the most difficult angles on the infidelity issue.

I totally understand what you mean about not seeing the facial expressions and not being sure that they understand the DEPTH of what you are going through. I still struggle with this 2 years after dday.

Don't really have any advice for you. Just try to keep it together when he is around--I know that is easier said than done, though. I used to have to take a Xanax when he came home--just to calm down enough to be able to even show my face and deal with the elephant in the living room! I had some god awful meltdowns...

Just know you aren't alone. I totally understand.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, October 29th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, HERE is my thread!!!!

1. How long will you be apart & how often do you get to see each other?
I matched in Los Angeles in June (a medicine thing), but he is still in Philly. We agreed he would follow soon once he found a job. Along the way, D-Day happened, and now everything is up in the air.

2. Where you LD when the affair happened?
Yes, although he has had a flirting problem in the past and can't be certain something was going on before (although when we lived together, he usually came straight home from work or karate so little opportunity)

3. Is being LD normal for you?

Yes and no. We were long distance 3K miles when we first started dating, then 150 miles for 2yrs while we were dating, but inseparable for the last 5 and first time we were apart for more than 2wks since we married.

4. Do you have kids?

Nope.

5. Brief description of what brought you to SI?

He started off with flirting, and a woman sent him naked pics, and I had a FIT. Recently, he flew a woman he'd been flirting with out to Philly, I called her and she says they slept together, he says he stopped it just before it got to that point.

6. What would you say are the biggest barriers to reconciliation / recovery?

Well, he's 3K miles away, hard to monitor! And not sure I want to. Plus he is so ashamed per him that he can't even talk openly to me unless it's on chat.

7. Would you say you had a good relationship prior to the cheating & what made it that way?
God, our marriage seemed really great. Yes, we occasionally fought over women fawning over him and his occasional flirtatious response to them, as well as my work, but mainly we just loved to talk and cuddle and make love. He would always tell me how happy he is, and told everyone who would listen as much. I felt we were happy because we were soulmates. So much so, that I saw his insecurity leading towards an affair, but couldn't figure out a way to stop it.

I don't know whether we can R, not sure if I want to, just trying to talk and understand and read through "Infidelity" by Lusterman.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome careerlady.

Well, he's 3K miles away, hard to monitor!

Yep, that's huge!

Love your tagline. My husband, right after I found out what was going on, tried to sell me on open marriage--he pointed out that French and Italian women let their husbands have mistresses. Bullshit. They might let it happen, but it doesn't mean they should or are happy about it!


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I have a question, though I know the answer:

Is it somehow more acceptable that they cheated long distance?

and a more important question; he asked me to put my demands on the table for R. I can demand he move out here before R begins, but do I let him move in with me? When you have separate household already it makes divorce so much easier! At the same time it seems crazy to ask him to move into his own place cross country in order to R. Anybody done this?


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, November 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think that being long-distance makes it more acceptable at all. I've been in this LDM, too. I've been lonely, too. But I didn't cheat...

I think on the moving back issue you might have to take a leap of faith. I don't think it's fair to have him move into a separate place when he gets back to R.

If you are sure that he is showing the right actions and not just saying the words, go for it.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were talking on the phone for hours while awaiting the election results (and celebrating afterwards) and I just ahead for him, I wanted him here so badly. I really feel we are soulmates but need to make a decision, at some point. I will wait until I see him next week to make any steps. Any advice in general on the long distance subject would be appreciated (ie, how long should you think about it?)


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, November 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had a long distance marriage for almost as long as I've been married (19 years this month).

It is NOT for the faint of heart. There are times when I just want to say "I'm done. I need a partner that will be here all the time." Then there are other times that I cherish my space.

I am probably not the right person to give anyone advice on LDM. Barely making it myself sometimes!

But know that it is possible. Know that lots of folks do it. But it's HARD.

[This message edited by punky at 8:42 PM, November 7th (Friday)]


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, November 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, punky - how/why do you do it? For how much longer? For me, my WH knows already he needs to accelerate the timeframe of him moving out here to make us work.

It sucks cause I really love him despite all this. And he keeps hinting he bought me something from Tiffany's - really? What could it be? Somehow thoughts of that (and his so far unwavering committment to R from the beginning) pushes some of the bad thoughts out.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, November 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I think I have the patience of Job.

Either that or I am a conflict avoider.

Maybe a little of both?

Occasionally he will say something that will make me think he might start looking for work here. But with the job market the way it is...who knows?

I do think unwavering commitment to R from the beginning sounds great!!!! wish I had had that!


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, November 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in with the ldm'ers! Hope everyone is well.

Take care.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Frustrated  Posted: 11:42 AM, November 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, he just left yesterday. At first it was painful and awkward, then it was like nothing happened for a while. We did end up sleeping together despite my insistence that I would not , but I got a new ring. However, I also went to his karate banquet and met the girl who had sent him suggestive photos of herself and triggered like hell . Now I'm not sure if I can do this or not. He's been attentive and understanding, but still doesn't understand that the trust is gone and feels like we shouldn't "dwell " on it.

I am the kind of person who doesn't really like to keep my "dog" on a short leash, and the idea of watching him all the time sucks, as does the idea of wondering. So I just don't know what to do. He's trying to come back again next week, and refreshing his resume to find work out here, but what if I don't want him to come? so confused!

There is a retrouvaille weekend i January when I have off for a while, we are supposed go. Seems ideal MC for long distance people, eh? I'm not even feeling like going now but maybe I will force myself.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, November 22nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the update careerlady...

My husband will be in town on Tuesday. He actually gets to stay a while this time!


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
maddy
♀ Member
Member # 21812
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i had moved across the country to be with my bf. i moved back to my hometown (2000 miles away from him) when i found out about the A. we had kept in contact with the "plan" that he would end things and i'd move back. obviously with me gone for a year he didn't have to end things but just forgot to tell me that part. and i was stupid to just believe him at face value. when i moved back to him i found out and left again. this is the short version. now that we are long distance, and have had NC until just some recent emails, he wants to R. i just don't know yet. and i have no idea how to do it long distance. all i have are his empty words. how can i ever know if he's telling the truth without proof? any ideas or suggestions?

Posts: 475 | Registered: Nov 2008
SmileyBlue
♀ Member
Member # 19444
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys,

In about 4 weeks SO and I will be long distance - I am moving back home and due to the economy SO hasnt been able to find a job in my home state yet. He will move when he gets one which he hopes is before I leave but we will see.

Anyway, since we will be continuing R long distance, what can we do? what tips do you guys have for making sure they arent up to any good?



Me: 27 - No longer a BS!
1 little Furbaby

"The bee's are dying? Oh no! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwich's?" - Homer Simpson


Posts: 2556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Australia
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome maddy and SmileyBlue--I sure wish I had some tips for you. Unfortunately, this is the trickiest aspect of the long distance relationship issue. You can't be there to see/hear/observe. You HAVE to trust--even though you don't feel like trusting.

I've become very attuned to the tone of my husband's voice. When he was involved, he sounded different when we spoke on the phone. Always defensive, quick to anger, impatient. It's different now. He also calls more often than before.

On the plus side--when you aren't physically in the same place and you do your communicating via phone, I find that I have more courage to say things that need to be said and ask the questions that need to be asked.

Also--if we were together all the time, I think we wouldn't make the most of our time--does that make any sense? I feel that our time together has become more precious at this point. And that has been a good thing.

Best of luck to you guys. Let's try to keep this thread alive!


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, December 7th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok, well we are furiously applying for jobs. When he left a few days ago (from his second visit), we felt very close and he was depressed. Now he wants to come here asap. He went to his boss the next day and told him as much.

I am excited for our marriage but also nervous. One minute I love him, the other I can't stand him and am sure he's lying - what if he comes all the way out here and --per the rollercoaster-- I don't want him anymore??? Any advice?


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
punky
♀ Member
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

careerlady--wow, what a tough question. You definitely need to be sure before you both make that kind of change.

As crazy as this sounds, can you try to separate your a-related feelings (rollercoaster) from your permanent feelings for your SO?

Best of luck with the job search. Best wishes to you both.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11294 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
hollow-promise
♀ Member
Member # 16905
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fwh lost his driving job on Jan 2 and was home for a month. We did make good use of that time, but were nervous about the loss of income. He finally got a new job, driving for 2 weeks at a time and home for 4 days. I hate this and wish the economy was better so he could work closer to home. I guess I will be a member of this group for quite a while longer. It is good that people still post here. It is nice to have people who can relate to my situation.


Me-BS 59
Him-WS 55
MOW-49 borderline personality nightmare
D-Day 3/21/07, my daughter's birthday
Married 9 years-working on R after 5 months of partial truths

Posts: 149 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wishing those of us who don't have our H or W at home with us today a very Happy Valentine's Day.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like I found another thread I am familiar with, its been a while since this one has been touched to hello everyone. My fwh became ld about a week after dday, I am glad for it accually, helped me get perspective on alot of things, made the 180 alot easier, and also made him realize what he stood to lose.


Dday october 9 2008 (ONS)
3 kids (12,9,6)
Dday Oct 10/08, Officially started R July/09, Started drinking again July/10, Separation Nov/11, Last shot June/12, Officially, mutually done jan/13.

Posts: 1865 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
Topic Posts: 286
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